Grief. & My Daughter. I never thought in a million years that I would be grieving the loss of my very first born, baby girl Naomi Hope. I sometimes just think I am living someone else's story or life and that I am just somehow walking as a ghost from day to day.
Other days, I feel like, I am so proud of myself from where I have come, yet the grief never ends. I think people think or assume, I am "okay" because I am now expecting again. Not really. I grieve for my little angel every single day. I look at her pictures just wishing she would come back to me. I miss my little Naomi.
Earlier tonight, I got a call from a number I did not know but I answered it. It happened to be my roomie from the hospital. I was so surprised yet happy to hear from her. I have been thinking about her and her baby recently alot and was wondering how things were going. We talked about both of our experiences, she indeed having preeclampsia, I told her how sorry I was we had to meet in that way yet I told her how I am there for her in anyway possible. She even said I am welcome to meet her little boy, he is still in the NICU, her duedate isnt until Sept 30, so may be there a little bit until after that. I pray for him to continue on his positive journey ahead. I pray, for my friend, she is 17 years old. Very hard to go through, for anyone.
On the flipside of things, I had my OB appointment this morning, everything is going well so far, SO FAR. I am very happy where I am, passed my 28 weeks (first goal from DR), yet it saddens me, why couldn't I have made it this far with Naomi? I just will never understand. My doctor said I am gaining weight which is good, negative dipstick, (horray), and bps look great, and feeling baby movements as well. I had repeat PIH labs done and I will have results for those by Friday. So my 2nd goal is to make to 32 weeks. I am just praying, I make it to that, and further on. I was then told next appt which is on the 24th of August, I will have a 4D ultrasound done by my office. I am SO excited! I remember when I hadnt been excited in this pregnancy, just about a few weeks ago I started allowing myself to become excited yet, still have my safety guard up by a long shot.
I know that ANYTHING can change in the blink of an eye. I am not ready for that, but I have no chance do I? I just am thankful for where I am today, and I pray that it continues on this way. I want to thank my friends, and family & amazing mommy support I have had especially through the forums and mommies I met, makes me feel so good how supporitve and caring so many are. THANK YOU!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I just miss her, where has the time gone?
Today, I just feel empty. I look behind me and there is what used to be filled with gifts from the hospital, flowers, and baby baskets & get well balloons and cards, wipes, diapers that I had yet to put away. Now, it is covered with pictures of me holding my daughter & poems I wrote, and things on preeclampsia. It is now a memorial, that I will forever keep there.
I sometimes look at it and just say what a gift God has given me, to become a mother, my beautiful Naomi made me a mommy. Other times, I sit on the edge of my bed towards her memorial and just cry, I let it out. I talk to her, I plead with her to come back. Yet in all reality, I know shes not. I look at her pictures, trying to remember, walking up from the elvator, pressing the NICU button, them seeing that its me, they knew me. Every day I would be there visiting her getting updates, 10 to 12 hrs a day. They just knew me. Saying "hi mom, how are you". Being called mom. Still was new to me, but I liked it. I liked it.
I remember taking her little temperature, changing her tiny diapers and holding up her little legs so I can put the diaper under neathe her. I thought I would hurt her, because of how TINY she was. The nurse said no youre doing a good job. I remember her positions my favorite was when they had her on her tummy and her little bottom was sorta up in the air. She looked OH SO CUTE! I remember hearing her tiny tiny baby cries through her incubator. I remember holding her one time and her crying and I started to sing to her. She stopped. I calmed her. Her mommy.
Now, my life is changed FOREVER. I will be forever the mother of a baby girl, my first born, that I do not have. It hurts, it stings, it is just so painful. And to know that there are other mothers out there, way too many, it doesn't really help, yet it does, but my heart breaks and aches for them as well. Who would have thoughts there would be a community out there for all of us, or that I would be a member. Not me? Not any of us.
I just know, that I am thankful, to have gotten to meet her, to have had her for 35 days, to be able to do the few mommy things that I could do. I miss you Naomi. I love you. I just miss you. Please dont forget me.
I sometimes look at it and just say what a gift God has given me, to become a mother, my beautiful Naomi made me a mommy. Other times, I sit on the edge of my bed towards her memorial and just cry, I let it out. I talk to her, I plead with her to come back. Yet in all reality, I know shes not. I look at her pictures, trying to remember, walking up from the elvator, pressing the NICU button, them seeing that its me, they knew me. Every day I would be there visiting her getting updates, 10 to 12 hrs a day. They just knew me. Saying "hi mom, how are you". Being called mom. Still was new to me, but I liked it. I liked it.
I remember taking her little temperature, changing her tiny diapers and holding up her little legs so I can put the diaper under neathe her. I thought I would hurt her, because of how TINY she was. The nurse said no youre doing a good job. I remember her positions my favorite was when they had her on her tummy and her little bottom was sorta up in the air. She looked OH SO CUTE! I remember hearing her tiny tiny baby cries through her incubator. I remember holding her one time and her crying and I started to sing to her. She stopped. I calmed her. Her mommy.
Now, my life is changed FOREVER. I will be forever the mother of a baby girl, my first born, that I do not have. It hurts, it stings, it is just so painful. And to know that there are other mothers out there, way too many, it doesn't really help, yet it does, but my heart breaks and aches for them as well. Who would have thoughts there would be a community out there for all of us, or that I would be a member. Not me? Not any of us.
I just know, that I am thankful, to have gotten to meet her, to have had her for 35 days, to be able to do the few mommy things that I could do. I miss you Naomi. I love you. I just miss you. Please dont forget me.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Where I am at today...
I am very scared, anxious, getting to the point of being excited all on this new pregnancy. Yet, there is not a day that doesn't go by that I do not think about or wish my sweet Naomi was here.
Since learning of the news, I have had so many friends & even complete strangers send so many thoughtful gifts & even baby things. I haven't even bought a thing yet for this new little one. I am just afraid, afraid of what could be. I know it all too well, I am afraid to jink myself in a way. My friends are all asking about a baby shower. I keep putting the thought of it off, yes of course I would love one, yet I never got to have one for Naomi, we had been starting to plan one around the time everything just went wrong. And I just happen to be at that point in my pregnancy now where things changed forever. So I am scared. I sometimes think, I do not want one until this baby is home & safely in my arms.
My due date is October 22. Seems like its right around the corner. When people ask me my due date, I freak. I sometimes just want to say, the baby will be here soon enough. I freak when ever I hear that question. As of today I am 27 w & 5 days. My first goal Dr had said was 28 weeks. Looks like, crossing my fingers, I will make that goal. Then my next one is 32. I can do it. I just *have* to.
Of course, learning of my pregnancy, I am at high risk. I had gotten the very best health insurance thankfully through my mother. I have a wonderful doctor who has taken the best care of me & also have been seeing a MFM as well. Well, me, freaking out with every little ache or pain, or none movement, I had been into L&D 3 times. This last time I went because I was feeling the baby move less. I went in, the nurse remembered me of course, this was July 13th. They strapped me on the monitor and sure enough the baby was moving all around & they hadnt seen such a good baby for that gestational age. That made me happy.
The nurse was about to send me home when she decided to admit me for 24 hrs so I can see myself on the monitor and note the movements and feel them as well. I could barely feel half of them, my thought was because of my anterior placenta as like my doctor told me. But I was happy they allowed me to stay. Testing was done to get PIH labs done to clear me from that since my severe history. Bloodwork came back fine. Nurse comes in about my 24 hr collection, and says there was 0 protein. I thought Horray I can leave! Comes back 5 minutes later, says we read the wrong thing. My protein level was elevated, to 560. Normal was 225 she said. Are you kidding me?
I started to panic, I cried. My OB then did not want to play and got me transferred to another hospital with a level 3 NICU. Yet I wasn't experiencing any other symptoms of preeclampsia really besides headaches. So out of proticol, I was transferred via ambulance over there. I was SO very lucky to have had a wonderful nurse, we even exchanged numbers, she was so kind & even road with me in the ambulance. I was fine the whole way, until they got me in my room and as the left, I started to cry. I thought no, this cant be happening. No bp issues thank God. But still, that protein was there.
So well I was watched and baby was monitored, bp checks and monitoring every 8 and 4 hours. I had lots of visitors, friends & family. I was 25 weeks then. I thought no way can I have this baby. I kept asking if they would deliver on protein alone, thankfully no. Bloodtests kept coming back fine, but the protein was still elevated. I had seen the kidney doctor there, no underlying issues or kidney damage that they could see. My doctor did diagnose me with mild preeclampsia. .
So there we go, the diagnois was made. I just knew I was going to get it, it was a matter of when. Yet I question myself, do I really have it and they caught it early early on? I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and was released this Friday. I was sent home with monitoring of bp & weight & will be brought in more often to see my ob. So far, baby looks great, no bp issues, so its a wait & see game from here. I was given the steroid shot the day before being transferred to other hospital. The memories all came flooding back, last year I was admitted at 27 w 5 days because of how sick I was with preeclampsia and had gotten the shot. I was just so scared everything was going to happen again.
Thankfully, I am at home, feeling alright, but it just still scares me because inside, I feel like something is slightly off. I could be being paranoid, but I just feel as if I am that ticking time bomb as many of us pre E mommies say, waiting to explode. But I Am thankful to be where I am at today. So far this baby is not showing signs of IUGR which is FANTASTIC. So that is going in my favor. I go for my MFM appointment August 3rd, I hadn't been in in a month. We will be doing the growth scan & looking at the blood flow. I am hoping for great news.
Until then, I just have to keep hanging in here, was put on modified bed rest, laying low around the house, lots of rest to keep that bp from rising. I am just hoping & praying for the very best of outcomes!
Here is a picture of me of today, this was the biggest I had ever seen myself get, never got this big with my sweetpea Naomi.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Very unexpected news...
It has been quite some time since I last updated my blog, I am still all new to all of this as well. Things have been quite hectic, full of emotions, anger, sadness, grief, all in one!
Things do not happen or go as planned ever in my book of life, and in the midst of my grieving for my sweetpea Naomi, I got myself involved with the father again, thinking he was the closest I had to Naomi, knowing not even him could bring her back. We are no longer together, that is the end of that.
But, I unexpectedly found out back in Feb, Feb 17th to be exact, that I was pregnant. I went into an office called HOPE pregnancy thinking oh its going to be negative, because I had been testing negative since January. Just a missed period. Thought okay, maybe this is one of the months I skip and have it the next month. LMP, was Dec 17th. I take the test with the lady there, she explained 1 line is negative and 2 is positive. I tested and I see one line was about to get up and to go out of the office and she says no, theres 2. I said "WHAT?!". She said "yes, look the other one is faint but yes its there". I looked closer. My heart just dropped. I kept having to peek over at it, I felt my world just spun around again. And sure enough as we talked more the line got darker, there was definitely 2 lines. I started crying. I explained to her about my history of my past & just losing my daughter and still grieving fully for her.
I had no idea all my emotions would come out and be like this all over again. That was the same office I went to confirm my pregnancy with Naomi as well. I thought how can I go this? I am all alone, I have nothing, no car, no job, nothing. What will my parents think? My head was spinning. A pregnancy should be a happy an exciting thing. My case is different.
Alot has happened since then, for quite some time, I hadnt been excited. I wish I could but I couldnt. I was scared, mad,upset, hurt, all things I shouldn't be. I didn't want it. NOT talking about abortion, NEVER would I go through such a thing. I just was still i nthe midst of grieving and I couldn't take it all in still. Weeks went by, and it still hadn't hit me that I was pregnant again. Yes, I had the nausea, the tiredness, but I still did not believe I was pregnant. I kept it hidden for quite some time from my friends & family and it just was too much for me, too emotional, it was taking its toll on me.
Even, reporting before, going to my own sisters baby shower was very difficult for me EVEN THO I WAS PREGNANT. She has it all, 21 as well when I had my first pregnancy so is she, married, has a house, has it all, financially set. Me, I am not. Still to this day, I want to be happy for her, but right now, I can't. My own blood, my own sister. I will be an Aunt. It hurts me because this is her first pregnancy, she is already at 36 weeks and has a normal free pregnacy, and my 2nd so far is FAR from being worry free. I just did the best I could while there, holding back tons of tears and hurt. I feel jealous too, with my mom being so close to my sister, always being around her and yes this is her 2nd grandchild, but I feel like Naomi should be her first and isn't in a way. I was told about her news a few months after, my mom thinking it would be okay to tell me because she knew about my news. I just bawled my eyes out. It hurts.
I still have a lot of figuring out to do and what my plans are. Now, I am starting to be accepting of my whole situation, nothing I can do to change it. I am blessed & thankful to have a family caring for me & taking me back in at home during this time. Lots of things still going on, emotions I have to figure out & deal with, but so far, I am lucky to be where I am, especially in this pregnancy compared to last time. I will update more next on my pregnancy & where I am at now.
Things do not happen or go as planned ever in my book of life, and in the midst of my grieving for my sweetpea Naomi, I got myself involved with the father again, thinking he was the closest I had to Naomi, knowing not even him could bring her back. We are no longer together, that is the end of that.
But, I unexpectedly found out back in Feb, Feb 17th to be exact, that I was pregnant. I went into an office called HOPE pregnancy thinking oh its going to be negative, because I had been testing negative since January. Just a missed period. Thought okay, maybe this is one of the months I skip and have it the next month. LMP, was Dec 17th. I take the test with the lady there, she explained 1 line is negative and 2 is positive. I tested and I see one line was about to get up and to go out of the office and she says no, theres 2. I said "WHAT?!". She said "yes, look the other one is faint but yes its there". I looked closer. My heart just dropped. I kept having to peek over at it, I felt my world just spun around again. And sure enough as we talked more the line got darker, there was definitely 2 lines. I started crying. I explained to her about my history of my past & just losing my daughter and still grieving fully for her.
I had no idea all my emotions would come out and be like this all over again. That was the same office I went to confirm my pregnancy with Naomi as well. I thought how can I go this? I am all alone, I have nothing, no car, no job, nothing. What will my parents think? My head was spinning. A pregnancy should be a happy an exciting thing. My case is different.
Alot has happened since then, for quite some time, I hadnt been excited. I wish I could but I couldnt. I was scared, mad,upset, hurt, all things I shouldn't be. I didn't want it. NOT talking about abortion, NEVER would I go through such a thing. I just was still i nthe midst of grieving and I couldn't take it all in still. Weeks went by, and it still hadn't hit me that I was pregnant again. Yes, I had the nausea, the tiredness, but I still did not believe I was pregnant. I kept it hidden for quite some time from my friends & family and it just was too much for me, too emotional, it was taking its toll on me.
Even, reporting before, going to my own sisters baby shower was very difficult for me EVEN THO I WAS PREGNANT. She has it all, 21 as well when I had my first pregnancy so is she, married, has a house, has it all, financially set. Me, I am not. Still to this day, I want to be happy for her, but right now, I can't. My own blood, my own sister. I will be an Aunt. It hurts me because this is her first pregnancy, she is already at 36 weeks and has a normal free pregnacy, and my 2nd so far is FAR from being worry free. I just did the best I could while there, holding back tons of tears and hurt. I feel jealous too, with my mom being so close to my sister, always being around her and yes this is her 2nd grandchild, but I feel like Naomi should be her first and isn't in a way. I was told about her news a few months after, my mom thinking it would be okay to tell me because she knew about my news. I just bawled my eyes out. It hurts.
I still have a lot of figuring out to do and what my plans are. Now, I am starting to be accepting of my whole situation, nothing I can do to change it. I am blessed & thankful to have a family caring for me & taking me back in at home during this time. Lots of things still going on, emotions I have to figure out & deal with, but so far, I am lucky to be where I am, especially in this pregnancy compared to last time. I will update more next on my pregnancy & where I am at now.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Venting..feelings -I just want you to go away!
This may be something I should write in my journal, but I am upset & crying and just need to get it out now, and I am a fast typist so here it goes.
I just feel so utterfly lost again. I wish I wasn't having these feelings, for my own sister. I feel like a bad person for them. My 21 yr old sister is pregnant, due at the end of August with a boy. Yes, I will be an Aunt. Just like she is/was to my sweet Naomi. My sister is having her baby shower this Saturday, June 12th, at my parents house, where I still am living. I am only 22 years old. I have been freaking about this event and just I would say "jealous" about it since I have known about it.
It upsets me because every other word or talk around this house is mentioning of my sisters baby shower and or her. I feel like I am left out. I am the oldest of 4 and for some time my mom has been quite close with my sister. They are always together it seems like and I feel like I am just not included in things. Yes my grandma and my mom went to go to SamsClub to gather things for the day, which is 5 days away. My grandmother wanted me to come, um no thank you. I have the wrong attitude for it all I KNOW. I just cant get past these feelings. I want to, I REALLY do. But when I think about it all, it makes me so sad & just sick feeling. Especially the fact how she couldn't go to Naomi's 1st birthday celebration, but under certain circumstances.
Family, and friends will be here at the house and neighbors, a baby shower should and is a happy thing. But you know, I think, in my situation, baby showers don't make it sure that a baby will come home with you near your duedate. Because of everything that happened to me, I just cant deal with baby showers. I haven't ever been invited to one, until, quite funny, not really but shortly after my daughter's death. I was like WTH! But I declined every time. My sister's would be the first one I would be going to. I am jealous & hurt because I didn't get to have one with Naomi, but one was about to be planned in the works just shortly before I had her. But I feel as if for my sister they are going all out (my parents). It hurts. They made up backyard nicer and just doing so much. I want to be happy for my sister & her husband, but I am not close with her anymore like I used to when we were younger.
I just do not know how to let go of these feelings. I have it set in my mind that I am not going to go and will spend the day with my best friend. But my mom is trying to tell me to at least go for an hr or 2. I don't want to see my neighbors and family and have them ask questions to me, my mom said they wont. Or I dont want them looking at me with sympathy or either asking what I have been up to. I have nothing to say. I haven't done much. I am not working, not in school, I need to be. I need to straighten out my life!
So basically by saying that to me "all attention will be on your sister". Gee thanks Mom. I feel like if I do try & go, I will end up crying and making a mess of myself & I don't want to even put myself in that situation, yet I feel maybe after its all over I may regret not going. I don't know what to do. I just wish I had my sweet Naomi here and everything would be great. But its not.
For once, I need a positive blog post, I really do. And or maybe something off topic besides my feelings all the time & negativity. Maybe tomorrow I can have some good news to talk about. I pray I will.
I just feel so utterfly lost again. I wish I wasn't having these feelings, for my own sister. I feel like a bad person for them. My 21 yr old sister is pregnant, due at the end of August with a boy. Yes, I will be an Aunt. Just like she is/was to my sweet Naomi. My sister is having her baby shower this Saturday, June 12th, at my parents house, where I still am living. I am only 22 years old. I have been freaking about this event and just I would say "jealous" about it since I have known about it.
It upsets me because every other word or talk around this house is mentioning of my sisters baby shower and or her. I feel like I am left out. I am the oldest of 4 and for some time my mom has been quite close with my sister. They are always together it seems like and I feel like I am just not included in things. Yes my grandma and my mom went to go to SamsClub to gather things for the day, which is 5 days away. My grandmother wanted me to come, um no thank you. I have the wrong attitude for it all I KNOW. I just cant get past these feelings. I want to, I REALLY do. But when I think about it all, it makes me so sad & just sick feeling. Especially the fact how she couldn't go to Naomi's 1st birthday celebration, but under certain circumstances.
Family, and friends will be here at the house and neighbors, a baby shower should and is a happy thing. But you know, I think, in my situation, baby showers don't make it sure that a baby will come home with you near your duedate. Because of everything that happened to me, I just cant deal with baby showers. I haven't ever been invited to one, until, quite funny, not really but shortly after my daughter's death. I was like WTH! But I declined every time. My sister's would be the first one I would be going to. I am jealous & hurt because I didn't get to have one with Naomi, but one was about to be planned in the works just shortly before I had her. But I feel as if for my sister they are going all out (my parents). It hurts. They made up backyard nicer and just doing so much. I want to be happy for my sister & her husband, but I am not close with her anymore like I used to when we were younger.
I just do not know how to let go of these feelings. I have it set in my mind that I am not going to go and will spend the day with my best friend. But my mom is trying to tell me to at least go for an hr or 2. I don't want to see my neighbors and family and have them ask questions to me, my mom said they wont. Or I dont want them looking at me with sympathy or either asking what I have been up to. I have nothing to say. I haven't done much. I am not working, not in school, I need to be. I need to straighten out my life!
So basically by saying that to me "all attention will be on your sister". Gee thanks Mom. I feel like if I do try & go, I will end up crying and making a mess of myself & I don't want to even put myself in that situation, yet I feel maybe after its all over I may regret not going. I don't know what to do. I just wish I had my sweet Naomi here and everything would be great. But its not.
For once, I need a positive blog post, I really do. And or maybe something off topic besides my feelings all the time & negativity. Maybe tomorrow I can have some good news to talk about. I pray I will.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
I just feel down today
I am watching the rain pour from my computer window, just grey and miserable outside right now. I can't stop thinking about tomorrow. I shouldn't think about it, but I can't help it. First off, we hit the UGLY month of June. To some its a beautiful month but to me its not. The very first day of June last year was when my beautiful little sweetpea Naomi was taken away from me. So when June 1st came around, the days just leading up to it was very hard. I cried & screamed like it has happened all over again. I remember details of it, I will never forget. Tomorrow, is June 6th. The 1 yr anniversary of her funeral. My daughter's funeral. What the hell?? I sometimes still think I am in a fricken nightmare that I just cant wake up from. Sometimes when I am in the pool or out with my friends or just sitting around my house, I think to myself, I should be busy with my sweet Naomi, I feel a sense of emptyness still like something is missing.
Naomi is missing, oh so much. I just want her back. I will never see her precious face again, hear her tiny tiny little cries, or see her take her first steps. Nothing. Never in a million years did I and I am sure no mother, would have thought anything would happen like this. Yes Naomi was very sick but not once did it cross my mind, maybe towards the last day or so yes but I thought she would pull through. I remember not having any thing "black" to wear for that dreadful day. I went with my mom to the mall a few days before and we were about to go into a store to look and I just started bawling my eyes out that I could not go in there and wanted to leave. I remember flicking off a tmobile phonesales person when asking me if I wanted something with my phone. I was so angry, in a cloud, with all the emotions from when I first lost my daughter. I was a mess. Cursing at people, yelling, just not caring at all.
I remember everything that day about her funeral. I shouldn't go back or think about this right, I am ready to be in tears. I have a lot on my mind now and Ive got to let it out. I just can picture her little face, when going in to see her for the first time in the "home". I started screaming & crying. I remember it all. I miss my angel so much.
I just wish this all would end. Yes I am in a new situation now, but it still doesn't make things automatically go better. I wish. It doesn't. The pain is still very much there and never does a day go by that I do not think about Naomi or wish she were here with me.
I have came across more blogs of mommies, and it tears me apart, mommies who have lost babies and or children. I cry every time I come across another one. But yet like another blogger had said in a entry of hers, I feel a connection with lots of you. I am so thankful to be able to have met the friends/mommies even though not in person, just yet. It really helps, with others who truly understand. Yes my friends have been there for me but some just still dont understand how I can still be hurting or the way I am thinking or feeling. So I want to thank each & every one of you who has reached out their hand & said a few words, even just to say I am thinking about you or lighting a candle for my beautiful little angel. THANK YOU!
Naomi is missing, oh so much. I just want her back. I will never see her precious face again, hear her tiny tiny little cries, or see her take her first steps. Nothing. Never in a million years did I and I am sure no mother, would have thought anything would happen like this. Yes Naomi was very sick but not once did it cross my mind, maybe towards the last day or so yes but I thought she would pull through. I remember not having any thing "black" to wear for that dreadful day. I went with my mom to the mall a few days before and we were about to go into a store to look and I just started bawling my eyes out that I could not go in there and wanted to leave. I remember flicking off a tmobile phonesales person when asking me if I wanted something with my phone. I was so angry, in a cloud, with all the emotions from when I first lost my daughter. I was a mess. Cursing at people, yelling, just not caring at all.
I remember everything that day about her funeral. I shouldn't go back or think about this right, I am ready to be in tears. I have a lot on my mind now and Ive got to let it out. I just can picture her little face, when going in to see her for the first time in the "home". I started screaming & crying. I remember it all. I miss my angel so much.
I just wish this all would end. Yes I am in a new situation now, but it still doesn't make things automatically go better. I wish. It doesn't. The pain is still very much there and never does a day go by that I do not think about Naomi or wish she were here with me.
I have came across more blogs of mommies, and it tears me apart, mommies who have lost babies and or children. I cry every time I come across another one. But yet like another blogger had said in a entry of hers, I feel a connection with lots of you. I am so thankful to be able to have met the friends/mommies even though not in person, just yet. It really helps, with others who truly understand. Yes my friends have been there for me but some just still dont understand how I can still be hurting or the way I am thinking or feeling. So I want to thank each & every one of you who has reached out their hand & said a few words, even just to say I am thinking about you or lighting a candle for my beautiful little angel. THANK YOU!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
It has been a while since I last posted, and I apologize. I really do want to start blogging daily or a few times a week. This morning I had a cry, and I haven't in a while. I just sat on the edge of my bed staring at Naomi's pictures and how it all just doesn't seem to be. I started to talk to her, and I just started to cry. I feel as if I do not know what to do. June 1 is coming up, and it just saddens me so much. June 1st is the day my sweet Naomi went up to Heaven.
On another note, I did the March of Dimes walk on May 8th, with my best friend, and another friend of mine & her boyfriend. I never done a walk before and I loved it. I defenitely wasnt planning on doing the whole 6 miles, just couldn't. But I did 3 miles and I was so proud of myself. The walk was along the beach in Ft Lauderdale, an absolutely beautiful day. The shirts came out beautiful as well, couldn't ask for more!
But otherwise, I have been doing better, not being in bed all the time, and being more active. Still have to job search & figure out a plan for me. Thankfully I have a lot of friends that are willing to help and give me advice. Means a lot to me.
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