Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Two months..

I cannot believe my sweet Sadie is 2 months old already. Boy does the time just FLY by! I have seen so much of her already, her progressing, she smiles when I talk to her, she is starting to babble and make little sounds, it is just the cutest thing ever. She weighs almost 9 lbs, yes on the small end compared to other babies, but Dr said she will catch up within a year hopefully. I cannot wait until I get to experience all of life with my little girl. I can't wait to see the other milestones with her. She lights up my world. I look at her and just feel all the love, I still in a way cannot believe she is here, and that she is mine! All mine . I love her with every sole of my body, her and her big sister forever.

I cannot explain how much joy she has brought to my life. Yet I still feel empty, and I miss my dear Naomi so much. Some day I will struggle break the words to Sadie about her big sister. I will have to answer question that she has, but I will, it happened, and she forever will be remembered every day, every holiday, no time will she not go remembered.

Yesterday, I had a dentist apt, and I had explained how I was pregnant last time at another office so I only got a limited x-ray done there. So I was asked by the tech "first one?" I said, "no, I had my first born, my first daughter last year, and she passed away". "Oh, well for this little girl you have all that much more love to give to her". Ummmm, excuse me, I thought, NO. I just kept quiet, yet it hurt. Thats not how it is. I will love them each the same, more love is not generated towards one of the other. That just bothered me a bit, I should have said something but they wouldn't understand.

Then today, I met up with a friend and her baby boy Ethan for lunch. As we were leaving, one of the waitresses commented on my butterfly tattoo on my foot. Asked if it had hurt or how bad the pain was. I explained not bad compared to this dinky one on my hand (and the one on my hand is just an outline of a star). Well anyways, she said, she daughter loved dragonflies and passed away a couple years ago and she was debating wheather or not to get a dragonfly done on her foot, or wanted it over her heart. I just stopped quick in my tracks and wanted to tear up. And my friend and I both looked at each other, we both know the pain. We both lost our baby girls last year. I wanted to say something to her but I didn't. The whole way home I had cried, I thought I should go back and show her my tattoo I had done in honor & memory of Naomi. It just pains me, no child should go before their parents, its just not the way things should be. :(


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