Thursday, July 29, 2010

I just miss her, where has the time gone?

Today, I just feel empty. I look behind me and there is what used to be filled with gifts from the hospital, flowers, and baby baskets & get well balloons and cards, wipes, diapers that I had yet to put away. Now, it is covered with pictures of me holding my daughter & poems I wrote, and things on preeclampsia. It is now a memorial, that I will forever keep there.

I sometimes look at it and just say what a gift God has given me, to become a mother, my beautiful Naomi made me a mommy. Other times, I sit on the edge of my bed towards her memorial and just cry, I let it out. I talk to her, I plead with her to come back. Yet in all reality, I know shes not. I look at her pictures, trying to remember, walking up from the elvator, pressing the NICU button, them seeing that its me, they knew me. Every day I would be there visiting her getting updates, 10 to 12 hrs a day. They just knew me. Saying "hi mom, how are you". Being called mom. Still was new to me, but I liked it. I liked it.

I remember taking her little temperature, changing her tiny diapers and holding up her little legs so I can put the diaper under neathe her. I thought I would hurt her, because of how TINY she was. The nurse said no youre doing a good job. I remember her positions my favorite was when they had her on her tummy and her little bottom was sorta up in the air. She looked OH SO CUTE! I remember hearing her tiny tiny baby cries through her incubator. I remember holding her one time and her crying and I started to sing to her. She stopped. I calmed her. Her mommy.

Now, my life is changed FOREVER. I will be forever the mother of a baby girl, my first born, that I do not have. It hurts, it stings, it is just so painful. And to know that there are other mothers out there, way too many, it doesn't really help, yet it does, but my heart breaks and aches for them as well. Who would have thoughts there would be a community out there for all of us, or that I would be a member. Not me? Not any of us.

I just know, that I am thankful, to have gotten to meet her, to have had her for 35 days, to be able to do the few mommy things that I could do. I miss you Naomi. I love you. I just miss you. Please dont forget me.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Where I am at today...

I am very scared, anxious, getting to the point of being excited all on this new pregnancy. Yet, there is not a day that doesn't go by that I do not think about or wish my sweet Naomi was here.

Since learning of the news, I have had so many friends & even complete strangers send so many thoughtful gifts & even baby things. I haven't even bought a thing yet for this new little one. I am just afraid, afraid of what could be. I know it all too well, I am afraid to jink myself in a way. My friends are all asking about a baby shower. I keep putting the thought of it off, yes of course I would love one, yet I never got to have one for Naomi, we had been starting to plan one around the time everything just went wrong. And I just happen to be at that point in my pregnancy now where things changed forever. So I am scared. I sometimes think, I do not want one until this baby is home & safely in my arms.

My due date is October 22. Seems like its right around the corner. When people ask me my due date, I freak. I sometimes just want to say, the baby will be here soon enough. I freak when ever I hear that question. As of today I am 27 w & 5 days. My first goal Dr had said was 28 weeks. Looks like, crossing my fingers, I will make that goal. Then my next one is 32. I can do it. I just *have* to.

Of course, learning of my pregnancy, I am at high risk. I had gotten the very best health insurance thankfully through my mother. I have a wonderful doctor who has taken the best care of me & also have been seeing a MFM as well. Well, me, freaking out with every little ache or pain, or none movement, I had been into L&D 3 times. This last time I went because I was feeling the baby move less. I went in, the nurse remembered me of course, this was July 13th. They strapped me on the monitor and sure enough the baby was moving all around & they hadnt seen such a good baby for that gestational age. That made me happy.

The nurse was about to send me home when she decided to admit me for 24 hrs so I can see myself on the monitor and note the movements and feel them as well. I could barely feel half of them, my thought was because of my anterior placenta as like my doctor told me. But I was happy they allowed me to stay. Testing was done to get PIH labs done to clear me from that since my severe history. Bloodwork came back fine. Nurse comes in about my 24 hr collection, and says there was 0 protein. I thought Horray I can leave! Comes back 5 minutes later, says we read the wrong thing. My protein level was elevated, to 560. Normal was 225 she said. Are you kidding me?

I started to panic, I cried. My OB then did not want to play and got me transferred to another hospital with a level 3 NICU. Yet I wasn't experiencing any other symptoms of preeclampsia really besides headaches. So out of proticol, I was transferred via ambulance over there. I was SO very lucky to have had a wonderful nurse, we even exchanged numbers, she was so kind & even road with me in the ambulance. I was fine the whole way, until they got me in my room and as the left, I started to cry. I thought no, this cant be happening. No bp issues thank God. But still, that protein was there.

So well I was watched and baby was monitored, bp checks and monitoring every 8 and 4 hours. I had lots of visitors, friends & family. I was 25 weeks then. I thought no way can I have this baby. I kept asking if they would deliver on protein alone, thankfully no. Bloodtests kept coming back fine, but the protein was still elevated. I had seen the kidney doctor there, no underlying issues or kidney damage that they could see. My doctor did diagnose me with mild preeclampsia. .

So there we go, the diagnois was made. I just knew I was going to get it, it was a matter of when. Yet I question myself, do I really have it and they caught it early early on? I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and was released this Friday. I was sent home with monitoring of bp & weight & will be brought in more often to see my ob. So far, baby looks great, no bp issues, so its a wait & see game from here. I was given the steroid shot the day before being transferred to other hospital. The memories all came flooding back, last year I was admitted at 27 w 5 days because of how sick I was with preeclampsia and had gotten the shot. I was just so scared everything was going to happen again.

Thankfully, I am at home, feeling alright, but it just still scares me because inside, I feel like something is slightly off. I could be being paranoid, but I just feel as if I am that ticking time bomb as many of us pre E mommies say, waiting to explode. But I Am thankful to be where I am at today. So far this baby is not showing signs of IUGR which is FANTASTIC. So that is going in my favor. I go for my MFM appointment August 3rd, I hadn't been in in a month. We will be doing the growth scan & looking at the blood flow. I am hoping for great news.

Until then, I just have to keep hanging in here, was put on modified bed rest, laying low around the house, lots of rest to keep that bp from rising. I am just hoping & praying for the very best of outcomes!

Here is a picture of me of today, this was the biggest I had ever seen myself get, never got this big with my sweetpea Naomi.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Very unexpected news...

It has been quite some time since I last updated my blog, I am still all new to all of this as well. Things have been quite hectic, full of emotions, anger, sadness, grief, all in one!

Things do not happen or go as planned ever in my book of life, and in the midst of my grieving for my sweetpea Naomi, I got myself involved with the father again, thinking he was the closest I had to Naomi, knowing not even him could bring her back. We are no longer together, that is the end of that.

But, I unexpectedly found out back in Feb, Feb 17th to be exact, that I was pregnant. I went into an office called HOPE pregnancy thinking oh its going to be negative, because I had been testing negative since January. Just a missed period. Thought okay, maybe this is one of the months I skip and have it the next month. LMP, was Dec 17th. I take the test with the lady there, she explained 1 line is negative and 2 is positive. I tested and I see one line was about to get up and to go out of the office and she says no, theres 2. I said "WHAT?!". She said "yes, look the other one is faint but yes its there". I looked closer. My heart just dropped. I kept having to peek over at it, I felt my world just spun around again. And sure enough as we talked more the line got darker, there was definitely 2 lines. I started crying. I explained to her about my history of my past & just losing my daughter and still grieving fully for her.

I had no idea all my emotions would come out and be like this all over again. That was the same office I went to confirm my pregnancy with Naomi as well. I thought how can I go this? I am all alone, I have nothing, no car, no job, nothing. What will my parents think? My head was spinning. A pregnancy should be a happy an exciting thing. My case is different.

Alot has happened since then, for quite some time, I hadnt been excited. I wish I could but I couldnt. I was scared, mad,upset, hurt, all things I shouldn't be. I didn't want it. NOT talking about abortion, NEVER would I go through such a thing. I just was still i nthe midst of grieving and I couldn't take it all in still. Weeks went by, and it still hadn't hit me that I was pregnant again. Yes, I had the nausea, the tiredness, but I still did not believe I was pregnant. I kept it hidden for quite some time from my friends & family and it just was too much for me, too emotional, it was taking its toll on me.

Even, reporting before, going to my own sisters baby shower was very difficult for me EVEN THO I WAS PREGNANT. She has it all, 21 as well when I had my first pregnancy so is she, married, has a house, has it all, financially set. Me, I am not. Still to this day, I want to be happy for her, but right now, I can't. My own blood, my own sister. I will be an Aunt. It hurts me because this is her first pregnancy, she is already at 36 weeks and has a normal free pregnacy, and my 2nd so far is FAR from being worry free. I just did the best I could while there, holding back tons of tears and hurt. I feel jealous too, with my mom being so close to my sister, always being around her and yes this is her 2nd grandchild, but I feel like Naomi should be her first and isn't in a way. I was told about her news a few months after, my mom thinking it would be okay to tell me because she knew about my news. I just bawled my eyes out. It hurts.

I still have a lot of figuring out to do and what my plans are. Now, I am starting to be accepting of my whole situation, nothing I can do to change it. I am blessed & thankful to have a family caring for me & taking me back in at home during this time. Lots of things still going on, emotions I have to figure out & deal with, but so far, I am lucky to be where I am, especially in this pregnancy compared to last time. I will update more next on my pregnancy & where I am at now.
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