Friday, September 24, 2010

Surprise or expected?? Somebody's Birthday arrived!!!!!

Where do I even start? A lot has been going on and has happened since I last was able to post! I have wanted to blog for so long about all of this but just could not get the time until finally now!

I was admitted in to hospital on Friday the 10th of September because of my high blood pressure in the office & my headache that would not go away without tylenol. I thought this time, I am NOT letting them release me no matter what. I will fight them until they listen to me. I was being watched, constant 24 hr monitoring of baby & bp checks every hour, and blood tests quite often. I was becoming a pin cushion but I was already used to it! I was a bit swollen in my face and my feet and arms a bit but thought oh thats because I am on the IV fluids. But apparently not. I was put on iron also, because of my very low iron level and being anemic. I had had headaches here and there in hospital but nothing too bad. My uric acid level was going up slightly and my platelets were a bit low but not too concerning. My doctor had told me lets get to 34 weeks.

A couple days after, I had friends visit and while they were visiting, I had felt awful! As if I had to jump out of my skin, I could not sit still, felt very uncomfortable and just wanted to like die. It was so weird I had never experienced something like that. I felt bad because they were visiting and I could barely pay attention. I didn't think too much of it not reporting to my nurse. I thought maybe it was some weird side effect of one of the meds I was on. Around 2 am that morning, I had to page my nurse. I was having contractions! I thought what the heck is going on? They were painful suckers! I would rate them about a 7 out of 10 in pain. I was shocked, I thought okay I will be given IV fluids and they will stop. WRONG. They were happening boom boom boom like ever 4 to 6 minutes then dropped to 1 to 2 minutes. I was freaking out. The nurse told me to breathe through them I thought omg I am going into labor. The contractions ended up going on for 12 straight hours. The dr and nurses checked me but my cervix never changed just was soft. So I ended up not going into labor but was contracting. Scary!!

The next day or so I had a headache through the night that wasn't going away even with tylenol. My doctor was notified and he almost came in that night to deliver me. The headache was still there in the morning. My reflexes were checked the day before this and they were quite brisk, I had never seen that before with me. So I thought things were definitely progressing with my preeclampsia. So my nurse came on in the morning of September 16, and had told me "I hear they have been talking delivering you". I said What!! And sure enough 2 minutes or so later the change of shift nurse comes in and says she spoke with my dr and that today was the day!!!!! I was so scared, nervous, and excited all at the same time. I knew things were progressing down hill quickly and he knew before that we could only buy another few days and he didnt want to risk anything.

So I was told around 10 I would be going into surgery. I had been texting with a pree mommy that morning anyways and I immediately texted her, she was the first person to find out what TODAY WAS THE DAY! Not even my best friend or mom did I tell but this sweet sweet mommy who I have become close with from afar. I thought omg I am still not 100% on a name, I didn't get to have my baby shower, nothing is ready! But I was lucky to have a few friends and my mom come by on that Sunday my date of my shower and bring LOADS of gifts, clothes and nicknacks, that surely brightend up my day!

So, well I was being prepared and told what was going to happen. Things were all flooding back to my memory of when I had sweetpea Naomi. I called my mom and she was working on the 4th floor, I thought its great she was there and was able to get off, her mananger was able to cover for her until 5 pm that day. So the nurse gives my mom scrubs and she changed and I was just watching everything unfold in front of me. Excited but SCARED!

I was wheeled in and things were started and sure enough my mom is there ready to begin. I kept having the shakes very badly I could not shaking in my arms, probably with the coldness and the spinal I had. I was ready to go about 10:30, and exactly at 11:00 am, my beautiful daughter was born, IT'S A GIRL they said. And I began to hear baby cries, music to my ears. With Naomi, I only heard a "cat's meow" and she was whisked away. They showed me my daughter for a minute and then cleaned her up and wrapped her in a blanket and placed her on my chest for a minute and I got to kiss her little cheek, something I did not have with Naomi. Bittersweet. I could not believe it. She was here. Still the "no name baby" at that point!

I was then wheeled into recovery and things were going well. Baby was sent to NICU and I thought I so did not want to have a NICU experience again but I thought oh I know I will be okay, I was at 34 weeks & 6 days when delivering her. I knew she would be okay, with the steriods on board. She weighed 4 lbs 15 oz! Special note that I had caught, Naomi was born at 9:16 am, and her little sister was born on 9/16. I was hoping and looking for some kind of sign like that! And sure enough I got it. Extra special.

So the next day when I had called to check on my little girl, they didn't give me any updates but had said the neonatologist was sending her to my room!!! I was shocked! Baby was breathing and eating on her own and doing well enough to be with mommy! And just so happened that my mom and dad and grandma were coming to see me and baby and they got to witness baby being brought to my room and mommmy holding her for the first time. She was brought in and I just started to cry and oh I was full of emotions, still am! I thought, okay, I was set on Gracie Faith for a while for her name. But when I saw her I thought she does NOT look like a Gracie. I had only til 2 that afternoon for a name. My dad suggested "Sadie". At first I thought um no, thats an ugly name. But then as I was looking at her when she was being held, I kept saying the name in my head and thought OMG it fits her, she looks like a Sadie!

So, after a bit of thinking, I thought, Sadie Marie will be her name (he suggested middle name as well, which is mine too). I absolutely adore her name the more I say it and see it. The first night I was alone with her in my hospital room, I held her and I just cried & cried. I see SO much of Naomi in her, but not so much a good picture, I see Naomi's memorial look to her when Sadie is sleeping.

I had quite a few friends to come by and visit and see my sweet Sadie and bring gifts so very sweet. I cannot thank my friends & family enough for all that they have done and help support me. My mom had been scrambling to get a crib and changing table and my room done before baby Sadie and I come home! I was so lucky to have had so many gifts brought and clothes from friends, because I was not prepared. I was still scared of buying anything even up until 34 weeks. But she is here! Naomi's sister is here. I was able to be released 4 days later, dr being cautious with my pre e that was considered severe because of my headache my dr said. I was just so surprised and excited that my baby was coming home with me. Being wheeled out of the hospital with the baby in my arms, everyone looking at her, just brought me so much joy yet emotional pain.

It has been a week since I have had my little girlie. When I got home into my room, I saw my memorial of Naomi that my mom had changed, she painted a beautiful pink dresser and painted butterflies on them and when I walked in to see it holding Sadie, I just started to cry & cry. It was beautiful but so so very emotional. I have cried alot since I have been home, missing Naomi but very happy with her little sister. Just hurt because I will never get to see Naomi grow up, or walk or crawl or say mommy. But I do know she has continued to watch over baby Sadie & mommy and has led us to get this far. God Bless my sweet Naomi. Miss you & love you so much.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Surprise, Surprise!

Sunday, September 12, was supposed to be my baby shower. The shower I had never been able to have with Naomi. I was looking forward to this yet I was full of emotions. I thought please let me be released so I can make my shower, yet I thought and know my health and babies health are so much more important than a baby shower that can take place after she is born & home with me. And I would have felt beyond horrible if I had went and something happened, afterall, I am still supposed to be on bedrest.

So anyways, my friend Kalie, (one who was throwing shower for me) came and visited me that day and brought some of the shower gifts I was meant to have because she knew I was upset and down about having to be in the hospital and missing my special day. My mom had been visiting as well and was able to see me open the gifs. She had got me the cutest little outfits, and nicknacks for a baby, pacifiers, teething rings, bottles, you name it! Said she also has alot more at home she could not bring. I was shocked. Then a little bit after, I got surprise visitors, friends I had not seen in awhile bringing in HUGE gifts. I just was so shocked and so very thankful for the friends I have. They would continue to tell me this baby girl wont go without anything. Made me very very happy. I just got so many adorable outfits, and boy did they think to also get bigger sizes in clothing! I also got tons of diapers & other baby nicknacks and even a yummy cake! I was just so happy, that definitely made my day for not having my shower! I was happy my mother was there to see me open the gifts.

Well, yesterday, my nurse came in near the end of shift and had said "Well I hear you are staying with us." I said "really? Like remainder of pregnancy?" She said yes, doctors don't want to take chances. I told her I said good because I wasnt going to let them release me this time. I wasn't goin anywhere. I was on bedrest at home, yes being from the bed or to the couch I was doing, but I also had to get up to make my own meals and of course living at home with my family theres alwayss something going n and my bp was just quite high. Being here in the hospital it is alot less stimulating and makes me calm. So that made me happy, I am hoping for at least another 2 weeks. I thought, wouldn't it be bitter sweet if I had Naomi's little sister on the 27th of this month? That would make me 36 weeks and 3 days. Yes my due date isnt until Oct 22nd, but I would so take that! So here is to a few more weeks!

I honestly cannot picture me having my little girlie in my arms and actually taking her home. The day I have her, is going to be FULL of emotions. I am going to be a mess, both happy, sad, excited, scared all rolled into one. Even thining about it now I am tearing up. I just know I will think about Naomi when being operated on and when I hear her little cry, boy, these doctors are going to think I am nuts. Its just going to be bittersweet. I am hoping to be able to wear my necklace with Naomi but I dont think I will be able to. I am hoping at least it can be near the table or I will let my mom hold on to it. I just cant believe how close I am and how delivery is pretty much right around the corner. Boy with these hospital stays, time flew by quick!

I am actually still stuck on a name!! For so long I had thought of Gracie Faith. I was driving one day months ago and saw this sign that said "Gracie Jit Jiu" or something like that. I repeated Gracie in my head and it really clickd with me. Then I thought Faith because Hope, it just went well with Naomi's name. Well my sisters had commented on it saying Gracie is pretty but that it sort of is country and or that Graceie & Faith is too much. So that kind of got me thinking, yet I know it is my own choice. Other names I have that I really do like are: Delaneey Grace, Aubrey, Rylie Paige, and I really do like alot Willow. I am into unique names. I joke and I tell my friends I am going to put them all in a bowl and just draw one, I cant choose! Maybe when I see her I will know? I am mad because I was so set on her little name. I still feel like she is "Gracie". We shall see.

Yesterday morning, I was watching a baby show and I thought let me stick with it so I can see if its a boy or girl and maybe here a name for an idea. And sure enough, they say "baby Naomi was born". My mouth dropped. Lately I had been having a lot of signs having Naomi around. I then started to tear up and had to change the channel. Another happening, I was in bed of course and my nurse commented on my necklace. She says "how many pictures does that hold" or something very similar to that. I paused for a few seconds and I then said "my daughter was cremated and she is with me here". She then started to sort of get off subject I guess she didn't know what to say but then I had said yes, alot of people assume I am wearing a locket. It does look like one. After she had left the room, I immediately got up and went into the bathroom and just started bawling my eyes out. I thought why me? Why? I WISH that my necklace was a locket with my sweet Naomi's picture in it. But its not. I carry her ashes with me. I have not taken this necklace off but maybe once or twice to clean the hair that gets stuck in it. I feel naked without it and I just evenI like shutter when it is off me. I am very thankful my sweet neighbor got it for me. Then, on one more note! I was watching tv a morning show & they have a segment on, and "Home" by Chris Daughtry starts playing. I thought oh my gosh, Naomi what are you doing to your mommy? That was the song that was playing in the OR when she was born.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Random thoughts & Update on Pregnancy

Since I had been home from the hospital, I had been having high bp readings. About only 4 of them out of the 25 times I took it over course of a few days were normal. Of course, I started to get worried. Bedrest at home is alot different than at hospital. Yes I was in bed or on the couch for the most part, but I had to get up to shower and make my food and use the restroom. So at 2 in the morning of my doctors apt on Friday, I had the worst headache I had ever had, it was pounding. My bp was quite high then and I decided to take tylenol, no luck with that. This headache lasted for HOURS and HOURS. I got ready for my appointment and drove myself there. I took my blood pressure machine with me to see how close it was to the office one. While sitting at a light, I took my bp. It was 143/102, with my head just pounding. I started to then speed to get my apt. I arrived & explained I was not feeling well and hopefully I could be seen quickly and also because I had another apt at 10:15 with my regular ob to get the 4d ultrasound done as well as just having regular checkup. I was excited I would finally get to see her because I missed last apt due to me being in hospital.

Well I get in the office and my bp was taken, 145/85. It was high but not as high as before. I explained to the doctor about my horrible headache and we took a look at the baby to look at everything and also follow up on the fluid in her kidneys. It is still there unfornately, but not something to where he is so concerned about, the level is not too too bad. My baby girl weighs 4lb 14 oz. That just blue my mind and made me happy, even tho I was not feeling well at all. Doctor came back in and told me he was going to admit me for preeclampsia. I told him I was already diagnosed by my OB with mild preeclampsia at 25 weeks, but he had said I didn't have it then due to me not having the bps, just protein. But I knew I did as it was.

So then, I proceded with the admission forms and took myself up to L&D floor. I started to panic because with Naomi, I was admitted on a Friday, by a mfm as well, and ended up delivering her on a Monday. Today is already Sunday, but I know I am not as sick as I was before, THANK GOD, and I am alot further along. Yes I do have more symptoms than I had when I was here last time, about a week ago. I am swollen pretty much all over, I notice my face, eyes, feet, and hips. I also awoke last night with nausea and I have had a lot of "heartburn". Worries me because I read on a mommy's blog how she always thought she had horrible "heartburn attacks" but come to find out it was URQ pain from HELLP. Still have some headaches, but the nausea is new, so I will be letting my doctor know about that today. 24 hr results should be in sometime today as well. Bloodwork is fine one thing was a little off, I still have to ask about that, bps have been okay.

So I am 34 weeks and 2 days, and this tiem I refuse to let them release me. I am so close, and I know I am nearing delivery, and I am okay with that. Because I know sometiems baby is better off outside of mommy than in but so far she is doing great, its just mommy that isnt feeling so hot!I just get mad and upset alot because of this horrible thing called PREECLAMPSIA that has robbed me and so many other mommies of our babies and our health and a "normal pregnancy". I will never have that. Never. And here, I absolutely LOVE children and babies, since the age of 10, I just have had that natural love and attention for children. I have had to walk on my tippy toes and pins and needs day by day week by week throughout this whole pregnancy. I had not been able to enjoy much, just a big huge worry wary for every little ache and pain. My friends & family just do not understand, they can try to but they just cant. It hurts alot, I cry alot, I miss Naomi alot, I jsut wish things were different. I have been robbed of just the all excitement about pregnancy (I am as scared as ever, had been each hospital visit as gotten me weeks on closer), my baby shower was supposed to be TODAY. I am so bummed about it. I never got one with Naomi. It was in the works.

My friend had this one scheduled and planned for a while now, and everyone was set to come. But due to this again, I had to cancel and reschedule for a welcome home baby shower. But I don't want everyone around my little girl, I just do not feel comfortable with that, so I can maybe make it to closer friends and family? I am not sure. But I want my shower. I want thate xperience, I wanted to be able to be happy and have my big belly and dress up and see all my friends, but I know my health and babies are very important. It just hurts. I am getting robbed, again.

The other day, I spoke to my sister, and asked how she was doing and baby. I had told her she sounded quite tired. She told me she doesn't know how I am going to do it. Which upset me, quite alot, but I did not say anything. Yes she is married, yes she has her husband to help. Yes I am going to be a single parent, for the time being and living at home. But does she not remember who I am? I have cared for SO many babies and toddlers and children. I pretty much know what to expect. I was a nanny for a 3 month old baby boy and eventually his little sister at 2 monnths as well. I took care of them for 10 hours a day, yes parenting is 24 hours, but I have had so much experience and I have a natural take to children and babies. I know it is alot of work, and I cannot wait. God Bless mt sister, I love her, but she has never taken care of a baby before let alone child, never really baby sat or had been interested in them. So yes this is all new to her. I cannot wait to be so exhausted, wake up to a crying baby, or to just look at her while sleeping. It just bothered me that she had said that.

At an ending note, I just want to thank all the support of my friends and family during this whole time, both grieving & this pregnancy and how many times I have been in and out of hospital. It has not been easy but due to all of the support and prayers and talking with me asking how I am, I cannot tell you how much it all means to me, especially the mommies out there from the boards & all. Means so much to me. Thank you all. I am very thankful to have made it this far, and I cannot wait to meet my little girl, whom I still need a name for, have a few picked out! Just want to be 100% certain. :)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Overwhelmed & worried...

I slept a lot today, quite tired, has alot to do with my anemia I am sure, and plus the fact I am in my 3rd trimester as well. But I took out my pregnancy and baby magazines that I had received from the doctors office and just put away and hadn't looked at them until now.

I started to read just one pamphlet on breastfeeding (because I would very much like to try and do so as long as I can) and also a pregnancy magazine. After reading both of them, panic set in. I thought, its really starting to settle in that in a few amount of weeks, everything is going to change. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited, yet it seems so surreal, will I really have a baby to take home this time?

The breastfeeding alone seems like something I may have trouble with but I do not want to give up before I even start. I want the best for my baby and they say that is the best. I read some interesting tid bids, baby feeds every 1.5 to 3 hours, that breast milk digests quickly in babys tummy and that the babys tummy is the size of his or her little fist. So needs frequent feedings. Also to not use a pacifier or bottle in the first few weeks of breastfeeding. I found that interesting as well. I see my sister is already doing that but I wonder the reasoning behind not using those is.

Also, I do not even have the nursery which is my room set up yet. But we will be getting a crib and changing table, my room is quite small but we will make it work! I kind of wish I can get the whole thing of making a nursey but my room is pretty good as it is I say. We just didnt' do anything due to me not knowing what will be my outcome. Maybe one day I can make it more girly for her, or by that time maybe I will be on my own out of my parents house?

Reading on what is needed to, I hope I get lots of that at the shower, but yet also will purchase whatever else is needed. I am panicking because I am feeling like I have forgot so many things. I realized I haven't taken an infant cpr course and that is VERY important. So I am wondering if I can get that done before I have my little girl. I also need to pick out a pediatrition and register for the hospital. Pack a bag too possibly!? Because knowing with my luck, the next time I end up back in the hospital, that could be for good. I see that baby needs an outfit to come home in, and so does mama! So many things to be checked off and done! Daycare or home daycare is needed to be looked at, and what I will be doing for work, and or school. So much to plan and I haven't done much.

I guess I just expect things to go not so good, but I have a feeling, things will go as planned this time, I *hope*. I just can't imagine what it will be like with a baby here, i try to so hard, but i can't. But I guess I will know shortly.

I am getting extremely anxious to meet my little girl and to see who she looks like. I am almost 34 weeks, still have some growing time to do! I just had to get this off my chest, because I had a moment where I wanted to break down. I feel better getting it out! I will be having my 4d done at the office on Friday that I was supposed to have last week but I couldn't due to me being in the hospital.

I am very excited for the 4D, I will be exactly 34 weeks on that day! I just pray I can continue safely to at least 37 weeks. I am just about to reach my 3rd goal that Doctor recommended of 34 weeks. I cannot believe it. Just have to keep tucking along!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Random Thoughts/Happenings

Since my hospital stay, and a bit before that, I had been getting up in the middle of the night and staying up for a few hours. I just could not and cannot sleep. I don't know if that is my body getting me ready for the sleepless nights ahead, (and I tell you I CANNOT wait!) or what.

I tend to sleep a few hours, and get up and stay up for a couple hours then go back to bed for hours on end and sleep and sleep. I am so tired during the day, but more awake at night. I do have anemia, so that could play part in it, but who knows! I also think I am getting anxious for the big day, whenever that is! I cannot believe I am 33 weeks already, and boy did it take some trucking along with lots of scares and hospital stays to get here. But that is OKAY!

I am kind of upset, because I never got to really enjoy my pregnancy, in the beginning, I was scared, upset, and just plain did not know what to do. My thoughts about parenting were all up in the air and how would I do this all on my own? Luckily, by the grace of God, I have my family, my amazing family who has never shown me otherwise. I slowly began to get excited towards mid pregnancy, yet still didn't allow much of it, because I didn't know what was ahead of me, heck I STILL don't. But I believe I am at a much farther time (5 weeks) then when I had my sweetpea Naomi.

I also did not get to plan or decorate a nursey persay. I only bought one little onesit outfit, I saw it in the store, and just had to get it. 3 months size, light blue and brown and it says "mommy's little sweetie" with 3 cupcakes on it. Made me think of my best friend and it was just too cute to pass up. I have it hanging in my closest in plain view. I have some gifts I was given/sent in a corner up in my closest and a few toys sent as well. Slowly it is growing. I just keep looking at it and thinking will I end up throwing it all away or all over my room ? I can't help but think something will go wrong, I am still not in the clear, but for the most part yes. I just know, any little thing can go wrong, but I am trying my best to think positive.

I still do not have a crib, or changing table, or rocking chair or any of that stuff. And I am kind of freaking because, heck I may have 6 more weeks to go! That is a month and a half away, and TIME FLYS! Will I really have a baby in my arms? Will I be waking up to cries in the middle of the night, music to my ears? Will I have a little baby to wake up to just to watch sleep? Will I....?

But my mom told me today, she wanted to surprise me, with a pink painted dressor so I can still have Naomi's memorial in my room. I just about cried. Her memorial means so much to me, I have her pictures, poem I wrote, my March of Dimes tshirt with her picture on it, lots of "hope" words, and preeclampsia information around it as well. I will forever keep all of that, I want her little sister to know all about her. So that touched my heart when my mom told me that. She also suggested where the crib should go and changing table. I have a small room, but it will work!

Today, I heard my mom talking to my sister, who just had her firstborn, and I don't know what happened but I just started to cry, I had to shut my bedroom door and cry. I am happy for her of course, and yes I am pregnant. But I just automatically think about Naomi, and think would should have been. How come I am empty handed with out her? How come I had to go through all of that? Why me? Why my precious little angel? And it just felt like I lost her all over again, my emotions so raw, the pain is just horrendous, I felt like throwing things! And I hadn't felt that way for a good while, after losing Naomi I surely did. I eventually calmed myself down, but I just don't understand why I have these breakdowns especially when I hear talk about the baby and my sister. I can't be doing that. I am very emotional, I can't help it. :(

My baby shower is in a week from today. I will be 34 weeks and 2 days. Amazing, huh? That is my 3rd goal from my Doctor. I pray, I make it to my shower.I just want to be able to have that big belly and be able to show it off, I never had before. Even tho I am still on bedrest, I think it is okay to go to my own shower, but stay seated the whole time. I want that experience. And heck, a baby shower helps! :) It will be a great time to be with friends and family whom I haven't seen in so long and who have continued to be there by my side through this journey--and boy have I needed it.

I thought I would have to cancel it, due to the fact I was in the hospital and not thinking I would be out, until I have her. I am very excited for my shower, I never had one with Naomi. It was in the works of being planned. My friend, is throwing me a shower, I have so many friends from high school who I haven't seen in so long but had wanted to come, and I am more than greatful for that. My mom & sisters of course will be there, and a few of my friends husbands and their little kiddies. I am kind of nervous tho, to see everyone. I can't thank all of my friends and family & mommies out there who have sent things my way already! It means the world to me! I have many thank you cards to write and I cannot wait! THANK YOU :) from the bottom of my heart.
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