Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

This Christmas, I have an angel in Heaven, who has had her 2nd Christmas up there. Her name is Naomi. I miss her with every inch of my body. I grabbed her ornamnet on the tree tonight, and just kissed it. This morning, was a little difficult. While opening gifts with the family, I felt my eyes beginning to fill up with tears. Even with the laughter, the smiles, the gift opening, EVEN WITH SADIE IN MY ARMS. I got up and took Sadie to my room and just had to sit in the rocking chair & let the tears flow.I kissed Naomi & kissed her pictures.I then heard my name, jumped up, wiped my face, and came out and began on with the festivities.

This Christmas feels alot different than last years. Last year, I did not want to partake in ANY thing. I can barely remember last Christmas. I do know I was in Philly with my sister and grandma. I remember getting a journal from my Uncle, because I specfically told him I wanted nothing. He too knows how I feel, he lost a child at 9 years old. So he knows. So I had that journal to write things out, write out my pain, write out my anger, my hurt, my sadness. I am in alot better place now than I was last year. I didn't think I would make it. I have. I actually wanted to do things this Christmas, bake, and hang with the family, it felt different, yet a little bettter, yet still sad. I will forever have that spot in my heart that aches, that spot that is for Naomi. Can never be filled.

This Christmas was very nice. We spent the morning opening gifts, I just watched everyone open theirs, with Sadie in my lap. Then everyone was wanting me to open gifts. I didn't care much for gifts. My gift, was in my lap. She was here, perfect as ever. I just look at it is I got my gift 3 months early :) (on time tho Thank God). My sister came over with my nephew and her husband and it was very lovely. Later this evening we were invited to a Christmas party at my brother in laws fathers house. I am glad I went! My mom, two sisters, and babies went. They all awwed at them, and how they are so close in age, yet saw the big difference in weight and size wise. I explained about Naomi to this one older lady and after I said she passed, she says "oh I am so sorry." then says "oh well you have her now". I am sure she didnt mean it like that, but I felt it. I just kept that replaying in my head for a few minutes. Then went on with the night. I enjoyed talking to the others and sharing Sadie, oldies marveled over her, got some smiles here and there. Made mama happy & proud.

This Christmas was bittersweet. My sweet Naomi I know is watching over her mommy and little sister. This Christmas I have my 2nd daughter, Sadie, to spend it with and my wonderful family & friends. I am truely blessed. To me, it is not about the gifts, its about being with the ones you love and enjoying the company and sharing stories and building memories. I have always been someone who was not materialistic. I could do with out a LOT. One thing I did receive, the big gift I had asked for though, was a camcorder. Santa brought mommy one this year, so I can video Sadie as she grows & catch her milestones.

This Christmas was a hit. Merry Christmas my angel Naomi. Mommy loves you so very much and misses you dearly. So does little sister Sadie. Merry Christmas to all the families, and sweet babies and children who cannot be here with us, but are forever in our hearts and minds every single day. Here is to Christmas 2010 and may these last 5-6 days of the year be filled with fun, laughter, hope, love, faith and happiness.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Has it been THAT long already?!?

Sadie is now 3 months old and 3 days! I cannot believe it. It feels like yesterday that she came home from the hospital, on her bililights (soon to become two). I remember as if it were yesterday. The other day, I had her laying on my bed and I was talking to her and I just immediately remembered when she took up "this" much space and now is taking up "this" much space. She has definitely grown alot since birth! Thats a wonderful thing, yet makes me sad. I have been told by several mommmies that time flies in the blink of an eye. Boy are they RIGHT. She has done so many new and cute things. This past week, she started making these sounds and whenever mommy would do it she would COPY me. Also, I can tell she is definitely more aware and will look around at things. FOr example, at night, she will just look & stare at the Christmas tree and the lights. Its so cute. And of course, she smiles more than ever now. I CANNOT wait to hear when she first laughs! That is just going to make me melt! Oh the things to come!

This past Monday, Sadie fell asleep from 8 to 11, I was suprirsed, IN her swing. I took her back to bed because I was ready for bed, fed her & she went back to sleep. That was a first of going to sleep alot earlier than the other nights of 11/12 o clock. Made me a happy mama!

Also, on Wednesday, we had her apt at the hopsital for a reflux test. We went into this room and there was a machine and a little gown for her to wear. I was sad and all worked up about having to have her to have this test done. I was worried it was going to hurt her. But she did well, just a little tiny tube up the bladder & a doctor came in to take pictures. Negative on the reflux. So that was good. Just will have to do more following up for her hydronorpsis (sp?) (fluid in kidneys). I like this doctor, he is very nice & explains quite well.

Later on that night, I attended a NICU party that my friend invited me to at Joe Dimaggio. Neither one of my babies were born there, but I WISH I had Naomi there. A couple months after Naomi passed, I spoke to a friend and a few others, who have had their babies there. That is a children hospital, and did have a level 3 nicu just like Plantation General did. But I just feel as if she were born there, she would have been here today. Everytime I see that hospital commercial on the tv, I get all sad and worked up. I met so many families that night. In the beginning, it was tough. EVEN THOUGH, I was holding Sadie in my arms. I saw all these families saying hi to each other (known prob from inside the NICU) and I just got teary eyed. I thought wth I cannot cry in here I just cant. They have gone through all so much but yet SO HAVE I. MY DAUGHTER DIED. She DIDNT make it. But I was able to hold it together thankfully. I spoke to a mom, who knew of my story somehow through FB, and ended up pointing out two families to me. Her daughter, which is 27 years old, had her baby girl at 30 weeks weighing 1 lb 6 oz, and I spoke right up, "preeclampsia?". Of course it was. Made me sad but her little girl is doing well, SO so pretty.

I also was told about an 11 oz baby who was born in that hospital, smallest ever in Broward County (where I live) to live and survive. Has some issues but otherwise is pretty good. I am just amazed at all the stories. But I was glad to have went and had a very nice time speaking to the families & seeing my friend.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Marvelous Monday!

I cant believe the time is already here. The holidays have came upon us just as quickly as they left last year. The holidays should be a happy and exciting time, but to be honest, I am not all smiles...Yes, my beautiful Sadie is here with mommy, and I am EVER so thankful for that, she is what I craved for after I lost Naomi. But, I just find myself having my days to where I just still cant believe she is gone. I remember how distraught i was last year this time. I can barely remember last December honestly. I just wanted it to fly on by.

The other day I was holding Sadie, letting her look at the lights on the Christmas tree that was put up and my mom had the radio on with Christmas music. On comes "Where are you Christmas" by Faith Hill. I always have loved this song and reminds me from the Grinch movie. I immeditately said out loud to my mom "awe this song is sad". And as it started playing, I just got overwhelmed and tears started streaming down my face. My mom knew. She just hugged me. I had to take Sadie into my room and just cry. I felt like as if I was stabbed, and punched 1000 times. I just really missed Naomi and yearned for her right then and there. I just hugged Sadie & told her I am sorry. I love both my girls so very much. I just felt the extremem sadness I havent felt in a while and it really got to me.

These last few weeks and days, I honestly cannot believe where they went. I swear, it feels like I just had Sadie yesterday. I remember her just SWIMMING in her newborn clothes and look now! She is already into O-3 months size! I can't believe it. Every day, I swear she gets prettier. A couple days ago, I would say around the 7th of December, Sadie started making these little almost like cooing sounds, makes a sound with her mouth just like mommy does. I will do it and she will repeat it. It is the cutest little thing. Its as if she is communicating trying to tell mommy something. I love seeing and watching all her new things and milestones that she will hit. I wake up to her each & every morning and I just look at her something thinking "is she really mine?" She will wake up and I will talk to her and she just lets out BIG baby smiles. I just love it! I get lots of comments on how she looks alot like me. I see it, and I love it. I just think how beautiful it is how two people can create such life. Yet I wish things were different on my end. But thats OKAY!

I am proud of myself. I am doing this pretty much ALL on my own, yes with financial help from my parents and I am BEYOND BEYOND thankful for. But care wise, I am taking care of Sadie 24/7. I dont catch a break. Thats okay. It's not easy, but I love being a mommy, both to her and Naomi. I am looking forward to whats to come in both of our futures!

On Saturday, I took Sadie to Meet Santa. I got to dress her up in her little santa outfit and take her on to the hospital where she was born at. There were so many kids & families with their children & babies all dressed up. I felt so happy, to take Sadie, and share this experience with her. Although she slept most of the time, she woke up a little on her own as I placed her in Santa's arms. They took 2 pictures of her and one with mommy in with Santa and Sadie. I can't wait to see how they turn out! I will be able to place a picture in her First Christmas 2010 picture frame!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful and blessed
We love all of the tasty food, please clean up your mess!

Turkey, Green bean casserole, stuffing and more
Look out now, to bne surprised by yummies galore!

I am thankful for my family,friends, my health, Sadie, my angel Naomi, & a roof over my head
And will also be thankful after this huge lovely meal for my nice and comfy bed!

As I said above, I am thankful for so many things this year. I did have a nice thanksgiving this year but it was still a bit hard & sad. I did well all day but at the end before we were about to eat, I got sad & teary eyed. I started thinking how I was last year and how still a piece of me is missing and forever will be missed. Earlier ysterday, I went jet skiing with my 2 sisters, brother in law and dad, and the 2 babies on the intercoastal at John Loyd Park. There was a beautiful bright yellow butterfly that flew in my direction for a minute and then fluttered off. I immediately smiled yet then my heart sank, I said out loud , Happy Thanksgiving Naomi, I love you. I believe the butterfly was Naomi coming around on this day to let me know she is around me everywhere I go.

On Wednesday, I took my daughter Sadie, to the hospital where Naomi was born. I had wanted to bring some clothes to the NICU that Sadie outgrew in memory of her big sister Naomi. The whole time driving there I had knots in my stomach and chest. I got there and I just started to glance around and tried to just remain calm and breathe. I started to get teary eyed waiting in the line to check in for security. The woman remembered me and I had explained why I was there. She gave me a pass and I entered the elevator. The elevator. The one that I ran to and came out of that day that I would soon learn I would lose my Naomi. We went up there to see the head NICU lady and she gave me a hug and took me to go into the nicu, not where the babies were but in the front of it before the babies. And some nurses came out to see Sadie. About 3 or 4 of them came out and all marveled around her.

I guess it all overwhelmed me & I started to cry. They simply said she is beautiful and they held her as I ran downstairs to get the big box of clothes. They were happy to have got the clothes to use for a family, especially around the holidays it would come in handy. I felt good doing it. So I did make it, I was worried about it all week but I did it. I even saw the nicu doctor that had atteneded to Naomi a few times.

I am glad I went & made it. It was a year about since I had been back and it was just hard. I thank my friends for giving me support and cheering me on for being able to go.

Sunday, November 21, 2010


So...this week, Tuesday or Wednesday I will be going to Plantation General Hospital with Sadie to take some of her outgrown clothes of hers and bring them to the NICU that Naomi was in a year and almost half ago. I thought there was no better place to where they should go, in memory of my sweetpea Naomi. As I think about it, I picture myself walking in there, I can already smell the smell of the familiar hospital, I can see in my head the secuirty desk, I can see the little room I would always wait in around 6:30 til 8pm when they had shift change and the nurses can talk about the other babies with other nurses to catch up on them. I can see the familiar vending machine inside that room where I would always get my brownie bites while I waited. I can see down the hall to where the cafe is and where I would always go and get my bagel & apple juice in the morning after seeing Naomi. I can see the elevators that would lead me to the 2nd floor where the NICU was. I can see where I walk down that hall to ring the doorbell and them buzz me in, I can see the NICU desk, I can see the water & soap station where I would scrub up before going in to see her. I can see the other door that leads to Naomi and the rest of the babies. I can see the issolettes. I can see that Naomi's is no longer occupied by her. I can see that she is no longer there or here. I know that she is gone & it still KILLS me.

When I speak of her, or that she is gone or that I lost her, sometimes it just comes out of my mouth so naturally. It shouldn't. I shouldn't have to say that I lost my daughter. I am forever known as a mommmy of an angel. My stomach is in knots as I write this. I know I am doing a very good thing to help other mommies in need of clothing for their baby girls. I want to see the nurses & head NICU lady that came to Naomi's funeral. I was told to come either those two days so mroe staff can be there so they can meet Naomi's little sister. I don't know how I will be, will I cry? Will I tear up? Or will I try and be brave, and hold it in and just explode after I leave? I don't know, but I am still going to go. I have to, I want to.

Earlier today, my grandma was looking at my shelf of Naomi's memorial and told me I need to have Sadie's picture up there too. I imediately said NO! That is Naomi's place and I will have Sadie's pictures up in another area of my room. I don't feel right putting pictures of Sadie on Naomi's area. I could, maybe one, they are sisters, but I just don't know if I feel okay with that.

Today, I was also approached by a guy standing behind me in line of starbucks. He noticed Sadie, and comments let me guess 9 weeks? I said yes, we got to talking, he ended up having a 9 week old as well. He asked if I had her at PGH (the hospital pretty much down a few block from the Starbucks). I immediately said no, Memorial Miramar I said. I explained how I lost my first born at that hospital last year and i just did not want to go back to that hospital. Or well my mom suggested I try another hospital. Just because of the memories there and all that. I still can't believe this is all happened to me sometimes. I feel like so much time has passed yet I feel like sometimes it just happened yesterday,

I remember the day I lost her. I remember a few hours after, I was outside in front of the hospital with my best friend and another friend and my mom & dad. I remember it raining and I ran down the street just running and running, I wanted to go into the street. I remember collasping down on the sidewalk in the rain just screaming and crying. I remember my mom and dad on the grass on the phone with funeral arrangements, I remember my mo masking me what I wanted, I remember yelling just you guys both do what you decide. I rememebr I just could NOT and did NOT want to do anything reguarding that. I could not think, how could I? Sometimes I wish I had had some say in it, I wish I got to put her in her outfit to wear. I didn't. My mom did all of that. I just could not. My heart seems to be racing now. I just am rehashing it all. I guess I need to. I feel sick. I miss her. I really really miss her. And to know that today, tomorrow, every day several mommmies & families will experience this painful painful loss that will forever shape the rest of their lives. It just kills me.

Am I ready to go back? Its been almsot a year since I was last there. I was there in December for a support group meeting. I can do this. I want to do this. For my Naomi & other mommies.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Two months..

I cannot believe my sweet Sadie is 2 months old already. Boy does the time just FLY by! I have seen so much of her already, her progressing, she smiles when I talk to her, she is starting to babble and make little sounds, it is just the cutest thing ever. She weighs almost 9 lbs, yes on the small end compared to other babies, but Dr said she will catch up within a year hopefully. I cannot wait until I get to experience all of life with my little girl. I can't wait to see the other milestones with her. She lights up my world. I look at her and just feel all the love, I still in a way cannot believe she is here, and that she is mine! All mine . I love her with every sole of my body, her and her big sister forever.

I cannot explain how much joy she has brought to my life. Yet I still feel empty, and I miss my dear Naomi so much. Some day I will struggle break the words to Sadie about her big sister. I will have to answer question that she has, but I will, it happened, and she forever will be remembered every day, every holiday, no time will she not go remembered.

Yesterday, I had a dentist apt, and I had explained how I was pregnant last time at another office so I only got a limited x-ray done there. So I was asked by the tech "first one?" I said, "no, I had my first born, my first daughter last year, and she passed away". "Oh, well for this little girl you have all that much more love to give to her". Ummmm, excuse me, I thought, NO. I just kept quiet, yet it hurt. Thats not how it is. I will love them each the same, more love is not generated towards one of the other. That just bothered me a bit, I should have said something but they wouldn't understand.

Then today, I met up with a friend and her baby boy Ethan for lunch. As we were leaving, one of the waitresses commented on my butterfly tattoo on my foot. Asked if it had hurt or how bad the pain was. I explained not bad compared to this dinky one on my hand (and the one on my hand is just an outline of a star). Well anyways, she said, she daughter loved dragonflies and passed away a couple years ago and she was debating wheather or not to get a dragonfly done on her foot, or wanted it over her heart. I just stopped quick in my tracks and wanted to tear up. And my friend and I both looked at each other, we both know the pain. We both lost our baby girls last year. I wanted to say something to her but I didn't. The whole way home I had cried, I thought I should go back and show her my tattoo I had done in honor & memory of Naomi. It just pains me, no child should go before their parents, its just not the way things should be. :(

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Feeling a bit down...

I don't know what exactly it is about today, but I feel down, or I could say a bit depressed. I have kept in my tears all day today, besides crying a little bit in the car earlier when we went jet skiing with the family, and since then I just have been quiet and just all in all sad.

I think alot about the "father" of Sadie/Naomi. Its just such a shame that things had to be the way they are, and that he has to be the way he is. I think often how I wish I can have him meet his daughter, and us be civil, but NO WAY would it EVER be that way. It hurts alot. Yet I knew how he was and I ventured out and got pregnant again. I couldn't help it through my grief, I was so hurt, so distraught, so lost, confused, angry, just everything. Yet now I am alone, I feel alone. I know I am not the only single mom out there, breaks my heart. Yes I have my family, who are amazing and helping me out, I cant thank enough. But I just keep thinking, HOW will I EVER get out of my home? I am 23 years old, dont even have my own car, and yet my 15 year old sister is on a better path than I am.

I want Naomi & Sadie to be proud of their mama. I feel like I haven't done squat with my life. I need to go back to school, I need a job, I want to get a job, to be social again, and heck, to support my beautiful little girl. I just don't know how I can do it all. I know it gets done all the time. I just am SO lost, how do I start, WHERE do I start? HOW do I get back on my own two feet and someday venture out on my own with my daughter?

I am scared, very scared about it, being on my own, but heck, Ive done it before pretty much, even tho being married, I was pretty much independent on my own. So I CAN do it, I just don't know when or how it will be done. I have SO much to learn, to cook, thats a huge thing I want to learn before I go on my own, and so many other things. I feel like I don't have control of things. I want my life to go in a positive direction for once. I want to be able to say I am doing alot with my self I want to be proud of myself. I don't have much positive right now to say about myself and that makes me sad, hurt.

Today, I ate a meal and I just gobbled it down. I then had 2 pieces of bread with some spread on it, and 2 icecream pops, and a cookie I made. I feel like I BINGED. I felt like I was stuffing down my feelings with food. And, to those may not know, I had dealt with eating disorders at 14-21. I went through bits of anorexia, bulimia, and binging disroder. For a good year and a half I binged and binged, I balloned up to 155 lbs, at my small 5'1 frame. That was the biggest I had ever gotten. I NEVER thought it would come to an end, but it has and I am SO thankful I am done with all that. But today, I just don't know I feel sad. I feel depressed. I've got to do something about it. I just feel like I want things to be perfect, I want to be perfect, I want to do everything right for Sadie, I want to do everything on my list, I want to do everything, its impossible tho to do everything. I always make lists and I never get what I am supposed to do done. I am VERY limited in money, and I worry about it yet my parents do help me, but I am 23 for goodness sakes, and they have my brother & sister to take care of. I get worried, how will I ever build myself out of this mess?

I am also missing Naomi, as always. I watched her video the other day with Sadie in my arms. I just cried silently as it began. That was the 2nd time I watched it. Very hard, yet I still cannot believe she is gone. I heard myself talking to her, and the beeps, just so surreal sometimes still. I miss her. I always will.

I want to record and not miss any of Sadie's accomplishments and happenings. I take pictures of her daily, and I feel like I can't get enough of her! She makes me the happiest little mama. I want to get a book and start making her photos and make a beautiful book for her to keep as well. But again, the money. I want to get photo frames and have her pictures around my room as I have Naomi's on her little desk. I want to have matching things, but I don't, I got what I have and I am thankful for. I look at the other mommies, with thier husbands and everything seems to well managed, and I get upset, I dont have that nor will I? I hope to someday, meet a guy who will accept Sadie and I in his life. But first, I have got to get me situated, my schooling, my work, and of course make sure Sadie has all the love & things she needs. Its not easy, but I know it can be done. I just have to have <3 HOPE <3...

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Lots of thoughts, do they ever stop??

I have been doing a whole lot of thinking, especially since I have been home with my Sadie. Today, she is 6 weeks old. I cannot believe it. My time does really fly by. Soon, I will have to go and find work and someday go back to school. Scares the hell out of me, but I have to and I want to. I can't have Sadie when she is older look down upon me. I want to be a good example for her and I need to provide for her and working in a little store won't cut it. Besides, one day, I would love to meet a wonderful guy who accepts me and Sadie and I want to be able to say I made something of myself. I also hope that she understands why I did what I did and why "daddy" is not around. Nor would I ever call him that.

I think about the day I will have to leave her, I get upset because I just don't want to miss anything of her life but many mommies and daddies do it, its life. But I do see that when I return, it will make all our moments just as special and wanted.

Being I am living at home, I think, how am I going to get my own car, my own apartment, and be able to provide for her, diapers and wipes and toys and well I am pretty much set on her clothes but all of those nesscities for her. Then comes things for mommy like car payments (which I have never done, I am lucky I have so much help from my parents, but I want to be able to live and do it on my own, heck I am 23 for goodness sakes!) cell phone payments, rent, clothes, food, accessories for mommy too. I know there is alot to live and I want to be able to do it all, yet single parenting I KNOW is not easy. I am already feeling it. Yes living at home I have help but I do it all on my own pretty much. My mom offered several times to take her for a feeding or two at night in the beginning but I said no I got it. Yes I was extremely tired but thats what I craved for. After losing Naomi, I would have done anything to do what I am doing now. Thats what a mommmy does. And I am pretty darn proud of myself, I take such good care of my little girl.

Someday I just would like to be able to move out on my own with Sadie and have accomplished something too! I have a lot to do and work on but I am willing to do it for her and my sweetpea Naomi. She's rooting on her mama up there! I just do not know where to start, and I know it all does not come at once. I need to learn to cook too! I made a pact to myself i will give my little girl healthy food. I am not a junk eater nor do I care for fast food, and I want to have Sadie learn the importance of health, I just all in all want to be a great mother, simply like my mom. My mom and dad have done a wonderful job, and yet with all of this, I definitely see that parenting is the hardest yet most rewarding job in the world to have.

I love being a mommy both to my Naomi & Sadie. It is a lot of work but I would not change it for the world.

I also want to be organized! I want to have a picture album started for her, have all her pictures organized and loaded so I can and family and friends can see them. I want to have an album just for her halloween costumes and then a holiday one and all those fun in between things! I just have to figure out how to manage my time and all, something I am still learning, still need to try and get a little schedule too! Things are alot easier when there is a schedule involved I think! :)

I just had alot on my mind and I had to get it out, have a huge list of things to do, but have put it off for so long, if I can only do a few things each day I can get it all done!

Thought in a text...

The other night, I get a text from one of my good friends whom I met last year in the hospital after having Naomi. He texted me asking how Sadie was doing. I talk to him every now and then but not often. I paused for a minute and all these flashbacks came to me especially the ending of when I lost Naomi. I had been talking to him shortly in the hospital after I had told myself I was done with "the father of Naomi". He knew what was going on and even had known a lot and had police friends so had given me some advice while visiting Naomi. What came to mind was how that night I got the call and was in the NICU with my mom I started to text him and tell him Naomi wasnt going to make it. He was texting with me to relax and that she would be okay but I kept telling him no she wasn't going to be. He said he would come to see me after school or and when he would come to see his brother.

(His brother had a horrible thing happen to him around time I had Naomi and thats how I met him). But as it happened, I told him I lost her. And he surprised me and came up and was with my mom and I for a little bit and then went to be with his family. I remember him coming a few days before while Naomi was very sick and I took him up to meet her. She hadn't been opening her eyes and he tapped on her isolette and talked to her and he got her to open her eyes. I remember how I was "bummed" but in a happy way that he got her to and I couldn't. I kinda laughed it off, telling Naomi one day she will meet mommys good friend. Yet at that time I did start to like him.

I just cant believe its been all this time 17 months since I have lost my sweet baby girl. I did alot of crying yesterday, being she would be 18 months old. I hold Sadie alot and look at her and think would Naomi look like this, and the day when I have to tell Sadie she has a sister, but isnt physically here with us. Its going to be very difficult but something I have to do. I remember so much back then, especially after the fact I lost her, I was just overwhelmed with blur of things, I remember going to the ocean alot and I would see people and "hear them" but I wouldn't. It was all just there. I remember being rude to people, and I am NOT a rude person at all. I simply just miss her so much.

Monday, October 25, 2010

My, how time is just flying on by...

It has been a while before I have gotten a chance to update! I am such a busy & sleep deprived mommy but I absolutely love it and would not change anything for the world! Busy doing baby laundary, mama laundary, and between feedings and diaper changes and baths, and all that fun stuff, keeps me on my toes! Just wait until my little Sadie starts to crawl, now I think I am busy? Wait until then! I am oh so anxious for all of the "firsts" to start but then I get sad and think I won't ever get to see Naomi have this. But I know she is watching over and keeping a good eye on mama & her little sister.

A week or so ago, I had 2 incidents where Sadie stopped breathing while feeding and I had to swiftly pat her on the back a couple times to get her to breathe again, but it scared the CRAP out of me which had me shaken and in tears. How could I not? I did not like seeing her like that and I kept saying oh God please dont take this one away from me. I suffered enough already. So I made an appoinment for her pediatritions office because some of my friends thought maybe apnea or reflux. The on call dr there said to be on safe side to take her to the hospital for 24 hr admissions. Might I had, Sadie did NOT turn blue, but both times looked pale & once her eyes rolled back which freaked me out thought this is not good. So I took her to the hospital what a sad & scary time that was.

She had to get her vitals done, did not like the blood pressure cuff thingy, I had never seen such a tiny little cuff before! Then she had to get blood and urine done. They had to tie her little arm up just as they would a normal size patient and she screamed & cried, 2 nurses were in there helping and asked if I was okay, I had tears in my eyes and I started to cry I said no and they said I can step out while they do it. I did and cried more, but kept peaking in on her I HATED hearing her scream & cry and be in pain but it had to be done, I then came in when almost done and comforted her. They had her on with a gown that she was practically swimming in.

She did well tho, those whole 24 hrs they didn't see anything wrong on her tests or breathing or anything so could not say if it was apnea or reflux. We are now home and I have witnesses a little bit of spitups and well a few almost type gagging looks where she will open her mouth as if something is going to come up but doesnt. I got a voicemail this morning from her dr checking on her and wanted us to make an appointment this week to see her to check on weight gain and feedings so we will be going tomorrow morning at 8 am. I have a few questions on a few things so hopefully can get them answered.

Yesterday, I carved Sadie's first pumpkin. I was going to put both Sadie & Naomi's name on them but it didn't fit so I will be going back this week to get Naomi her very own. So far, things have been going well, I just cannot believe she is almost 6 weeks already. Time is going so fast! Sadie smiles so much now it is so cute and melts my heart. I like to think that it is Naomi whispering to her or talking to her that makes her smile.

I am anxious on whats to come & especially Christmas time, I will love to take her out on stroller rides to look at the lights and to sit on Santa's lap. But I do also think, in a few more months, I will have to start looking into working and schooling, which scares the hell out of me. I love being home with her but yet I know I have to support her, can't stay here forever. I just dont know exactly what I am going to do but I know in time it will all fall into place. I just am scared about where I will put her and I just dont want to miss anything in my little girls life! I love her & her big sister to pieces!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Baby Happenings :)

It has been wonderful being at home with a baby in my arms, to look at , to hold, to cherish every moment with her. I am so thankful to have made it, I did everything I believe in my power to bring home this baby. Yet, I feel guilty, guilty that my body still failed me, yes at a later stage, but why!? I don't get it. I am angered by it. What can a mom do to have a normal pregnancy? Nothing apparently. I for one, will never get that experience. If I *EVER* go on to have another one, it will be the same thing over again, all the worry and panic. But for now, and even forever, I would be happy and content with one little girlie here, and my sweetpea in Heaven, that I miss terribly.

I look alot at Sadie and ask myself is this what Naomi would look like at this age? Will Sadie grow up looking like Naomi would look like? I know I can't always think like that and have to look at Sadie as Sadie, but it is difficult. I have to work on that because it wouldn't be fair to her.

I though am kind of sad. I feel alone sometimes. That I don't have that perfect family, or "father" to share the joy of her being here. I refused to tell him she was here, but eventually did, but told him otherwise. I am really hoping that he will not come around and or serve me with court papers to fight for her, but I am READY, ready with every fiber in my body to fight for her custody and none visitation. I am going to do whatever it takes to protect my beautiful daughter. Would have done the same with Naomi. I think alot of all the pregnant moms who have happy husbands or boyfriends and me I feel alone. Yet I know I have so much support from friends and family but in the end, I am a single mother. I have to take my consequences. That is okay. I hope to one day, down the road, find someone who will accept me for me and my daughter, and maybe just maybe have another down the road. But who knows what in the future. I just hope to be a wonderful mom like my mom has been to me & teach this little girl all that I know. I want to make her proud.

Mama has to get things figured out soon, on schooling and work for the future. I want my daughters to be proud of me and so far I don't feel like I am of much worth. I want to succeed in life so I can have the same for my daughters. I don't want them looking at mommy as a failure. I just have been doing alot of thinking and I hope I can one day go back to school and do things right!

**My Beautiful sweet Naomi, how I miss you so much, I know you are continuing to watch over mommy & baby Sadie. I just wish there was a way I can see you one more time and hold you tight & never let you go**

Friday, September 24, 2010

Surprise or expected?? Somebody's Birthday arrived!!!!!

Where do I even start? A lot has been going on and has happened since I last was able to post! I have wanted to blog for so long about all of this but just could not get the time until finally now!

I was admitted in to hospital on Friday the 10th of September because of my high blood pressure in the office & my headache that would not go away without tylenol. I thought this time, I am NOT letting them release me no matter what. I will fight them until they listen to me. I was being watched, constant 24 hr monitoring of baby & bp checks every hour, and blood tests quite often. I was becoming a pin cushion but I was already used to it! I was a bit swollen in my face and my feet and arms a bit but thought oh thats because I am on the IV fluids. But apparently not. I was put on iron also, because of my very low iron level and being anemic. I had had headaches here and there in hospital but nothing too bad. My uric acid level was going up slightly and my platelets were a bit low but not too concerning. My doctor had told me lets get to 34 weeks.

A couple days after, I had friends visit and while they were visiting, I had felt awful! As if I had to jump out of my skin, I could not sit still, felt very uncomfortable and just wanted to like die. It was so weird I had never experienced something like that. I felt bad because they were visiting and I could barely pay attention. I didn't think too much of it not reporting to my nurse. I thought maybe it was some weird side effect of one of the meds I was on. Around 2 am that morning, I had to page my nurse. I was having contractions! I thought what the heck is going on? They were painful suckers! I would rate them about a 7 out of 10 in pain. I was shocked, I thought okay I will be given IV fluids and they will stop. WRONG. They were happening boom boom boom like ever 4 to 6 minutes then dropped to 1 to 2 minutes. I was freaking out. The nurse told me to breathe through them I thought omg I am going into labor. The contractions ended up going on for 12 straight hours. The dr and nurses checked me but my cervix never changed just was soft. So I ended up not going into labor but was contracting. Scary!!

The next day or so I had a headache through the night that wasn't going away even with tylenol. My doctor was notified and he almost came in that night to deliver me. The headache was still there in the morning. My reflexes were checked the day before this and they were quite brisk, I had never seen that before with me. So I thought things were definitely progressing with my preeclampsia. So my nurse came on in the morning of September 16, and had told me "I hear they have been talking delivering you". I said What!! And sure enough 2 minutes or so later the change of shift nurse comes in and says she spoke with my dr and that today was the day!!!!! I was so scared, nervous, and excited all at the same time. I knew things were progressing down hill quickly and he knew before that we could only buy another few days and he didnt want to risk anything.

So I was told around 10 I would be going into surgery. I had been texting with a pree mommy that morning anyways and I immediately texted her, she was the first person to find out what TODAY WAS THE DAY! Not even my best friend or mom did I tell but this sweet sweet mommy who I have become close with from afar. I thought omg I am still not 100% on a name, I didn't get to have my baby shower, nothing is ready! But I was lucky to have a few friends and my mom come by on that Sunday my date of my shower and bring LOADS of gifts, clothes and nicknacks, that surely brightend up my day!

So, well I was being prepared and told what was going to happen. Things were all flooding back to my memory of when I had sweetpea Naomi. I called my mom and she was working on the 4th floor, I thought its great she was there and was able to get off, her mananger was able to cover for her until 5 pm that day. So the nurse gives my mom scrubs and she changed and I was just watching everything unfold in front of me. Excited but SCARED!

I was wheeled in and things were started and sure enough my mom is there ready to begin. I kept having the shakes very badly I could not shaking in my arms, probably with the coldness and the spinal I had. I was ready to go about 10:30, and exactly at 11:00 am, my beautiful daughter was born, IT'S A GIRL they said. And I began to hear baby cries, music to my ears. With Naomi, I only heard a "cat's meow" and she was whisked away. They showed me my daughter for a minute and then cleaned her up and wrapped her in a blanket and placed her on my chest for a minute and I got to kiss her little cheek, something I did not have with Naomi. Bittersweet. I could not believe it. She was here. Still the "no name baby" at that point!

I was then wheeled into recovery and things were going well. Baby was sent to NICU and I thought I so did not want to have a NICU experience again but I thought oh I know I will be okay, I was at 34 weeks & 6 days when delivering her. I knew she would be okay, with the steriods on board. She weighed 4 lbs 15 oz! Special note that I had caught, Naomi was born at 9:16 am, and her little sister was born on 9/16. I was hoping and looking for some kind of sign like that! And sure enough I got it. Extra special.

So the next day when I had called to check on my little girl, they didn't give me any updates but had said the neonatologist was sending her to my room!!! I was shocked! Baby was breathing and eating on her own and doing well enough to be with mommy! And just so happened that my mom and dad and grandma were coming to see me and baby and they got to witness baby being brought to my room and mommmy holding her for the first time. She was brought in and I just started to cry and oh I was full of emotions, still am! I thought, okay, I was set on Gracie Faith for a while for her name. But when I saw her I thought she does NOT look like a Gracie. I had only til 2 that afternoon for a name. My dad suggested "Sadie". At first I thought um no, thats an ugly name. But then as I was looking at her when she was being held, I kept saying the name in my head and thought OMG it fits her, she looks like a Sadie!

So, after a bit of thinking, I thought, Sadie Marie will be her name (he suggested middle name as well, which is mine too). I absolutely adore her name the more I say it and see it. The first night I was alone with her in my hospital room, I held her and I just cried & cried. I see SO much of Naomi in her, but not so much a good picture, I see Naomi's memorial look to her when Sadie is sleeping.

I had quite a few friends to come by and visit and see my sweet Sadie and bring gifts so very sweet. I cannot thank my friends & family enough for all that they have done and help support me. My mom had been scrambling to get a crib and changing table and my room done before baby Sadie and I come home! I was so lucky to have had so many gifts brought and clothes from friends, because I was not prepared. I was still scared of buying anything even up until 34 weeks. But she is here! Naomi's sister is here. I was able to be released 4 days later, dr being cautious with my pre e that was considered severe because of my headache my dr said. I was just so surprised and excited that my baby was coming home with me. Being wheeled out of the hospital with the baby in my arms, everyone looking at her, just brought me so much joy yet emotional pain.

It has been a week since I have had my little girlie. When I got home into my room, I saw my memorial of Naomi that my mom had changed, she painted a beautiful pink dresser and painted butterflies on them and when I walked in to see it holding Sadie, I just started to cry & cry. It was beautiful but so so very emotional. I have cried alot since I have been home, missing Naomi but very happy with her little sister. Just hurt because I will never get to see Naomi grow up, or walk or crawl or say mommy. But I do know she has continued to watch over baby Sadie & mommy and has led us to get this far. God Bless my sweet Naomi. Miss you & love you so much.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Surprise, Surprise!

Sunday, September 12, was supposed to be my baby shower. The shower I had never been able to have with Naomi. I was looking forward to this yet I was full of emotions. I thought please let me be released so I can make my shower, yet I thought and know my health and babies health are so much more important than a baby shower that can take place after she is born & home with me. And I would have felt beyond horrible if I had went and something happened, afterall, I am still supposed to be on bedrest.

So anyways, my friend Kalie, (one who was throwing shower for me) came and visited me that day and brought some of the shower gifts I was meant to have because she knew I was upset and down about having to be in the hospital and missing my special day. My mom had been visiting as well and was able to see me open the gifs. She had got me the cutest little outfits, and nicknacks for a baby, pacifiers, teething rings, bottles, you name it! Said she also has alot more at home she could not bring. I was shocked. Then a little bit after, I got surprise visitors, friends I had not seen in awhile bringing in HUGE gifts. I just was so shocked and so very thankful for the friends I have. They would continue to tell me this baby girl wont go without anything. Made me very very happy. I just got so many adorable outfits, and boy did they think to also get bigger sizes in clothing! I also got tons of diapers & other baby nicknacks and even a yummy cake! I was just so happy, that definitely made my day for not having my shower! I was happy my mother was there to see me open the gifts.

Well, yesterday, my nurse came in near the end of shift and had said "Well I hear you are staying with us." I said "really? Like remainder of pregnancy?" She said yes, doctors don't want to take chances. I told her I said good because I wasnt going to let them release me this time. I wasn't goin anywhere. I was on bedrest at home, yes being from the bed or to the couch I was doing, but I also had to get up to make my own meals and of course living at home with my family theres alwayss something going n and my bp was just quite high. Being here in the hospital it is alot less stimulating and makes me calm. So that made me happy, I am hoping for at least another 2 weeks. I thought, wouldn't it be bitter sweet if I had Naomi's little sister on the 27th of this month? That would make me 36 weeks and 3 days. Yes my due date isnt until Oct 22nd, but I would so take that! So here is to a few more weeks!

I honestly cannot picture me having my little girlie in my arms and actually taking her home. The day I have her, is going to be FULL of emotions. I am going to be a mess, both happy, sad, excited, scared all rolled into one. Even thining about it now I am tearing up. I just know I will think about Naomi when being operated on and when I hear her little cry, boy, these doctors are going to think I am nuts. Its just going to be bittersweet. I am hoping to be able to wear my necklace with Naomi but I dont think I will be able to. I am hoping at least it can be near the table or I will let my mom hold on to it. I just cant believe how close I am and how delivery is pretty much right around the corner. Boy with these hospital stays, time flew by quick!

I am actually still stuck on a name!! For so long I had thought of Gracie Faith. I was driving one day months ago and saw this sign that said "Gracie Jit Jiu" or something like that. I repeated Gracie in my head and it really clickd with me. Then I thought Faith because Hope, it just went well with Naomi's name. Well my sisters had commented on it saying Gracie is pretty but that it sort of is country and or that Graceie & Faith is too much. So that kind of got me thinking, yet I know it is my own choice. Other names I have that I really do like are: Delaneey Grace, Aubrey, Rylie Paige, and I really do like alot Willow. I am into unique names. I joke and I tell my friends I am going to put them all in a bowl and just draw one, I cant choose! Maybe when I see her I will know? I am mad because I was so set on her little name. I still feel like she is "Gracie". We shall see.

Yesterday morning, I was watching a baby show and I thought let me stick with it so I can see if its a boy or girl and maybe here a name for an idea. And sure enough, they say "baby Naomi was born". My mouth dropped. Lately I had been having a lot of signs having Naomi around. I then started to tear up and had to change the channel. Another happening, I was in bed of course and my nurse commented on my necklace. She says "how many pictures does that hold" or something very similar to that. I paused for a few seconds and I then said "my daughter was cremated and she is with me here". She then started to sort of get off subject I guess she didn't know what to say but then I had said yes, alot of people assume I am wearing a locket. It does look like one. After she had left the room, I immediately got up and went into the bathroom and just started bawling my eyes out. I thought why me? Why? I WISH that my necklace was a locket with my sweet Naomi's picture in it. But its not. I carry her ashes with me. I have not taken this necklace off but maybe once or twice to clean the hair that gets stuck in it. I feel naked without it and I just evenI like shutter when it is off me. I am very thankful my sweet neighbor got it for me. Then, on one more note! I was watching tv a morning show & they have a segment on, and "Home" by Chris Daughtry starts playing. I thought oh my gosh, Naomi what are you doing to your mommy? That was the song that was playing in the OR when she was born.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Random thoughts & Update on Pregnancy

Since I had been home from the hospital, I had been having high bp readings. About only 4 of them out of the 25 times I took it over course of a few days were normal. Of course, I started to get worried. Bedrest at home is alot different than at hospital. Yes I was in bed or on the couch for the most part, but I had to get up to shower and make my food and use the restroom. So at 2 in the morning of my doctors apt on Friday, I had the worst headache I had ever had, it was pounding. My bp was quite high then and I decided to take tylenol, no luck with that. This headache lasted for HOURS and HOURS. I got ready for my appointment and drove myself there. I took my blood pressure machine with me to see how close it was to the office one. While sitting at a light, I took my bp. It was 143/102, with my head just pounding. I started to then speed to get my apt. I arrived & explained I was not feeling well and hopefully I could be seen quickly and also because I had another apt at 10:15 with my regular ob to get the 4d ultrasound done as well as just having regular checkup. I was excited I would finally get to see her because I missed last apt due to me being in hospital.

Well I get in the office and my bp was taken, 145/85. It was high but not as high as before. I explained to the doctor about my horrible headache and we took a look at the baby to look at everything and also follow up on the fluid in her kidneys. It is still there unfornately, but not something to where he is so concerned about, the level is not too too bad. My baby girl weighs 4lb 14 oz. That just blue my mind and made me happy, even tho I was not feeling well at all. Doctor came back in and told me he was going to admit me for preeclampsia. I told him I was already diagnosed by my OB with mild preeclampsia at 25 weeks, but he had said I didn't have it then due to me not having the bps, just protein. But I knew I did as it was.

So then, I proceded with the admission forms and took myself up to L&D floor. I started to panic because with Naomi, I was admitted on a Friday, by a mfm as well, and ended up delivering her on a Monday. Today is already Sunday, but I know I am not as sick as I was before, THANK GOD, and I am alot further along. Yes I do have more symptoms than I had when I was here last time, about a week ago. I am swollen pretty much all over, I notice my face, eyes, feet, and hips. I also awoke last night with nausea and I have had a lot of "heartburn". Worries me because I read on a mommy's blog how she always thought she had horrible "heartburn attacks" but come to find out it was URQ pain from HELLP. Still have some headaches, but the nausea is new, so I will be letting my doctor know about that today. 24 hr results should be in sometime today as well. Bloodwork is fine one thing was a little off, I still have to ask about that, bps have been okay.

So I am 34 weeks and 2 days, and this tiem I refuse to let them release me. I am so close, and I know I am nearing delivery, and I am okay with that. Because I know sometiems baby is better off outside of mommy than in but so far she is doing great, its just mommy that isnt feeling so hot!I just get mad and upset alot because of this horrible thing called PREECLAMPSIA that has robbed me and so many other mommies of our babies and our health and a "normal pregnancy". I will never have that. Never. And here, I absolutely LOVE children and babies, since the age of 10, I just have had that natural love and attention for children. I have had to walk on my tippy toes and pins and needs day by day week by week throughout this whole pregnancy. I had not been able to enjoy much, just a big huge worry wary for every little ache and pain. My friends & family just do not understand, they can try to but they just cant. It hurts alot, I cry alot, I miss Naomi alot, I jsut wish things were different. I have been robbed of just the all excitement about pregnancy (I am as scared as ever, had been each hospital visit as gotten me weeks on closer), my baby shower was supposed to be TODAY. I am so bummed about it. I never got one with Naomi. It was in the works.

My friend had this one scheduled and planned for a while now, and everyone was set to come. But due to this again, I had to cancel and reschedule for a welcome home baby shower. But I don't want everyone around my little girl, I just do not feel comfortable with that, so I can maybe make it to closer friends and family? I am not sure. But I want my shower. I want thate xperience, I wanted to be able to be happy and have my big belly and dress up and see all my friends, but I know my health and babies are very important. It just hurts. I am getting robbed, again.

The other day, I spoke to my sister, and asked how she was doing and baby. I had told her she sounded quite tired. She told me she doesn't know how I am going to do it. Which upset me, quite alot, but I did not say anything. Yes she is married, yes she has her husband to help. Yes I am going to be a single parent, for the time being and living at home. But does she not remember who I am? I have cared for SO many babies and toddlers and children. I pretty much know what to expect. I was a nanny for a 3 month old baby boy and eventually his little sister at 2 monnths as well. I took care of them for 10 hours a day, yes parenting is 24 hours, but I have had so much experience and I have a natural take to children and babies. I know it is alot of work, and I cannot wait. God Bless mt sister, I love her, but she has never taken care of a baby before let alone child, never really baby sat or had been interested in them. So yes this is all new to her. I cannot wait to be so exhausted, wake up to a crying baby, or to just look at her while sleeping. It just bothered me that she had said that.

At an ending note, I just want to thank all the support of my friends and family during this whole time, both grieving & this pregnancy and how many times I have been in and out of hospital. It has not been easy but due to all of the support and prayers and talking with me asking how I am, I cannot tell you how much it all means to me, especially the mommies out there from the boards & all. Means so much to me. Thank you all. I am very thankful to have made it this far, and I cannot wait to meet my little girl, whom I still need a name for, have a few picked out! Just want to be 100% certain. :)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Overwhelmed & worried...

I slept a lot today, quite tired, has alot to do with my anemia I am sure, and plus the fact I am in my 3rd trimester as well. But I took out my pregnancy and baby magazines that I had received from the doctors office and just put away and hadn't looked at them until now.

I started to read just one pamphlet on breastfeeding (because I would very much like to try and do so as long as I can) and also a pregnancy magazine. After reading both of them, panic set in. I thought, its really starting to settle in that in a few amount of weeks, everything is going to change. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited, yet it seems so surreal, will I really have a baby to take home this time?

The breastfeeding alone seems like something I may have trouble with but I do not want to give up before I even start. I want the best for my baby and they say that is the best. I read some interesting tid bids, baby feeds every 1.5 to 3 hours, that breast milk digests quickly in babys tummy and that the babys tummy is the size of his or her little fist. So needs frequent feedings. Also to not use a pacifier or bottle in the first few weeks of breastfeeding. I found that interesting as well. I see my sister is already doing that but I wonder the reasoning behind not using those is.

Also, I do not even have the nursery which is my room set up yet. But we will be getting a crib and changing table, my room is quite small but we will make it work! I kind of wish I can get the whole thing of making a nursey but my room is pretty good as it is I say. We just didnt' do anything due to me not knowing what will be my outcome. Maybe one day I can make it more girly for her, or by that time maybe I will be on my own out of my parents house?

Reading on what is needed to, I hope I get lots of that at the shower, but yet also will purchase whatever else is needed. I am panicking because I am feeling like I have forgot so many things. I realized I haven't taken an infant cpr course and that is VERY important. So I am wondering if I can get that done before I have my little girl. I also need to pick out a pediatrition and register for the hospital. Pack a bag too possibly!? Because knowing with my luck, the next time I end up back in the hospital, that could be for good. I see that baby needs an outfit to come home in, and so does mama! So many things to be checked off and done! Daycare or home daycare is needed to be looked at, and what I will be doing for work, and or school. So much to plan and I haven't done much.

I guess I just expect things to go not so good, but I have a feeling, things will go as planned this time, I *hope*. I just can't imagine what it will be like with a baby here, i try to so hard, but i can't. But I guess I will know shortly.

I am getting extremely anxious to meet my little girl and to see who she looks like. I am almost 34 weeks, still have some growing time to do! I just had to get this off my chest, because I had a moment where I wanted to break down. I feel better getting it out! I will be having my 4d done at the office on Friday that I was supposed to have last week but I couldn't due to me being in the hospital.

I am very excited for the 4D, I will be exactly 34 weeks on that day! I just pray I can continue safely to at least 37 weeks. I am just about to reach my 3rd goal that Doctor recommended of 34 weeks. I cannot believe it. Just have to keep tucking along!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Random Thoughts/Happenings

Since my hospital stay, and a bit before that, I had been getting up in the middle of the night and staying up for a few hours. I just could not and cannot sleep. I don't know if that is my body getting me ready for the sleepless nights ahead, (and I tell you I CANNOT wait!) or what.

I tend to sleep a few hours, and get up and stay up for a couple hours then go back to bed for hours on end and sleep and sleep. I am so tired during the day, but more awake at night. I do have anemia, so that could play part in it, but who knows! I also think I am getting anxious for the big day, whenever that is! I cannot believe I am 33 weeks already, and boy did it take some trucking along with lots of scares and hospital stays to get here. But that is OKAY!

I am kind of upset, because I never got to really enjoy my pregnancy, in the beginning, I was scared, upset, and just plain did not know what to do. My thoughts about parenting were all up in the air and how would I do this all on my own? Luckily, by the grace of God, I have my family, my amazing family who has never shown me otherwise. I slowly began to get excited towards mid pregnancy, yet still didn't allow much of it, because I didn't know what was ahead of me, heck I STILL don't. But I believe I am at a much farther time (5 weeks) then when I had my sweetpea Naomi.

I also did not get to plan or decorate a nursey persay. I only bought one little onesit outfit, I saw it in the store, and just had to get it. 3 months size, light blue and brown and it says "mommy's little sweetie" with 3 cupcakes on it. Made me think of my best friend and it was just too cute to pass up. I have it hanging in my closest in plain view. I have some gifts I was given/sent in a corner up in my closest and a few toys sent as well. Slowly it is growing. I just keep looking at it and thinking will I end up throwing it all away or all over my room ? I can't help but think something will go wrong, I am still not in the clear, but for the most part yes. I just know, any little thing can go wrong, but I am trying my best to think positive.

I still do not have a crib, or changing table, or rocking chair or any of that stuff. And I am kind of freaking because, heck I may have 6 more weeks to go! That is a month and a half away, and TIME FLYS! Will I really have a baby in my arms? Will I be waking up to cries in the middle of the night, music to my ears? Will I have a little baby to wake up to just to watch sleep? Will I....?

But my mom told me today, she wanted to surprise me, with a pink painted dressor so I can still have Naomi's memorial in my room. I just about cried. Her memorial means so much to me, I have her pictures, poem I wrote, my March of Dimes tshirt with her picture on it, lots of "hope" words, and preeclampsia information around it as well. I will forever keep all of that, I want her little sister to know all about her. So that touched my heart when my mom told me that. She also suggested where the crib should go and changing table. I have a small room, but it will work!

Today, I heard my mom talking to my sister, who just had her firstborn, and I don't know what happened but I just started to cry, I had to shut my bedroom door and cry. I am happy for her of course, and yes I am pregnant. But I just automatically think about Naomi, and think would should have been. How come I am empty handed with out her? How come I had to go through all of that? Why me? Why my precious little angel? And it just felt like I lost her all over again, my emotions so raw, the pain is just horrendous, I felt like throwing things! And I hadn't felt that way for a good while, after losing Naomi I surely did. I eventually calmed myself down, but I just don't understand why I have these breakdowns especially when I hear talk about the baby and my sister. I can't be doing that. I am very emotional, I can't help it. :(

My baby shower is in a week from today. I will be 34 weeks and 2 days. Amazing, huh? That is my 3rd goal from my Doctor. I pray, I make it to my shower.I just want to be able to have that big belly and be able to show it off, I never had before. Even tho I am still on bedrest, I think it is okay to go to my own shower, but stay seated the whole time. I want that experience. And heck, a baby shower helps! :) It will be a great time to be with friends and family whom I haven't seen in so long and who have continued to be there by my side through this journey--and boy have I needed it.

I thought I would have to cancel it, due to the fact I was in the hospital and not thinking I would be out, until I have her. I am very excited for my shower, I never had one with Naomi. It was in the works of being planned. My friend, is throwing me a shower, I have so many friends from high school who I haven't seen in so long but had wanted to come, and I am more than greatful for that. My mom & sisters of course will be there, and a few of my friends husbands and their little kiddies. I am kind of nervous tho, to see everyone. I can't thank all of my friends and family & mommies out there who have sent things my way already! It means the world to me! I have many thank you cards to write and I cannot wait! THANK YOU :) from the bottom of my heart.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Bunch of Updates & a Blessing!

Where to start? I got a call yesterday morning saying that my sister would be coming to the hospital where I am at and was in labor. I thought, wow finally it is happening. Around 8pm last night, my mom sent updates via text, saying shes at a ten, ready to go, yet low & behold, wasnt officially born until 11:13pm, August 30. Weighing in at 8 lbs 2 oz. I knew I would be emotional, but didn't know to what extent. My best friend was with me since 4pm yesterday and had stayed til about 12am. Which I am SO very thankful for her in my life!

About 1am, after my sister got cleaned up and everything was settled, I got wheeled in to see her and my family. As I saw the baby & my sister, I just lost it, I started bawling my eyes out. I was happy for her, yet I was broken as well. The emotions of having and losing Naomi and that being her first child, and me losing my first, just was all so much. My mom came to comfort me and I soon was okay. She placed him in my arms, and he just looked at me with his little eyes, so precious. After leaving the room, I came back to my room, still very emotional and just had to cry and cry. Just brought me so emotional because I missed Naomi so much, the pain came back like it was yesterday.

But as today came around, I have been better, yet still I can't help to just remember Naomi and ask WHY. Why did I have to go through all of that? Why can't I have her in my arms with me?

It is just on the eve, September 1, it will be 15 months since Naomi passed away. I can't believe it. Today my mom called me after leaving hospital visiting my sister and I as well, she called to tell me that Naomi sent me a rainbow, a double rainbow. Made me smile yet, hurt inside. I love you my precious Naomi and I thank you so much for watching over your mommmy and little sister to be.

Next goal Dr says is 34 weeks, will be 33 on Friday. I can do this, day by day. I pray for a healthy 6 safe outcome.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Pokes, jabs & bedrest

Who knew, how much can happen within a week or so! I had woke up the morning of the 19th, with nausea, and it stuck around for a good 3 to 4 days. I had no vomiting, just a few headaches, and plain felt lousy. I started to worry a bit, and did some googling and of course I read on nausea and flu like symptoms and that got me thinking, what if that is whats going on? I remember 3 weeks before I gave birth to Naomi, I had a day of just not feeling well at all, so it all panned back to that.

I decided I would take myself on Sunday morning, to get checked out, even tho I had an apt on Tuesday with my ob, just did not feel right waiting. So I went in to OB triage & they ran tests, everything was fine, was about to be released when I started CONTRACTING! Um, at 31 weeks? I did not feel the beginning of them but later on I began to feel the tightness & pain. I thought, my gosh, What else is next? I was contracting every 10 minutes so they decided to admit me and do tests for preterm labor. I started to freak!

It was negative, but I also ended up having a short cervix as well. They put me on procardia for contractions watched me for 4 days, and even though I had had a tough night the night before, the doctor released me that thursday. I was sent home on bedrest, and that morning, I took my bp as usual and it was a bit high, so I retook it again, and still high, I reported back to my nurse, she spoke with my doctor & he said to come in and get checked. So back to the hospital I go! (a different one, the one I perfer to deliver at).

So well, they did some tests again, my bp was fine and under control, and here we go again, I started contracting every 10 minutes. So I was then told they were going to keep me. So as of Friday, I have been here, this is my home for the remainder of whatever is left with my pregnancy. I have two things to be watching, preeclampsia and preterm labor. So very scary. I feel alot better being here, under watchful eyes. I have been swollen in my feet, hands and face but as of this morning i was told the swelling went down a bit in my face, which is always good news! I am being weighed daily, on procardia, and iron due to low iron levels. I had PIH labs don this morning about an hour ago, so those results should be in within an hr or so before this nurse leaves.

I just am being told and how things are looking or possibly progressing with pree AGAIN, I will possibly expect a NICU stay. That is okay, but I am asking myself am i really ready for this again? I surely know the "rollercoaster" of the nicu, and I tell you, that ride, will never come to an end. I am scared, the familiar noises, sounds and smell, athought I am in a different hospital than with Naomi, it is just not easy, for any parent. But I have no choice, I have to do this, day by day, I will get through this. Look how far I have come now!?

I am very anxious and worried to how they will turn out. Because from within a few days, we repeated my 24 hr urine, and it jumped from 400 to 600. I just pray I can hold on for a couple more days, if anything weeks, and keep this little girly cooking some more! The great news is that, I am 32 weeks, have steriods on board (as of 25 weeks, got a rescue dose while being here) and she weighs 4 lbs! Nurses always comment how wonderful she is and stays on the monitor, makes me a proud mama! I keep telling myself, look how far I have come, not many people thought I would make it past 28 weeks, but I made it a WHOLE month past that. I am thankful,I must say, with the support of my family, friends & BLM's.

THANK YOU so very much. I know my sweetbaby angel, is watching over her mommy and little sister to be. I miss her so much, & I have had some breakdowns while being in the hospital, not the easiest place to be.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

~*You are all around~*

On the 18th of August, was my mom's birthday. My family and I all went out to a restaurnt to celebrate her birthday for dinner. We were all sitting down & something came up about how I had drank a bit too much and got sick at the beach condo. I did not know why that had been brought up and I was confused. My mom then goes "she had an excuse" and looked with a sad face at me. It then clicked.

That a month or two after I had lost Naomi, I was staying at my parents condo, because I could not go home, I had wanted to be away and the beach was that place. I drank alot, thinking the pain would somewhat go away, it would double, with the alcohol. Anyways, I then started to think back to those days (while at table) and I just got very teary eyed, telling myself please do not break down at this table, its my mother's birthday. I just remembered how much of pain I was in, I did not know what to do with myself in those days and months after her death.

I decided to get up to use the restroom & try & take a breather. Well I was finishing up in the restroom and I started to hear a very faint song playing. I thought I was hearing things, but I listened very closely and sure enough that was it. "Home" by Chris Daughtry was playing out of all songs on their system, this one was playing. I started to bawl my eyes out. This song was played when Naomi was being born, when I was on the operating table. I just could not believe it, I kissed my necklace & tried to clean up my face and walk back out. I just did not expect that at all, yet in a way, I had a bit of peace after that, yet I still ached badly.

On another note, please pray for my mother's friend. My mom told me a couple days ago (August 15) that a coworker of hers (a nurse) lost her 21 yr old daughter. Her daughter was murdered & the ex or bf had killed her dogs as well, and then commited suicide. My mom will be attending her memorial service later tonight. My mom & I briefly spoke about it, and she had told me I know the pain. Yes, I very much do so. This world is so cruel, makes me so sickened and heartbroken for this family. No mother or family, should ever have to bury their own children, EVER.

May you RIP & be with my baby girl Naomi.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

NICU visit, & then some...

Yesterday, I went to visit my friend whom I met during my stay in the hospital 3 weeks ago. I had told her I would visit her a few days ago, but kept putting it off. I really did not want to go into a NICU again even tho I had been a couple months after losing Naomi. I finally tho, decided to go, to be there for her, it is not an easy job. I met up with her and we walked into her baby's room. I was amazed, I SO wish Naomi had been born there. They have their own very private rooms! So she can be with her own baby, 24/7, has a couch in there to sleep on, it was just so nice. I was able to touch her son, remembered all the precautions that had to be taken, washing hands, I remember and did it all. Seeing the very less tubes tho on him, reminded me of Naomi. His movements reminded me of Naomi, the way he was sleeping on his belly reminded me of Naomi. That was her favorite position, and well mommys too that I just thought she was oh so cute as she slept!

We both talked about our experiences and how when pree comes, it comes and gets you quick! It makes me so angry about it, that word will just haunt me forever & ever. I tell her how everytime I find out a friend is pregnant or has a headache, I quickly tell her to watch bp, and watch for these signs. It is no joke. But I am glad I went to see her. I had wanted to cry several times but did not want to scare her or upset her. She knows, it is a rollercoaster in there. One day good news, the next bad and on and on. I just am praying for that baby to continue his journey and hopefully by the end of September, he will get to go home!

On another note, I just am amazed, at how far I have come. I just was reading my journal entries on when I lost Naomi, months after, talking about not wanting to llive and just my memories of me screaming and crying and calling her name, and being in bed for days and weeks on end, depressed, not eating, sleeping all day, just crying and wanting to be all alone. I still have my days, but those days are alot less than before. I still look at my sweet Naomis pictures and think, I cannot believe I had her, and within a month, was taken from me. But I am very thankful I had gotten to meet her and spend those weeks with her.

So far, this pregnancy, is going well. I know my Naomi is watching over the both of us. I have had several signs from her, I believe she is all around. I have made it to 30+ weeks, 5 days, it seems odd saying that, I am not used to it. I am just hoping and praying it continues that way, but I know and am ready for anything to change. I am watching myself like a hawk! I try and picture myself holding this little girlie, but I just can't. I don't know how I am going to feel, I know overwhelmed with emotions. I just know I will be an emotional mess, but thankful to meet Naomi's little sister. May all go well and continue this way, and for all the other mommies out there, I PRAY FOR YOU ALL AS WELL.

The next couple of days will be filled with birthday celebrations, my mom's is tomorrow, mine is on Friday, and then on TUESDAY is the big day. I will be having a 4D ultrasound done by my doctor's office, I CANNOT wait to see my little girl. I haven't gotten much of a peek of her, so I am hoping she will be cooperative! My best friend and 2 other friends will probably be joirning me as well. AND my sister is 38 weeks, 39 on friday, and is due anytime now, so these next few days, and weeks shall be filled with lots of exciting things to come, I HOPE! <3

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Whirlwind of emotions

Grief. & My Daughter. I never thought in a million years that I would be grieving the loss of my very first born, baby girl Naomi Hope. I sometimes just think I am living someone else's story or life and that I am just somehow walking as a ghost from day to day.

Other days, I feel like, I am so proud of myself from where I have come, yet the grief never ends. I think people think or assume, I am "okay" because I am now expecting again. Not really. I grieve for my little angel every single day. I look at her pictures just wishing she would come back to me. I miss my little Naomi.

Earlier tonight, I got a call from a number I did not know but I answered it. It happened to be my roomie from the hospital. I was so surprised yet happy to hear from her. I have been thinking about her and her baby recently alot and was wondering how things were going. We talked about both of our experiences, she indeed having preeclampsia, I told her how sorry I was we had to meet in that way yet I told her how I am there for her in anyway possible. She even said I am welcome to meet her little boy, he is still in the NICU, her duedate isnt until Sept 30, so may be there a little bit until after that. I pray for him to continue on his positive journey ahead. I pray, for my friend, she is 17 years old. Very hard to go through, for anyone.

On the flipside of things, I had my OB appointment this morning, everything is going well so far, SO FAR. I am very happy where I am, passed my 28 weeks (first goal from DR), yet it saddens me, why couldn't I have made it this far with Naomi? I just will never understand. My doctor said I am gaining weight which is good, negative dipstick, (horray), and bps look great, and feeling baby movements as well. I had repeat PIH labs done and I will have results for those by Friday. So my 2nd goal is to make to 32 weeks. I am just praying, I make it to that, and further on. I was then told next appt which is on the 24th of August, I will have a 4D ultrasound done by my office. I am SO excited! I remember when I hadnt been excited in this pregnancy, just about a few weeks ago I started allowing myself to become excited yet, still have my safety guard up by a long shot.

I know that ANYTHING can change in the blink of an eye. I am not ready for that, but I have no chance do I? I just am thankful for where I am today, and I pray that it continues on this way. I want to thank my friends, and family & amazing mommy support I have had especially through the forums and mommies I met, makes me feel so good how supporitve and caring so many are. THANK YOU!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I just miss her, where has the time gone?

Today, I just feel empty. I look behind me and there is what used to be filled with gifts from the hospital, flowers, and baby baskets & get well balloons and cards, wipes, diapers that I had yet to put away. Now, it is covered with pictures of me holding my daughter & poems I wrote, and things on preeclampsia. It is now a memorial, that I will forever keep there.

I sometimes look at it and just say what a gift God has given me, to become a mother, my beautiful Naomi made me a mommy. Other times, I sit on the edge of my bed towards her memorial and just cry, I let it out. I talk to her, I plead with her to come back. Yet in all reality, I know shes not. I look at her pictures, trying to remember, walking up from the elvator, pressing the NICU button, them seeing that its me, they knew me. Every day I would be there visiting her getting updates, 10 to 12 hrs a day. They just knew me. Saying "hi mom, how are you". Being called mom. Still was new to me, but I liked it. I liked it.

I remember taking her little temperature, changing her tiny diapers and holding up her little legs so I can put the diaper under neathe her. I thought I would hurt her, because of how TINY she was. The nurse said no youre doing a good job. I remember her positions my favorite was when they had her on her tummy and her little bottom was sorta up in the air. She looked OH SO CUTE! I remember hearing her tiny tiny baby cries through her incubator. I remember holding her one time and her crying and I started to sing to her. She stopped. I calmed her. Her mommy.

Now, my life is changed FOREVER. I will be forever the mother of a baby girl, my first born, that I do not have. It hurts, it stings, it is just so painful. And to know that there are other mothers out there, way too many, it doesn't really help, yet it does, but my heart breaks and aches for them as well. Who would have thoughts there would be a community out there for all of us, or that I would be a member. Not me? Not any of us.

I just know, that I am thankful, to have gotten to meet her, to have had her for 35 days, to be able to do the few mommy things that I could do. I miss you Naomi. I love you. I just miss you. Please dont forget me.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Where I am at today...

I am very scared, anxious, getting to the point of being excited all on this new pregnancy. Yet, there is not a day that doesn't go by that I do not think about or wish my sweet Naomi was here.

Since learning of the news, I have had so many friends & even complete strangers send so many thoughtful gifts & even baby things. I haven't even bought a thing yet for this new little one. I am just afraid, afraid of what could be. I know it all too well, I am afraid to jink myself in a way. My friends are all asking about a baby shower. I keep putting the thought of it off, yes of course I would love one, yet I never got to have one for Naomi, we had been starting to plan one around the time everything just went wrong. And I just happen to be at that point in my pregnancy now where things changed forever. So I am scared. I sometimes think, I do not want one until this baby is home & safely in my arms.

My due date is October 22. Seems like its right around the corner. When people ask me my due date, I freak. I sometimes just want to say, the baby will be here soon enough. I freak when ever I hear that question. As of today I am 27 w & 5 days. My first goal Dr had said was 28 weeks. Looks like, crossing my fingers, I will make that goal. Then my next one is 32. I can do it. I just *have* to.

Of course, learning of my pregnancy, I am at high risk. I had gotten the very best health insurance thankfully through my mother. I have a wonderful doctor who has taken the best care of me & also have been seeing a MFM as well. Well, me, freaking out with every little ache or pain, or none movement, I had been into L&D 3 times. This last time I went because I was feeling the baby move less. I went in, the nurse remembered me of course, this was July 13th. They strapped me on the monitor and sure enough the baby was moving all around & they hadnt seen such a good baby for that gestational age. That made me happy.

The nurse was about to send me home when she decided to admit me for 24 hrs so I can see myself on the monitor and note the movements and feel them as well. I could barely feel half of them, my thought was because of my anterior placenta as like my doctor told me. But I was happy they allowed me to stay. Testing was done to get PIH labs done to clear me from that since my severe history. Bloodwork came back fine. Nurse comes in about my 24 hr collection, and says there was 0 protein. I thought Horray I can leave! Comes back 5 minutes later, says we read the wrong thing. My protein level was elevated, to 560. Normal was 225 she said. Are you kidding me?

I started to panic, I cried. My OB then did not want to play and got me transferred to another hospital with a level 3 NICU. Yet I wasn't experiencing any other symptoms of preeclampsia really besides headaches. So out of proticol, I was transferred via ambulance over there. I was SO very lucky to have had a wonderful nurse, we even exchanged numbers, she was so kind & even road with me in the ambulance. I was fine the whole way, until they got me in my room and as the left, I started to cry. I thought no, this cant be happening. No bp issues thank God. But still, that protein was there.

So well I was watched and baby was monitored, bp checks and monitoring every 8 and 4 hours. I had lots of visitors, friends & family. I was 25 weeks then. I thought no way can I have this baby. I kept asking if they would deliver on protein alone, thankfully no. Bloodtests kept coming back fine, but the protein was still elevated. I had seen the kidney doctor there, no underlying issues or kidney damage that they could see. My doctor did diagnose me with mild preeclampsia. .

So there we go, the diagnois was made. I just knew I was going to get it, it was a matter of when. Yet I question myself, do I really have it and they caught it early early on? I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and was released this Friday. I was sent home with monitoring of bp & weight & will be brought in more often to see my ob. So far, baby looks great, no bp issues, so its a wait & see game from here. I was given the steroid shot the day before being transferred to other hospital. The memories all came flooding back, last year I was admitted at 27 w 5 days because of how sick I was with preeclampsia and had gotten the shot. I was just so scared everything was going to happen again.

Thankfully, I am at home, feeling alright, but it just still scares me because inside, I feel like something is slightly off. I could be being paranoid, but I just feel as if I am that ticking time bomb as many of us pre E mommies say, waiting to explode. But I Am thankful to be where I am at today. So far this baby is not showing signs of IUGR which is FANTASTIC. So that is going in my favor. I go for my MFM appointment August 3rd, I hadn't been in in a month. We will be doing the growth scan & looking at the blood flow. I am hoping for great news.

Until then, I just have to keep hanging in here, was put on modified bed rest, laying low around the house, lots of rest to keep that bp from rising. I am just hoping & praying for the very best of outcomes!

Here is a picture of me of today, this was the biggest I had ever seen myself get, never got this big with my sweetpea Naomi.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Very unexpected news...

It has been quite some time since I last updated my blog, I am still all new to all of this as well. Things have been quite hectic, full of emotions, anger, sadness, grief, all in one!

Things do not happen or go as planned ever in my book of life, and in the midst of my grieving for my sweetpea Naomi, I got myself involved with the father again, thinking he was the closest I had to Naomi, knowing not even him could bring her back. We are no longer together, that is the end of that.

But, I unexpectedly found out back in Feb, Feb 17th to be exact, that I was pregnant. I went into an office called HOPE pregnancy thinking oh its going to be negative, because I had been testing negative since January. Just a missed period. Thought okay, maybe this is one of the months I skip and have it the next month. LMP, was Dec 17th. I take the test with the lady there, she explained 1 line is negative and 2 is positive. I tested and I see one line was about to get up and to go out of the office and she says no, theres 2. I said "WHAT?!". She said "yes, look the other one is faint but yes its there". I looked closer. My heart just dropped. I kept having to peek over at it, I felt my world just spun around again. And sure enough as we talked more the line got darker, there was definitely 2 lines. I started crying. I explained to her about my history of my past & just losing my daughter and still grieving fully for her.

I had no idea all my emotions would come out and be like this all over again. That was the same office I went to confirm my pregnancy with Naomi as well. I thought how can I go this? I am all alone, I have nothing, no car, no job, nothing. What will my parents think? My head was spinning. A pregnancy should be a happy an exciting thing. My case is different.

Alot has happened since then, for quite some time, I hadnt been excited. I wish I could but I couldnt. I was scared, mad,upset, hurt, all things I shouldn't be. I didn't want it. NOT talking about abortion, NEVER would I go through such a thing. I just was still i nthe midst of grieving and I couldn't take it all in still. Weeks went by, and it still hadn't hit me that I was pregnant again. Yes, I had the nausea, the tiredness, but I still did not believe I was pregnant. I kept it hidden for quite some time from my friends & family and it just was too much for me, too emotional, it was taking its toll on me.

Even, reporting before, going to my own sisters baby shower was very difficult for me EVEN THO I WAS PREGNANT. She has it all, 21 as well when I had my first pregnancy so is she, married, has a house, has it all, financially set. Me, I am not. Still to this day, I want to be happy for her, but right now, I can't. My own blood, my own sister. I will be an Aunt. It hurts me because this is her first pregnancy, she is already at 36 weeks and has a normal free pregnacy, and my 2nd so far is FAR from being worry free. I just did the best I could while there, holding back tons of tears and hurt. I feel jealous too, with my mom being so close to my sister, always being around her and yes this is her 2nd grandchild, but I feel like Naomi should be her first and isn't in a way. I was told about her news a few months after, my mom thinking it would be okay to tell me because she knew about my news. I just bawled my eyes out. It hurts.

I still have a lot of figuring out to do and what my plans are. Now, I am starting to be accepting of my whole situation, nothing I can do to change it. I am blessed & thankful to have a family caring for me & taking me back in at home during this time. Lots of things still going on, emotions I have to figure out & deal with, but so far, I am lucky to be where I am, especially in this pregnancy compared to last time. I will update more next on my pregnancy & where I am at now.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Venting..feelings -I just want you to go away!

This may be something I should write in my journal, but I am upset & crying and just need to get it out now, and I am a fast typist so here it goes.

I just feel so utterfly lost again. I wish I wasn't having these feelings, for my own sister. I feel like a bad person for them. My 21 yr old sister is pregnant, due at the end of August with a boy. Yes, I will be an Aunt. Just like she is/was to my sweet Naomi. My sister is having her baby shower this Saturday, June 12th, at my parents house, where I still am living. I am only 22 years old. I have been freaking about this event and just I would say "jealous" about it since I have known about it.

It upsets me because every other word or talk around this house is mentioning of my sisters baby shower and or her. I feel like I am left out. I am the oldest of 4 and for some time my mom has been quite close with my sister. They are always together it seems like and I feel like I am just not included in things. Yes my grandma and my mom went to go to SamsClub to gather things for the day, which is 5 days away. My grandmother wanted me to come, um no thank you. I have the wrong attitude for it all I KNOW. I just cant get past these feelings. I want to, I REALLY do. But when I think about it all, it makes me so sad & just sick feeling. Especially the fact how she couldn't go to Naomi's 1st birthday celebration, but under certain circumstances.

Family, and friends will be here at the house and neighbors, a baby shower should and is a happy thing. But you know, I think, in my situation, baby showers don't make it sure that a baby will come home with you near your duedate. Because of everything that happened to me, I just cant deal with baby showers. I haven't ever been invited to one, until, quite funny, not really but shortly after my daughter's death. I was like WTH! But I declined every time. My sister's would be the first one I would be going to. I am jealous & hurt because I didn't get to have one with Naomi, but one was about to be planned in the works just shortly before I had her. But I feel as if for my sister they are going all out (my parents). It hurts. They made up backyard nicer and just doing so much. I want to be happy for my sister & her husband, but I am not close with her anymore like I used to when we were younger.

I just do not know how to let go of these feelings. I have it set in my mind that I am not going to go and will spend the day with my best friend. But my mom is trying to tell me to at least go for an hr or 2. I don't want to see my neighbors and family and have them ask questions to me, my mom said they wont. Or I dont want them looking at me with sympathy or either asking what I have been up to. I have nothing to say. I haven't done much. I am not working, not in school, I need to be. I need to straighten out my life!

So basically by saying that to me "all attention will be on your sister". Gee thanks Mom. I feel like if I do try & go, I will end up crying and making a mess of myself & I don't want to even put myself in that situation, yet I feel maybe after its all over I may regret not going. I don't know what to do. I just wish I had my sweet Naomi here and everything would be great. But its not.

For once, I need a positive blog post, I really do. And or maybe something off topic besides my feelings all the time & negativity. Maybe tomorrow I can have some good news to talk about. I pray I will.
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