Sunday, May 29, 2011

Random Findings

So, there is this huge trial that started last Monday in Orlando FL (which is 3.5 hrs from me). Casey Anthony vs the state. She is accused of mudering her 2 yr
old daughter Caylee, back in 2008. I was living with my now ex husband at the time when this story broke and how they were on the hunt to find her daughter. There is so many twists and turns going on now in the trial that we as the public Did not know. I personally think she is guilty-to what degree? I don't know just yet. It makes me SICK and so heartbroken. I look at my little Sadie and just it boggles my mind how could anyone do such a thing? She is a young mom and they are painting the picture that she wanted to have the party life and not be stuck as a single mom raising her. For God sakes the woman was out partying and clubbing while her own daughter was "missing". The trial is on every day Monday to Friday 9 am to 5 pm on Trutv (old court tv station). At 3pm eastern time it is showing on HLN. I have been GLUED to the tv all day. I would love love love to go and see a day in this case, but I did a little researching and it may be difficult getting my hands on a seat and especialy since I am not local. :( I would love to plan a road trip up there for the day. Just I would be worried about me opening my mouth in open court to ms Anthony. :/ I personally think she has guilty written all over her face. Nothing adds up. This is also a death penalty case as well. There had only been two woman executed in state of FL they mentioned.

On a lighter note, i came across this piece on TV about gender cakes. I did some googling and I think it is just the CUTEST THING EVER! what you do is, when you go to the dr to find out what you are having, you tell the tech or whoever to not to tell you the sex and just write down on piece of paper place in envelope and then from there you take to your local bakery. They will do up a cake or cupcakes with neutral frosting on outside and pink or blue as the cake itself. You then have family and friends (whoever else) to come over just for the cake ( you can make gifts optional). Then as everyone watches, you cut into the cake or bite into the cupcake and voila! You share that special moment with everyone!! I thought, omg I hope to someday have another little one and I would LOVE to do something like this! What do you think? I found some pictures that are too cute!

Okay, last but not least, you know I have to end with a picture of my sweet little girl! (I have to figure out how to place the pictures with the story or paragraph instead of all at the top! Any helpers?!)

Okay, not really. The picture of the baby with the yellow soap on her head....IS ME!!! can you believe it? I showed it to my mom tonight as she came home from work and she goes "OMG". i asked her how old I was there and she said just shy of being a year old. Wowza! Can you not say that doesnt look exactly like Sadie?!?! :)


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Friday, May 27, 2011

Sadness + Grief = eating & eating

5'1=60 inches short. 123lbs. 123= to grossness. I have an excuse, no really I do.

My petite frame, I SHOULD weigh 110-115 lbs. I need need to lose ten or so lbs. I am upset at myself because Sadie is 8.5 months old and I should have worked my butt off and gotten ready for the summer. I am not liking my body at all now. I see lots of friends statuses on FB about the gym and tanning blah blah. I wish I can afford a gym, lots of my friend work out. I know id feel alot better about myself. But, thats STILL no excuse for my icky ickyness. The outside is available, and its FREE as a bird!

Id love to be skinny again, tone up, tan and look better. I need to learn to do my makeup and hair and shop for a new wardrobe for myself. I think I deserve it. Mama needs a bit of "pep". I am constantly making sure my little girl is always fancy dancy and cute. She comes FIRST. Of course. But, if I can learn to take a few minutes to myself or for myself in the am to look better I think id feel better. Just wish I had more money (don't we all) to help with these things. But I deal with what I have. I have some money, and I am always updating Sadie's wardrobe and not mama's! :) first things first!

But, I've noticed I havent been "myself" lately. Well, I will never be myself again, my life was forever changed. My best friend and even another friend of mine could feel and hear it in me that I havent been. I look at the calendar and I sigh. June 1, Wednesday will be two years, TWO years since Naomi died. I can't believe it. Feels sooo long ago since I have seen her, held her and smelt her soft baby skin. The days keep passing on by and its further I am and have been away from her. I miss her so much. This weekend being memorial day, makes it difficult for me. I am pretty sure the eve when I lost Naomi was memorial day.

I don't have anything planned as of yet to do on her day, but I would like to. Any ideas?

Hope all have a nice holiday weekend.


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Sunday, May 22, 2011

You're 1 in a million, try 144 million

Okay, so I had this whole post ready to go and blog about my day at Rapids and what not. Sorry, but being up since 6:30 with Sadiekins and being in the sun for uh lets say.. 6 hrs and walking up flights of stairs, lets just say I am beyond pooped. So I will finish that post manana! K?! :)

But, as I type away from blogger on my phone in BED, I must get it out. I have a huge problem thats sneaking up on me and I have absolutely NO idea where it came from. There needs to be an end to this. I know exactly what cab help with that. Its quite simplr actually. May someone ever so quickly whisper the winning lottery numbers in my ear and I will jot them down for Wednesdays HUGE drawing?! Spank you very much, and if you pick the winning lottos, I agree, pinky promise to give you a $1 million. Ok ok no ill stop being greedy. Ill make it $5 million! After all, I would have $72 million.

Sisndisnvisjso <......see that?! Anger. As we were driving up to Rapids this morning, my best friend and I saw this sign. Lately I have been obsessed with the lotto. Never before have i really played but now I am at least weekly. I mean, how hard is it really, to have ALL five numbers and powerball number in order?! Ha!

My best friend and I talk often about it. We get so frustrated because we see alot of older people winning or some that do horrible things with their winnings. We also have discussed on way home tonight, how would we react if we won? I think I would screan at the top of my lungs a little something like this " OH MY FRUCKIN GAWDDDDDDDDD!" . and well my best friend she thinks shed be in complete shock and would maybe cry?! Im curious, how do winners react? What would you do? Ugh. Okay, I better get my oh so hopefull lotto winners butt to bed before I dream" anymore nonsense. As IF i would win. But as I was told recently by a friend, " You gotta be in it to win it."


PS. You can count me in for 5 maybe 10 plays this time around as I always go for one lousy play!

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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow..

You're only a dayyy away!

No, I am not practicing my vocal skills (as if I even have any!) but I am back to my book again! It really has some great info in it and I need to jot down these things so I can have in plain view! Remember, I am a huge list writer? ;)

Basically what I have just read on two pages is so totally true and something I need to work on. I think we all do. Have you caught yourself saying "tomorrow I will take that much needed nap? Tomorrow I will enjoy myself, taking me time?" Its always tomorrow. Isn't it? Thats gotta be a huge word in my vocabulary, and I gotta nix it!

Another thief of time is worrying! I am a worrier. Thats for sure. Did you notice most of us go about our daus disconnected from the present? We live in the trance of a daily routine or habits. When we do something over and over again the same way, it becomes old, stale. We easily get stuck in a rut. Are you one of those?! (raises BOTH hands). She suggests changing up your routine. Even a small change, by maybe taking a different route to school or to work, buying a different fragerence or body wash, or new flavor of icecream. I like that idea! Lately, I have been stuck in my rut, thinking how I am "bored and annoyed" with everyday routine stuff. I need o change it up a bit for sure. When I read that bit, reminded me of my best friend. I love her to death, but I noticed when we go out, she gets her "usual" weather we dine out or what not. But the other day we went to Panera bread she said she was going to try a different salad. She did and it was okay but not a fave of hers. But I think its important to try and change your surroundings or new things. We aren't used to change. But as I said before, we both already want a change in our look or hairstyles that is.

If money wasn't an option or in the way, I would get up and splurge on a whole new wardrobe, ie clothing I need BIG time. My 8 month old is more stylish and has more clothes than me. Youd laugh if you saw my closet. Its pitiful especially for being a 23 almost 24 yr old girl! And to come to think of it, when I lived with my ex husband, I made good money and had such a wardrobe and always got my hair and nails done and what not and paid for lunches and dinners, as if I had millions. And thats where my money went, still shooting myself for that one! Anyways, getting a wee bit off topic here. Well, I am in need of shoes big time and purses as well. I keep thinking "when I win the lotto, ill splureee". ;)

While were on the topic of clothing and shoes and what not, where do you shop? Do you have any suggestions on cute stylish clothing for a 23 yr old mama? Thats affordable yet not drop dead grandma looking like clothes?! Hah as my sister would say! I always had cute style but I dont know where my clothing went? I have a tendency to throw out things, like a lot. So don't worry, you'll never see me on that show Hoarders! :)

Speaking of change, I am so excited, being that today the world isn't going to "come to an end by aliens or whatever" I will be going to RAPIDS water park here in well west palm beach tomorrow with the bestie!!! I am so freakin excited. I want to say i have been once for sure, maybe twice but a long time ago, when I was 15! Its about an hr drive from where I am, we will be going to breakfast at IHOP (yummy yet reminds me of when I had my awful 28 week apt with my sweet Naomi) for breakfast around 8 so our tummies are nice and full for the drive.

The park is open 10 am to 6 pm! My wonderful mother gets discounts at work on the tickets so she surprised me with two tickets! Of course I knew I was going to take Bonnie! Who else!? So she said she will watch Sadie for the day! I can't wait this is a HUGE water park with tons of slides and what not. I happened to see a commerical for it yesterday and I screamed out of excitement and the babies just stared at me like "what in the name of God is going on here"- sorry a line from can you guess where!?

So yes, as they say my "Sunday Funday" will be exceptionally exciting! And i will be able to get a MUCH needed tan! Pray the weather holds up! You never know with Florida weather! Hope you all have a great weekend!

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Friday, May 20, 2011

The Hot Mom's Handbook

Have you heard of it? The HMH? If not, do yourself a favor, take you, yourself, and I to the local bookstore or mall OR online and purchase it! At first I thought it was totally something different, but I still am glad I made the $17 purchase! Its so TRUE AND FUNNY!

I am reading a part right *now* and It couldn't be for me any better! I feel JUST like she did. And she's right..."let go of the way your life was "supposed" to be and enjoy what it is. For a long time I attached myself pretty tightly to "the dream". Believe me, the dream did not include being a single mom. I felt guilty about what I did wrong and angry about what my ex did wrong. I was mad at the world and myself. How could i possibly be the best mom with all of that inner frustration? I couldn't. I wasted all that time blaming my ex and myself for my situation. Negative attitudes and energy create more negative attitudes and energy. So break the cycle, I did. Whatever you are holding on to in your life, drop it, let it go. We all get figuratively trapped by our stuff. Letting go of our stuff on a regular basis, be it physical or emotional, gives us breathing room and makes us feel fresh and new."

Now, I am on a mission, several, and one being this one. To be able to say I let go of the EXACT ABOVE". What she said. I can do it, I just have to work at it.

It eats at me everyday, the "woulda, coulda, and shoulda--" as she said again " you didnt, so get over it! Lots of great points but i promise you, not all about that, this is just one mini chapter called "Fever pampers, more pampering-please!" Quite catchy, ey?

I could yap and yap about my oh poor me sad face things I wish I did or didn't do but I will save your and my sanity on that one---for another blog post! Haha, have to get back to these oh so attention grabbing babies! One of which is my darling daughter and other is my nephew. Hes still sleeping, as of 11, and its now 1:15. And my sweet Sadie napped earlier, they happen to be on opposite schedules today because SOMEONE not going to mention any names here, decided to give mommy a lovely usual 6:20 wake up call. Mama rolls over, checks her phone thought oh its 7 or 8 because of the light from my window. Oh no honey, its 6:20 . Gotta love her tho! Up bright and early to start the day!

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Busy-eventful Thursday

“Friends are angels who lift our feet when our own wings have trouble remembering how to fly.”
Yesterday morning, my best friend, Bonnie came over at 11 am and while my little Sadie was napping, we ran off to my fave, Starbucks for some much needed energy for the day. She just so happens to be a partner of them so she got us her discount. I got my usual, 2 pump iced white mocha no whip, small! (can you tell I am not a usual persay, hense, I forget what a small is called i "starbucks terms"!

We headed back so I could get Sadie ready and to Target we went. We had made plans to do a few things that day. We searched for bathing suits for my oh so exciting Sunday Funday ahead of us at RAPIDS WATERPARK! I repeat, do not have the best bikini body that I wish I had time and a gym membership to work at, but I am OK with how I look in one for now and thats HUGE from where I came from years ago. My best friend suggested the new "bra type" tops for us. Mine is purple and we both got skirt bottoms to match ours. Only thing is, i kind of feel like i am "popping" out of my suit but my bestie says thats how its supposed to be! Ha we shall see.

So after that adventure, we both know we want a different hairstyle look so she had suggested we go to a WIG store and try them on. I laughed, I wasn't going to try any on, I just didnt feel right if we werent seripus about actually buying one, but as she is getting fitted for one, she goes "aren't you going to try on one?" and thelady said " yeah! Here ill get you this one". Well lets just say I am glad I tried on the darker brown with bangs because I almost was deciding on that as a hairstyle. A big NO NO that would have been for me! She puts on the one lighter brown with some blonde highlights and that seemed to be the one! I was blonder before and i always missed it but cant afford it just really so we shall see what i can figure out! We sure had fun and a few laughs. I told the lady "we will be back with our husbands they may not be happy with us right now if we splurge on these wigs"! She said okay and wrote down everything for us. I sorta felt bad because there was no wy either of us were actually going to go back and purchase those ovwr $300 wigs. No, thank you.

After our wig extravaganza, we ended up going to Panera Bread for lunch! I had a great chicken cesar salad there! Trying to eat better, don't eat horrible, but I could defintely eat more veggies and fruits i am just quite busy! Have to start preparing meals at night! Side note: I have been noticing last couple days I am beyond tired. I do know I did stop my usual runs daily for some reason and am not getting all my nutrients and daily water requirements as I should. So I am going to try starting back up my runs and really loud up on the water. As i am typing away, i can feel I am thirsty and I read that dehydration can actually make you quite

tired. Ive did some mini research this morning so i am going p do an experiment and see if thats what it is, I hope!

Then, Bonnie suggested we go and get PEDICURES! She wanted to pay. She pays for so much of our things, yet as I do try and pay for things oo, its only fair. I was able to get my sister to babysit little Sadie, I was able to put her down for a nap which was good because my sister never really watched her and she is 15 but she did well, because she slept the whole time. So we got out tootsies done! What a treat that was! Our FIRST ever time getting them done together. We both decided we need to go monthly together, but i dont know if i can afford that. We shall see! We kept saying we need to find rich men or win the lotto; which ever comes first, any voters on that one!? ;)

And, our day continues! A full day out and about shopping and pampering ourselves! We both have severe sweet tooths! But you'd never guess with Bonnie. Shes tiny! I used to be small like her but since having my Sadie, I have my last 10 lbs Id love to lose! We decided to go to this candy shop down into the other town wherw I live. Oh sweets galore! We both got the SAME pecab choc caramel apple. Dumb, we should have got two different kinds and shared! We also got two mini cupcakes, so cute!

Luckily, I wasn't a piggie and shared it with my mom and brothrr ! I ended up having 3 slices of the apple and half of the mini cupcakes, not half bad, ey!? Still, have got to get back to my runs asap TODAY! Will be blogging about my weight issues layer today hopefully and on mh "hot mom status"!

What a great day I had with the bestie and Sadie! I was so exhausted yet I stayed up until 12:30 1! I always say i am going to go to bed when she does @ 8 but thats MY own time to do whatever it may be, which now, I have my own ritual going on. Put Sadie to bed, clean up the area and kitchen, and then sit my behind down, catch up on bloggies, email and facebook! Yes, I spend 3 hrs on that. Addiction much? I think I have to change that routine! Any suggestions!?

How was your Thursday?

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Monday, May 16, 2011

Butterfly World, Eight Months, and Baby Fever, say what!?

How was your weekend? What did you do?

My friend Kylee suggested we go to .She knows of my obsession with butterflies and she had never been. We had both heard the weather wasn't going to be the best but there was not a cloud in the sky. Since Sadie had woken up from her nap, I thought, why not, lets go while it looks good. It was about a 25 minute drive. We got there and we went in and I was just floored. It was beautiful. There were butterflies EVERYWHERE, huge ones and little ones. The one that really caught my eye was the sky blue colored ones, there were like 3 of them together flying around and they were the hugest butterflies I had ever seen. Sadie was just watching them fly around. We walked through there and see all the different butterflies and beautiful flower and plant trees they had. They had music playing and at first I wanted to cry but I was okay afterwards. I associate butterflies with Naomi, everytime I would see one, I would think its her coming to say hello. I particually like the bright yellow ones and associate them with her more so, I think because she always wore her yellow hat in the NICU. It was just a very nice time and I would love to go back again and especially when Sadie is a little older and would really be taken back my all of it. I told her "we are going to go see sissy and all of her friends"! I just went on the site and read about how it came about, pretty interesting, you should take a look!


Look at me now I am EIGHT months today, Can't you see I am ready to play? Reaching for mommy & pulling myself up, I am a cutie, Yup! Yup! Yup!

I can't believe yet another month has flown on by! Four more months, and my little girl will be ONE, Holy SMOKES!

Each and every day, her little personality continues to shine on through! Its so cute! The things she does at EIGHT months old are:

*she sits up fully on her own now! Has no problem with her balance really and I find it cute but weird to come and get her from naps or in the morning seeing her sitting up like a big girl!

*JUST recently, a day or two ago, has now figured out how to pull herself up, on a box or in her crib OR on mama! Its so cute. She is a little rascal! And is still so little yet short, just like her mama!

* Reaches out for me when I go to pick her up, cutest thing ever!

*Also is starting to babble and baby talk more. bababa and mamama! Cute!

*The other day she started this "cough" thing. Its SO funny! My nephew does it too. Its like a "fake" attention cough type of thing, and yet my mom or I will do it and she will copy. Too funny!! Where do they get this from!?

*ANDDDD, TODAY, well Yesterday (since its midnight now!) I came home from an outing and my mom had Sadie and happened to do "patty cake" with her and kept saying "patty cake patty cake" and would just clap her own hands and SADIE STARTED DOING IT! Its sooo cute! My mom laughed because of her face when she claps her hands. I got a short video on it too! I will certainly share !

*Its amazing all the little things and developments they have. She was born 5 weeks early and seems to have no problems at all, right on target! Thats my girl!

Here is her EIGHT month old "picture"!
Baby Fever. Yes, I said it. I have ALWAYS loved loved loved babies and children, since I was a little one, well like the age of 12 or so. I am the oldest of four, and have helped with my siblings, babysat for SEVERAL family's children, worked in a daycare for 9 months, and most recently, was a nanny for 2 small little ones. I loved it. Kids are my world and where I belong. Well, as I have never seen or known so many mamams (blms's) and friends who are pregnant, or have just gave birth. I can't help but seeing them and missing being pregnant, all makes me want more! BUT, there are things in the way obv!

1) I just had my sweet Sadie, well feels like yesterday, but she is only 8 months old. And I have to enjoy my time with her while shes little!
2) There needs to be TWO to make a baby, right? And well, I am a single mother. Yes, mam I am! I am also NO where near having another baby, and thats been on my mind lately, too much actually, I even had a dream the other day I was pregnant! YIKES! I am afraid I won't meet the right guy who will accept Sadie and I or will want more children one day. BUT, if not, I am perfectly okay with just my little Sadie, and angel Naomi up in Heaven. I always did say I wanted 2 or 3 kiddies but if this is God's Plan, so be it.
3) I will be starting school in August and I want to graduate with that, (10 months), and be out of my parents home. Yes I realize that will probably be 1-2 years from now, or even longer, but I am willing to wait. I have to be financialy stable as well.

I just love being pregnant, minus the huge worries if I will get preeclampsia again or any other thing that may rise up. I have learned, a positive pregnancy test does not mean a baby in the end. Sadly, I know it all too well. And also, I did have severe preeclampsia TWICE, so I would be risking myself yet again and another babys life IF I decide to get pregnant again.

This is just been on my mind, but alot has to happen before I can go ahead and go for another one, HUGE things. I want to be married, be financially stable and have a job/finished school. I would love to have a little sibling for Sadie one day, and maybe by 5/6 years old so that way shed be mommy's helper! :)

Baby Fever...on HOLD PLEASE but not forever! :)

Sunday, May 15, 2011

No, I'm not lucky, I'm BLESSED, Yes.

Okay, so I didn't have much to really blog about until *right* now. And boy am I frustrated.

Do you see this right here?

I am in the green writing and my sister shes the other. We haven't spoke all weekend and normally my nephew is here, me watchinf him. Well, I decided to text her to see what was going on and if I was going to start again watching him four days a week. She just (well 5 weeks ago had extensive plastic surgery) and Her 25 lb son was here for a good portion of it and slept over while she healed. Yet you would have thought she would have done her freaking research before getting all of this done having an EIGHT and a half MONTH old. He is not self suffient, not near the age at all. She should have waited. But we all know, when she wants something she "has to have it her way" right then and there.

She was told two weeks recovery time for a tummy tuck, arms and breast lift. Ha, try again when you have a heavy load to lift. Anyways, the above convo just happened. And I am so annoyed and angry. Tell me otherwise if you think I am overreacting PUHLEASE! :)

When she responded "tues thru fri okay?" I about lost it. Her husband is off tues/wed/thurs. You would THINK that they would want to spend time together as a family and go on outings with him or just hang around the house. But, NO. They both could care, well less actually and it is just so so sad. My sister, does not work, nor go to school. She doesnt nescessairly need to, due to being "finiancially set " for a while. But sorry, money doesnt last forever. Her husband works a full day and he, gets up with him if needed at night to do "mommy duty" while my sister gets her full nights sleep. I am floored.

They both have NO friggen idea what so ever, what its like to be in my shoes. The pain and grief I have had to deal with and STILL deal with, they would not want. After I lost Naomi, my arms ached for her, for a baby, to be beyond exhausted, not be able to shower, to be awoken by a crying baby several times a night, To be spit up on, etc. I craved it all. All. And being a TWO TIME SURVIVOR OF SEVERE PREECLAMPSIA, again she has no idea how blessef she truely is. Had a non complicated easy going pregnancy FULL term, 40 weeks and some days. While I was robbed of the joys and excitement in both pregnancies more so in the first then second. I was beyond terrified when pregnant with Sadie. I kept thinking with every pain or feeling or kick of her " this would be it" its all going to come crashing down on me.

But, thankfully, I have my sweet baby girl with me today and she is my WORLD. Which, when you go from being just you, to having a family, they become your world. Right? But, sadly, not with them. They can buy him all the toys in the world yet when it comes down to it, he is not going to know his own parents.

One day, after she had her surgery, they came over to pick him up on a Tuesday since he wouls be off til friday. I got him up from a nap and brought him over to see her. He takes one look at her and she puts down his lower lip and clenches my shirt and puts his head into me and cries as if he had no idea who she was. I thought that that would have been an eye opener for her but apparently not. I mean, she does nothing all day now, and she could come by and visit with her own son and interact with him. It just upsets me and gets me mad. I don't understand it. And id never want her to understand what a loss of a hild is like. This is the time of all their firsts well some, and shes missing out. Unlike her, Ill have to go to school. And ill miss the heck out of my baby. Ugh.

I saw this book a few months ago anf although its sprta mean, but its true. I thought of my nephew, he will start thinking my mom and i are his mother. I hope she changes fat, but I frankly don't see it.

I just guess I have to worry about myself and my daughter. She is my world. I am told by my friends and family what a good mom I am and how such good care I take of her. Puts a smile upon my face. I don't have to be told. I am not a perfect mom, no matter how much anyone wanta to be, theres just so such thing. But I know, my love and my care is working because she is just so happy and always smiling makes me feel like my job is done at the end of the day.

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Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

I am a beautiful mother, a mother of two
Yes in deed, it's certainly true!

I wish you all a very Happy Mother's Day
Kick up your feet, relax and have it your way!

To those who's sweet babies are not physically here
Please know they love you so and are always near.

Naomi Hope & Sadie Marie, my daughters forever
One day, when it our time, we will be reunited together.

Today was a bittersweet Mother's Day. My dad gave me a hug and said "Happy Mother's Day. Just hearing that, i went into my room over to Naomi's memorial and opened the door to where she is. I touched her box and tears started streaming down my face. I talked to her, i told her i love her and that she made me a mommy the day she was born forever. I kissed her picture and tried to wipe my tears.

An hr later, my sister came over. I was excited because she had our gift we were both anxious to give to her. My sister gave my mom and i both beautiful boquet of flowers and gave me the funniest card! I got a laugh out of it, we all did. She certainly knows me!

She also gave me a $50 gift card to Kohls. Which was very nice of her. I feel bad because i didnt think to have gotten anything for her. Next year, i know better. Afterall, i do watch her son every week for little, i think i am exempt for a day. My mom loved her gift! My sister said she had been admiring her friends Pandora bracelets and so we picked out 6 charms. I happened to purchase the most expensive and colorful charms that "make" the bracelet. A "mom" charm and her birthstone color, august! She picked 3 girls and a boy (hense 4 of us). She was very happy with it and i bet she cant wait to show it off at work tomorrow.

My mom walked Sadie over to me with a balloon in her hand (happy mothers day balloon shaped in a heart and butterflies on it) and a huge candy bar (like mama needs chocolate) and a card. Filled it with a $1 and made her handprint. So very sweet.

This afternoon I went with my friend and het son to the water park. We had a very nice time. I even got to go on the big peoples slide! That, i hadn't done in a few years. She will like this park when she is more mobile!

I hope you all had a beautiful mothers day. And to those BLM's I have thought about you all dearly.

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Saturday, May 7, 2011

South Florida's First Annual Promise Walk for Preeclampsia!!!

Proteinuria, High blood pressure, sudden weight gain, blurred vision/changed vision, headaches, nausea are all signs of Preeclampsia. Some, are even *normal* symptoms of pregnancy. But, to a degree, they aren't. The Preeclampsia Foundation's motto is "Know the Symptoms, Trust Yourself".Boy do I wish I spoke up more or insisted they test or do something during my pregnancy with Naomi. For a good part of my pregnancy, I knew someting wasn't right. I couldn't pinpoint it I just had that "mothers gut". I remember when I was pregnat with Naomi, I started swelling on my ankles, feet and hands early on. I told my OB about it and she said "oh thats normal". To hell it was not. I was small, I didn't have really any "pregnant belly" for a while, actually not until my "end" did I start to show. I remember reading in the books that every doctors appointment they would measure your belly. Well, mine never did. She always said I have nothing to measure, well I wonder why. Naomi had IUGR (inauterine growth restriction). If she had done some poking and proding and maybe sent me for more testing, maybe they would have caught something? Who knows.But I will always wonder.

I just remember feeling AWFUL the night before my 28 week appointment. I was at my brother's baseball game and I left right after the game ended. I remember at my doctors appointment, they did an ultrasound and saw I had a short cervix and everyone was going haywire, but then decided they couldnt stitch me because of how far I was already. Then, from my urine dip, I had a 2+ of protein. I had no idea what that meant, but was sent later that day to a perinatoligst where he did an ultrasound and explained the reverse bloodflow from the placenta, Naomi's size, (IUGR), and mentioned Preeclampsia. I still didnt understand or get how serious it was, but I was admitted from there to the hospital. Thats when I stayed from Friday night, they did lab work and a 24 hr urine over the weekend and they were talking as if I wasn't going to be pregnant much longer, due to me being quite sick. Well, come Monday morning, my protein was up from 2+ on Friday, to 6+. And the cutoff is 5+. Well, I was sent for a c section STAT that morning and thats when I had my baby girl Naomi.

Preeclampsia. That word is forever the devil to me. Whenever I see pregnant woman, I think, will they develop it? I tell my friends, watch out, take your bp, watch your weight gain. I have one friend in paticular, she is 19 weeks, and she had a blood clotting disorder, and she knows she is a higher risk for developing preeclampsia. So I have been trying to remind her, yet not scare her, about the signs and what not. I just hate it. I hate it all. But, upon discovering the Preeclampsia Foundation website, I started posting on the forums a bit after Naomi passed away. I have "met" and came close with so many wonderful amazing woman, who get it. (Unfornately). They are all so kind and I have learned more than I knew then, which was nothing. I have even met two woman from there,(one is local and the other is a few hours away) through loss, it breaks my heart. But, I am glad we have found each other and are able to understand and come together in times.

A friend from there, happened to ask me on facebook a while back if I was attending the Promise Walk in my area. I thought, I had no idea there was one. So I did some googling and I found that it was right at my local water park!! I had participated in a huge team event and was a team Captain for the March of Dimes this year, and well I didnt feel right asking for money for them and for this, but I decided I will sign up and be a walker this year for the walk and next year I will for sure go all out and gather a huge team. I want to get awareness and inform others and have the Promise Walk be everywhere just as the March of Dimes is widely known. They say that it happens in 5-8% of pregnancies, but I just feel like its more common then they say.

So well, I happened to tell just one friend about it, her and I used to be quite close in 9th grade in highschool, and she said shed like to walk with Sadie and I. So we both registered and she came to my house this morning and we took baby Sadie and went. It was a small group, maybe about 30-40 of us all, but non the less, it only takes ONE, to start something. And it being South Floridas first walk, I think they did well! We got our tshirts and they had a DJ, and fruit and cereal bars to munch on and water. I thought was GREAT, because usually they have junk at these type of events. They had a few speakers, and two girls share their stories. I cried. The one sweet woman, happened to have lost her daughter at 29 weeks, stillborn, to severe preeclampsia 12 years ago. Imeediately the tears started to fall. I just couldn't help it. Because, well, my loss is still very close with me, and it stays with you forever. She then said she went on to have her son, at 35 weeks and he did spend a few days in nicu, but is alive and well today and I think was 9 years old.

There was a young girl, maybe my age, and shared her story. She said she was nervous, I could tell in her voice, but she lost her baby at 21 years old, at 25 weeks as well. Tears fell for her too. It just breaks my heart. After the speakers spoke and we were waiting to walk, I went up to the woman who lost her daughter 29 weeks and just hugged her and told her about my story briefly and we spoke. Then after, a mama came up to me and told me how sweet Sadie was. She asked if I was at the March of Dimes, I said yes and she said she was the one emailing all of us with things. I said, my team was Spider's Hope. She goes OHH!!! She knew us, because we were the biggest team, of 67 people. Just felt nice to see another face supporting a good cause.

The walk began, it was a small walk, I would have liked to walk longer, but its okay, They had a DJ rooting us on.

We each got a I KEPT MY PROMISE necklace type thing. My Sadiekind kind of destroyed it with her baby drool. But, we DID IT! It felt good to come out and support this cause, yet it made me sad, all of the mommies and families who have to go through this and go through a loss it is just beyond heart wrenching, I cant explain it. But I will for sure make a big team next year and go all out. I am proud. This is for Naomi Hope and all the mommies and babies born too soon and lost.

I hope one day, there will be better testing, more management and care and one day, ONE DAY A CURE FOR PREECLAMPSIA! I know that there are LOTS of walks going on today around the Nation so I hope everyones walks went well and THANK YOU for supporting us all!

*Naomi Hope, Benji Spider, Cara Angel, Nolan, Mikey* we miss you and love you all very much.


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