Sunday, November 7, 2010
I don't know what exactly it is about today, but I feel down, or I could say a bit depressed. I have kept in my tears all day today, besides crying a little bit in the car earlier when we went jet skiing with the family, and since then I just have been quiet and just all in all sad.
I think alot about the "father" of Sadie/Naomi. Its just such a shame that things had to be the way they are, and that he has to be the way he is. I think often how I wish I can have him meet his daughter, and us be civil, but NO WAY would it EVER be that way. It hurts alot. Yet I knew how he was and I ventured out and got pregnant again. I couldn't help it through my grief, I was so hurt, so distraught, so lost, confused, angry, just everything. Yet now I am alone, I feel alone. I know I am not the only single mom out there, breaks my heart. Yes I have my family, who are amazing and helping me out, I cant thank enough. But I just keep thinking, HOW will I EVER get out of my home? I am 23 years old, dont even have my own car, and yet my 15 year old sister is on a better path than I am.
I want Naomi & Sadie to be proud of their mama. I feel like I haven't done squat with my life. I need to go back to school, I need a job, I want to get a job, to be social again, and heck, to support my beautiful little girl. I just don't know how I can do it all. I know it gets done all the time. I just am SO lost, how do I start, WHERE do I start? HOW do I get back on my own two feet and someday venture out on my own with my daughter?
I am scared, very scared about it, being on my own, but heck, Ive done it before pretty much, even tho being married, I was pretty much independent on my own. So I CAN do it, I just don't know when or how it will be done. I have SO much to learn, to cook, thats a huge thing I want to learn before I go on my own, and so many other things. I feel like I don't have control of things. I want my life to go in a positive direction for once. I want to be able to say I am doing alot with my self I want to be proud of myself. I don't have much positive right now to say about myself and that makes me sad, hurt.
Today, I ate a meal and I just gobbled it down. I then had 2 pieces of bread with some spread on it, and 2 icecream pops, and a cookie I made. I feel like I BINGED. I felt like I was stuffing down my feelings with food. And, to those may not know, I had dealt with eating disorders at 14-21. I went through bits of anorexia, bulimia, and binging disroder. For a good year and a half I binged and binged, I balloned up to 155 lbs, at my small 5'1 frame. That was the biggest I had ever gotten. I NEVER thought it would come to an end, but it has and I am SO thankful I am done with all that. But today, I just don't know I feel sad. I feel depressed. I've got to do something about it. I just feel like I want things to be perfect, I want to be perfect, I want to do everything right for Sadie, I want to do everything on my list, I want to do everything, its impossible tho to do everything. I always make lists and I never get what I am supposed to do done. I am VERY limited in money, and I worry about it yet my parents do help me, but I am 23 for goodness sakes, and they have my brother & sister to take care of. I get worried, how will I ever build myself out of this mess?
I am also missing Naomi, as always. I watched her video the other day with Sadie in my arms. I just cried silently as it began. That was the 2nd time I watched it. Very hard, yet I still cannot believe she is gone. I heard myself talking to her, and the beeps, just so surreal sometimes still. I miss her. I always will.
I want to record and not miss any of Sadie's accomplishments and happenings. I take pictures of her daily, and I feel like I can't get enough of her! She makes me the happiest little mama. I want to get a book and start making her photos and make a beautiful book for her to keep as well. But again, the money. I want to get photo frames and have her pictures around my room as I have Naomi's on her little desk. I want to have matching things, but I don't, I got what I have and I am thankful for. I look at the other mommies, with thier husbands and everything seems to well managed, and I get upset, I dont have that nor will I? I hope to someday, meet a guy who will accept Sadie and I in his life. But first, I have got to get me situated, my schooling, my work, and of course make sure Sadie has all the love & things she needs. Its not easy, but I know it can be done. I just have to have <3 HOPE <3...