Thursday, April 29, 2010

Naomi's birthday

After all the worry and anxiety and sadness about the whole nights event coming up, I made it. Naomi's birthday was absolutely beautiful. I could NOT have done it without the help of my wonderful mom. She bought the food and helped with the balloons and other nicknacks and setting up and getting things together.

We arrived at the park, and soon my friends started arriving. Not as many people showed as they said, which I think is kind of rude, I mean I can understand other events or something, but THIS, this is important, a celebration of a life, so short, but that made me a mother. But its okay, because the most important people that I cared about and cared about me, were there! I thank each & every one of you so much. Also for all the birthday wishes and thoughts and candles lit for my angel.

We had food, chatted, had cupcakes, that were ABSOLUTELY beautifully made by my best friend. She is a baker, so perfect, so I wasn't hesitant at all to ask, & she was glad to help. We all then got together and signed balloons. Thats the only time I started to cry. My best friend looked at me just as I was about to write my message to Naomi, she asked if I was okay, and I said no. She came up and held me as I did a little crying. I didn't want to lose it and let it all out there, so I quickly stopped, wrote my message and we were off to release the balloons.

It was a beautiful night and couldn't ask for more. I receieved a few gifts, very unexpected. My mom bought me a beautiful charm bracelet, with a heart engraved with Naomi Hope on it, with a butterfly as a charm, an angel as a charm, and a babyfeet pendent on the back with her birth date (for her 1st birthday 2010). She said she had wished she could buy all my pain away and cried with me and gave me a hug. I also recieved a beautiful snowglobe with a written inscription on it and with Naomi Hope and her birthday as well. The music made me cry, I played it with the candles lit at night with her pictures around.

When I got home, I relit the candles for Naomi to continue burning until 12 midnight and my mom came in and turned off the light and she sang Happy Birthday, I couldn't bring myself to sing. Then at 1am this morning (April 28th) I realized I didn't even put in a candle. I quickly rummaged through my moms things didn't find a candle but then found the number "1" and I thought perfect. I put it on top the cupcake and lit it and sang to her myself as tears streamed down my face, didn't want to blow it out, but I had to.

I was so happy with how everything turned out but it was quite an emotional day, but I hope my beautiful angel was happy with what her mama and "mom mom" did in celebration of her beautiful life even tho it was cut so short, WAY too soon.

Love you beautiful angel, so much & miss you dearly.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


As the clock turned 12:00 April, 27 last night, I started bawling my eyes out. I lay in bed just waiting for it to turn. After I was able to calm down from about 10 minutes of crying, I talked to my beautiful angel & through more tears, managed to say "Happy 1st Birthday Naomi". I couldn't bring myself to say the words.

I awoke this morning to go to a mass my neighbor had arranged last June after she passed, to be on her 1st birthday this year. I was surprised that both my sisters and brother came along with my mom & I. I was not expecting that at all, my one sister & I are not on the best of terms, nor my brother. But that made me happy. He also made a donation (first one) to this box I plan on having at Naomi's birthday celebration tonight, that will go to our team in memory of her.

After the mass, my mom & I went to the grocery store to pick up things for tonight. We are having her birthday celebration at a nice local park, with some food and snacks, and my best friend is making cupcakes. I asked her to do it because she is a BEAUTIFUL baker, and does it ever so perfectly. I wouldn't have asked anyone to do so. She has done SO much for me and continues to do so, I couldn't ask for a better friend than her. We will also be reading "Sweet Dreams Mimi". A book that I had bought before she was born, the only book I had bought for her. I used to nanny and they had that book and I thought it would be perfect for her because "mimi" is a nickname for Naomi. So my mom asked if it would be okay to read that. I'm not so sure I will be able to, but if not Im sure my mom will.

I went back to sleep after we got home, I am not used to getting up so early anymore,while my mom preparred some things for tonight. I felt guilty but I just couldn't do it. I am very nervous, and sad about tonight. I keep crying on and off all day today. I thought maybe I shouldn't have planned something like this but I wanted to. I just don't know how its all going to go and I dont want to be a mess in front of everyone. But they "understand".

My mom bought me a gift yesterday of sweetpea candles & sweetpea lotion set. She said she wished she can buy all my sadness and bring Naomi back. I didn't think much of it but then she told me I would always call Naomi "sweetpea" in the NICU. So thats why my mom got that set for me. I have both the 2 candles burning today on her special day.

My mom also gave me another gift this afternoon, a beautiful little jewelry box engraved with Naomi Hope and hearts and in memory. A beautiful charm bracelet as well with her name engraved on a heart, an angel, babyfoot prints, and a butterfly.

I just wish today was a happier day. I remember speaking to my mom this morning about how my mom and sister didnt think they would make it to be there for my surgery but they rushed over and my mom told me today she remembered trying to get a peek of Naomi but the curtains were tightly closed. She then remembers seeing lots of doctors/nurses around her and then taking her off to the NICU and in her little room in her incubator seeing her for the first time. They said she was so tiny but so perfect.

Oh I miss my beautiful sweetpea, & love her so much.

Dear my sweet Naomi,

You made me a mommy on this day last year, I will never forget it. I remember hearing a cat's meow as mommy explains it to everyone as tears streamed down my face. I was a MOMMY! A proud mommy at that. You were only here for such a short period of time, but mommy is so very blessed to have been able to meet you, and share you with my friends & family. You touched so many lives in such a short period, and will continue to do so. Not a day goes by that I do not think of you and the joy you brought to my life. I will continue keeping you & our story alive, and helping other mommies along the way as well. I hope you are celebrating up in Heaven with your angel friends and one day, I will be up there with you too, holding you and giving you lots of love, kisses & hugs. I love you Naomi Hope. Happy 1st Birthday and 1st year in Heaven.

Love always

your mommy

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Signs & Birthday on its way here...

Yesterday, April 23rd, I felt Naomi was all around me, yet it was hard. When I went for a walk in the morning with my dog, a beautiful yellow butterfly was flapping its wings and fluttering around and I kept staring at it and smiled, and then looked upon the sky and kept on walking. Later during the day I had a planned lunch with my sister, mom, and mom's friend, that didn't really go. But thats another story.

When my mom and I arrived together, we sat in the car for a minute before getting out and I saw a yellow butterfly fluttering in front of the car through the front window. I was like wow, another yellow butterfly, and they are bright yellow. Such beautiful creatures. Again, I thought, Naomi, youre everywhere.

I went in Applebees, and met with my sister & moms friend. We were talking for maybe 10 15 minutes, well they were, I just didnt feel like talking much, I ordered a beverage. Then all of a sudden I just had to run to the restroom and I started bawling my eyes out. I couldn't stop. I then was able to calm myself somewhat and I went back to the table but asked my mom for the keys, I didn't want to sit anymore for lunch even though I ordered my food. I even started crying in the restraunt, not like me and I ran out.

I sat in the car and started crying some more to let it out fully. I then thought let me turn on the radio. Out of all songs, all stations, the song "Home" by Chris Daughtry was on and playing. I started crying even more. That song was playing when Naomi was born. I thought what is going on today??? Then I also saw the yellow butterfly again, but this time it fluttered in front of the car for maybe a few seconds and then went away. As if Naomi was saying hi mommy and that shes with me.

So well then later on yesterday, my best friend and I had a sleepover at my parents beach condo but before that we decided to have some dinner. We went to Pei Wei. We sat down had our food and I opened my fortune cookie. I about almost had a heart attack. I was shocked, yet couldnt cry. I told my best friend youre not going to believe this, heck I still dont. And I never read much into fortunes, im not one for them. But I read it to her. "A small gift can bring joy to the whome family". This fortune has a special meaning to it as well as what it reads. After I had Naomi, shortly after, possibly a day or 2 after, my father brought me in a fortune, when I was in the hospital, and it read exactly those same words. I was just beyond shocked.

What a day full of being surrounded by Naomi and or some signs.

Naomi's birthday is in 3 more days (pretty much 2) and I cannot believe it. Tonight I was making a box, wrapping it, and cutting a hole in it, to be at Naomi's party. I started crying as I was decorating it, I just couldn't believe it. I can't. The box is for donations in leu of gifts, for our March of Dimes team walk on May 8th. We will give the donations we receive to our team, for the MOD.

I am thinking maybe I shouldn't have planned a little party or get together for her. I am just imaginging I will be so emotional. I have about 7 to 8 friends coming and 2 family members. Yet its her day, and I want to make it special. She made me a mommy and we are celebrating Naomi's life .

Friday, April 16, 2010

Still irritated & not so good memories

Last night, I was invited by an old high school acquitance to go and see her best friend's husband in the hospital in the ICU. I thought I should go because I have always said I would see her but never have or gotten around to it and I figure she could use some company while basically her husband is on his way to lose his battle with his disease.

As I was walking with my friend up to the hospital, I started panicking thinking "Omg, what did I get myself into? HES ON A VENTILATOR. Naomi was on a ventilator, then a jet ventilator on her last few days of life. I thought I can't go in there and see this, I just can't. I thought I can't just leave, shes my ride." I figure I will try and suck it up since she is going through a hard time.

We went in and I had never met him before, and he was just very out of it but seeing him like that I felt so bad, yet I started having flashbacks of my little sweet Naomi laying in her incubator with the ventilator. I just tried to focus my attention on talking with my 2 friends and not looking at him as much, even though hearing the machine go and all the beeping noises, I couldn't take it very much longer.

Finally we left after maybe a good 30-40 minutes. The wife (our friend) walks us out and we all start talking in the parking lot. Meanwhile, my friend is pregnant, has the belly, and is due this August. She pulled out a cigarette and started smoking!!! I was stunned. I thought how in the hell can someone do such a thing, to enhale smoke to their unborn child. Just made me so sick, I was ready to yap my mouth to her but I thought I better not, yes I know she is going through alot, but hell one of my good friends is also very pregnant and used to smoke but QUIT the day she found out she wsa pregnant. & the fact she knows what happened with me, just appauled me. She said shes smoked with her 1.5 yr old when pregnant with him and he turned out fine. "Im sure he may appear that way, wait till hes older and he starts having problems". I hope not.

I hate the smell of smoke anyways, I can't stand being around people who smoke, and I stay clear away from it as it it. Just made me so sick to see that, and I've seen it one other time, I just do NOT understand it, and never will.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I am losing it

I just had a huge breakdown that I haven't had in a while. I was laying in bed, and I keep looking at the date on my phone. April 14, the means 13 more days until Naomi's birthday. I have no idea what I want to do exactly or who to invite or have it small. I am clueless. My brain just does not seem to want to function. I took out my pregnancy journal and reread my entries, and the last one was April 18th, and I wad admitted April 24th. I took out her memorial box that the hospital gave me and took out her little famous yellow hat.

I just started bawling my eyes out. I took a hold of Naomi too. I just was screaming and calling out her name. This can't be real. She can't be gone. She is. I keep thinking by repeating her name over and over loud and louder, some miracle will happen and she will appear. I couldn't contain myself into my mother heard me and came to my rescue. I feel like I have not seen Naomi in forever, yet in a way it feels like I just gave birth to her yesterday. All I want it to see her again, hold her. I miss her SO much, more than words can explain. The love I have for her, is endless. I love that little girlie so so so much.

I can't believe I still hurt this much, but possibly because her birthday is just about 2 weeks away.

Saturday, April 24th, I am invited to a memorial tree planting, lunch, and live butterfly release. There was one held in October last year, but it was still very fresh (in June) from losing Naomi and could not bring myself to go. I want to try and go this year. Just so happens that April 24th, a year ago, was exactly when I got admitted into the hospital. My mom is working that day, I may go alone, or ask my best friend to attend with me. I am not so sure. But I am definitely going.

There is a wonderful mommy working on a video/collage of Naomi's pictures and videos. I am sort of excited to see the finished product and hoping to be able to show it around Naomi's birthday. If not, thats okay too!

I just want her to know that she is a loved little girl and is missed dearly.

Just also found out 2 days ago, it TORE me apart, that my younger yet almost same age as me sister, is expecting, due at the end of August, with a little boy. I had kind of figured or guessed awhile ago but was never confirmed until 2 days ago. I noticed she was getting bigger but didnt have that "belly" or "pregnant look". And just like always I am kept in the dark about EVERYTHING, and am the LAST to know, yet I am the oldest. Yet I would have been mad if my mother kept it from me longer. I bawled my eyes out once I found out. She is married, and is basically "all set" financially. I am not happy for her..not yet at least. I was saying all negative things out of hurt & anger. But I did confront her today and told her Congrats and she looked at me with a sad face.

My mom kept saying, youre going to be an Aunt and I can help her, because she knows absoutely nothing about babies. The only baby she held in her life was my daughter, Naomi. In time, I hope to be happy, just now, I'm not. I think, shes going to have a baby shower, everything is just going to be all excitement. I remember when my mom was starting a blanket for Naomi. Naomi was their first grandchild ever. And now shes not here anymore, and now they move on to this. It just hurts.

I am in a situation, will explain in another post but I am not happy about it, scared, and just it hasn't hit me yet either. My head is just 10000 places at once.
I don't know how to continue on, I really dont. My life has gone to pieces ever since, I cant seem to want to go out and find a job and or help myself. No one else can do the job for me, I have to. I keep saying I need to work on things but I dont. Time is just flying by, and nothing is being done.

I just know that if Naomi were here, things wouldn't be this way. Yes it would be difficult im sure with a preemie baby, but I know I would manage. I just dont know what to do in this situation, with the rest of my life. Its scary, growing up is so scary, I just want to hide in my room forever, but I know I cant. I need to face "life" again. I am just terrified.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

10 months

Today marks 10 months that my sweet Naomi has been gone. Lately, and especially the last few days, I have been remembering a LOT. Last night, I was texting with my best friend, about the memories. She was surprised at how much I remembered. Of course, I will never forget anything.

She remembered the morning I called her, she was getting ready for work, and I called her and said "she didn't make it". She was pretty upset, and went into work and her coworkers noticed her the way she had been and let her have the day off after she explained and she came to my side. I remember that day as she pointed out, I did not want to go home nor could I, so her parents got us a hotel for 2 nights. Her and her family have done and continue to do SO much for me. I want to do something in return, they are amazing.

I know I shouldn't think about her passing and think about the wonderful 35 days that she was here. I remember a few days before she passed, this nurse was having trouble with the pharmacy in the hospital with getting Naomi's medicine that she needed PROMPTLY because of how sick she was. My mom and I were there and the nurse started aruging and getting on the persons case on the phone demanding that the medicine be brought up asap. My mom and I were really happy with the way she handled it and was taking care of my Naomi. She said "I fight for my babies."

I was thinking, last night, I didn't even send ANY thank you cards for people who attended her funeral. I feel awful, but I know I wasn't in my head for quite some time after everything. I don't know if now is way too late or senseless? I have to rememember who went, it means so much to me even two of my dads best friends came, and 2 of my favorite nurses that took care of Naomi came and the NICU director. I want to send them all a thank you for all that they did and took care of my Naomi. She was a very loved little girl and is a loved little girlie. I was reading last night her NICU summary as well, and got to the big paragraph of May 31st/June 1 when they spent a whole TWO hours on Naomi from 3:45 til 5:38. It amazed me, how long and how much they tried. I look back on it now and it didnt feel like 2 hours being in there.

I will close off with a youtube video of my beautiful angel Naomi Hope. I am SO thankful I was able to get this and 2 other videos of her. This was when she was so very active. There was a couple next to her with their baby singing and I think she was reacting to that.
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