Friday, November 26, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful and blessed
We love all of the tasty food, please clean up your mess!

Turkey, Green bean casserole, stuffing and more
Look out now, to bne surprised by yummies galore!

I am thankful for my family,friends, my health, Sadie, my angel Naomi, & a roof over my head
And will also be thankful after this huge lovely meal for my nice and comfy bed!

As I said above, I am thankful for so many things this year. I did have a nice thanksgiving this year but it was still a bit hard & sad. I did well all day but at the end before we were about to eat, I got sad & teary eyed. I started thinking how I was last year and how still a piece of me is missing and forever will be missed. Earlier ysterday, I went jet skiing with my 2 sisters, brother in law and dad, and the 2 babies on the intercoastal at John Loyd Park. There was a beautiful bright yellow butterfly that flew in my direction for a minute and then fluttered off. I immediately smiled yet then my heart sank, I said out loud , Happy Thanksgiving Naomi, I love you. I believe the butterfly was Naomi coming around on this day to let me know she is around me everywhere I go.

On Wednesday, I took my daughter Sadie, to the hospital where Naomi was born. I had wanted to bring some clothes to the NICU that Sadie outgrew in memory of her big sister Naomi. The whole time driving there I had knots in my stomach and chest. I got there and I just started to glance around and tried to just remain calm and breathe. I started to get teary eyed waiting in the line to check in for security. The woman remembered me and I had explained why I was there. She gave me a pass and I entered the elevator. The elevator. The one that I ran to and came out of that day that I would soon learn I would lose my Naomi. We went up there to see the head NICU lady and she gave me a hug and took me to go into the nicu, not where the babies were but in the front of it before the babies. And some nurses came out to see Sadie. About 3 or 4 of them came out and all marveled around her.

I guess it all overwhelmed me & I started to cry. They simply said she is beautiful and they held her as I ran downstairs to get the big box of clothes. They were happy to have got the clothes to use for a family, especially around the holidays it would come in handy. I felt good doing it. So I did make it, I was worried about it all week but I did it. I even saw the nicu doctor that had atteneded to Naomi a few times.

I am glad I went & made it. It was a year about since I had been back and it was just hard. I thank my friends for giving me support and cheering me on for being able to go.

Sunday, November 21, 2010


So...this week, Tuesday or Wednesday I will be going to Plantation General Hospital with Sadie to take some of her outgrown clothes of hers and bring them to the NICU that Naomi was in a year and almost half ago. I thought there was no better place to where they should go, in memory of my sweetpea Naomi. As I think about it, I picture myself walking in there, I can already smell the smell of the familiar hospital, I can see in my head the secuirty desk, I can see the little room I would always wait in around 6:30 til 8pm when they had shift change and the nurses can talk about the other babies with other nurses to catch up on them. I can see the familiar vending machine inside that room where I would always get my brownie bites while I waited. I can see down the hall to where the cafe is and where I would always go and get my bagel & apple juice in the morning after seeing Naomi. I can see the elevators that would lead me to the 2nd floor where the NICU was. I can see where I walk down that hall to ring the doorbell and them buzz me in, I can see the NICU desk, I can see the water & soap station where I would scrub up before going in to see her. I can see the other door that leads to Naomi and the rest of the babies. I can see the issolettes. I can see that Naomi's is no longer occupied by her. I can see that she is no longer there or here. I know that she is gone & it still KILLS me.

When I speak of her, or that she is gone or that I lost her, sometimes it just comes out of my mouth so naturally. It shouldn't. I shouldn't have to say that I lost my daughter. I am forever known as a mommmy of an angel. My stomach is in knots as I write this. I know I am doing a very good thing to help other mommies in need of clothing for their baby girls. I want to see the nurses & head NICU lady that came to Naomi's funeral. I was told to come either those two days so mroe staff can be there so they can meet Naomi's little sister. I don't know how I will be, will I cry? Will I tear up? Or will I try and be brave, and hold it in and just explode after I leave? I don't know, but I am still going to go. I have to, I want to.

Earlier today, my grandma was looking at my shelf of Naomi's memorial and told me I need to have Sadie's picture up there too. I imediately said NO! That is Naomi's place and I will have Sadie's pictures up in another area of my room. I don't feel right putting pictures of Sadie on Naomi's area. I could, maybe one, they are sisters, but I just don't know if I feel okay with that.

Today, I was also approached by a guy standing behind me in line of starbucks. He noticed Sadie, and comments let me guess 9 weeks? I said yes, we got to talking, he ended up having a 9 week old as well. He asked if I had her at PGH (the hospital pretty much down a few block from the Starbucks). I immediately said no, Memorial Miramar I said. I explained how I lost my first born at that hospital last year and i just did not want to go back to that hospital. Or well my mom suggested I try another hospital. Just because of the memories there and all that. I still can't believe this is all happened to me sometimes. I feel like so much time has passed yet I feel like sometimes it just happened yesterday,

I remember the day I lost her. I remember a few hours after, I was outside in front of the hospital with my best friend and another friend and my mom & dad. I remember it raining and I ran down the street just running and running, I wanted to go into the street. I remember collasping down on the sidewalk in the rain just screaming and crying. I remember my mom and dad on the grass on the phone with funeral arrangements, I remember my mo masking me what I wanted, I remember yelling just you guys both do what you decide. I rememebr I just could NOT and did NOT want to do anything reguarding that. I could not think, how could I? Sometimes I wish I had had some say in it, I wish I got to put her in her outfit to wear. I didn't. My mom did all of that. I just could not. My heart seems to be racing now. I just am rehashing it all. I guess I need to. I feel sick. I miss her. I really really miss her. And to know that today, tomorrow, every day several mommmies & families will experience this painful painful loss that will forever shape the rest of their lives. It just kills me.

Am I ready to go back? Its been almsot a year since I was last there. I was there in December for a support group meeting. I can do this. I want to do this. For my Naomi & other mommies.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Two months..

I cannot believe my sweet Sadie is 2 months old already. Boy does the time just FLY by! I have seen so much of her already, her progressing, she smiles when I talk to her, she is starting to babble and make little sounds, it is just the cutest thing ever. She weighs almost 9 lbs, yes on the small end compared to other babies, but Dr said she will catch up within a year hopefully. I cannot wait until I get to experience all of life with my little girl. I can't wait to see the other milestones with her. She lights up my world. I look at her and just feel all the love, I still in a way cannot believe she is here, and that she is mine! All mine . I love her with every sole of my body, her and her big sister forever.

I cannot explain how much joy she has brought to my life. Yet I still feel empty, and I miss my dear Naomi so much. Some day I will struggle break the words to Sadie about her big sister. I will have to answer question that she has, but I will, it happened, and she forever will be remembered every day, every holiday, no time will she not go remembered.

Yesterday, I had a dentist apt, and I had explained how I was pregnant last time at another office so I only got a limited x-ray done there. So I was asked by the tech "first one?" I said, "no, I had my first born, my first daughter last year, and she passed away". "Oh, well for this little girl you have all that much more love to give to her". Ummmm, excuse me, I thought, NO. I just kept quiet, yet it hurt. Thats not how it is. I will love them each the same, more love is not generated towards one of the other. That just bothered me a bit, I should have said something but they wouldn't understand.

Then today, I met up with a friend and her baby boy Ethan for lunch. As we were leaving, one of the waitresses commented on my butterfly tattoo on my foot. Asked if it had hurt or how bad the pain was. I explained not bad compared to this dinky one on my hand (and the one on my hand is just an outline of a star). Well anyways, she said, she daughter loved dragonflies and passed away a couple years ago and she was debating wheather or not to get a dragonfly done on her foot, or wanted it over her heart. I just stopped quick in my tracks and wanted to tear up. And my friend and I both looked at each other, we both know the pain. We both lost our baby girls last year. I wanted to say something to her but I didn't. The whole way home I had cried, I thought I should go back and show her my tattoo I had done in honor & memory of Naomi. It just pains me, no child should go before their parents, its just not the way things should be. :(

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Feeling a bit down...

I don't know what exactly it is about today, but I feel down, or I could say a bit depressed. I have kept in my tears all day today, besides crying a little bit in the car earlier when we went jet skiing with the family, and since then I just have been quiet and just all in all sad.

I think alot about the "father" of Sadie/Naomi. Its just such a shame that things had to be the way they are, and that he has to be the way he is. I think often how I wish I can have him meet his daughter, and us be civil, but NO WAY would it EVER be that way. It hurts alot. Yet I knew how he was and I ventured out and got pregnant again. I couldn't help it through my grief, I was so hurt, so distraught, so lost, confused, angry, just everything. Yet now I am alone, I feel alone. I know I am not the only single mom out there, breaks my heart. Yes I have my family, who are amazing and helping me out, I cant thank enough. But I just keep thinking, HOW will I EVER get out of my home? I am 23 years old, dont even have my own car, and yet my 15 year old sister is on a better path than I am.

I want Naomi & Sadie to be proud of their mama. I feel like I haven't done squat with my life. I need to go back to school, I need a job, I want to get a job, to be social again, and heck, to support my beautiful little girl. I just don't know how I can do it all. I know it gets done all the time. I just am SO lost, how do I start, WHERE do I start? HOW do I get back on my own two feet and someday venture out on my own with my daughter?

I am scared, very scared about it, being on my own, but heck, Ive done it before pretty much, even tho being married, I was pretty much independent on my own. So I CAN do it, I just don't know when or how it will be done. I have SO much to learn, to cook, thats a huge thing I want to learn before I go on my own, and so many other things. I feel like I don't have control of things. I want my life to go in a positive direction for once. I want to be able to say I am doing alot with my self I want to be proud of myself. I don't have much positive right now to say about myself and that makes me sad, hurt.

Today, I ate a meal and I just gobbled it down. I then had 2 pieces of bread with some spread on it, and 2 icecream pops, and a cookie I made. I feel like I BINGED. I felt like I was stuffing down my feelings with food. And, to those may not know, I had dealt with eating disorders at 14-21. I went through bits of anorexia, bulimia, and binging disroder. For a good year and a half I binged and binged, I balloned up to 155 lbs, at my small 5'1 frame. That was the biggest I had ever gotten. I NEVER thought it would come to an end, but it has and I am SO thankful I am done with all that. But today, I just don't know I feel sad. I feel depressed. I've got to do something about it. I just feel like I want things to be perfect, I want to be perfect, I want to do everything right for Sadie, I want to do everything on my list, I want to do everything, its impossible tho to do everything. I always make lists and I never get what I am supposed to do done. I am VERY limited in money, and I worry about it yet my parents do help me, but I am 23 for goodness sakes, and they have my brother & sister to take care of. I get worried, how will I ever build myself out of this mess?

I am also missing Naomi, as always. I watched her video the other day with Sadie in my arms. I just cried silently as it began. That was the 2nd time I watched it. Very hard, yet I still cannot believe she is gone. I heard myself talking to her, and the beeps, just so surreal sometimes still. I miss her. I always will.

I want to record and not miss any of Sadie's accomplishments and happenings. I take pictures of her daily, and I feel like I can't get enough of her! She makes me the happiest little mama. I want to get a book and start making her photos and make a beautiful book for her to keep as well. But again, the money. I want to get photo frames and have her pictures around my room as I have Naomi's on her little desk. I want to have matching things, but I don't, I got what I have and I am thankful for. I look at the other mommies, with thier husbands and everything seems to well managed, and I get upset, I dont have that nor will I? I hope to someday, meet a guy who will accept Sadie and I in his life. But first, I have got to get me situated, my schooling, my work, and of course make sure Sadie has all the love & things she needs. Its not easy, but I know it can be done. I just have to have <3 HOPE <3...
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