Monday, June 7, 2010

Venting..feelings -I just want you to go away!

This may be something I should write in my journal, but I am upset & crying and just need to get it out now, and I am a fast typist so here it goes.

I just feel so utterfly lost again. I wish I wasn't having these feelings, for my own sister. I feel like a bad person for them. My 21 yr old sister is pregnant, due at the end of August with a boy. Yes, I will be an Aunt. Just like she is/was to my sweet Naomi. My sister is having her baby shower this Saturday, June 12th, at my parents house, where I still am living. I am only 22 years old. I have been freaking about this event and just I would say "jealous" about it since I have known about it.

It upsets me because every other word or talk around this house is mentioning of my sisters baby shower and or her. I feel like I am left out. I am the oldest of 4 and for some time my mom has been quite close with my sister. They are always together it seems like and I feel like I am just not included in things. Yes my grandma and my mom went to go to SamsClub to gather things for the day, which is 5 days away. My grandmother wanted me to come, um no thank you. I have the wrong attitude for it all I KNOW. I just cant get past these feelings. I want to, I REALLY do. But when I think about it all, it makes me so sad & just sick feeling. Especially the fact how she couldn't go to Naomi's 1st birthday celebration, but under certain circumstances.

Family, and friends will be here at the house and neighbors, a baby shower should and is a happy thing. But you know, I think, in my situation, baby showers don't make it sure that a baby will come home with you near your duedate. Because of everything that happened to me, I just cant deal with baby showers. I haven't ever been invited to one, until, quite funny, not really but shortly after my daughter's death. I was like WTH! But I declined every time. My sister's would be the first one I would be going to. I am jealous & hurt because I didn't get to have one with Naomi, but one was about to be planned in the works just shortly before I had her. But I feel as if for my sister they are going all out (my parents). It hurts. They made up backyard nicer and just doing so much. I want to be happy for my sister & her husband, but I am not close with her anymore like I used to when we were younger.

I just do not know how to let go of these feelings. I have it set in my mind that I am not going to go and will spend the day with my best friend. But my mom is trying to tell me to at least go for an hr or 2. I don't want to see my neighbors and family and have them ask questions to me, my mom said they wont. Or I dont want them looking at me with sympathy or either asking what I have been up to. I have nothing to say. I haven't done much. I am not working, not in school, I need to be. I need to straighten out my life!

So basically by saying that to me "all attention will be on your sister". Gee thanks Mom. I feel like if I do try & go, I will end up crying and making a mess of myself & I don't want to even put myself in that situation, yet I feel maybe after its all over I may regret not going. I don't know what to do. I just wish I had my sweet Naomi here and everything would be great. But its not.

For once, I need a positive blog post, I really do. And or maybe something off topic besides my feelings all the time & negativity. Maybe tomorrow I can have some good news to talk about. I pray I will.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

I just feel down today

I am watching the rain pour from my computer window, just grey and miserable outside right now. I can't stop thinking about tomorrow. I shouldn't think about it, but I can't help it. First off, we hit the UGLY month of June. To some its a beautiful month but to me its not. The very first day of June last year was when my beautiful little sweetpea Naomi was taken away from me. So when June 1st came around, the days just leading up to it was very hard. I cried & screamed like it has happened all over again. I remember details of it, I will never forget. Tomorrow, is June 6th. The 1 yr anniversary of her funeral. My daughter's funeral. What the hell?? I sometimes still think I am in a fricken nightmare that I just cant wake up from. Sometimes when I am in the pool or out with my friends or just sitting around my house, I think to myself, I should be busy with my sweet Naomi, I feel a sense of emptyness still like something is missing.

Naomi is missing, oh so much. I just want her back. I will never see her precious face again, hear her tiny tiny little cries, or see her take her first steps. Nothing. Never in a million years did I and I am sure no mother, would have thought anything would happen like this. Yes Naomi was very sick but not once did it cross my mind, maybe towards the last day or so yes but I thought she would pull through. I remember not having any thing "black" to wear for that dreadful day. I went with my mom to the mall a few days before and we were about to go into a store to look and I just started bawling my eyes out that I could not go in there and wanted to leave. I remember flicking off a tmobile phonesales person when asking me if I wanted something with my phone. I was so angry, in a cloud, with all the emotions from when I first lost my daughter. I was a mess. Cursing at people, yelling, just not caring at all.

I remember everything that day about her funeral. I shouldn't go back or think about this right, I am ready to be in tears. I have a lot on my mind now and Ive got to let it out. I just can picture her little face, when going in to see her for the first time in the "home". I started screaming & crying. I remember it all. I miss my angel so much.

I just wish this all would end. Yes I am in a new situation now, but it still doesn't make things automatically go better. I wish. It doesn't. The pain is still very much there and never does a day go by that I do not think about Naomi or wish she were here with me.

I have came across more blogs of mommies, and it tears me apart, mommies who have lost babies and or children. I cry every time I come across another one. But yet like another blogger had said in a entry of hers, I feel a connection with lots of you. I am so thankful to be able to have met the friends/mommies even though not in person, just yet. It really helps, with others who truly understand. Yes my friends have been there for me but some just still dont understand how I can still be hurting or the way I am thinking or feeling. So I want to thank each & every one of you who has reached out their hand & said a few words, even just to say I am thinking about you or lighting a candle for my beautiful little angel. THANK YOU!
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