Monday, December 13, 2010
I cant believe the time is already here. The holidays have came upon us just as quickly as they left last year. The holidays should be a happy and exciting time, but to be honest, I am not all smiles...Yes, my beautiful Sadie is here with mommy, and I am EVER so thankful for that, she is what I craved for after I lost Naomi. But, I just find myself having my days to where I just still cant believe she is gone. I remember how distraught i was last year this time. I can barely remember last December honestly. I just wanted it to fly on by.
The other day I was holding Sadie, letting her look at the lights on the Christmas tree that was put up and my mom had the radio on with Christmas music. On comes "Where are you Christmas" by Faith Hill. I always have loved this song and reminds me from the Grinch movie. I immeditately said out loud to my mom "awe this song is sad". And as it started playing, I just got overwhelmed and tears started streaming down my face. My mom knew. She just hugged me. I had to take Sadie into my room and just cry. I felt like as if I was stabbed, and punched 1000 times. I just really missed Naomi and yearned for her right then and there. I just hugged Sadie & told her I am sorry. I love both my girls so very much. I just felt the extremem sadness I havent felt in a while and it really got to me.
These last few weeks and days, I honestly cannot believe where they went. I swear, it feels like I just had Sadie yesterday. I remember her just SWIMMING in her newborn clothes and look now! She is already into O-3 months size! I can't believe it. Every day, I swear she gets prettier. A couple days ago, I would say around the 7th of December, Sadie started making these little almost like cooing sounds, makes a sound with her mouth just like mommy does. I will do it and she will repeat it. It is the cutest little thing. Its as if she is communicating trying to tell mommy something. I love seeing and watching all her new things and milestones that she will hit. I wake up to her each & every morning and I just look at her something thinking "is she really mine?" She will wake up and I will talk to her and she just lets out BIG baby smiles. I just love it! I get lots of comments on how she looks alot like me. I see it, and I love it. I just think how beautiful it is how two people can create such life. Yet I wish things were different on my end. But thats OKAY!
I am proud of myself. I am doing this pretty much ALL on my own, yes with financial help from my parents and I am BEYOND BEYOND thankful for. But care wise, I am taking care of Sadie 24/7. I dont catch a break. Thats okay. It's not easy, but I love being a mommy, both to her and Naomi. I am looking forward to whats to come in both of our futures!
On Saturday, I took Sadie to Meet Santa. I got to dress her up in her little santa outfit and take her on to the hospital where she was born at. There were so many kids & families with their children & babies all dressed up. I felt so happy, to take Sadie, and share this experience with her. Although she slept most of the time, she woke up a little on her own as I placed her in Santa's arms. They took 2 pictures of her and one with mommy in with Santa and Sadie. I can't wait to see how they turn out! I will be able to place a picture in her First Christmas 2010 picture frame!