ABC..I AM A STUDENT!

Yes! Its official! I am now a student! I am going for Medical Assisting. It is a 10 month program, if all goes well I will graduate in June! I started my first day of class on Monday.

So far so good. But the damn teacher put the wrong schedule on the paper when we went to register. My mom made her nursing schedule compared to that and took of Tues/Wed/Thurs so when I am in class from 8 to 3:30 she can watch my little Sadie girl. And Monday and Fridays would be online. I come to class the first day and we are doing CORE until September 8 and then that is when Medical Assisting really starts. That schedule will be for that but until then I am not really in class only next Monday and Thursday for lab. But we managed this Monday with my dad watching her part day and my sister the other. We will manage!

Come late November/Early December, I will have clinicals. Monday and Tuesday are clinicals, Wednesday and Thursday in classroom and Friday online! SO I will have a full schedule! This is all new to me since I havent been in school for 4/5 years! Getting back in the grove of learning to study and do assignments! Yikes! but all with an 11 month old who keeps me VERY VERY busy. I dont know how I will do it all but I HAVE NO CHOICE. I want to get out of here SOMEDAY and be able to support myself and my little girl!

So If I am MIA for a bit, that is why. I am officially a student and I couldnt be more happier!

ABC & POSITIVITY

I am ready, finally ready to do something about school. For so long, I had been nervous about it and still not wanting to really go back, until about a few short weeks ago. The more I think about it, I am anxious to get things started. BUT, I have a few obstacles I need to figure out that have been on my mind.

A week or two ago, I did go take the TAPE test at a local technical school and I still am needing to go and get my results for them. I need to give the school a call tomorrow morning and get on it. I cannot let that pass without me doing so. I will then go in and talke with a guidance couselor. I am hoping they may be of some help, but yet I just worry and think they will not care and I will be on my own in this.

A few days ago, when I was watching my nephew, my sister called me to see how things were going (um, I am supermom, no need to worry! :) and I said good. We are usually quick to hang up because I just don't ever have much to say to her on the phone, but she ended up asking me about school. (I assume she saw it from on facebook). I said to her briefly I went in and did what I had to do I am just waiting now to get results. She apparently was speaking to our mom and said that both of them think I will not be able to do school or work until Sadie is in school. WHAT!?!?!? I then got off the phone with her and just CRIED. I thought how am I ever going to get out of my parents house? How will I ever meet a guy? How will I ever go on to support my little girl!? My mind was swirling with all these thoughts and questions.

I thought, great. So my dad is pushing me to go and start the things for school, yet my mom and sister think otherwise I cant do it. Thats REAL nice. I know I do not have the money for daycare or to have someone watch Sadie. I KNOW THAT. I do not know what my dad was thinking otherwise. He did tell me to get the ball on the road with school and stuff. So now what am I supposed to do? Today I briefly spoke to my mom about it in the kitchen. I told her, for now, my only option maybe is online schooling? But she told me that is very expensive. NOW WHAT!?

What am I supposed to do? I have like no money for school. Yes there are loans and all that, but seriously, I know NOTHING about how all that works. I don;t even know exactly what I wanna do for school yet either. I had forever wanted to be a teacher, my heart belongs with the kids and that is the only thing I am good at, or so I think. But being in the hospital all these times with Sadie & Naomi, I was watching the OB nurses, and even ultrasound techs and I am very interested in doing something like that. There is always a demand for nurses, right!? But I do not know if I could really do all of that work? I never thought of myself as smart. But yet, I never really put my all into it.

My mom just went back to school and graduated when I was pregnant with Naomi and became a RN. I am so proud of her and she works at the hospital where I delivered Sadie. She has all the books in her room, I have seen them, never cracked them open, I think I would be frigthened. But, I really want to do something for once, I want to be proud of myself, I want to make Sadie proud,I want to make Naomi proud. I want to be able to say I DID IT! So many friends of mine are going back to school and I want to be one of them, so many of them have kids as well, if they can, why can't I?

I have two beautiful girls, I have to do this for.

I just am at a loss of where to go or what to do. I would love to help mommies like I, and be an OB nurse, or I had even seen the ultrasound techs (lord knows I had a LOT of those every few days!) I found it all very interesting. Seeing students come in and be with them, it def caught my eyes. I said to myself once my grandma leaves (she left tonight back to Philly) I will sit down with my parents and discuss things or ideas.

I am scared but yet its a reality and I HAVE to do it. I WANT to do it for once. I am 23, almost 24, in August. Time will NOT stop for me. I know my friends and family will all be there to help me along and support me. They have up and til now, why would they stop now? I want to start planning out my future, our future, Sadie's and mommies future. I see great things ahead!

Someway or another, I'm going to find you...

and getcha, getcha, getcha! Those are the words playing in my head right now. I swear, I can't get things out of my head. I feel like, I have been through the worst possible thing anyone can go through, losing their child. Yet, I always hear that "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle.". Really? I am not so sure I believe it just yet.

Sadie is here with me, after 4 hospital stays, and 298383 times taking my bp, googling this and that, and fears way beyond my control. She is here. But, doesn't mean God won't take her away from me too. Shit happens. I am beyond TERRIFIED something will happen to her. I can name the countless of ways that are in my head, but I better not, I am not ready for more waterworks tonight.

Earlier today, I had Sadie in the playpen with her toys and the danglily things from above that she is now learning to reach for and play with and toss up those oh so cute feetsies to grab! (Yes! TODAY SHE FOUND HER FEET AND WAS PLAYING WITH THEM, TOO CUTE!) (And I just LOVE the way she marlves at her little hands. Earlier tonight before bed, my mom was holding her and she put her hands in front of her face and just gave an odd type stare at them, we both laughed. Too cute to see her expressions, I sure wish I could be that amazed with my hands! Oh the imagination and all the things for a baby to see and learn!). Back to my story! I had Sadie in her playpen while I was doing some things on the computer and in eyesight of her, she was in playpen didn't think anything could happen.

I was on the phone with a friend who we are doing the March of Dimes walk this year together, and so I was trying to help her figure out how to put a photo on her page of her baby boy. I happened to hear this like almost like coughing/gagging noise and I thought oh maybe she was just coughing but when I realize it I jumped up off the chair and ran over to her. There is this dragonfly (a soft plush one) hanging from the overhang, along with her toys that she plays with, and the long tail of it was almsot halfway down her throat! She somehow got it like that, I quickly pulled it out, and picked her up. I was panicking althought I looked at her she was breathing, not gasping for air or anything but her eyes are all almost red and teary eyed.

Oh I just hugged her and said you scared your mama. my mom asked me what happened because she heard me freaking out and I told her. She took it off and threw it in the trash. I was so freaked out about that. I always am checking on her whevere I have her and most of the time she is with me in my arms and I continue t oget things done around the house. I just panic. Can you blame me?

So, backtrack, 2-3 weeks after she was born, I had that scare and had to take her to the ER after her pediatrition suggested I do so just to check her out and be on the safe side. Thank the lord everything turned out to be okay, but gosh. Strike 1, Strike 2 (earlier today) do I have one more strike!?!?

I am scared out of my mind. Honest to God, if anything happens to her, I will go with her. I will not live through another loss. I will not and cannot do it. I can't "beg God" not to take her from me. Thats what I was doing in the back of the NICU at 4am June 1, 2009. That did nothing. SO yeah, I am still struggling alot with my belief, but thats a whole another story.

I just know of so much bad in this world, I think about it, probably too much, I just do not want ANYTHING to happen to my baby girl.

Marvelous Monday!

I cant believe the time is already here. The holidays have came upon us just as quickly as they left last year. The holidays should be a happy and exciting time, but to be honest, I am not all smiles...Yes, my beautiful Sadie is here with mommy, and I am EVER so thankful for that, she is what I craved for after I lost Naomi. But, I just find myself having my days to where I just still cant believe she is gone. I remember how distraught i was last year this time. I can barely remember last December honestly. I just wanted it to fly on by.

The other day I was holding Sadie, letting her look at the lights on the Christmas tree that was put up and my mom had the radio on with Christmas music. On comes "Where are you Christmas" by Faith Hill. I always have loved this song and reminds me from the Grinch movie. I immeditately said out loud to my mom "awe this song is sad". And as it started playing, I just got overwhelmed and tears started streaming down my face. My mom knew. She just hugged me. I had to take Sadie into my room and just cry. I felt like as if I was stabbed, and punched 1000 times. I just really missed Naomi and yearned for her right then and there. I just hugged Sadie & told her I am sorry. I love both my girls so very much. I just felt the extremem sadness I havent felt in a while and it really got to me.

These last few weeks and days, I honestly cannot believe where they went. I swear, it feels like I just had Sadie yesterday. I remember her just SWIMMING in her newborn clothes and look now! She is already into O-3 months size! I can't believe it. Every day, I swear she gets prettier. A couple days ago, I would say around the 7th of December, Sadie started making these little almost like cooing sounds, makes a sound with her mouth just like mommy does. I will do it and she will repeat it. It is the cutest little thing. Its as if she is communicating trying to tell mommy something. I love seeing and watching all her new things and milestones that she will hit. I wake up to her each & every morning and I just look at her something thinking "is she really mine?" She will wake up and I will talk to her and she just lets out BIG baby smiles. I just love it! I get lots of comments on how she looks alot like me. I see it, and I love it. I just think how beautiful it is how two people can create such life. Yet I wish things were different on my end. But thats OKAY!

I am proud of myself. I am doing this pretty much ALL on my own, yes with financial help from my parents and I am BEYOND BEYOND thankful for. But care wise, I am taking care of Sadie 24/7. I dont catch a break. Thats okay. It's not easy, but I love being a mommy, both to her and Naomi. I am looking forward to whats to come in both of our futures!

On Saturday, I took Sadie to Meet Santa. I got to dress her up in her little santa outfit and take her on to the hospital where she was born at. There were so many kids & families with their children & babies all dressed up. I felt so happy, to take Sadie, and share this experience with her. Although she slept most of the time, she woke up a little on her own as I placed her in Santa's arms. They took 2 pictures of her and one with mommy in with Santa and Sadie. I can't wait to see how they turn out! I will be able to place a picture in her First Christmas 2010 picture frame!