Monday, March 29, 2010

"Rollercoaster" is just a bit of an understatement..

Honestly, I would have to say that the next 48 hrs was bit of a blur just because of how sick I was. Now when I say sick, I ended up having severe preeclampsia. I was on a high amount of oxygen, had the cuffs on my legs to prevent blood clots, I was like a huge blowfish, with all the fluid I still has in my body. My blood pressure was also high as well. The mag that they had me on was awful. I remember being so hot with it and just wanted to rip the damn thing off. But I needed it. My mom and dad and best friend came and visited me. My mom stayed the night about a few times because she was just so worried about me. I didn't know i was that sick, then I started to worry. I kept asking my mom if I was going to die.

I wouild say about 48 hours after or close to 3 days, I was able to go and see Naomi. Let me tell you, getting up from a c section, oh my. I never had so much physical pain before, but I managed even though I felt quite dizzy. I was then able to get into a wheelchair and the father wheeled me down into the NICU to see Naomi for the first time. I remember going back into this little room, I would always hear that she has her "own room" I guess because it was full in the main area. Sne was under the "light" and I wasn't prepared for what I saw. She was SO tiny, but so perfect. She had 10 fingers, 10 toes, a cute little nose, lips, 2 eyes, 2 ears. Everything. I couldn't believe she was my daughter, Naomi. She weighed 790 grams which is 1 lb 12 oz. She also had IUGR (inunterine growth restriction), so basicaly she was the size of a 26 weeker, even though I had her at 28 weeks.

I would always call on the phone in my room, down to the NICU to check and get updates on sweet Naomi since I couldnt be up and about just yet. I loved saying "this is Naomi Marish's mom" and then had to give the number id on my bracelet just so they made sure they were speaking to the right person! I had lots of visitors, my friend Amanda, Bonnie, Kylee, and Tori & David. It was wonderful seeing my friend and to say congratulations Mommy! I ended up getting moved eventually maybe 4 days later of being down in perinatal room 5, to labor & delivery. It was sort of sad because I saw lots of mommies and daddies with their babies in the room yet I was on the floor of the NICU, closer to Naomi.

I was able to walk myself whenever I wanted to go and visit Naomi. I would just sit and watch her sleep and talk to her and sing to her. I went to visit quite often. I also remember when my friend wheeled me into see Naomi, the nurse was changing the incubator and she gave Naomi to me to "hold" on my chest sort of like kangaroo care. I was just amazed, I will never forget that feeling of having her on my skin, feeling her tiny body and little hands. Eventually I got released after being in the hospital about a week. I remember bringing the cart full of goodies, flowers and stuffed animals and gifts from my visitors. My mom picked me up and the nurse helped me get in the car. I remember as we left the hospital driving away, I looked back and just started crying. I was leaving without my Naomi, and seeing these mommies get wheeled out with their babies in hands going home.

From then on, I would go every single day to visit Naomi because I still wasn't able to go back to work being a nanny, and having my c section. I remember seeing myself for the first time, my face was still very swollen, my legs were HUGE, and my arms were still puffy but my doctor kept saying, it will go down. I thought when?? I remember getting up alot in the middle of the night to use the restroom and I would look in the mirror in the morning and within 2 days of coming home, I had peed all the fluids that I had retained from being so sick. It was amazing how I changed from a huge blow fish to about my prepregnancy size.

Naomi was doing "quite well" in the NICU. She was having trouble with the feedings, never fully got her going on my milk, and other regular issues for in the NICU but they had said it takes time. She wasn't even on a ventilator! I was so proud yet had the cpap and nose canula. I remember pumping every 3 hours, at hospital and at home. I was never so tired, but I thought I have to get used to this, this will be exactly what I will feel like at home with little Naomi. My neighbor, who also came to see me in the hospital, I didn't know but worked in the same hospital. So she told me if I ever wanted a ride I can ride with her to work in the morning. So I would get up at 7 o clock and meet with her around 730 and be there bright and early EVERY DAY. I never missed a day of seeing my Naomi. The nurses teased me all the time saying I had their hours. I would stay about 8 o clock til 10/11 pm at night. I wouldn't stay in the NICU the whole time I just stayed in the hospital and ate, had friends visit me and my daughter, and met other people and families there.

I remember getting to change her for the first time. I was so afraid I would hurt her. Having to put my arms through the incubator and I was so gentle with her tiny little legs and oh boy did she have some big feet for such a tiny little girl. The nurse said to me "oh you won't hurt her, they aren't as delicate as they look." Which i dont know wha that meant but shes my daughter, and thats what I was doing. I also got to take her temperature and measure her as well. I got to do lots of the "mommy" things. I remember holding Naomi for the first time in the rocking chair. What an amazing feeling that was. Having her wrapped up just like a little baby doll but even smaller, and handed over to me, her mommy. I was so content and just started at her while she slept and opened her beautiful eyes peaking at moommy. She always opened her eyes she she heard my voice, and I loved it! One time, my sister came and got to hold her, she never held a baby before, I was SO nervous. But she did great. Naomi started to fart or have some gas and I remember laughing so hard because she made such a cute/funny face.

One day/night I was told by a nurse that Naomi has a possible infection on her arm. I noticed her arm was swelling a bit and so they did some testing. She also had quite a few blood transfusions. I was always worried about that but she needed them. I remember what a difference that made in her acitivity and how she was. When she needed them she was so very tired, barely active, and just needed the little pick me up. Well, there was an announcement to be made at around 8 o clock one night. before that, she started having problems breathing so she needed to be put on a ventilator. I would say about 4 weeks after she was born. I remember waiting til 8 oclock since between 630 and 8 you could not go in due to change of shift and nurses talking and things like that. I was so nervous and worried waiting. I remember coming into the NICU and noticing right away a huge machine next to her and I thought that wasn't there before.

I was told she was put on a jet ventilator because the regular one just wasn't doing it for her. The infection was really taking over her and making it very difficult for her to breathe so basically this machine was doing it for her, at a much faster rate.

Here we go again, I've been rehasing this part quite often nowadays. Naomi just became very very sick. I never stayed the night in the hospital but the night of May 31st it was late, my husband was there at the time with me, we were aruging, he wanted to stay there with me, I said no and wanted to be alone. At around 1 am, I went to the NICU to say goodnight to her but for some reason they werent opening right away so I thought I will just see her in the morning. I went up to the 3rd floor where there is a chapel and place to lay down. I fell asleep and at 3:46 am my phone woke me up to a call. "Platantion General Hospital" was calling. I paniked, picked it up I dont remember what was said but I told them that I was there in the hospital they said I need to come down. I grabbed my stuff flew to the elevator and started banging on the NICU door to let me in.

I got there and it was a scene out of a horrible horror movie. There were about 4 nurses at her side, a few respitory, and my favorite doctor of hers. She told me that Naomi isn't going to make it. Had me call someone to be with me. I called my mom. My mom arrived, and just held me. I saw Naomi and it did not look like her at all. She was very swollen and puffy, and they told me that she was sedated. Her eyes were open but I don't think she was really there or alert. One of the nurses had me and my mom sit down, I could barely sit. I was in disbelief that this was all going on. They had me look away while they perform a type of emergency surgery on her. Then brought in xrays, I watched as they came in and out.

They supplied emergency drugs as well. Thats when they had me and my mom come up and to touch her. I thought why are they letting me touch her without scrubbing up first. They started to say 5*17, then 5*18, I said mom why are they counting minutes? 5*19, I was watching the green numbers on her screen and also looking at the respiratory "bagging" Naomi. Their faces looked so grim, so sad, like even as if maybe they werent even trying. My mom and I also were sitting and saying the "Our Father" before all of this. Then 5*20 came and I s aw the question mark on the screen. The nurses all looked at each other, the doctor started walking over to me, I collapsed into my moms arms and started screaming and crying. My beautiful baby girl Naomi was gone. Taken away from me. They cleaned her up, while I was downstairs to go bring one of my friends up to be with me.

My mom was holding her, I said right away I did not want to. They suggested I do. I held her, not for too long. Then my mom, the father, and his mom, and I all went into a little room to wait wihle they took the tubes out of her and so we could hold her. I never wanted to let go or say goodbye. I just cried & cried well I hell her. Then after being spoken to and having a priest come and having the NICU director in with us, Naomi was then taken away, I gave her a kiss and told her mommy loved her so much. My beautiful girl faught so hard, I almost told them to stop and just let her go but I was holding on to some kind of hope. She survived 35 days, passed on June 1, 2009, loved by so many. She had gotten a horrible staph infection, and possible pnemonia that just took over her small little body.

I was then asked about funeral arrangements, I was in no way to decide or talk about it. I just told my mom and dad to handle it all. I had went into the cafeteria of the hospital, as my few close friends and family arrived while a memorial box was being prepared. I remember waiting with my best friend and a friend outside of the hospital, it was raining, I remember just running down the street and just collapsing and screaming, I couldnt believe she was gone.

My father and mother decided to cremate Naomi, and put a beautiful, beautiful service for her. My neighbors, friends, and family flew down. I cant remember who all exactly came because I was a mess that day. I remember my uncle who flew down, he lost his 9 yr old, 20 years ago, and he told me hes not going to lie to me that I am going to have a tough road ahead of me. He also told me later on that he looked at Naomi's death in a way that she got a "free pass to Heaven".

I know that my baby girl Naomi is in a safe place, free from pain and suffering, and is looking down on her mommy. I was taught so much in such a short period of time with her. I have never known so much love existed. The love you have for your cihld is unexplainable. I was so lucky to have met her, held her, changed her diaper, and show her to my family & friends. Even though it was a brief time, I am so thankful I had such time with her.

As I write in this blog, my purpose is to carry on her story, tell the whole world about her, and show that she existed.I also hope that one day, I will be able to help others in my situation and give back as so many mommies and wonderful friends have reached out to continue on this journey with me. She will always be my first born, my daughter, my sweetpea, my Naomi, and my angel. I love you Naomi, & I miss you, always and forever.


michelle hendrix-swords said...

your story brings tears to my eyes. i don't know if you've checked out my blog... was stillborn at 18 weeks gestation june 4, 2009. i had two perfectly normal, healthy pregnancies prior, so i have two children (5 & 3 in just a couple of weeks). i am so sorry that you had to experience the death of your firstborn, but i am so glad that you had a short time with her. i love the name naomi by the way. *HUGS*

Malory said...

Jill, I recieved your email but Ihave been unable to respond to it. It comes back telling me that its undeliverable. Email me with an alternative email address. I would be honored to do a video for you.


Jill said...

Thank you Michelle, I will check out your blog right now. It kills me, I have been searching blogs, and there are just TONS out there. So many families and mommies have been through and continue to go through our journey, it BREAKS MY HEART. Yet we all come together and help each other. I am so sorry about your Xavier. After this, I just am terrifeid, I have it in my head that anything can go wrong. But I have to try and remain positive!

Malory- yes, the email address is on my cell phone. I did email you from my other email a little bit ago. Please let me know if you didn't get it. Thank you so much!!

*Laura Angel said...

Oh JIll thank you so much for writing this. I really hope blogging will help you. I do know that Naomi reads your blogs uup in heaven :)

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