Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Motivation.....are you out there?

This is a picture of Naomi as she was sleeping and it was touching time, and I got to hold her tiny little hand. What a beautiful baby I created I always thought. It wasn't too long ago before that that I felt her moving around in my tummy, even though towards the end I felt less movement from her (due to the distress).

I haven't done much today. My father was supposed to wake me up before he went for work at 830, but he didn't so I slept in til 1030, normally I sleep all day. I am 22 I should be getting own self up, but I just do not find the motivation to do so. Yet I see and read all these other mommy blogs, they are working, going out, helping others, and yes they still hurt, but they are continuing living. I know it doesn't do me any good laying in my bed day after day. It's almost been a year since I've had her and I am still without a job. Most of it, well all of it is simply my fault. I have no one else to blame but me. Yes for awhile after I lost my nanny job, I obviously didnt go back to work due to having Naomi, and then also losing her. I needed time off. I went out with friends and stayed busy for the 4 months, I was constant, helping others and just doing things that I had left to do for a while.

Then, I don't know what happened, but I just stopped, I started slowing down a lot more. It was time to look for a job and I wasn't looking much. Everyone would suggest places to go and things like that, I would always say "okay, yeah Ill check it out". But most of the time I never did. I had a few interviews, and I NEVER blow interviews, but apparently these last ones I have. I don't know whats wrong with me. I KNOW for a fact I am scared. Scared to get back out and "live again". I have lots of anxiety. Yes I like meeting people and talking to others, but now I feel like I got myself in a huge hole. That I do not know how to get ouf of. I do not know where I want to work. I have an excuse for every place. Yes I have alot of background in childcare, but I don't know if I am strong enough to go and do that again. I don't have any experience in anything else, besides organizing and typing, I am very good at computers, and was told I should try and be a secretary, but I cannot sit for long periods of time at all due to my back.

I just have to go out there and do it, and apply somewhere, anywhere my parents say and if I dont like it keep it until I do. I have absolutely no money in my name besides maybe $1-2 grand in my bonds which my parents refuse to give me, I am 22. I did not save a PENNY when I was a nanny, and I made great money, worked 18 months. I wouldn't me in half the situation I am if I had saved, I would have my own car and possibly a place to live.

While in the process of seeing Naomi in the hospital, I decided I was finally done with my husband. I even told him while I was pregnant with her that I would not take ONE thing from him. I stuck to my guns. I went through hell and back with that marriage, very physically and emotionally abused, and having left my family at the young age of 19 til about 21. Luckily, my family welcomed me home with open arms. It is just now hitting me, well my mom said it maybe a few months ago, I didn't just lose Naomi, I lost my job, and my marriage, all just like that.

I always said after losing Naomi, that I need to make Naomi proud, I wanna make her proud. Change my life around, go to school, get a job. But things didn't happen that way. I don't even know if they still can. I am just at a loss of what to do or where to go, just where do I start? Ive pretty much let myself go, stopped caring again, part of my depression, I don't want Naomi seeing her mommy like this. I should know better. No one else is going to do this, but me. I just have to get up and tell myself "I AM GOING TO DO THIS, & NO LOOKING BACK". Easier said than done, but I don't want to live a life in my room, I watch the days go by so quickly, while everyone else is living their own life, and I just basically hide in my room. Its spring, I should be happy and get some sun, help others.

I remember after losing Naomi I helped alot, I even went into the NICU to help this young couple (17 & 19) and be of a support for them, at the same hospital Naomi was born and left at. I remember meeting them when I was waiting in the lobby for a support group, I just was crying because all the memories came back. They noticed me crying and asked whats wrong. I told them and they said "I am sorry". And they then explained they had a 23 weeker. My heart just stopped. I gave them a hug. I told them I would like to see their daughter after my meeting. We exchanged numbers and I was brought up to see her. I don't know how I did it but I did. The nurses were suprised to see me back but welcomed me with open arms. The baby was so so tiny, beautiful little girl. I remember feeling good being there for them, but then I had to stop because I was going to often and I just couldnt bring myself to do it as much.

I just need that "pick me up" to push me along. I feel quite alone, although I have amazing friends, a best friend & that is enough, and my family. I want to do more, to help others, helping others, I know will help myself. Just gotta get out there and do it!


michelle hendrix-swords said...

so much easier said than done! i have two children and my parents took care of them for two weeks after losing xavier...i couldn't have taken care of them, but in that two weeks i got out a lot and cried a lot when i came home. seeing babies was/is hard. seeing pregnant women was/is hard. i do what i have to do most days, but some days i stay in bed extra long and cry myself to sleep at night and there are days that the tv babysits my children while i journal or blog because i just can't.

i am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. june 4 will be one year since losing xavier. i did fairly well until two months ago...and lately it's been very rough for me. i started going to counseling which is helping. i attend a support group and that helps. i love my job and that must be the biggest blessing for me, since i have to work, because i love the people i work with, the residents, and what i do. best of luck to you. *HUGS*

if you have facebook you can look me up...michelle hendrix-swords

michelle hendrix-swords said...

naomi is beautiful by the way.

Natasha said...

You've been through more in your short life than most people experience in a lifetime. Don't put too much pressure on yourself! Take it one day at a time, and if necessary one minute at a time. Maybe get out of the house and go for a walk, get some sunshine and fresh air, get your endorphins going. Have you been taking anything for depression? I took Zoloft and it definitely helped. My baby was born at 29 weeks due to PE/HELLP. He survived so I am one of the lucky moms, yet I still struggled with post-partum depression and anxiety. I can't fully comprehend what you are going through, but I want you to know that you aren't alone! Hang in there, you're young and you have a lot of living left to do. Good things are in your future!

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