Sunday, March 28, 2010

Where to start?

As my first blog/post ever, I never thought I would be writing about this. I struggle right now to even find the words, through my tears. I just opened in my email where I had saved the pictures I sent from my cell phone in order to make sure I would have a safe place for them if God forbid something happened to my cell phone & I lost all my pictures of my beautiful Naomi. It has been a while since I have seen them, I opened some of them to see which pictures I would like to post. It was ever so hard, some made me cry, I got a little laugh out of one, and it is just so surreal, still. Like most of the mommy blogs I have read, most have a fairy-tail husband and or wedding to share. Me? I don't really have such a grand story on that end to tell. So for now, we will skip just that. Yet I sometimes think if I never got myself in that situation or left when I should have, none of this would have happened, but I look back on all of it and I would do it all over again if it meant having my daughter, Naomi.

At around sometime in November of 2008, I found out I was pregnant. I had recently just left a horrible living situation/marriage in October of that same year. I just happened to take a pregnancy test for the "heck of it" I had no symptoms nothing, I just was used to them turning out negative. I remember taking the test in my bathroom. I put the stick away and I waited the 2-3 minutes. I read the words positive. My mouth dropped, I think my heart even stopped. I immediately went outside and took a walk around the block called one of my friends, just was so stunned and told her the news, thinking what the heck am I going to do? I didn't cry, I just was in shock, complete shock. From that moment on, I had many emotions-scared, upset, hurt, confused, and most of all just scared. I thought I am 21, I myself am just a "baby'. I went and got blood testing done just to be positive and for sure enough I was about 4-5 weeks.

For a good while. I was walking around in denial & I was quite upset. One day, my mom could tell I was very upset. I started to cry. She said lets go outside and we sat on the porch swing, she said whats wrong? I kept saying over and over again "my stomach, my stomach." She did not quite understand. She said are you sick? I shook my head. Then she said those words "Are you pregnant?". I just nodded. So from there on, I just decided I was going to take care of this baby, it wouldn't be easy but I would do it. I was a full time nanny for a wonderful family with a toddler and infant. I loved every minute of it. I took them swimming, to the park, to the library, on outings to the mall, to the waterpark, oh how we all had a blast ever day! I was a nanny for them from Decemeber 2007 until April 24, 2009, the day I had never expected.

For awhile, the pregnancy was going uneventful. Soon enough I started getting excited! I would journal alot and about my doctor appointments and couldnt believe I was going to be a mom. I absolutely love children & babies, I was so happy. I thought I had liked my doctor. But now that I look back, she was very quick, and never listened to me. I should have took that as a sign right away. I was wondering when I would start getting bigger. But in the beginning, like most, you lose weight due to the nausea and vomiting. I was lucky and only "gagged" 4 times, by orange juice, a prenatal on an empty stomach, eating a banana on an empty stomach and just once out of the blue. I wasn't getting that "belly" I kept asking when? I would talk to other expectant moms and they say "oh don"t worry, you'll get there". Well I dont remember exactly when it was but maybe 2 or 3 months before I had Naomi, I just had that "feeling" or gut instinct that something wasn't right. I just felt it.

I remember telling my mom, I didn't know what it was, but boy was it strong. I wish I had listened to my gut instinct. They tell you to always listen. So I remember having my 28 week ultrasound appointment and how excited I was. Oh! Before all of this, I started to worry about my job, I thought I would lose my job. I sat down and talked with the family, and they were wonderful! They asked me what I had wanted to do, I said I would like to continue working with them while pregnant, as far as I can, and they even said I can have my daughter there at work too. I said I could do it, I know I could. Even thought I would have 3 under the age of 2. We even sat down and planned my maternity leave and everything, I was so excited.

My gosh! All these details, I just do not want to forget, so I can't leave them out. The night before my apt, April 23, I went to my brothers baseball game with my family. I remember not feeling well at all! For awhile before too, I had noticed swelling in my hands & ankles, which normally they say thats normal, but I just didnt think so because I hadn't gained too much weight and it just did not look right. I stayed until the end of the game but went back to where I was living because I just felt awful. I figure my appointment is in the morning I will address it then. Apparently, that night my face was very swollen. My mom didn't say much about it because she thought "oh Jill is finally putting on some weight".

So, I had told my boss about the appointment, they were always good about letting me go in early morning before work, and then come back to their house right after so they can leave for work. Normally one of them were able to get off or go in late due to their very flexible schedules but this time, on a Friday, no. So being that this was an ultrasound, and I had the 2 of them, she said I can have a friend help me since they probably wouldnt be allowed in. I asked my best friend Bonnie. (At the time we weren't best friends, but we had known each other from 8th grade, and we got reconnected on myspace, due to me being pregnant and we just started talking and hung out a few times before my 28 week apt.) So I asked her and she was more than happy to help me (I hope!) Ha,

Friday, April 24, 2009 was my appointment. I was so excited because I knew after that, I would go to the doctor every 2 weeks, then once a week. My appointment was 8*30 that morning, I got the kiddies ready and off we went and to meet my best friend there. I remember going to be seen, while Bonnie had the kids in the waiting room. I think when I was seen, they had determined I had a short cervix and was worried about that. Then my doctor came in and said "whats this?" I said "what?" She told me about having 2+ grams of protein in my urine. I had no idea what that was about, didn't understand the term. So they sent me out in the waiting room. The nurse came out was like pretty in a panicked mood but with a worried look on her face. She said you may have to get stitched and possible bed rest. Then she comes back out and says nevermind, I am too late in my pregnancy for that. So they had made an appointment, with an MFM, then I did not know thats who he was.

So needless to say, I was a little worried, freaking out a bit but thought, oh I will be okay. I called my boss, both of them, to address they needed to pick up the kids here at the office, they were cranky and needed to be fed. I didn't want them to be so hungry and tired, and also things just weren't going right. We waited some time but they did end up coming, I saw them and had tears in my eyes, they both gave me a hug, I told them briefly what happened and that I had an appoinment later that afternoon. I was excited that day due to the fact it was Friday (the end of the week for me, pay day and my appt!). They picked up the kiddies and off they went. My best friend Bonnie was still with me, I do NOT know what I would have done without her & again we weren't too close then, but she has such a big big heart, so kind, caring, just the sweetest girl.

So she suggested we go to IHOP down the street to eat, until my MFM appoinment at 2:30 that afternoon. We walked in and I remember the waitress saying "how far along are you?" I remember smiling and said no one has asked me that, I didn't know you can tell. She said oh yeah, you have the look. Towards the very end of my pregnancy I then started sprouting a belly. I couldnt even begin to tell you what we had, but thats pretty much useless info. We then headed off to my appointment. I seen the doctor, and I had an ultrasound done. I can't remember if he had said Naomi was measuring small and he then said some other terms I did not understand until later on. He then told me he was going to do a direct admit into the hospital. I came out in tears and told my friend. I didn't think too much of it still though I was upset, but I had thought oh I'll be in there a few days and come out and I'll be okay, wrong!

So, she offered to take me to get some things for the hospital, I was starting to pack clothes! Where was my head? Ha. Then I thought, I will be wearing a hospital gown, so I threw all my clothes down and took a few things. We then went to Walgreens. She suggested we get some snack foods and maybe magazines. God, typing this out, is making me go through all my emotions again, just gotta cry. We then headed off to the hospital, went into the emergency room, gave them the paper saying I was a direct admit and I was pretty much seen and taken to the back right away. I remember for a couple hours getting a room in the emergency room until there was an opening. My mom then came to see me & the father as well. Then finally I was moved to perinatal room 5. The last room in the hallway.

Boy, did I get very lucky, all my nurses were wonderful. I remember my favorite nurse, her name was Kathy. She was so kind and took really good care of me. Bonnie came quite alot to come and visit me, so did my mom & dad, my husband at the time. By the way the nurses were talking, I was going to have Naomi very soon, due to how sick I was. I didn't know until a few days later how very very sick I got. The doctor (that covered for my regular ob, she was on vacation, thank god) he came in and told me they were going to do a 24 hr urine and them let me know the results on Sunday or Monday. I was also given steroid shots to help mature Naomi"s lungs over the weekend. I'm not too sure but I think they also have a NICU represent to come in and speak with me, but not much was understood.

Monday morning, April 27, rolled around. My husband stayed the night and was going to go home because he had work later that day and I said I would call him and let him know what was going on. Not even about 5 or 10 minutes after he left, the doctor came in. He told me that my protein levels had jumped from 2+ grams on Friday to 6+ g. He said thta 5 was the cut off. He told me I was going to have an emergency c - section , told me the nurses were going to get me ready & that he would see me in a bit. I don't even think I had much time to think or process it all. I was going to have Naomi, at 28 weeks. I called my husband to tell him to come back & that I was having Naomi. I remember calling home and speaking to my brother to tell him to put my mom on the phone, I told her I was having Naomi.

The nurses came in, and started prepping me and told me what was going to happen and that they would tell me every step of the way, as it was being done. I was then wheeled into the OR. I remember it being very very bright, with lots and lots of lights. I thought, hmm is this where I am going to have the baby? I wasn't prepared for this. I hadn't even had a baby shower yet (thought it was in the works). I remember seeing my husband with scrubs on, and he looked so nervous and scared. They had him go out while they prepared me and got me ready. I remember having the dreaded thing in my back (I forgot what its called!!). I was told to sit straight, hug myself, and put my neck down. That was the worst part. I couldn't stay still. I was freezing, and it hurt to hold my neck in place for so long. Finally they got it in, and that wasn't the bad part. I remember being placed on like a "table" I call it. I felt as if I was going to fall off.

They were ready to start surgery. My husband came in and sat next to me, they had the drape up, so I couldn't see. My husband took my hand as it started. I remember the doctor talking to me during my surgery. I thought thats weird, but hes awfully nice. I didn't know he was just doing that to make sure I was okay and there while I was being "worked on". I remember smelling a burning smell, I guess was something used in my surgery? He then told me I was going to feel alot of pushing and pressure. I felt all of that. During when Naomi was in the process of being born, they had the radio on and "Home" by Chris Daughtry came on. The doctor was signing. Little did I know, that song had some kind of meaning I think. They then had brought little Naomi out and I heard a "cat's meow" kind of cry and as I heard that I started to have a few tears rolling down my cheeks. I was a mommy.

They then rushed her to the NICU and Daddy followed while I was being stapled back up. I was then wheeled into recovery room where later I met my mom and sister there. I don't remember much because I was a bit out of it, but I do rememeber my sister going to see Naomi and the first thing she said "her eyes are beautiful Jill, she has beautiful eyes and they really stick out" I smiled. I still didnt get to see her or a picture just yet. After that, it was much of a blur, and then I was eventually moved back into my room #5 since I was still very very sick.

...continuation of Naomi Hope's Story will be soon, its quite difficult bringing up these memories.


Lareina said...

Sending you lots of hugs. I was reading your story and can understand a lot of the feelings you are going through. I will be back to read more when the time is right for you to post. Hugz.

Bonnie Leigh said...

I had tears in my eyes while reading almost all of what you wrote. I remember just about everything you described and I feel as if it all just happened the other day.. It does not feel anywhere near to being almost a year ago. I will ALWAYS be here for you, through thick and thin, no matter how difficult the circumstances are, no matter what the future holds, regardless of how you're feeling at times, no matter what :) I know you can get through everything and I know Naomi thinks the same. I'll continue reading of course and check back for new entries. I hope writing everything out is helping, I'm sure it will. I love you ♥

*Belle* said...

I hope that writing this blog helps you like how my writing helps me. I think about you a lot and i hope that you are staying strong for the most part. ((Hugs)))

Natasha said...

Hi Jill,
I connected to your blog from Laura's. My stomach started to hurt while I read your entry because I experienced many of the same emotions while I was pregnant and when I was hospitalized for PE/HELLP. I just want to let you know that I support you! I hope writing this blog gives you peace and comfort. Write more when your heart is able.

Jill said...

Thank you all =), my blog is not the best, I still have a LOT of work to do and set it up how I would like and how little miss Naomi approves of! =) I would like to continue the rest of my story and be able to blog from day to day emotions and thoughts. I always have alot to say & I just want to make sure I get all my details out so I can look back later on it, never forget anything about my experience and being made a mother by my beautiful Naomi. Thank you to all who have read!

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