Saturday, June 5, 2010

I just feel down today

I am watching the rain pour from my computer window, just grey and miserable outside right now. I can't stop thinking about tomorrow. I shouldn't think about it, but I can't help it. First off, we hit the UGLY month of June. To some its a beautiful month but to me its not. The very first day of June last year was when my beautiful little sweetpea Naomi was taken away from me. So when June 1st came around, the days just leading up to it was very hard. I cried & screamed like it has happened all over again. I remember details of it, I will never forget. Tomorrow, is June 6th. The 1 yr anniversary of her funeral. My daughter's funeral. What the hell?? I sometimes still think I am in a fricken nightmare that I just cant wake up from. Sometimes when I am in the pool or out with my friends or just sitting around my house, I think to myself, I should be busy with my sweet Naomi, I feel a sense of emptyness still like something is missing.

Naomi is missing, oh so much. I just want her back. I will never see her precious face again, hear her tiny tiny little cries, or see her take her first steps. Nothing. Never in a million years did I and I am sure no mother, would have thought anything would happen like this. Yes Naomi was very sick but not once did it cross my mind, maybe towards the last day or so yes but I thought she would pull through. I remember not having any thing "black" to wear for that dreadful day. I went with my mom to the mall a few days before and we were about to go into a store to look and I just started bawling my eyes out that I could not go in there and wanted to leave. I remember flicking off a tmobile phonesales person when asking me if I wanted something with my phone. I was so angry, in a cloud, with all the emotions from when I first lost my daughter. I was a mess. Cursing at people, yelling, just not caring at all.

I remember everything that day about her funeral. I shouldn't go back or think about this right, I am ready to be in tears. I have a lot on my mind now and Ive got to let it out. I just can picture her little face, when going in to see her for the first time in the "home". I started screaming & crying. I remember it all. I miss my angel so much.

I just wish this all would end. Yes I am in a new situation now, but it still doesn't make things automatically go better. I wish. It doesn't. The pain is still very much there and never does a day go by that I do not think about Naomi or wish she were here with me.

I have came across more blogs of mommies, and it tears me apart, mommies who have lost babies and or children. I cry every time I come across another one. But yet like another blogger had said in a entry of hers, I feel a connection with lots of you. I am so thankful to be able to have met the friends/mommies even though not in person, just yet. It really helps, with others who truly understand. Yes my friends have been there for me but some just still dont understand how I can still be hurting or the way I am thinking or feeling. So I want to thank each & every one of you who has reached out their hand & said a few words, even just to say I am thinking about you or lighting a candle for my beautiful little angel. THANK YOU!


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