This may be something I should write in my journal, but I am upset & crying and just need to get it out now, and I am a fast typist so here it goes.
I just feel so utterfly lost again. I wish I wasn't having these feelings, for my own sister. I feel like a bad person for them. My 21 yr old sister is pregnant, due at the end of August with a boy. Yes, I will be an Aunt. Just like she is/was to my sweet Naomi. My sister is having her baby shower this Saturday, June 12th, at my parents house, where I still am living. I am only 22 years old. I have been freaking about this event and just I would say "jealous" about it since I have known about it.
It upsets me because every other word or talk around this house is mentioning of my sisters baby shower and or her. I feel like I am left out. I am the oldest of 4 and for some time my mom has been quite close with my sister. They are always together it seems like and I feel like I am just not included in things. Yes my grandma and my mom went to go to SamsClub to gather things for the day, which is 5 days away. My grandmother wanted me to come, um no thank you. I have the wrong attitude for it all I KNOW. I just cant get past these feelings. I want to, I REALLY do. But when I think about it all, it makes me so sad & just sick feeling. Especially the fact how she couldn't go to Naomi's 1st birthday celebration, but under certain circumstances.
Family, and friends will be here at the house and neighbors, a baby shower should and is a happy thing. But you know, I think, in my situation, baby showers don't make it sure that a baby will come home with you near your duedate. Because of everything that happened to me, I just cant deal with baby showers. I haven't ever been invited to one, until, quite funny, not really but shortly after my daughter's death. I was like WTH! But I declined every time. My sister's would be the first one I would be going to. I am jealous & hurt because I didn't get to have one with Naomi, but one was about to be planned in the works just shortly before I had her. But I feel as if for my sister they are going all out (my parents). It hurts. They made up backyard nicer and just doing so much. I want to be happy for my sister & her husband, but I am not close with her anymore like I used to when we were younger.
I just do not know how to let go of these feelings. I have it set in my mind that I am not going to go and will spend the day with my best friend. But my mom is trying to tell me to at least go for an hr or 2. I don't want to see my neighbors and family and have them ask questions to me, my mom said they wont. Or I dont want them looking at me with sympathy or either asking what I have been up to. I have nothing to say. I haven't done much. I am not working, not in school, I need to be. I need to straighten out my life!
So basically by saying that to me "all attention will be on your sister". Gee thanks Mom. I feel like if I do try & go, I will end up crying and making a mess of myself & I don't want to even put myself in that situation, yet I feel maybe after its all over I may regret not going. I don't know what to do. I just wish I had my sweet Naomi here and everything would be great. But its not.
For once, I need a positive blog post, I really do. And or maybe something off topic besides my feelings all the time & negativity. Maybe tomorrow I can have some good news to talk about. I pray I will.