Monday, June 7, 2010

Venting..feelings -I just want you to go away!

This may be something I should write in my journal, but I am upset & crying and just need to get it out now, and I am a fast typist so here it goes.

I just feel so utterfly lost again. I wish I wasn't having these feelings, for my own sister. I feel like a bad person for them. My 21 yr old sister is pregnant, due at the end of August with a boy. Yes, I will be an Aunt. Just like she is/was to my sweet Naomi. My sister is having her baby shower this Saturday, June 12th, at my parents house, where I still am living. I am only 22 years old. I have been freaking about this event and just I would say "jealous" about it since I have known about it.

It upsets me because every other word or talk around this house is mentioning of my sisters baby shower and or her. I feel like I am left out. I am the oldest of 4 and for some time my mom has been quite close with my sister. They are always together it seems like and I feel like I am just not included in things. Yes my grandma and my mom went to go to SamsClub to gather things for the day, which is 5 days away. My grandmother wanted me to come, um no thank you. I have the wrong attitude for it all I KNOW. I just cant get past these feelings. I want to, I REALLY do. But when I think about it all, it makes me so sad & just sick feeling. Especially the fact how she couldn't go to Naomi's 1st birthday celebration, but under certain circumstances.

Family, and friends will be here at the house and neighbors, a baby shower should and is a happy thing. But you know, I think, in my situation, baby showers don't make it sure that a baby will come home with you near your duedate. Because of everything that happened to me, I just cant deal with baby showers. I haven't ever been invited to one, until, quite funny, not really but shortly after my daughter's death. I was like WTH! But I declined every time. My sister's would be the first one I would be going to. I am jealous & hurt because I didn't get to have one with Naomi, but one was about to be planned in the works just shortly before I had her. But I feel as if for my sister they are going all out (my parents). It hurts. They made up backyard nicer and just doing so much. I want to be happy for my sister & her husband, but I am not close with her anymore like I used to when we were younger.

I just do not know how to let go of these feelings. I have it set in my mind that I am not going to go and will spend the day with my best friend. But my mom is trying to tell me to at least go for an hr or 2. I don't want to see my neighbors and family and have them ask questions to me, my mom said they wont. Or I dont want them looking at me with sympathy or either asking what I have been up to. I have nothing to say. I haven't done much. I am not working, not in school, I need to be. I need to straighten out my life!

So basically by saying that to me "all attention will be on your sister". Gee thanks Mom. I feel like if I do try & go, I will end up crying and making a mess of myself & I don't want to even put myself in that situation, yet I feel maybe after its all over I may regret not going. I don't know what to do. I just wish I had my sweet Naomi here and everything would be great. But its not.

For once, I need a positive blog post, I really do. And or maybe something off topic besides my feelings all the time & negativity. Maybe tomorrow I can have some good news to talk about. I pray I will.


michelle hendrix-swords said...

oh jill! i can't tell you what to do, but i can tell you that what you are feeling is 'normal' if there is a 'normal'. i would advise not pushing yourself to do something you are not ready to do. i'm so sorry that you are struggling with these feelings right now. *HUGS*

Jill said...

Thank you Michelle! And here they are, my mom and gramda ever so busy preparing for the big day tomorrow. I keep thinking about how this should have been for my baby shower last year. Yes I have a new situation ahead of me, but I can't help it. It just hurts.

MissingYouAlways said...

girl dont feel bad for feeling this way! I think If I were in your situation I would feel the SAME way. it is still hard for me to be around other babies or other pregnant women. when Im around them all I can think is how my pregnancy went wrong. I lost my son and theirs will probably be perfect with no complications and they will be holding their baby in the end and taking them home (Not that I would want them to go through losing a child) but its jelousy for me.
im only 10 weeks pregnant now and am terrified every second of every day.
if you dont feel like your ready just sit your sister down and talk to her about how you feel.
Id hope she would understand.
if you want to talk more feel free to email me and ill give you my number so we can text. Id text ya now but i dont have my phone near me ugh.
ill be praying for you =)

Lauren said...

Hey Jill - You've been on my mind so much lately... How are you? I'd love to catch up with you soon. I tried emailing you but it bounced back. I hope you are doing okay. Hugs.


ryansmom said...

Hi Jill, I'm new to your blog and so sorry for the passing of your sweet baby girl. My son was born at 26 weeks due to severe preeclampsia. He fought for 16 days before we had to say goodbye.

I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same way about baby showers. Five people at my work had babies this year. I turned down all of their shower invitations. I'm now seeing a grief counselor to help me move forward with the shower thing as well as other things. Like you I need to get my life back on track. It's so hard. The feelings you expressed are what I feel too. My heart goes out to you.

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