Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Very unexpected news...

It has been quite some time since I last updated my blog, I am still all new to all of this as well. Things have been quite hectic, full of emotions, anger, sadness, grief, all in one!

Things do not happen or go as planned ever in my book of life, and in the midst of my grieving for my sweetpea Naomi, I got myself involved with the father again, thinking he was the closest I had to Naomi, knowing not even him could bring her back. We are no longer together, that is the end of that.

But, I unexpectedly found out back in Feb, Feb 17th to be exact, that I was pregnant. I went into an office called HOPE pregnancy thinking oh its going to be negative, because I had been testing negative since January. Just a missed period. Thought okay, maybe this is one of the months I skip and have it the next month. LMP, was Dec 17th. I take the test with the lady there, she explained 1 line is negative and 2 is positive. I tested and I see one line was about to get up and to go out of the office and she says no, theres 2. I said "WHAT?!". She said "yes, look the other one is faint but yes its there". I looked closer. My heart just dropped. I kept having to peek over at it, I felt my world just spun around again. And sure enough as we talked more the line got darker, there was definitely 2 lines. I started crying. I explained to her about my history of my past & just losing my daughter and still grieving fully for her.

I had no idea all my emotions would come out and be like this all over again. That was the same office I went to confirm my pregnancy with Naomi as well. I thought how can I go this? I am all alone, I have nothing, no car, no job, nothing. What will my parents think? My head was spinning. A pregnancy should be a happy an exciting thing. My case is different.

Alot has happened since then, for quite some time, I hadnt been excited. I wish I could but I couldnt. I was scared, mad,upset, hurt, all things I shouldn't be. I didn't want it. NOT talking about abortion, NEVER would I go through such a thing. I just was still i nthe midst of grieving and I couldn't take it all in still. Weeks went by, and it still hadn't hit me that I was pregnant again. Yes, I had the nausea, the tiredness, but I still did not believe I was pregnant. I kept it hidden for quite some time from my friends & family and it just was too much for me, too emotional, it was taking its toll on me.

Even, reporting before, going to my own sisters baby shower was very difficult for me EVEN THO I WAS PREGNANT. She has it all, 21 as well when I had my first pregnancy so is she, married, has a house, has it all, financially set. Me, I am not. Still to this day, I want to be happy for her, but right now, I can't. My own blood, my own sister. I will be an Aunt. It hurts me because this is her first pregnancy, she is already at 36 weeks and has a normal free pregnacy, and my 2nd so far is FAR from being worry free. I just did the best I could while there, holding back tons of tears and hurt. I feel jealous too, with my mom being so close to my sister, always being around her and yes this is her 2nd grandchild, but I feel like Naomi should be her first and isn't in a way. I was told about her news a few months after, my mom thinking it would be okay to tell me because she knew about my news. I just bawled my eyes out. It hurts.

I still have a lot of figuring out to do and what my plans are. Now, I am starting to be accepting of my whole situation, nothing I can do to change it. I am blessed & thankful to have a family caring for me & taking me back in at home during this time. Lots of things still going on, emotions I have to figure out & deal with, but so far, I am lucky to be where I am, especially in this pregnancy compared to last time. I will update more next on my pregnancy & where I am at now.


*Belle* said...

you are so strong even though you may not feel it at times.

Lauren said...

Hey Jill... You've been on my mind a lot lately. I tried emailing you, but your email was returned to me. I'm sorry to hear that things are tough for you. It doesn't seem far, but I'm here for you if you ever want to talk. Thanks for updating your blog, it's good to hear from you.


Jill said...

Thank you both Chelsea & Lauren! I have thought about you too as well Lauren! I visited your blog the other day, I had to catch up on things. I still have a few more updates tho too, alot has been going on. I don't have the Naomihope427@tmail.com email anymore unfornately. I had to lose that phone. I have a new phone, but no email on it. I do have my other email which is Shorty13ynature@aol.com. Feel free to email me there! I would love to hear from you! Bless you & thank you!

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