Today, I just feel empty. I look behind me and there is what used to be filled with gifts from the hospital, flowers, and baby baskets & get well balloons and cards, wipes, diapers that I had yet to put away. Now, it is covered with pictures of me holding my daughter & poems I wrote, and things on preeclampsia. It is now a memorial, that I will forever keep there.
I sometimes look at it and just say what a gift God has given me, to become a mother, my beautiful Naomi made me a mommy. Other times, I sit on the edge of my bed towards her memorial and just cry, I let it out. I talk to her, I plead with her to come back. Yet in all reality, I know shes not. I look at her pictures, trying to remember, walking up from the elvator, pressing the NICU button, them seeing that its me, they knew me. Every day I would be there visiting her getting updates, 10 to 12 hrs a day. They just knew me. Saying "hi mom, how are you". Being called mom. Still was new to me, but I liked it. I liked it.
I remember taking her little temperature, changing her tiny diapers and holding up her little legs so I can put the diaper under neathe her. I thought I would hurt her, because of how TINY she was. The nurse said no youre doing a good job. I remember her positions my favorite was when they had her on her tummy and her little bottom was sorta up in the air. She looked OH SO CUTE! I remember hearing her tiny tiny baby cries through her incubator. I remember holding her one time and her crying and I started to sing to her. She stopped. I calmed her. Her mommy.
Now, my life is changed FOREVER. I will be forever the mother of a baby girl, my first born, that I do not have. It hurts, it stings, it is just so painful. And to know that there are other mothers out there, way too many, it doesn't really help, yet it does, but my heart breaks and aches for them as well. Who would have thoughts there would be a community out there for all of us, or that I would be a member. Not me? Not any of us.
I just know, that I am thankful, to have gotten to meet her, to have had her for 35 days, to be able to do the few mommy things that I could do. I miss you Naomi. I love you. I just miss you. Please dont forget me.