Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Whirlwind of emotions

Grief. & My Daughter. I never thought in a million years that I would be grieving the loss of my very first born, baby girl Naomi Hope. I sometimes just think I am living someone else's story or life and that I am just somehow walking as a ghost from day to day.

Other days, I feel like, I am so proud of myself from where I have come, yet the grief never ends. I think people think or assume, I am "okay" because I am now expecting again. Not really. I grieve for my little angel every single day. I look at her pictures just wishing she would come back to me. I miss my little Naomi.

Earlier tonight, I got a call from a number I did not know but I answered it. It happened to be my roomie from the hospital. I was so surprised yet happy to hear from her. I have been thinking about her and her baby recently alot and was wondering how things were going. We talked about both of our experiences, she indeed having preeclampsia, I told her how sorry I was we had to meet in that way yet I told her how I am there for her in anyway possible. She even said I am welcome to meet her little boy, he is still in the NICU, her duedate isnt until Sept 30, so may be there a little bit until after that. I pray for him to continue on his positive journey ahead. I pray, for my friend, she is 17 years old. Very hard to go through, for anyone.

On the flipside of things, I had my OB appointment this morning, everything is going well so far, SO FAR. I am very happy where I am, passed my 28 weeks (first goal from DR), yet it saddens me, why couldn't I have made it this far with Naomi? I just will never understand. My doctor said I am gaining weight which is good, negative dipstick, (horray), and bps look great, and feeling baby movements as well. I had repeat PIH labs done and I will have results for those by Friday. So my 2nd goal is to make to 32 weeks. I am just praying, I make it to that, and further on. I was then told next appt which is on the 24th of August, I will have a 4D ultrasound done by my office. I am SO excited! I remember when I hadnt been excited in this pregnancy, just about a few weeks ago I started allowing myself to become excited yet, still have my safety guard up by a long shot.

I know that ANYTHING can change in the blink of an eye. I am not ready for that, but I have no chance do I? I just am thankful for where I am today, and I pray that it continues on this way. I want to thank my friends, and family & amazing mommy support I have had especially through the forums and mommies I met, makes me feel so good how supporitve and caring so many are. THANK YOU!


Lisette said...

I am happy to hear all is well with this pregnancy. I will be praying for your friend. ((HUGS))

Tami said...

Jill, I think of you, Naomi, and your sweet little Rainbow every day. You inspire me to possibly give my Corinne little siblings one day, to not be terrified of pre-e again, and to not be terrified of having a possible NICU stay again. And most of all I love how you keep Naomi a part of your family as she should be. You are an amazing mama to your girls. xoxoxo

Jill said...

Thank you both so very much. Its not easy, yet I am thankful each & every day that I am where I am today. Not a day that goes by that I do not think of all of you ladies as well. As I read more stories on loss, it just BREAKS ME TO PIECES. I cry, and I scream, STILL, I get so mad, I do not understand it, I never will. I even was on the pree boards last night ventured into the "grieving" boards and I read a mothers post on funeral arrangements and it just brought back EVERYTHING, I started to cry. Everything flashed before me.
I think of Naomi so much, and I just want to be able to tell Naomi's little sister all about her. But I am afraid of what she may ask of when she is older and able to understand more. I know its going to kill me, gosh getting teary eyed now! It hurts because I think also that people think oh now because i am expecting that Naomi is gone or forgotten and all focue on this little girlie. No way, she is forever in my heart & in my mind & will always be. I just wish I can go back to being with her again, even knowing the outcome I would be with her all over again just to hold her a little longer, I never wanted to say goodbye. But I am trying my best, so far I am doing well but I know anything can change, but all I can do is just hope & have *faith*. :) thank you both so much! & I believe one day Tami, you will give your little Corinne siblings one day! :)

jamie said...

I am so happy you are doing well. It does feel odd - after every good appointment I had with Lou I cried about the miserable ones I had with vincent.

Yippee for the third trimester :)

Jill said...

:( yeah thats how I feel. Its just so scary. I don't know if I can continue on sometimes, I just want to see that healthy little baby in my arms, we all do. Yet I want my little Naomi back so so much, none of my friends understand that I don't think. Unless they have been in my shoes. But I know she is with the angels and safe..thank you Jamie. Little by little, with hope & faith, I am on my way to making it! :)

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