Lots of thoughts, do they ever stop??

I have been doing a whole lot of thinking, especially since I have been home with my Sadie. Today, she is 6 weeks old. I cannot believe it. My time does really fly by. Soon, I will have to go and find work and someday go back to school. Scares the hell out of me, but I have to and I want to. I can't have Sadie when she is older look down upon me. I want to be a good example for her and I need to provide for her and working in a little store won't cut it. Besides, one day, I would love to meet a wonderful guy who accepts me and Sadie and I want to be able to say I made something of myself. I also hope that she understands why I did what I did and why "daddy" is not around. Nor would I ever call him that.

I think about the day I will have to leave her, I get upset because I just don't want to miss anything of her life but many mommies and daddies do it, its life. But I do see that when I return, it will make all our moments just as special and wanted.

Being I am living at home, I think, how am I going to get my own car, my own apartment, and be able to provide for her, diapers and wipes and toys and well I am pretty much set on her clothes but all of those nesscities for her. Then comes things for mommy like car payments (which I have never done, I am lucky I have so much help from my parents, but I want to be able to live and do it on my own, heck I am 23 for goodness sakes!) cell phone payments, rent, clothes, food, accessories for mommy too. I know there is alot to live and I want to be able to do it all, yet single parenting I KNOW is not easy. I am already feeling it. Yes living at home I have help but I do it all on my own pretty much. My mom offered several times to take her for a feeding or two at night in the beginning but I said no I got it. Yes I was extremely tired but thats what I craved for. After losing Naomi, I would have done anything to do what I am doing now. Thats what a mommmy does. And I am pretty darn proud of myself, I take such good care of my little girl.

Someday I just would like to be able to move out on my own with Sadie and have accomplished something too! I have a lot to do and work on but I am willing to do it for her and my sweetpea Naomi. She's rooting on her mama up there! I just do not know where to start, and I know it all does not come at once. I need to learn to cook too! I made a pact to myself i will give my little girl healthy food. I am not a junk eater nor do I care for fast food, and I want to have Sadie learn the importance of health, I just all in all want to be a great mother, simply like my mom. My mom and dad have done a wonderful job, and yet with all of this, I definitely see that parenting is the hardest yet most rewarding job in the world to have.

I love being a mommy both to my Naomi & Sadie. It is a lot of work but I would not change it for the world.

I also want to be organized! I want to have a picture album started for her, have all her pictures organized and loaded so I can and family and friends can see them. I want to have an album just for her halloween costumes and then a holiday one and all those fun in between things! I just have to figure out how to manage my time and all, something I am still learning, still need to try and get a little schedule too! Things are alot easier when there is a schedule involved I think! :)

I just had alot on my mind and I had to get it out, have a huge list of things to do, but have put it off for so long, if I can only do a few things each day I can get it all done!

Thought in a text...

The other night, I get a text from one of my good friends whom I met last year in the hospital after having Naomi. He texted me asking how Sadie was doing. I talk to him every now and then but not often. I paused for a minute and all these flashbacks came to me especially the ending of when I lost Naomi. I had been talking to him shortly in the hospital after I had told myself I was done with "the father of Naomi". He knew what was going on and even had known a lot and had police friends so had given me some advice while visiting Naomi. What came to mind was how that night I got the call and was in the NICU with my mom I started to text him and tell him Naomi wasnt going to make it. He was texting with me to relax and that she would be okay but I kept telling him no she wasn't going to be. He said he would come to see me after school or and when he would come to see his brother.

(His brother had a horrible thing happen to him around time I had Naomi and thats how I met him). But as it happened, I told him I lost her. And he surprised me and came up and was with my mom and I for a little bit and then went to be with his family. I remember him coming a few days before while Naomi was very sick and I took him up to meet her. She hadn't been opening her eyes and he tapped on her isolette and talked to her and he got her to open her eyes. I remember how I was "bummed" but in a happy way that he got her to and I couldn't. I kinda laughed it off, telling Naomi one day she will meet mommys good friend. Yet at that time I did start to like him.

I just cant believe its been all this time 17 months since I have lost my sweet baby girl. I did alot of crying yesterday, being she would be 18 months old. I hold Sadie alot and look at her and think would Naomi look like this, and the day when I have to tell Sadie she has a sister, but isnt physically here with us. Its going to be very difficult but something I have to do. I remember so much back then, especially after the fact I lost her, I was just overwhelmed with blur of things, I remember going to the ocean alot and I would see people and "hear them" but I wouldn't. It was all just there. I remember being rude to people, and I am NOT a rude person at all. I simply just miss her so much.

My, how time is just flying on by...

It has been a while before I have gotten a chance to update! I am such a busy & sleep deprived mommy but I absolutely love it and would not change anything for the world! Busy doing baby laundary, mama laundary, and between feedings and diaper changes and baths, and all that fun stuff, keeps me on my toes! Just wait until my little Sadie starts to crawl, now I think I am busy? Wait until then! I am oh so anxious for all of the "firsts" to start but then I get sad and think I won't ever get to see Naomi have this. But I know she is watching over and keeping a good eye on mama & her little sister.

A week or so ago, I had 2 incidents where Sadie stopped breathing while feeding and I had to swiftly pat her on the back a couple times to get her to breathe again, but it scared the CRAP out of me which had me shaken and in tears. How could I not? I did not like seeing her like that and I kept saying oh God please dont take this one away from me. I suffered enough already. So I made an appoinment for her pediatritions office because some of my friends thought maybe apnea or reflux. The on call dr there said to be on safe side to take her to the hospital for 24 hr admissions. Might I had, Sadie did NOT turn blue, but both times looked pale & once her eyes rolled back which freaked me out thought this is not good. So I took her to the hospital what a sad & scary time that was.

She had to get her vitals done, did not like the blood pressure cuff thingy, I had never seen such a tiny little cuff before! Then she had to get blood and urine done. They had to tie her little arm up just as they would a normal size patient and she screamed & cried, 2 nurses were in there helping and asked if I was okay, I had tears in my eyes and I started to cry I said no and they said I can step out while they do it. I did and cried more, but kept peaking in on her I HATED hearing her scream & cry and be in pain but it had to be done, I then came in when almost done and comforted her. They had her on with a gown that she was practically swimming in.

She did well tho, those whole 24 hrs they didn't see anything wrong on her tests or breathing or anything so could not say if it was apnea or reflux. We are now home and I have witnesses a little bit of spitups and well a few almost type gagging looks where she will open her mouth as if something is going to come up but doesnt. I got a voicemail this morning from her dr checking on her and wanted us to make an appointment this week to see her to check on weight gain and feedings so we will be going tomorrow morning at 8 am. I have a few questions on a few things so hopefully can get them answered.

Yesterday, I carved Sadie's first pumpkin. I was going to put both Sadie & Naomi's name on them but it didn't fit so I will be going back this week to get Naomi her very own. So far, things have been going well, I just cannot believe she is almost 6 weeks already. Time is going so fast! Sadie smiles so much now it is so cute and melts my heart. I like to think that it is Naomi whispering to her or talking to her that makes her smile.

I am anxious on whats to come & especially Christmas time, I will love to take her out on stroller rides to look at the lights and to sit on Santa's lap. But I do also think, in a few more months, I will have to start looking into working and schooling, which scares the hell out of me. I love being home with her but yet I know I have to support her, can't stay here forever. I just dont know exactly what I am going to do but I know in time it will all fall into place. I just am scared about where I will put her and I just dont want to miss anything in my little girls life! I love her & her big sister to pieces!

Baby Happenings :)

It has been wonderful being at home with a baby in my arms, to look at , to hold, to cherish every moment with her. I am so thankful to have made it, I did everything I believe in my power to bring home this baby. Yet, I feel guilty, guilty that my body still failed me, yes at a later stage, but why!? I don't get it. I am angered by it. What can a mom do to have a normal pregnancy? Nothing apparently. I for one, will never get that experience. If I *EVER* go on to have another one, it will be the same thing over again, all the worry and panic. But for now, and even forever, I would be happy and content with one little girlie here, and my sweetpea in Heaven, that I miss terribly.

I look alot at Sadie and ask myself is this what Naomi would look like at this age? Will Sadie grow up looking like Naomi would look like? I know I can't always think like that and have to look at Sadie as Sadie, but it is difficult. I have to work on that because it wouldn't be fair to her.

I though am kind of sad. I feel alone sometimes. That I don't have that perfect family, or "father" to share the joy of her being here. I refused to tell him she was here, but eventually did, but told him otherwise. I am really hoping that he will not come around and or serve me with court papers to fight for her, but I am READY, ready with every fiber in my body to fight for her custody and none visitation. I am going to do whatever it takes to protect my beautiful daughter. Would have done the same with Naomi. I think alot of all the pregnant moms who have happy husbands or boyfriends and me I feel alone. Yet I know I have so much support from friends and family but in the end, I am a single mother. I have to take my consequences. That is okay. I hope to one day, down the road, find someone who will accept me for me and my daughter, and maybe just maybe have another down the road. But who knows what in the future. I just hope to be a wonderful mom like my mom has been to me & teach this little girl all that I know. I want to make her proud.

Mama has to get things figured out soon, on schooling and work for the future. I want my daughters to be proud of me and so far I don't feel like I am of much worth. I want to succeed in life so I can have the same for my daughters. I don't want them looking at mommy as a failure. I just have been doing alot of thinking and I hope I can one day go back to school and do things right!


**My Beautiful sweet Naomi, how I miss you so much, I know you are continuing to watch over mommy & baby Sadie. I just wish there was a way I can see you one more time and hold you tight & never let you go**