I have been doing a whole lot of thinking, especially since I have been home with my Sadie. Today, she is 6 weeks old. I cannot believe it. My time does really fly by. Soon, I will have to go and find work and someday go back to school. Scares the hell out of me, but I have to and I want to. I can't have Sadie when she is older look down upon me. I want to be a good example for her and I need to provide for her and working in a little store won't cut it. Besides, one day, I would love to meet a wonderful guy who accepts me and Sadie and I want to be able to say I made something of myself. I also hope that she understands why I did what I did and why "daddy" is not around. Nor would I ever call him that.
I think about the day I will have to leave her, I get upset because I just don't want to miss anything of her life but many mommies and daddies do it, its life. But I do see that when I return, it will make all our moments just as special and wanted.
Being I am living at home, I think, how am I going to get my own car, my own apartment, and be able to provide for her, diapers and wipes and toys and well I am pretty much set on her clothes but all of those nesscities for her. Then comes things for mommy like car payments (which I have never done, I am lucky I have so much help from my parents, but I want to be able to live and do it on my own, heck I am 23 for goodness sakes!) cell phone payments, rent, clothes, food, accessories for mommy too. I know there is alot to live and I want to be able to do it all, yet single parenting I KNOW is not easy. I am already feeling it. Yes living at home I have help but I do it all on my own pretty much. My mom offered several times to take her for a feeding or two at night in the beginning but I said no I got it. Yes I was extremely tired but thats what I craved for. After losing Naomi, I would have done anything to do what I am doing now. Thats what a mommmy does. And I am pretty darn proud of myself, I take such good care of my little girl.
Someday I just would like to be able to move out on my own with Sadie and have accomplished something too! I have a lot to do and work on but I am willing to do it for her and my sweetpea Naomi. She's rooting on her mama up there! I just do not know where to start, and I know it all does not come at once. I need to learn to cook too! I made a pact to myself i will give my little girl healthy food. I am not a junk eater nor do I care for fast food, and I want to have Sadie learn the importance of health, I just all in all want to be a great mother, simply like my mom. My mom and dad have done a wonderful job, and yet with all of this, I definitely see that parenting is the hardest yet most rewarding job in the world to have.
I love being a mommy both to my Naomi & Sadie. It is a lot of work but I would not change it for the world.
I also want to be organized! I want to have a picture album started for her, have all her pictures organized and loaded so I can and family and friends can see them. I want to have an album just for her halloween costumes and then a holiday one and all those fun in between things! I just have to figure out how to manage my time and all, something I am still learning, still need to try and get a little schedule too! Things are alot easier when there is a schedule involved I think! :)
I just had alot on my mind and I had to get it out, have a huge list of things to do, but have put it off for so long, if I can only do a few things each day I can get it all done!