It has been wonderful being at home with a baby in my arms, to look at , to hold, to cherish every moment with her. I am so thankful to have made it, I did everything I believe in my power to bring home this baby. Yet, I feel guilty, guilty that my body still failed me, yes at a later stage, but why!? I don't get it. I am angered by it. What can a mom do to have a normal pregnancy? Nothing apparently. I for one, will never get that experience. If I *EVER* go on to have another one, it will be the same thing over again, all the worry and panic. But for now, and even forever, I would be happy and content with one little girlie here, and my sweetpea in Heaven, that I miss terribly.
I look alot at Sadie and ask myself is this what Naomi would look like at this age? Will Sadie grow up looking like Naomi would look like? I know I can't always think like that and have to look at Sadie as Sadie, but it is difficult. I have to work on that because it wouldn't be fair to her.
I though am kind of sad. I feel alone sometimes. That I don't have that perfect family, or "father" to share the joy of her being here. I refused to tell him she was here, but eventually did, but told him otherwise. I am really hoping that he will not come around and or serve me with court papers to fight for her, but I am READY, ready with every fiber in my body to fight for her custody and none visitation. I am going to do whatever it takes to protect my beautiful daughter. Would have done the same with Naomi. I think alot of all the pregnant moms who have happy husbands or boyfriends and me I feel alone. Yet I know I have so much support from friends and family but in the end, I am a single mother. I have to take my consequences. That is okay. I hope to one day, down the road, find someone who will accept me for me and my daughter, and maybe just maybe have another down the road. But who knows what in the future. I just hope to be a wonderful mom like my mom has been to me & teach this little girl all that I know. I want to make her proud.
Mama has to get things figured out soon, on schooling and work for the future. I want my daughters to be proud of me and so far I don't feel like I am of much worth. I want to succeed in life so I can have the same for my daughters. I don't want them looking at mommy as a failure. I just have been doing alot of thinking and I hope I can one day go back to school and do things right!
**My Beautiful sweet Naomi, how I miss you so much, I know you are continuing to watch over mommy & baby Sadie. I just wish there was a way I can see you one more time and hold you tight & never let you go**