Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Procrastination rhymes with WHAT?!

The aroma of Starbucks coffee and cinnamon baked goods, normally should get my taste loads flowing, but in reality, I wanna throw up. Pulls the trigger right about *now*. anyone??

I am sitting in the cafe at Barnes and Nobels now, Wednesday 11:00 am and I decided to not go to class today AGAIN, 2nd time in a row. What the JIGGINS is going On in my head to think it's okay to do such a thing?! I took a *break* from class yesterday, didn't go, and again today. Yes, I know what you're thinking, it's not high school anymore Jill. Last time I did that was 7-8 years ago. I am 24 years old, a adult, a might I add. I cannot afford to be doing that. One day, okay. But not two. I was given a pell grant to pay for my school which started in August. Why did I choose to do this now? Especially when the important stuff is just now starting. Phlebotomy and EKG ?!

We just learned phlebotomy last week. I have yet to read the chapter (update: I did today. For some reason I could not get this to post so I had to rewrite everything as I saved it. Thank god). Yesterday in class, we were supposed to perform the rocedure venipuncture on dummy and she would grade us on that. Counted as a test grade! Wasnt there. I wasn't ready. I was nervous for one, and two, I just did not study the steps enough. My friend was even willing to meet up with me to help me before class. I choose not to go. Today, I missed another written test which I was SO not ready for so I thought this morning before waking up, why go and take this test and fail it? Today they started on EKG. ah! Lots of important info I cant miss! I spent my day in the bookstore, blogging and studying like I should have earlier in the week.

I think ever since my breakup with my boyfriend a month ago, it has been getting to me. I cannot though use that as an excuse or anything else for that matter! When I was with him, we would always go and study. Now? I see myself not caring as much. This is for my daughters, Naomi and Sadie. I want to make them proud. I owe it to them, I owe it to myself. Do I want to stay at my parents house forever? Hell to the fudge no. I want to one day purchase my own car, move out and decorate my own little place how I WANT IT. I want out of here *one fine day* and by me doing this, I am not inching my way any closer out that front door. Why did I not go you ask? Simple. I was and am a total idiot. I had my weekend, well long weekend, I only have class class Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday. Mondays and Fridays are online. I usually do not do anything on those days thinking I can have my long weekend and procrastinated til Monday night and cram studying and homework in. No bueno. Not smart. Not working for me. I'm slipping. I feel it. I can't let myself get in that dark hole. I am NOT the smartest cookie in the world, not the brightest crayon.

I need to get in the habit of studying at least 2-3 hours a day. It is hard with a 13 month old. BUT, there are mothers, single mothers, who go to school, AND work AND take care of their child(ren). So I think I have it hard. I do, but not as hard. I need to ask for help. I dont't at home with Sadie. She is my daughter, I take care of her. I feel like I am a bad person or bad mother if I ask or accept it. I just need to figure out some type of schedule ie; playtime with Sadie, study time and exercise:mama time. I swear there is just not enough time in the day. I need to prioritize big time. I seem to have them mixed up. Facebook should NOT be on the first line. I am obsessed always checking it. I need to lay off just a tad. Maybe once my work and studying are all done, then I can play and "check". Others lives should not matter. They aren't the ones needing to study or will give me my A.

I needed to get this out. I already caught up on blogs. Which again should be the last thing. I am worrying every day if I don't catch up. Like Facebook. I think I will start making blog catch up days on Friday! I need to attend to my studies. I feel like I Screwed up by not going to class these two days. I missed a lot. A test and a procedure test and EKG info. I feel like I failed. I can change this. I need to. I have no choice. This is for my sweet girls, Naomi Hope and Sadie Marie . I would do anything for them.

let's get to the studying, shall we?!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


Lisette said...

Get to studying!!! It is really hard but you will get through it. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Elle's mommy said...

Hello, I found your blog and just wanted to say I am a mommy to a baby girl in heaven also. I am so sorry that we share the same pain...your girls are beautiful! I hope you rest in the peace that you will see her again someday...

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