Dear Ellen....I am that girl.

As a 24 year old single mommy, living back at her parents house, going on 2.5 years now, I don't have much time for myself, and that is OK. But when I do have time, I love to sit down, for an hour and watch Ellen. Weather I watch it when she is on or when I DVR it. For example, last night I watched 2 episodes of her that I had on the DVR. I don't watch much. Only Ellen and Dr Oz, and the Doctors, and Desperate Housewives. Otherwise, you won't find me sitting down watching tv. Just do not have time for it nor do I care to watch much.

I got into Ellen when I was pregnant with Sadie. After my 4 hospital stays, being stuck in bed, all I had was the TV and eating my meals or visitors to keep me occupied. So I found Ellen. Let me tell you, best find ever. She is absolutely HILARIOUS. I can picture her smile and laugh when she thinks something is just so funny. Makes me smile. Makes me laugh. Makes me cry Im laughing so hard. WHO does not like to laugh? Anyone?? Yeah, thought so. Well after I had Sadie, I continued watching Ellen. I even got my mom into it. My mom laughs so hard too! When you see someone laughing, you cant help but either laugh or smile. Laughter is contagious. I simply LOVE IT.

So as I sat down and watched my episodes of her last night. Ellen had on those ADORABLE British girls, Sophie and Rosie that have made like EIGHT million views on youtube of their singing of Superbass song of Niki M. It is SO freakin cute! She has had them on like three times I want to say already. The words that come out of her mouth and the accent gets me every time. I had a good laugh watching them. Ellen sent them to the VMA's to interview the celebritties. Also sent Rihanna to pay them a visit. You will have to watch that clip to see what I laughed about. Ellen asking them about a "sack of potatoes".

Then the next one had Black Eyed Peas on. I wanted to record that one because I had just went to their "break" concert. They are having a break NOT a break up. That was a pretty good concert! Cee Lo Green was there, TPain (BEST PERFORMANCE! out of them all and big time slot), Jason Derulo (I was dancing with "riding solo"), Sean Kingston, and Queen Latifah also had an appearance! Anyways, and in the middle of the show, Ellen surprised a deserving family.

Ellen is beyond generous. She is so kind. She has something about her you just do not see. Such a happy and energetic and fun person. Too bad I couldnt get to know her in person! Amd you cannot forget she is HILARIOUS! Well after that story, I just sat there and cried. I felt bad for the family, yet happy after what she had gave them. But I also cried, because that very same family, was ME in a nutshell. This family she had on, was from Florida. (Where I am from). The husband and wife have a 9 yr old boy and 11 month old daughter. The husband lost his job, and they had to move in with their mother in law, was only supposed to be for 3 months but has been going on for 3 years. Their car is in very bad shape and was about to be repocessed. The mother had to sell her own kids xbox to get money. They are scraping the car for "loose change". Yes. That is me.

Ellen surprised them with first a stroller and a couple baby supplies AND a years worth of DIAPERS. She also gave them $10,000 in cash. Of course brought out an X box so she can replace the one she had to sell for her son. Ellen told them they were "limited" on the amount of cars they were allowed to give out. Which had surprised me. She told them they werent able to get one so she gave them money to help out. Well turns out, at the end of the show, she surprised them with a brand new 2012 car (forgot the type). The mom was just SO SO very happy. HEck who wouldnt with a brand new car?

Yes, I am that family. Except I am a single mom, living at home, and yes with the help of my parents. and I HATE it. I do not want to live like this anymore. I am going to school to better myself, but sadly, I wont be out of here any time soon. I do not have a car. I used to be driving my parents old raggy van, but not anymore. I am stuck at home. I just cannot get a job right now. Not possible, I cannot afford daycare. I have absolutely no money to my name. I hate not being able to give to my own child. My parents have to help. Its embarassing, its sad, I cry a lot and lately I have. I said to my mom the other day, I cant get presents for my own daughter. After Naomi that was my dream, to have my child and obviously to support him or her. No my parents are. I ran out of the money I once had. Wasn't much due to a situation from my past. No, not drugs, not nothing of the means you could be thinking of. I PROMISE that one.

It is my DREAM, to have my own car one day, my own PLACE to call HOME. I see lots of friends purchasing new homes and decorating it. I am so happy for them but it saddens me a lot. I feel like I will NEVER get there. I do not want to be 30 and still living with my daughter in my parents home. I want to have the simple things in life. I want to be able to pay bills. I want to do it all. One step at a time, rings in my head by Paula DeAnda. I know I can do this, but just with a little help.

I was invited to a dear rainbow mamas birthday party for her son. I had to tell her today I cant go. I dont have a way over there, 2 hours away, nor can I afford a gift. It feel terrible and I am so sad. I love this little family. I simply cannot go.

So yes, after months of having it on my to do list, I have "wrote Ellen". I am asking for help. And again, I HATE IT. I do not and barely ever do I ask for help. But I am simply stuck. I have tried purchasing lotto tickets and scratch offs hoping to win "big". But that obviously was not in my cards. I am at my wits end of what to do. So yes, I am that girl. Will be sending out my letter today. I know it could be worse, I am lucky to have a home, to have food, to have my little clothing that I have and my sweet little girl. But there comes a time when that wont be enough. I simply need help.

Someway or another, I'm going to find you...

and getcha, getcha, getcha! Those are the words playing in my head right now. I swear, I can't get things out of my head. I feel like, I have been through the worst possible thing anyone can go through, losing their child. Yet, I always hear that "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle.". Really? I am not so sure I believe it just yet.

Sadie is here with me, after 4 hospital stays, and 298383 times taking my bp, googling this and that, and fears way beyond my control. She is here. But, doesn't mean God won't take her away from me too. Shit happens. I am beyond TERRIFIED something will happen to her. I can name the countless of ways that are in my head, but I better not, I am not ready for more waterworks tonight.

Earlier today, I had Sadie in the playpen with her toys and the danglily things from above that she is now learning to reach for and play with and toss up those oh so cute feetsies to grab! (Yes! TODAY SHE FOUND HER FEET AND WAS PLAYING WITH THEM, TOO CUTE!) (And I just LOVE the way she marlves at her little hands. Earlier tonight before bed, my mom was holding her and she put her hands in front of her face and just gave an odd type stare at them, we both laughed. Too cute to see her expressions, I sure wish I could be that amazed with my hands! Oh the imagination and all the things for a baby to see and learn!). Back to my story! I had Sadie in her playpen while I was doing some things on the computer and in eyesight of her, she was in playpen didn't think anything could happen.

I was on the phone with a friend who we are doing the March of Dimes walk this year together, and so I was trying to help her figure out how to put a photo on her page of her baby boy. I happened to hear this like almost like coughing/gagging noise and I thought oh maybe she was just coughing but when I realize it I jumped up off the chair and ran over to her. There is this dragonfly (a soft plush one) hanging from the overhang, along with her toys that she plays with, and the long tail of it was almsot halfway down her throat! She somehow got it like that, I quickly pulled it out, and picked her up. I was panicking althought I looked at her she was breathing, not gasping for air or anything but her eyes are all almost red and teary eyed.

Oh I just hugged her and said you scared your mama. my mom asked me what happened because she heard me freaking out and I told her. She took it off and threw it in the trash. I was so freaked out about that. I always am checking on her whevere I have her and most of the time she is with me in my arms and I continue t oget things done around the house. I just panic. Can you blame me?

So, backtrack, 2-3 weeks after she was born, I had that scare and had to take her to the ER after her pediatrition suggested I do so just to check her out and be on the safe side. Thank the lord everything turned out to be okay, but gosh. Strike 1, Strike 2 (earlier today) do I have one more strike!?!?

I am scared out of my mind. Honest to God, if anything happens to her, I will go with her. I will not live through another loss. I will not and cannot do it. I can't "beg God" not to take her from me. Thats what I was doing in the back of the NICU at 4am June 1, 2009. That did nothing. SO yeah, I am still struggling alot with my belief, but thats a whole another story.

I just know of so much bad in this world, I think about it, probably too much, I just do not want ANYTHING to happen to my baby girl.

Tuesday...

So...this week, Tuesday or Wednesday I will be going to Plantation General Hospital with Sadie to take some of her outgrown clothes of hers and bring them to the NICU that Naomi was in a year and almost half ago. I thought there was no better place to where they should go, in memory of my sweetpea Naomi. As I think about it, I picture myself walking in there, I can already smell the smell of the familiar hospital, I can see in my head the secuirty desk, I can see the little room I would always wait in around 6:30 til 8pm when they had shift change and the nurses can talk about the other babies with other nurses to catch up on them. I can see the familiar vending machine inside that room where I would always get my brownie bites while I waited. I can see down the hall to where the cafe is and where I would always go and get my bagel & apple juice in the morning after seeing Naomi. I can see the elevators that would lead me to the 2nd floor where the NICU was. I can see where I walk down that hall to ring the doorbell and them buzz me in, I can see the NICU desk, I can see the water & soap station where I would scrub up before going in to see her. I can see the other door that leads to Naomi and the rest of the babies. I can see the issolettes. I can see that Naomi's is no longer occupied by her. I can see that she is no longer there or here. I know that she is gone & it still KILLS me.

When I speak of her, or that she is gone or that I lost her, sometimes it just comes out of my mouth so naturally. It shouldn't. I shouldn't have to say that I lost my daughter. I am forever known as a mommmy of an angel. My stomach is in knots as I write this. I know I am doing a very good thing to help other mommies in need of clothing for their baby girls. I want to see the nurses & head NICU lady that came to Naomi's funeral. I was told to come either those two days so mroe staff can be there so they can meet Naomi's little sister. I don't know how I will be, will I cry? Will I tear up? Or will I try and be brave, and hold it in and just explode after I leave? I don't know, but I am still going to go. I have to, I want to.

Earlier today, my grandma was looking at my shelf of Naomi's memorial and told me I need to have Sadie's picture up there too. I imediately said NO! That is Naomi's place and I will have Sadie's pictures up in another area of my room. I don't feel right putting pictures of Sadie on Naomi's area. I could, maybe one, they are sisters, but I just don't know if I feel okay with that.

Today, I was also approached by a guy standing behind me in line of starbucks. He noticed Sadie, and comments let me guess 9 weeks? I said yes, we got to talking, he ended up having a 9 week old as well. He asked if I had her at PGH (the hospital pretty much down a few block from the Starbucks). I immediately said no, Memorial Miramar I said. I explained how I lost my first born at that hospital last year and i just did not want to go back to that hospital. Or well my mom suggested I try another hospital. Just because of the memories there and all that. I still can't believe this is all happened to me sometimes. I feel like so much time has passed yet I feel like sometimes it just happened yesterday,

I remember the day I lost her. I remember a few hours after, I was outside in front of the hospital with my best friend and another friend and my mom & dad. I remember it raining and I ran down the street just running and running, I wanted to go into the street. I remember collasping down on the sidewalk in the rain just screaming and crying. I remember my mom and dad on the grass on the phone with funeral arrangements, I remember my mo masking me what I wanted, I remember yelling just you guys both do what you decide. I rememebr I just could NOT and did NOT want to do anything reguarding that. I could not think, how could I? Sometimes I wish I had had some say in it, I wish I got to put her in her outfit to wear. I didn't. My mom did all of that. I just could not. My heart seems to be racing now. I just am rehashing it all. I guess I need to. I feel sick. I miss her. I really really miss her. And to know that today, tomorrow, every day several mommmies & families will experience this painful painful loss that will forever shape the rest of their lives. It just kills me.

Am I ready to go back? Its been almsot a year since I was last there. I was there in December for a support group meeting. I can do this. I want to do this. For my Naomi & other mommies.

Feeling a bit down...

I don't know what exactly it is about today, but I feel down, or I could say a bit depressed. I have kept in my tears all day today, besides crying a little bit in the car earlier when we went jet skiing with the family, and since then I just have been quiet and just all in all sad.

I think alot about the "father" of Sadie/Naomi. Its just such a shame that things had to be the way they are, and that he has to be the way he is. I think often how I wish I can have him meet his daughter, and us be civil, but NO WAY would it EVER be that way. It hurts alot. Yet I knew how he was and I ventured out and got pregnant again. I couldn't help it through my grief, I was so hurt, so distraught, so lost, confused, angry, just everything. Yet now I am alone, I feel alone. I know I am not the only single mom out there, breaks my heart. Yes I have my family, who are amazing and helping me out, I cant thank enough. But I just keep thinking, HOW will I EVER get out of my home? I am 23 years old, dont even have my own car, and yet my 15 year old sister is on a better path than I am.

I want Naomi & Sadie to be proud of their mama. I feel like I haven't done squat with my life. I need to go back to school, I need a job, I want to get a job, to be social again, and heck, to support my beautiful little girl. I just don't know how I can do it all. I know it gets done all the time. I just am SO lost, how do I start, WHERE do I start? HOW do I get back on my own two feet and someday venture out on my own with my daughter?

I am scared, very scared about it, being on my own, but heck, Ive done it before pretty much, even tho being married, I was pretty much independent on my own. So I CAN do it, I just don't know when or how it will be done. I have SO much to learn, to cook, thats a huge thing I want to learn before I go on my own, and so many other things. I feel like I don't have control of things. I want my life to go in a positive direction for once. I want to be able to say I am doing alot with my self I want to be proud of myself. I don't have much positive right now to say about myself and that makes me sad, hurt.

Today, I ate a meal and I just gobbled it down. I then had 2 pieces of bread with some spread on it, and 2 icecream pops, and a cookie I made. I feel like I BINGED. I felt like I was stuffing down my feelings with food. And, to those may not know, I had dealt with eating disorders at 14-21. I went through bits of anorexia, bulimia, and binging disroder. For a good year and a half I binged and binged, I balloned up to 155 lbs, at my small 5'1 frame. That was the biggest I had ever gotten. I NEVER thought it would come to an end, but it has and I am SO thankful I am done with all that. But today, I just don't know I feel sad. I feel depressed. I've got to do something about it. I just feel like I want things to be perfect, I want to be perfect, I want to do everything right for Sadie, I want to do everything on my list, I want to do everything, its impossible tho to do everything. I always make lists and I never get what I am supposed to do done. I am VERY limited in money, and I worry about it yet my parents do help me, but I am 23 for goodness sakes, and they have my brother & sister to take care of. I get worried, how will I ever build myself out of this mess?

I am also missing Naomi, as always. I watched her video the other day with Sadie in my arms. I just cried silently as it began. That was the 2nd time I watched it. Very hard, yet I still cannot believe she is gone. I heard myself talking to her, and the beeps, just so surreal sometimes still. I miss her. I always will.


I want to record and not miss any of Sadie's accomplishments and happenings. I take pictures of her daily, and I feel like I can't get enough of her! She makes me the happiest little mama. I want to get a book and start making her photos and make a beautiful book for her to keep as well. But again, the money. I want to get photo frames and have her pictures around my room as I have Naomi's on her little desk. I want to have matching things, but I don't, I got what I have and I am thankful for. I look at the other mommies, with thier husbands and everything seems to well managed, and I get upset, I dont have that nor will I? I hope to someday, meet a guy who will accept Sadie and I in his life. But first, I have got to get me situated, my schooling, my work, and of course make sure Sadie has all the love & things she needs. Its not easy, but I know it can be done. I just have to have <3 HOPE <3...