As if ONCE wasn't enough!?

A is for apple, B is for banana, C is for chocolate? No, youre fat, you can't be eating that.

"Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels".

Yes, when I was 14 years old, until about 19/20, I have dealt with eating disorders. All of them, well the 3 main ones. Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge eating. I thought I was "fat" at 124 lbs and I decided to restrict my caloric intake to about a meer 500 calories a day. I would know and research what I was eating. I belonged to "pro ana" websites and livejournals at the time.I would write down what I ate every day and count the calories. I met girls online who would help me with my sick obsession. It all worked for a while, I lost weight and was feeling pretty happy, yet I really wasn't. I jumped with glee when my family started to notice i was losing weight. I would go all day without eating much, come home from school and drink a few glasses of Diet Green Tea. That was my stuff then. The lowest I ever got was 106 at my small frame of 5'1.

Eventually, I caved in. I began to eat. A little too much because I was just starving. I starved myself for too long I needed to eat. I would get mad at myself and punish myself. Noone suggested it, but I did it. I purged. I did that for a while, but then I started to stop because I got scared. I thought and have read that you can die and choke. I then was stuck. I binged and binged and binged, I ate up all my feelings. My heightest weight ever, was 155 lbs at 5'1. Talk about YUCK. But, I was sick. I would eat a box of chocolate icecream bars (they were my dads) and I had to go to the store to replace them. I ate 5-6 peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches. I ate bread, and icecream, they were my go tos.I started taking out my hurt and anger because I could nOT stop myself from binging EVERY single day. I would do good for part of the day then I would ruin it all and just binge and binge. I would cry because I would not stop. It got to the point where my mom had to put LOCKS on the fridge and cupboards so I could not get into the food anymore. I was sick.

I would cry to my mom as well. She would tell me its okay, tomorrow is another day. I looked at it as, tomorrow is another day I am going to binge. I did this bingeing stuff for over a year. I went from 106 lbs, to 155 lbs. I got distructive at home, I was so upset with myself. I took it out on my family dog. I yelled, I screamed. I was a mess. ALl because of this food, I kept eatng and eating. My dad wanted to kick me out at 17 or so I think, but luckily my uncle and aunt offered to take me in, so off I went to Pennsylvania to live for 4 months during the winter. Then I also had trouble up there and wanted to go back home. But they wouldnt accept me back until a few months. I came back in April.

I still was binging when I got home. I even had an eating disorder therapist, we talked and what not she gave me her tips ands tuff, but it didn't really help. I went to an eating disorder clinic, inpatient, for two weeks. I met a great group of girls, all who had different stories and such sad stories. Eating disorders suck the life out of us all literally. I met and have kept a few friends from then and this September will be 5 years since I was there. I was 140 lbs then and came home and gained 15 more at my heighest.

I then went to a school and I don';t know what happened or came over me but I stopped cold turkey. I started restricting heavily again, and I dropped weight quick. I was on my way to thinville again. But I did not want to start the vicious cycle all over. For about 7 years, I dealt with all of this. It was pure hell.

Today, I am so very happy to say I am very well far from that road again. I remember 2 years ago or so when I was living with my ex, I thought, how great it feels to be able to be in control when I eat, stop when I feel full, not restrict, not over eat. It felt great. I NEVER thought I would get to that point.

Well, my grandmother is visiting, came down for my nephews baptism. We were sitting on the couch a few days ago and she said some comment I cant really remember but she basically said I was fat. It hurt me. Well, I just had a baby five months ago. I can't use that excuse much longer, but I did. I did not gain a LOT of weight, but nor am I super skinny. It takes TIME to get that off, some can get it quicker than others. I, really wasnt watching what I ate, but I never really ate alot these months, but my sweet tooth always got me. I didnt exercise either really besides little walks around the block. Well up when that comment was made, I did some changes.

I cut out eating sweets and breads started exercising more, sometiems even twice a day. Summer is coming up, I will be taking my Sadie to the water park (ohh I cannot wait!) so I must look good, I think! I do not have access to a gym now nor can I afford one, but that is not an excuse. The OUTSIDE IS FREE! I have legs, I have rollerblades, I can make up my own routines and get fit! I know I can. I have 10-15 lbs I would like to lose and stay that way. I am small, so any kind of weight on me you can see! I would like to lose my thighs and some arms and my tummy. My sister did, why can't I? I have my little girl to motivate me, I want to be healthy and set a good example for her.

Well, today, my grandmother made another comment. I was eating well all week, and was very proud of myself and exercising. I had just made myself a wrap with hummus, turkey and cheese that a friend suggested. I was so eager to try it, it was delcious! Earlier in the week I kept reading the back of a caramel syrup bottle with a recipe for a shake. Let me tell you, I NEVER make shakes. Well my mom went groery shopping today and I saw we had vanilla icecream (again we rarely have that but she bought it for my grandmother). So I wanted to make a shake, with 3-4 scoops of icecream, 3 tablesppons of caramel syrup and 1/4 cup of milk. I just was curious, I wanted to try it. So I just knew when pulling out the icecream my grandma may make a comment. I made my shake, and I had the SMALLEST amount, half of a SMALL cup. I gave the rest to her or my brother, she opted for it.

She said it was good, as I was finishing my little treat, she goes and I QUOTE "see, thats where you get your weight from". I stopped and didnt say a thing. Then I felt pain and hurt all over. I couldn't help myself and I let her have it. I said to her do you not remember when I lived up there for 4 months? I just had a baby 5 months ago, I am sorry I am not skinny or have the band like my sister does. I just took my daughter away and got ready for a walk. I was going to let my walk slide for the day, but after that comment, I had to go out. I knew I couldnt purge it, yet I wanted to, I CANNOT and WILL NOT go back down that path. I felt bad after wards for yelling at her, but I just couldnt believe another comment was hit my way. She then aplogized to me, and said it was a joke.

haha? very funny? um no, I didn't laugh. That was not a joke. So off I went with Sadie on a long fast walk and with some jogging in. I am glad I got it in I felt better after I came back but I was so hurt . especially after I was doing so well and she had to comment. My mom reminded me that my grandma has ALWAYS been like that. But still, it just hurt me. I am trying, I am pretty proud of myself. I have my sweet Sadie, I want her to see good role model behavior, and mommy has to be healthy to take care of her too.

Feeling a bit down...

I don't know what exactly it is about today, but I feel down, or I could say a bit depressed. I have kept in my tears all day today, besides crying a little bit in the car earlier when we went jet skiing with the family, and since then I just have been quiet and just all in all sad.

I think alot about the "father" of Sadie/Naomi. Its just such a shame that things had to be the way they are, and that he has to be the way he is. I think often how I wish I can have him meet his daughter, and us be civil, but NO WAY would it EVER be that way. It hurts alot. Yet I knew how he was and I ventured out and got pregnant again. I couldn't help it through my grief, I was so hurt, so distraught, so lost, confused, angry, just everything. Yet now I am alone, I feel alone. I know I am not the only single mom out there, breaks my heart. Yes I have my family, who are amazing and helping me out, I cant thank enough. But I just keep thinking, HOW will I EVER get out of my home? I am 23 years old, dont even have my own car, and yet my 15 year old sister is on a better path than I am.

I want Naomi & Sadie to be proud of their mama. I feel like I haven't done squat with my life. I need to go back to school, I need a job, I want to get a job, to be social again, and heck, to support my beautiful little girl. I just don't know how I can do it all. I know it gets done all the time. I just am SO lost, how do I start, WHERE do I start? HOW do I get back on my own two feet and someday venture out on my own with my daughter?

I am scared, very scared about it, being on my own, but heck, Ive done it before pretty much, even tho being married, I was pretty much independent on my own. So I CAN do it, I just don't know when or how it will be done. I have SO much to learn, to cook, thats a huge thing I want to learn before I go on my own, and so many other things. I feel like I don't have control of things. I want my life to go in a positive direction for once. I want to be able to say I am doing alot with my self I want to be proud of myself. I don't have much positive right now to say about myself and that makes me sad, hurt.

Today, I ate a meal and I just gobbled it down. I then had 2 pieces of bread with some spread on it, and 2 icecream pops, and a cookie I made. I feel like I BINGED. I felt like I was stuffing down my feelings with food. And, to those may not know, I had dealt with eating disorders at 14-21. I went through bits of anorexia, bulimia, and binging disroder. For a good year and a half I binged and binged, I balloned up to 155 lbs, at my small 5'1 frame. That was the biggest I had ever gotten. I NEVER thought it would come to an end, but it has and I am SO thankful I am done with all that. But today, I just don't know I feel sad. I feel depressed. I've got to do something about it. I just feel like I want things to be perfect, I want to be perfect, I want to do everything right for Sadie, I want to do everything on my list, I want to do everything, its impossible tho to do everything. I always make lists and I never get what I am supposed to do done. I am VERY limited in money, and I worry about it yet my parents do help me, but I am 23 for goodness sakes, and they have my brother & sister to take care of. I get worried, how will I ever build myself out of this mess?

I am also missing Naomi, as always. I watched her video the other day with Sadie in my arms. I just cried silently as it began. That was the 2nd time I watched it. Very hard, yet I still cannot believe she is gone. I heard myself talking to her, and the beeps, just so surreal sometimes still. I miss her. I always will.


I want to record and not miss any of Sadie's accomplishments and happenings. I take pictures of her daily, and I feel like I can't get enough of her! She makes me the happiest little mama. I want to get a book and start making her photos and make a beautiful book for her to keep as well. But again, the money. I want to get photo frames and have her pictures around my room as I have Naomi's on her little desk. I want to have matching things, but I don't, I got what I have and I am thankful for. I look at the other mommies, with thier husbands and everything seems to well managed, and I get upset, I dont have that nor will I? I hope to someday, meet a guy who will accept Sadie and I in his life. But first, I have got to get me situated, my schooling, my work, and of course make sure Sadie has all the love & things she needs. Its not easy, but I know it can be done. I just have to have <3 HOPE <3...