As the clock turned 12:00 April, 27 last night, I started bawling my eyes out. I lay in bed just waiting for it to turn. After I was able to calm down from about 10 minutes of crying, I talked to my beautiful angel & through more tears, managed to say "Happy 1st Birthday Naomi". I couldn't bring myself to say the words.
I awoke this morning to go to a mass my neighbor had arranged last June after she passed, to be on her 1st birthday this year. I was surprised that both my sisters and brother came along with my mom & I. I was not expecting that at all, my one sister & I are not on the best of terms, nor my brother. But that made me happy. He also made a donation (first one) to this box I plan on having at Naomi's birthday celebration tonight, that will go to our team in memory of her.
After the mass, my mom & I went to the grocery store to pick up things for tonight. We are having her birthday celebration at a nice local park, with some food and snacks, and my best friend is making cupcakes. I asked her to do it because she is a BEAUTIFUL baker, and does it ever so perfectly. I wouldn't have asked anyone to do so. She has done SO much for me and continues to do so, I couldn't ask for a better friend than her. We will also be reading "Sweet Dreams Mimi". A book that I had bought before she was born, the only book I had bought for her. I used to nanny and they had that book and I thought it would be perfect for her because "mimi" is a nickname for Naomi. So my mom asked if it would be okay to read that. I'm not so sure I will be able to, but if not Im sure my mom will.
I went back to sleep after we got home, I am not used to getting up so early anymore,while my mom preparred some things for tonight. I felt guilty but I just couldn't do it. I am very nervous, and sad about tonight. I keep crying on and off all day today. I thought maybe I shouldn't have planned something like this but I wanted to. I just don't know how its all going to go and I dont want to be a mess in front of everyone. But they "understand".
My mom bought me a gift yesterday of sweetpea candles & sweetpea lotion set. She said she wished she can buy all my sadness and bring Naomi back. I didn't think much of it but then she told me I would always call Naomi "sweetpea" in the NICU. So thats why my mom got that set for me. I have both the 2 candles burning today on her special day.
My mom also gave me another gift this afternoon, a beautiful little jewelry box engraved with Naomi Hope and hearts and in memory. A beautiful charm bracelet as well with her name engraved on a heart, an angel, babyfoot prints, and a butterfly.
I just wish today was a happier day. I remember speaking to my mom this morning about how my mom and sister didnt think they would make it to be there for my surgery but they rushed over and my mom told me today she remembered trying to get a peek of Naomi but the curtains were tightly closed. She then remembers seeing lots of doctors/nurses around her and then taking her off to the NICU and in her little room in her incubator seeing her for the first time. They said she was so tiny but so perfect.
Oh I miss my beautiful sweetpea, & love her so much.
Dear my sweet Naomi,
You made me a mommy on this day last year, I will never forget it. I remember hearing a cat's meow as mommy explains it to everyone as tears streamed down my face. I was a MOMMY! A proud mommy at that. You were only here for such a short period of time, but mommy is so very blessed to have been able to meet you, and share you with my friends & family. You touched so many lives in such a short period, and will continue to do so. Not a day goes by that I do not think of you and the joy you brought to my life. I will continue keeping you & our story alive, and helping other mommies along the way as well. I hope you are celebrating up in Heaven with your angel friends and one day, I will be up there with you too, holding you and giving you lots of love, kisses & hugs. I love you Naomi Hope. Happy 1st Birthday and 1st year in Heaven.