I just had a huge breakdown that I haven't had in a while. I was laying in bed, and I keep looking at the date on my phone. April 14, the means 13 more days until Naomi's birthday. I have no idea what I want to do exactly or who to invite or have it small. I am clueless. My brain just does not seem to want to function. I took out my pregnancy journal and reread my entries, and the last one was April 18th, and I wad admitted April 24th. I took out her memorial box that the hospital gave me and took out her little famous yellow hat.
I just started bawling my eyes out. I took a hold of Naomi too. I just was screaming and calling out her name. This can't be real. She can't be gone. She is. I keep thinking by repeating her name over and over loud and louder, some miracle will happen and she will appear. I couldn't contain myself into my mother heard me and came to my rescue. I feel like I have not seen Naomi in forever, yet in a way it feels like I just gave birth to her yesterday. All I want it to see her again, hold her. I miss her SO much, more than words can explain. The love I have for her, is endless. I love that little girlie so so so much.
I can't believe I still hurt this much, but possibly because her birthday is just about 2 weeks away.
Saturday, April 24th, I am invited to a memorial tree planting, lunch, and live butterfly release. There was one held in October last year, but it was still very fresh (in June) from losing Naomi and could not bring myself to go. I want to try and go this year. Just so happens that April 24th, a year ago, was exactly when I got admitted into the hospital. My mom is working that day, I may go alone, or ask my best friend to attend with me. I am not so sure. But I am definitely going.
There is a wonderful mommy working on a video/collage of Naomi's pictures and videos. I am sort of excited to see the finished product and hoping to be able to show it around Naomi's birthday. If not, thats okay too!
I just want her to know that she is a loved little girl and is missed dearly.
Just also found out 2 days ago, it TORE me apart, that my younger yet almost same age as me sister, is expecting, due at the end of August, with a little boy. I had kind of figured or guessed awhile ago but was never confirmed until 2 days ago. I noticed she was getting bigger but didnt have that "belly" or "pregnant look". And just like always I am kept in the dark about EVERYTHING, and am the LAST to know, yet I am the oldest. Yet I would have been mad if my mother kept it from me longer. I bawled my eyes out once I found out. She is married, and is basically "all set" financially. I am not happy for her..not yet at least. I was saying all negative things out of hurt & anger. But I did confront her today and told her Congrats and she looked at me with a sad face.
My mom kept saying, youre going to be an Aunt and I can help her, because she knows absoutely nothing about babies. The only baby she held in her life was my daughter, Naomi. In time, I hope to be happy, just now, I'm not. I think, shes going to have a baby shower, everything is just going to be all excitement. I remember when my mom was starting a blanket for Naomi. Naomi was their first grandchild ever. And now shes not here anymore, and now they move on to this. It just hurts.
I am in a situation, will explain in another post but I am not happy about it, scared, and just it hasn't hit me yet either. My head is just 10000 places at once.
I don't know how to continue on, I really dont. My life has gone to pieces ever since, I cant seem to want to go out and find a job and or help myself. No one else can do the job for me, I have to. I keep saying I need to work on things but I dont. Time is just flying by, and nothing is being done.
I just know that if Naomi were here, things wouldn't be this way. Yes it would be difficult im sure with a preemie baby, but I know I would manage. I just dont know what to do in this situation, with the rest of my life. Its scary, growing up is so scary, I just want to hide in my room forever, but I know I cant. I need to face "life" again. I am just terrified.