Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I am losing it

I just had a huge breakdown that I haven't had in a while. I was laying in bed, and I keep looking at the date on my phone. April 14, the means 13 more days until Naomi's birthday. I have no idea what I want to do exactly or who to invite or have it small. I am clueless. My brain just does not seem to want to function. I took out my pregnancy journal and reread my entries, and the last one was April 18th, and I wad admitted April 24th. I took out her memorial box that the hospital gave me and took out her little famous yellow hat.

I just started bawling my eyes out. I took a hold of Naomi too. I just was screaming and calling out her name. This can't be real. She can't be gone. She is. I keep thinking by repeating her name over and over loud and louder, some miracle will happen and she will appear. I couldn't contain myself into my mother heard me and came to my rescue. I feel like I have not seen Naomi in forever, yet in a way it feels like I just gave birth to her yesterday. All I want it to see her again, hold her. I miss her SO much, more than words can explain. The love I have for her, is endless. I love that little girlie so so so much.

I can't believe I still hurt this much, but possibly because her birthday is just about 2 weeks away.

Saturday, April 24th, I am invited to a memorial tree planting, lunch, and live butterfly release. There was one held in October last year, but it was still very fresh (in June) from losing Naomi and could not bring myself to go. I want to try and go this year. Just so happens that April 24th, a year ago, was exactly when I got admitted into the hospital. My mom is working that day, I may go alone, or ask my best friend to attend with me. I am not so sure. But I am definitely going.

There is a wonderful mommy working on a video/collage of Naomi's pictures and videos. I am sort of excited to see the finished product and hoping to be able to show it around Naomi's birthday. If not, thats okay too!

I just want her to know that she is a loved little girl and is missed dearly.

Just also found out 2 days ago, it TORE me apart, that my younger yet almost same age as me sister, is expecting, due at the end of August, with a little boy. I had kind of figured or guessed awhile ago but was never confirmed until 2 days ago. I noticed she was getting bigger but didnt have that "belly" or "pregnant look". And just like always I am kept in the dark about EVERYTHING, and am the LAST to know, yet I am the oldest. Yet I would have been mad if my mother kept it from me longer. I bawled my eyes out once I found out. She is married, and is basically "all set" financially. I am not happy for her..not yet at least. I was saying all negative things out of hurt & anger. But I did confront her today and told her Congrats and she looked at me with a sad face.

My mom kept saying, youre going to be an Aunt and I can help her, because she knows absoutely nothing about babies. The only baby she held in her life was my daughter, Naomi. In time, I hope to be happy, just now, I'm not. I think, shes going to have a baby shower, everything is just going to be all excitement. I remember when my mom was starting a blanket for Naomi. Naomi was their first grandchild ever. And now shes not here anymore, and now they move on to this. It just hurts.

I am in a situation, will explain in another post but I am not happy about it, scared, and just it hasn't hit me yet either. My head is just 10000 places at once.
I don't know how to continue on, I really dont. My life has gone to pieces ever since, I cant seem to want to go out and find a job and or help myself. No one else can do the job for me, I have to. I keep saying I need to work on things but I dont. Time is just flying by, and nothing is being done.

I just know that if Naomi were here, things wouldn't be this way. Yes it would be difficult im sure with a preemie baby, but I know I would manage. I just dont know what to do in this situation, with the rest of my life. Its scary, growing up is so scary, I just want to hide in my room forever, but I know I cant. I need to face "life" again. I am just terrified.


*Belle* said...

Oh JIll i'm so sorry, I had a breakdown yesterday i was home alone though just me and the dog, When Dave came home I had to suck it up b/c i didn't want him knowing what is going on. But what started my breakdown was shopping for a mothers day card for my mom, needless to say i didn't buy one just came home and cried for hours. what i'm trying to say it's ok to act like you do we lost our babies and know one knows our pain but other like us. ((((HUGS))) and i'm sure what ever you do for Naomi's birthday she will be proud.

Michelle said...

This is such a hard thing. The only advice I can give you is to do and feel what your heart tells you. You are grieving and it's ok to feel the way you are. As for your sister being pregnant. It's ok to be upset. Just make sure you let her know you love her and are just trying to work through your feelings. It has nothing to do with her baby. I hope things can look up for you quickly. This is so hard!!!


Lisette said...

I am sorry you are going through all of this. It's hard and feeling what you are feeling is completely normal.
As for your sister, I am sure she understands your feelings. Just don't hold it against her, I am sure she never wanted this for you. Talk to her and explain your feelings, she needs to know what you are feeling, you are not upset with her or the baby. This world has a cruel way of doing things and unfortunately you and I are no exception to the rule. Life is hard, life without your baby is even harder. I understand you, ((HUGS)).

Jill said...

Thank you ladies. Yes, even when I have been (very few times) because I just havent been out of the house much lately or cared to go in stores, but when I have came across Mother day cards I just like cringe and get a sick feeling, even in my situation, I just remember when my mom/dad got me flowers for mothers day, and in a card said that Naomi owes my dad money for the flowers "as a joke". I happened to glance at those cards that night too. I havent even picked up my mom a mothers day card yet! eeks. I was too busy thinking and feeling sorry for myself and others going through my same thing.
And *Belle* I am so sorry you had your breakdown as well. Even when I see baby shower cards, or anything related, I just feel so sad because I go back to when I had Naomi, or was pregnant with her. EVERYTHING SEEMED SO PERFECT AS IF NOTHING COULD GO WRONG. I also have some preeclampsia brochures left in the car that I still needa hand out, and being that both my mom and I had it (she was more full term & had it with me, her first pregnancy), I dont know if I should hand one to my sister or not, or she will think that I think she may get it. I dont know. Or I will just stay quiet and let her be. I found out last night she is having her baby shower in June, (the month Naomi passed away) and at my parents house where I am staying. Ive never been to a baby shower before, I always shoot them down. Now for my own sisters, I dont know what I am going to do.

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