Sunday, September 5, 2010

Random Thoughts/Happenings

Since my hospital stay, and a bit before that, I had been getting up in the middle of the night and staying up for a few hours. I just could not and cannot sleep. I don't know if that is my body getting me ready for the sleepless nights ahead, (and I tell you I CANNOT wait!) or what.

I tend to sleep a few hours, and get up and stay up for a couple hours then go back to bed for hours on end and sleep and sleep. I am so tired during the day, but more awake at night. I do have anemia, so that could play part in it, but who knows! I also think I am getting anxious for the big day, whenever that is! I cannot believe I am 33 weeks already, and boy did it take some trucking along with lots of scares and hospital stays to get here. But that is OKAY!

I am kind of upset, because I never got to really enjoy my pregnancy, in the beginning, I was scared, upset, and just plain did not know what to do. My thoughts about parenting were all up in the air and how would I do this all on my own? Luckily, by the grace of God, I have my family, my amazing family who has never shown me otherwise. I slowly began to get excited towards mid pregnancy, yet still didn't allow much of it, because I didn't know what was ahead of me, heck I STILL don't. But I believe I am at a much farther time (5 weeks) then when I had my sweetpea Naomi.

I also did not get to plan or decorate a nursey persay. I only bought one little onesit outfit, I saw it in the store, and just had to get it. 3 months size, light blue and brown and it says "mommy's little sweetie" with 3 cupcakes on it. Made me think of my best friend and it was just too cute to pass up. I have it hanging in my closest in plain view. I have some gifts I was given/sent in a corner up in my closest and a few toys sent as well. Slowly it is growing. I just keep looking at it and thinking will I end up throwing it all away or all over my room ? I can't help but think something will go wrong, I am still not in the clear, but for the most part yes. I just know, any little thing can go wrong, but I am trying my best to think positive.

I still do not have a crib, or changing table, or rocking chair or any of that stuff. And I am kind of freaking because, heck I may have 6 more weeks to go! That is a month and a half away, and TIME FLYS! Will I really have a baby in my arms? Will I be waking up to cries in the middle of the night, music to my ears? Will I have a little baby to wake up to just to watch sleep? Will I....?

But my mom told me today, she wanted to surprise me, with a pink painted dressor so I can still have Naomi's memorial in my room. I just about cried. Her memorial means so much to me, I have her pictures, poem I wrote, my March of Dimes tshirt with her picture on it, lots of "hope" words, and preeclampsia information around it as well. I will forever keep all of that, I want her little sister to know all about her. So that touched my heart when my mom told me that. She also suggested where the crib should go and changing table. I have a small room, but it will work!

Today, I heard my mom talking to my sister, who just had her firstborn, and I don't know what happened but I just started to cry, I had to shut my bedroom door and cry. I am happy for her of course, and yes I am pregnant. But I just automatically think about Naomi, and think would should have been. How come I am empty handed with out her? How come I had to go through all of that? Why me? Why my precious little angel? And it just felt like I lost her all over again, my emotions so raw, the pain is just horrendous, I felt like throwing things! And I hadn't felt that way for a good while, after losing Naomi I surely did. I eventually calmed myself down, but I just don't understand why I have these breakdowns especially when I hear talk about the baby and my sister. I can't be doing that. I am very emotional, I can't help it. :(

My baby shower is in a week from today. I will be 34 weeks and 2 days. Amazing, huh? That is my 3rd goal from my Doctor. I pray, I make it to my shower.I just want to be able to have that big belly and be able to show it off, I never had before. Even tho I am still on bedrest, I think it is okay to go to my own shower, but stay seated the whole time. I want that experience. And heck, a baby shower helps! :) It will be a great time to be with friends and family whom I haven't seen in so long and who have continued to be there by my side through this journey--and boy have I needed it.

I thought I would have to cancel it, due to the fact I was in the hospital and not thinking I would be out, until I have her. I am very excited for my shower, I never had one with Naomi. It was in the works of being planned. My friend, is throwing me a shower, I have so many friends from high school who I haven't seen in so long but had wanted to come, and I am more than greatful for that. My mom & sisters of course will be there, and a few of my friends husbands and their little kiddies. I am kind of nervous tho, to see everyone. I can't thank all of my friends and family & mommies out there who have sent things my way already! It means the world to me! I have many thank you cards to write and I cannot wait! THANK YOU :) from the bottom of my heart.


MissingYouAlways said...

oh hun I am so glad you have gotten as far as you have!! I hope I have the same luck! and I too am feeling very overwhelmed with the loss of my son, expecially as I approach the gestation I lost him in just a little over a week
your baby girl and you are both in my prayers and thoughts

Jill said...

thank you!! I actually read your blog the other day and was going to write you but I dont know what happened! It is very hard, I know, and people that havent experienced a loss like us just do not understand. They think because we are pregnant again that everything goes away. It doesnt. ;( I wish you well too! Do you have fb?

MoDLin said...

I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing over Naomi's loss. Though it likely will always be with you, the intensity will fade. Be kind to yourself and let yourselve grieve.

I hope you have several more uneventful weeks (except for your shower!) and that you are able to deliver full term. Best wishes.

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