Random thoughts & Update on Pregnancy

Since I had been home from the hospital, I had been having high bp readings. About only 4 of them out of the 25 times I took it over course of a few days were normal. Of course, I started to get worried. Bedrest at home is alot different than at hospital. Yes I was in bed or on the couch for the most part, but I had to get up to shower and make my food and use the restroom. So at 2 in the morning of my doctors apt on Friday, I had the worst headache I had ever had, it was pounding. My bp was quite high then and I decided to take tylenol, no luck with that. This headache lasted for HOURS and HOURS. I got ready for my appointment and drove myself there. I took my blood pressure machine with me to see how close it was to the office one. While sitting at a light, I took my bp. It was 143/102, with my head just pounding. I started to then speed to get my apt. I arrived & explained I was not feeling well and hopefully I could be seen quickly and also because I had another apt at 10:15 with my regular ob to get the 4d ultrasound done as well as just having regular checkup. I was excited I would finally get to see her because I missed last apt due to me being in hospital.

Well I get in the office and my bp was taken, 145/85. It was high but not as high as before. I explained to the doctor about my horrible headache and we took a look at the baby to look at everything and also follow up on the fluid in her kidneys. It is still there unfornately, but not something to where he is so concerned about, the level is not too too bad. My baby girl weighs 4lb 14 oz. That just blue my mind and made me happy, even tho I was not feeling well at all. Doctor came back in and told me he was going to admit me for preeclampsia. I told him I was already diagnosed by my OB with mild preeclampsia at 25 weeks, but he had said I didn't have it then due to me not having the bps, just protein. But I knew I did as it was.

So then, I proceded with the admission forms and took myself up to L&D floor. I started to panic because with Naomi, I was admitted on a Friday, by a mfm as well, and ended up delivering her on a Monday. Today is already Sunday, but I know I am not as sick as I was before, THANK GOD, and I am alot further along. Yes I do have more symptoms than I had when I was here last time, about a week ago. I am swollen pretty much all over, I notice my face, eyes, feet, and hips. I also awoke last night with nausea and I have had a lot of "heartburn". Worries me because I read on a mommy's blog how she always thought she had horrible "heartburn attacks" but come to find out it was URQ pain from HELLP. Still have some headaches, but the nausea is new, so I will be letting my doctor know about that today. 24 hr results should be in sometime today as well. Bloodwork is fine one thing was a little off, I still have to ask about that, bps have been okay.

So I am 34 weeks and 2 days, and this tiem I refuse to let them release me. I am so close, and I know I am nearing delivery, and I am okay with that. Because I know sometiems baby is better off outside of mommy than in but so far she is doing great, its just mommy that isnt feeling so hot!I just get mad and upset alot because of this horrible thing called PREECLAMPSIA that has robbed me and so many other mommies of our babies and our health and a "normal pregnancy". I will never have that. Never. And here, I absolutely LOVE children and babies, since the age of 10, I just have had that natural love and attention for children. I have had to walk on my tippy toes and pins and needs day by day week by week throughout this whole pregnancy. I had not been able to enjoy much, just a big huge worry wary for every little ache and pain. My friends & family just do not understand, they can try to but they just cant. It hurts alot, I cry alot, I miss Naomi alot, I jsut wish things were different. I have been robbed of just the all excitement about pregnancy (I am as scared as ever, had been each hospital visit as gotten me weeks on closer), my baby shower was supposed to be TODAY. I am so bummed about it. I never got one with Naomi. It was in the works.

My friend had this one scheduled and planned for a while now, and everyone was set to come. But due to this again, I had to cancel and reschedule for a welcome home baby shower. But I don't want everyone around my little girl, I just do not feel comfortable with that, so I can maybe make it to closer friends and family? I am not sure. But I want my shower. I want thate xperience, I wanted to be able to be happy and have my big belly and dress up and see all my friends, but I know my health and babies are very important. It just hurts. I am getting robbed, again.

The other day, I spoke to my sister, and asked how she was doing and baby. I had told her she sounded quite tired. She told me she doesn't know how I am going to do it. Which upset me, quite alot, but I did not say anything. Yes she is married, yes she has her husband to help. Yes I am going to be a single parent, for the time being and living at home. But does she not remember who I am? I have cared for SO many babies and toddlers and children. I pretty much know what to expect. I was a nanny for a 3 month old baby boy and eventually his little sister at 2 monnths as well. I took care of them for 10 hours a day, yes parenting is 24 hours, but I have had so much experience and I have a natural take to children and babies. I know it is alot of work, and I cannot wait. God Bless mt sister, I love her, but she has never taken care of a baby before let alone child, never really baby sat or had been interested in them. So yes this is all new to her. I cannot wait to be so exhausted, wake up to a crying baby, or to just look at her while sleeping. It just bothered me that she had said that.

At an ending note, I just want to thank all the support of my friends and family during this whole time, both grieving & this pregnancy and how many times I have been in and out of hospital. It has not been easy but due to all of the support and prayers and talking with me asking how I am, I cannot tell you how much it all means to me, especially the mommies out there from the boards & all. Means so much to me. Thank you all. I am very thankful to have made it this far, and I cannot wait to meet my little girl, whom I still need a name for, have a few picked out! Just want to be 100% certain. :)