South Florida's First Annual Promise Walk for Preeclampsia!!!

Proteinuria, High blood pressure, sudden weight gain, blurred vision/changed vision, headaches, nausea are all signs of Preeclampsia. Some, are even *normal* symptoms of pregnancy. But, to a degree, they aren't. The Preeclampsia Foundation's motto is "Know the Symptoms, Trust Yourself".Boy do I wish I spoke up more or insisted they test or do something during my pregnancy with Naomi. For a good part of my pregnancy, I knew someting wasn't right. I couldn't pinpoint it I just had that "mothers gut". I remember when I was pregnat with Naomi, I started swelling on my ankles, feet and hands early on. I told my OB about it and she said "oh thats normal". To hell it was not. I was small, I didn't have really any "pregnant belly" for a while, actually not until my "end" did I start to show. I remember reading in the books that every doctors appointment they would measure your belly. Well, mine never did. She always said I have nothing to measure, well I wonder why. Naomi had IUGR (inauterine growth restriction). If she had done some poking and proding and maybe sent me for more testing, maybe they would have caught something? Who knows.But I will always wonder.

I just remember feeling AWFUL the night before my 28 week appointment. I was at my brother's baseball game and I left right after the game ended. I remember at my doctors appointment, they did an ultrasound and saw I had a short cervix and everyone was going haywire, but then decided they couldnt stitch me because of how far I was already. Then, from my urine dip, I had a 2+ of protein. I had no idea what that meant, but was sent later that day to a perinatoligst where he did an ultrasound and explained the reverse bloodflow from the placenta, Naomi's size, (IUGR), and mentioned Preeclampsia. I still didnt understand or get how serious it was, but I was admitted from there to the hospital. Thats when I stayed from Friday night, they did lab work and a 24 hr urine over the weekend and they were talking as if I wasn't going to be pregnant much longer, due to me being quite sick. Well, come Monday morning, my protein was up from 2+ on Friday, to 6+. And the cutoff is 5+. Well, I was sent for a c section STAT that morning and thats when I had my baby girl Naomi.

Preeclampsia. That word is forever the devil to me. Whenever I see pregnant woman, I think, will they develop it? I tell my friends, watch out, take your bp, watch your weight gain. I have one friend in paticular, she is 19 weeks, and she had a blood clotting disorder, and she knows she is a higher risk for developing preeclampsia. So I have been trying to remind her, yet not scare her, about the signs and what not. I just hate it. I hate it all. But, upon discovering the Preeclampsia Foundation website, I started posting on the forums a bit after Naomi passed away. I have "met" and came close with so many wonderful amazing woman, who get it. (Unfornately). They are all so kind and I have learned more than I knew then, which was nothing. I have even met two woman from there,(one is local and the other is a few hours away) through loss, it breaks my heart. But, I am glad we have found each other and are able to understand and come together in times.

A friend from there, happened to ask me on facebook a while back if I was attending the Promise Walk in my area. I thought, I had no idea there was one. So I did some googling and I found that it was right at my local water park!! I had participated in a huge team event and was a team Captain for the March of Dimes this year, and well I didnt feel right asking for money for them and for this, but I decided I will sign up and be a walker this year for the walk and next year I will for sure go all out and gather a huge team. I want to get awareness and inform others and have the Promise Walk be everywhere just as the March of Dimes is widely known. They say that it happens in 5-8% of pregnancies, but I just feel like its more common then they say.

So well, I happened to tell just one friend about it, her and I used to be quite close in 9th grade in highschool, and she said shed like to walk with Sadie and I. So we both registered and she came to my house this morning and we took baby Sadie and went. It was a small group, maybe about 30-40 of us all, but non the less, it only takes ONE, to start something. And it being South Floridas first walk, I think they did well! We got our tshirts and they had a DJ, and fruit and cereal bars to munch on and water. I thought was GREAT, because usually they have junk at these type of events. They had a few speakers, and two girls share their stories. I cried. The one sweet woman, happened to have lost her daughter at 29 weeks, stillborn, to severe preeclampsia 12 years ago. Imeediately the tears started to fall. I just couldn't help it. Because, well, my loss is still very close with me, and it stays with you forever. She then said she went on to have her son, at 35 weeks and he did spend a few days in nicu, but is alive and well today and I think was 9 years old.

There was a young girl, maybe my age, and shared her story. She said she was nervous, I could tell in her voice, but she lost her baby at 21 years old, at 25 weeks as well. Tears fell for her too. It just breaks my heart. After the speakers spoke and we were waiting to walk, I went up to the woman who lost her daughter 29 weeks and just hugged her and told her about my story briefly and we spoke. Then after, a mama came up to me and told me how sweet Sadie was. She asked if I was at the March of Dimes, I said yes and she said she was the one emailing all of us with things. I said, my team was Spider's Hope. She goes OHH!!! She knew us, because we were the biggest team, of 67 people. Just felt nice to see another face supporting a good cause.

The walk began, it was a small walk, I would have liked to walk longer, but its okay, They had a DJ rooting us on.

We each got a I KEPT MY PROMISE necklace type thing. My Sadiekind kind of destroyed it with her baby drool. But, we DID IT! It felt good to come out and support this cause, yet it made me sad, all of the mommies and families who have to go through this and go through a loss it is just beyond heart wrenching, I cant explain it. But I will for sure make a big team next year and go all out. I am proud. This is for Naomi Hope and all the mommies and babies born too soon and lost.

I hope one day, there will be better testing, more management and care and one day, ONE DAY A CURE FOR PREECLAMPSIA! I know that there are LOTS of walks going on today around the Nation so I hope everyones walks went well and THANK YOU for supporting us all!

*Naomi Hope, Benji Spider, Cara Angel, Nolan, Mikey* we miss you and love you all very much.

I made it .

Yes. I made it. Come to think of it, I have not been to a little ones birthday party since Naomi passed away. I had been invited to friends kids birthday parties, but I wasn't ready to go. My friend Anne had came over 3 weeks ago and invited me to her daughter Mia's birthday party. She gave me the cutest invitation. It was on photo print paper, and had her daughter on it with elmo. Super cute. I saved that.

I thought there is no way that I can't not go. Her and her husband have been so great to me. I remember them coming with 2 month old Mia when I was so very sick in the hospital, after having Naomi, with a huge laudary basket for a baby girl, FULL of the necessities. They also showered me with gifts before Sadie was born, again in the hospital. I had known her husband since middle school because we rode the bus together. She, is a year old than I tho, but I met her as well in highschool.

So I went to her birthday this afternoon. At first, seeing a few little ones arrive, got me a bit teary eyed and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle it all. I kept thinking, Naomi will be two. What would Naomi look like? Yet, I was holding a piece of her in my arms, her sister. I had to grab my necklace & kiss it. Soon, so many others arrived, s few other babies were there as well, in paticular, an 8 month old girl came, and her mom and I hit it off, was really sweet and we chatted most of the time and she even helped me a few times.

Earlier, I had been sitting outside and a family friend of my friend asked from a far, but really loudly "IS SHE YOUR FIRST!?!?". I noticed my friend Anne was looking at me a little bit from a far and I knew she had heard her, and for maybe 10 seconds, I stared off in lala land and my eyes were begining to fill up with tears. I should have KNOWN people would ask that damn question. I KNOW TO NEVER ASK, EVER. But anyways, I got up, and went over to her. I did not want to yell all of that back to her. So I went over and explained. She said, she was sorry. Then, bless her, but she told me she developed pre E , at term, at 37 weeks and then they said that was it. She said she didnt want to deal with any of that and some other things. I just didn't like the way she went about it and spoke about it.

Knowing I went through a loss and still am, forever will be, and had it again, but further on with Sadie. Ugh, some people. They just dont know. But otherwise, I had a very nice time at the party. Sadie was very well behaved, everyone commented on how well she was behaved and how beautiful she was. Made me smile. I know my little girl is beautiful, not just because she is mine, but I would definietly marvel from afar if I had seen her as well as being a stranger! :)

Just a few minutes ago, I happened to catch a few comments on an old highschool friends page on FB. I was like, no way. Really? Turns out, she is pregnant, again. Honestly, she's gotta be the 11th or so I know now that is pregnant. It is going around, it always seems to be! She has a 2 or 3 year old little girl. She found out apparently a day or two ago. So, she must be a few weeks along if that. And here some friends are always talking about "oh I cant wait to find out what you are having, and oh play dates this and that". OF COURSE I DO NOT want anything bad to happen to this girl, I do NOT wish the pain of loss on any mother. But, I just can't help but pick out so many that are I guess naive about it all? I can only pray for her. I just being in the loss community, I know ALL too well all that can go wrong. They automatically think, a positive pregnancy test equals a baby being brought home in 9 months in your arms. Um, no, not in my world it doesnt anymore.

The other day, I was walking, and I thought to myself. Out of my "class" and friends in highschool, I would say I am the only one that had a baby prematurely, and had her pass away. Me. Jill Marish. Why ME? WHY ME? I kept asking over and over and over again in my head like a broken record. What did I do to deserve it? No one is perfect but god, how my heart is for children, it just kills me.

Has it been THAT long already?!?

Sadie is now 3 months old and 3 days! I cannot believe it. It feels like yesterday that she came home from the hospital, on her bililights (soon to become two). I remember as if it were yesterday. The other day, I had her laying on my bed and I was talking to her and I just immediately remembered when she took up "this" much space and now is taking up "this" much space. She has definitely grown alot since birth! Thats a wonderful thing, yet makes me sad. I have been told by several mommmies that time flies in the blink of an eye. Boy are they RIGHT. She has done so many new and cute things. This past week, she started making these sounds and whenever mommy would do it she would COPY me. Also, I can tell she is definitely more aware and will look around at things. FOr example, at night, she will just look & stare at the Christmas tree and the lights. Its so cute. And of course, she smiles more than ever now. I CANNOT wait to hear when she first laughs! That is just going to make me melt! Oh the things to come!

This past Monday, Sadie fell asleep from 8 to 11, I was suprirsed, IN her swing. I took her back to bed because I was ready for bed, fed her & she went back to sleep. That was a first of going to sleep alot earlier than the other nights of 11/12 o clock. Made me a happy mama!

Also, on Wednesday, we had her apt at the hopsital for a reflux test. We went into this room and there was a machine and a little gown for her to wear. I was sad and all worked up about having to have her to have this test done. I was worried it was going to hurt her. But she did well, just a little tiny tube up the bladder & a doctor came in to take pictures. Negative on the reflux. So that was good. Just will have to do more following up for her hydronorpsis (sp?) (fluid in kidneys). I like this doctor, he is very nice & explains quite well.

Later on that night, I attended a NICU party that my friend invited me to at Joe Dimaggio. Neither one of my babies were born there, but I WISH I had Naomi there. A couple months after Naomi passed, I spoke to a friend and a few others, who have had their babies there. That is a children hospital, and did have a level 3 nicu just like Plantation General did. But I just feel as if she were born there, she would have been here today. Everytime I see that hospital commercial on the tv, I get all sad and worked up. I met so many families that night. In the beginning, it was tough. EVEN THOUGH, I was holding Sadie in my arms. I saw all these families saying hi to each other (known prob from inside the NICU) and I just got teary eyed. I thought wth I cannot cry in here I just cant. They have gone through all so much but yet SO HAVE I. MY DAUGHTER DIED. She DIDNT make it. But I was able to hold it together thankfully. I spoke to a mom, who knew of my story somehow through FB, and ended up pointing out two families to me. Her daughter, which is 27 years old, had her baby girl at 30 weeks weighing 1 lb 6 oz, and I spoke right up, "preeclampsia?". Of course it was. Made me sad but her little girl is doing well, SO so pretty.

I also was told about an 11 oz baby who was born in that hospital, smallest ever in Broward County (where I live) to live and survive. Has some issues but otherwise is pretty good. I am just amazed at all the stories. But I was glad to have went and had a very nice time speaking to the families & seeing my friend.

Random thoughts & Update on Pregnancy

Since I had been home from the hospital, I had been having high bp readings. About only 4 of them out of the 25 times I took it over course of a few days were normal. Of course, I started to get worried. Bedrest at home is alot different than at hospital. Yes I was in bed or on the couch for the most part, but I had to get up to shower and make my food and use the restroom. So at 2 in the morning of my doctors apt on Friday, I had the worst headache I had ever had, it was pounding. My bp was quite high then and I decided to take tylenol, no luck with that. This headache lasted for HOURS and HOURS. I got ready for my appointment and drove myself there. I took my blood pressure machine with me to see how close it was to the office one. While sitting at a light, I took my bp. It was 143/102, with my head just pounding. I started to then speed to get my apt. I arrived & explained I was not feeling well and hopefully I could be seen quickly and also because I had another apt at 10:15 with my regular ob to get the 4d ultrasound done as well as just having regular checkup. I was excited I would finally get to see her because I missed last apt due to me being in hospital.

Well I get in the office and my bp was taken, 145/85. It was high but not as high as before. I explained to the doctor about my horrible headache and we took a look at the baby to look at everything and also follow up on the fluid in her kidneys. It is still there unfornately, but not something to where he is so concerned about, the level is not too too bad. My baby girl weighs 4lb 14 oz. That just blue my mind and made me happy, even tho I was not feeling well at all. Doctor came back in and told me he was going to admit me for preeclampsia. I told him I was already diagnosed by my OB with mild preeclampsia at 25 weeks, but he had said I didn't have it then due to me not having the bps, just protein. But I knew I did as it was.

So then, I proceded with the admission forms and took myself up to L&D floor. I started to panic because with Naomi, I was admitted on a Friday, by a mfm as well, and ended up delivering her on a Monday. Today is already Sunday, but I know I am not as sick as I was before, THANK GOD, and I am alot further along. Yes I do have more symptoms than I had when I was here last time, about a week ago. I am swollen pretty much all over, I notice my face, eyes, feet, and hips. I also awoke last night with nausea and I have had a lot of "heartburn". Worries me because I read on a mommy's blog how she always thought she had horrible "heartburn attacks" but come to find out it was URQ pain from HELLP. Still have some headaches, but the nausea is new, so I will be letting my doctor know about that today. 24 hr results should be in sometime today as well. Bloodwork is fine one thing was a little off, I still have to ask about that, bps have been okay.

So I am 34 weeks and 2 days, and this tiem I refuse to let them release me. I am so close, and I know I am nearing delivery, and I am okay with that. Because I know sometiems baby is better off outside of mommy than in but so far she is doing great, its just mommy that isnt feeling so hot!I just get mad and upset alot because of this horrible thing called PREECLAMPSIA that has robbed me and so many other mommies of our babies and our health and a "normal pregnancy". I will never have that. Never. And here, I absolutely LOVE children and babies, since the age of 10, I just have had that natural love and attention for children. I have had to walk on my tippy toes and pins and needs day by day week by week throughout this whole pregnancy. I had not been able to enjoy much, just a big huge worry wary for every little ache and pain. My friends & family just do not understand, they can try to but they just cant. It hurts alot, I cry alot, I miss Naomi alot, I jsut wish things were different. I have been robbed of just the all excitement about pregnancy (I am as scared as ever, had been each hospital visit as gotten me weeks on closer), my baby shower was supposed to be TODAY. I am so bummed about it. I never got one with Naomi. It was in the works.

My friend had this one scheduled and planned for a while now, and everyone was set to come. But due to this again, I had to cancel and reschedule for a welcome home baby shower. But I don't want everyone around my little girl, I just do not feel comfortable with that, so I can maybe make it to closer friends and family? I am not sure. But I want my shower. I want thate xperience, I wanted to be able to be happy and have my big belly and dress up and see all my friends, but I know my health and babies are very important. It just hurts. I am getting robbed, again.

The other day, I spoke to my sister, and asked how she was doing and baby. I had told her she sounded quite tired. She told me she doesn't know how I am going to do it. Which upset me, quite alot, but I did not say anything. Yes she is married, yes she has her husband to help. Yes I am going to be a single parent, for the time being and living at home. But does she not remember who I am? I have cared for SO many babies and toddlers and children. I pretty much know what to expect. I was a nanny for a 3 month old baby boy and eventually his little sister at 2 monnths as well. I took care of them for 10 hours a day, yes parenting is 24 hours, but I have had so much experience and I have a natural take to children and babies. I know it is alot of work, and I cannot wait. God Bless mt sister, I love her, but she has never taken care of a baby before let alone child, never really baby sat or had been interested in them. So yes this is all new to her. I cannot wait to be so exhausted, wake up to a crying baby, or to just look at her while sleeping. It just bothered me that she had said that.

At an ending note, I just want to thank all the support of my friends and family during this whole time, both grieving & this pregnancy and how many times I have been in and out of hospital. It has not been easy but due to all of the support and prayers and talking with me asking how I am, I cannot tell you how much it all means to me, especially the mommies out there from the boards & all. Means so much to me. Thank you all. I am very thankful to have made it this far, and I cannot wait to meet my little girl, whom I still need a name for, have a few picked out! Just want to be 100% certain. :)

Pokes, jabs & bedrest

Who knew, how much can happen within a week or so! I had woke up the morning of the 19th, with nausea, and it stuck around for a good 3 to 4 days. I had no vomiting, just a few headaches, and plain felt lousy. I started to worry a bit, and did some googling and of course I read on nausea and flu like symptoms and that got me thinking, what if that is whats going on? I remember 3 weeks before I gave birth to Naomi, I had a day of just not feeling well at all, so it all panned back to that.

I decided I would take myself on Sunday morning, to get checked out, even tho I had an apt on Tuesday with my ob, just did not feel right waiting. So I went in to OB triage & they ran tests, everything was fine, was about to be released when I started CONTRACTING! Um, at 31 weeks? I did not feel the beginning of them but later on I began to feel the tightness & pain. I thought, my gosh, What else is next? I was contracting every 10 minutes so they decided to admit me and do tests for preterm labor. I started to freak!

It was negative, but I also ended up having a short cervix as well. They put me on procardia for contractions watched me for 4 days, and even though I had had a tough night the night before, the doctor released me that thursday. I was sent home on bedrest, and that morning, I took my bp as usual and it was a bit high, so I retook it again, and still high, I reported back to my nurse, she spoke with my doctor & he said to come in and get checked. So back to the hospital I go! (a different one, the one I perfer to deliver at).

So well, they did some tests again, my bp was fine and under control, and here we go again, I started contracting every 10 minutes. So I was then told they were going to keep me. So as of Friday, I have been here, this is my home for the remainder of whatever is left with my pregnancy. I have two things to be watching, preeclampsia and preterm labor. So very scary. I feel alot better being here, under watchful eyes. I have been swollen in my feet, hands and face but as of this morning i was told the swelling went down a bit in my face, which is always good news! I am being weighed daily, on procardia, and iron due to low iron levels. I had PIH labs don this morning about an hour ago, so those results should be in within an hr or so before this nurse leaves.

I just am being told and how things are looking or possibly progressing with pree AGAIN, I will possibly expect a NICU stay. That is okay, but I am asking myself am i really ready for this again? I surely know the "rollercoaster" of the nicu, and I tell you, that ride, will never come to an end. I am scared, the familiar noises, sounds and smell, athought I am in a different hospital than with Naomi, it is just not easy, for any parent. But I have no choice, I have to do this, day by day, I will get through this. Look how far I have come now!?

I am very anxious and worried to how they will turn out. Because from within a few days, we repeated my 24 hr urine, and it jumped from 400 to 600. I just pray I can hold on for a couple more days, if anything weeks, and keep this little girly cooking some more! The great news is that, I am 32 weeks, have steriods on board (as of 25 weeks, got a rescue dose while being here) and she weighs 4 lbs! Nurses always comment how wonderful she is and stays on the monitor, makes me a proud mama! I keep telling myself, look how far I have come, not many people thought I would make it past 28 weeks, but I made it a WHOLE month past that. I am thankful,I must say, with the support of my family, friends & BLM's.

THANK YOU so very much. I know my sweetbaby angel, is watching over her mommy and little sister to be. I miss her so much, & I have had some breakdowns while being in the hospital, not the easiest place to be.

NICU visit, & then some...

Yesterday, I went to visit my friend whom I met during my stay in the hospital 3 weeks ago. I had told her I would visit her a few days ago, but kept putting it off. I really did not want to go into a NICU again even tho I had been a couple months after losing Naomi. I finally tho, decided to go, to be there for her, it is not an easy job. I met up with her and we walked into her baby's room. I was amazed, I SO wish Naomi had been born there. They have their own very private rooms! So she can be with her own baby, 24/7, has a couch in there to sleep on, it was just so nice. I was able to touch her son, remembered all the precautions that had to be taken, washing hands, I remember and did it all. Seeing the very less tubes tho on him, reminded me of Naomi. His movements reminded me of Naomi, the way he was sleeping on his belly reminded me of Naomi. That was her favorite position, and well mommys too that I just thought she was oh so cute as she slept!

We both talked about our experiences and how when pree comes, it comes and gets you quick! It makes me so angry about it, that word will just haunt me forever & ever. I tell her how everytime I find out a friend is pregnant or has a headache, I quickly tell her to watch bp, and watch for these signs. It is no joke. But I am glad I went to see her. I had wanted to cry several times but did not want to scare her or upset her. She knows, it is a rollercoaster in there. One day good news, the next bad and on and on. I just am praying for that baby to continue his journey and hopefully by the end of September, he will get to go home!

On another note, I just am amazed, at how far I have come. I just was reading my journal entries on when I lost Naomi, months after, talking about not wanting to llive and just my memories of me screaming and crying and calling her name, and being in bed for days and weeks on end, depressed, not eating, sleeping all day, just crying and wanting to be all alone. I still have my days, but those days are alot less than before. I still look at my sweet Naomis pictures and think, I cannot believe I had her, and within a month, was taken from me. But I am very thankful I had gotten to meet her and spend those weeks with her.

So far, this pregnancy, is going well. I know my Naomi is watching over the both of us. I have had several signs from her, I believe she is all around. I have made it to 30+ weeks, 5 days, it seems odd saying that, I am not used to it. I am just hoping and praying it continues that way, but I know and am ready for anything to change. I am watching myself like a hawk! I try and picture myself holding this little girlie, but I just can't. I don't know how I am going to feel, I know overwhelmed with emotions. I just know I will be an emotional mess, but thankful to meet Naomi's little sister. May all go well and continue this way, and for all the other mommies out there, I PRAY FOR YOU ALL AS WELL.

The next couple of days will be filled with birthday celebrations, my mom's is tomorrow, mine is on Friday, and then on TUESDAY is the big day. I will be having a 4D ultrasound done by my doctor's office, I CANNOT wait to see my little girl. I haven't gotten much of a peek of her, so I am hoping she will be cooperative! My best friend and 2 other friends will probably be joirning me as well. AND my sister is 38 weeks, 39 on friday, and is due anytime now, so these next few days, and weeks shall be filled with lots of exciting things to come, I HOPE! <3