As if ONCE wasn't enough!?

A is for apple, B is for banana, C is for chocolate? No, youre fat, you can't be eating that.

"Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels".

Yes, when I was 14 years old, until about 19/20, I have dealt with eating disorders. All of them, well the 3 main ones. Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge eating. I thought I was "fat" at 124 lbs and I decided to restrict my caloric intake to about a meer 500 calories a day. I would know and research what I was eating. I belonged to "pro ana" websites and livejournals at the time.I would write down what I ate every day and count the calories. I met girls online who would help me with my sick obsession. It all worked for a while, I lost weight and was feeling pretty happy, yet I really wasn't. I jumped with glee when my family started to notice i was losing weight. I would go all day without eating much, come home from school and drink a few glasses of Diet Green Tea. That was my stuff then. The lowest I ever got was 106 at my small frame of 5'1.

Eventually, I caved in. I began to eat. A little too much because I was just starving. I starved myself for too long I needed to eat. I would get mad at myself and punish myself. Noone suggested it, but I did it. I purged. I did that for a while, but then I started to stop because I got scared. I thought and have read that you can die and choke. I then was stuck. I binged and binged and binged, I ate up all my feelings. My heightest weight ever, was 155 lbs at 5'1. Talk about YUCK. But, I was sick. I would eat a box of chocolate icecream bars (they were my dads) and I had to go to the store to replace them. I ate 5-6 peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches. I ate bread, and icecream, they were my go tos.I started taking out my hurt and anger because I could nOT stop myself from binging EVERY single day. I would do good for part of the day then I would ruin it all and just binge and binge. I would cry because I would not stop. It got to the point where my mom had to put LOCKS on the fridge and cupboards so I could not get into the food anymore. I was sick.

I would cry to my mom as well. She would tell me its okay, tomorrow is another day. I looked at it as, tomorrow is another day I am going to binge. I did this bingeing stuff for over a year. I went from 106 lbs, to 155 lbs. I got distructive at home, I was so upset with myself. I took it out on my family dog. I yelled, I screamed. I was a mess. ALl because of this food, I kept eatng and eating. My dad wanted to kick me out at 17 or so I think, but luckily my uncle and aunt offered to take me in, so off I went to Pennsylvania to live for 4 months during the winter. Then I also had trouble up there and wanted to go back home. But they wouldnt accept me back until a few months. I came back in April.

I still was binging when I got home. I even had an eating disorder therapist, we talked and what not she gave me her tips ands tuff, but it didn't really help. I went to an eating disorder clinic, inpatient, for two weeks. I met a great group of girls, all who had different stories and such sad stories. Eating disorders suck the life out of us all literally. I met and have kept a few friends from then and this September will be 5 years since I was there. I was 140 lbs then and came home and gained 15 more at my heighest.

I then went to a school and I don';t know what happened or came over me but I stopped cold turkey. I started restricting heavily again, and I dropped weight quick. I was on my way to thinville again. But I did not want to start the vicious cycle all over. For about 7 years, I dealt with all of this. It was pure hell.

Today, I am so very happy to say I am very well far from that road again. I remember 2 years ago or so when I was living with my ex, I thought, how great it feels to be able to be in control when I eat, stop when I feel full, not restrict, not over eat. It felt great. I NEVER thought I would get to that point.

Well, my grandmother is visiting, came down for my nephews baptism. We were sitting on the couch a few days ago and she said some comment I cant really remember but she basically said I was fat. It hurt me. Well, I just had a baby five months ago. I can't use that excuse much longer, but I did. I did not gain a LOT of weight, but nor am I super skinny. It takes TIME to get that off, some can get it quicker than others. I, really wasnt watching what I ate, but I never really ate alot these months, but my sweet tooth always got me. I didnt exercise either really besides little walks around the block. Well up when that comment was made, I did some changes.

I cut out eating sweets and breads started exercising more, sometiems even twice a day. Summer is coming up, I will be taking my Sadie to the water park (ohh I cannot wait!) so I must look good, I think! I do not have access to a gym now nor can I afford one, but that is not an excuse. The OUTSIDE IS FREE! I have legs, I have rollerblades, I can make up my own routines and get fit! I know I can. I have 10-15 lbs I would like to lose and stay that way. I am small, so any kind of weight on me you can see! I would like to lose my thighs and some arms and my tummy. My sister did, why can't I? I have my little girl to motivate me, I want to be healthy and set a good example for her.

Well, today, my grandmother made another comment. I was eating well all week, and was very proud of myself and exercising. I had just made myself a wrap with hummus, turkey and cheese that a friend suggested. I was so eager to try it, it was delcious! Earlier in the week I kept reading the back of a caramel syrup bottle with a recipe for a shake. Let me tell you, I NEVER make shakes. Well my mom went groery shopping today and I saw we had vanilla icecream (again we rarely have that but she bought it for my grandmother). So I wanted to make a shake, with 3-4 scoops of icecream, 3 tablesppons of caramel syrup and 1/4 cup of milk. I just was curious, I wanted to try it. So I just knew when pulling out the icecream my grandma may make a comment. I made my shake, and I had the SMALLEST amount, half of a SMALL cup. I gave the rest to her or my brother, she opted for it.

She said it was good, as I was finishing my little treat, she goes and I QUOTE "see, thats where you get your weight from". I stopped and didnt say a thing. Then I felt pain and hurt all over. I couldn't help myself and I let her have it. I said to her do you not remember when I lived up there for 4 months? I just had a baby 5 months ago, I am sorry I am not skinny or have the band like my sister does. I just took my daughter away and got ready for a walk. I was going to let my walk slide for the day, but after that comment, I had to go out. I knew I couldnt purge it, yet I wanted to, I CANNOT and WILL NOT go back down that path. I felt bad after wards for yelling at her, but I just couldnt believe another comment was hit my way. She then aplogized to me, and said it was a joke.

haha? very funny? um no, I didn't laugh. That was not a joke. So off I went with Sadie on a long fast walk and with some jogging in. I am glad I got it in I felt better after I came back but I was so hurt . especially after I was doing so well and she had to comment. My mom reminded me that my grandma has ALWAYS been like that. But still, it just hurt me. I am trying, I am pretty proud of myself. I have my sweet Sadie, I want her to see good role model behavior, and mommy has to be healthy to take care of her too.

Grief Stricken, badly.

I miss her with every part and soul of my body, it hurts, it hurts all over again like the coming days after my sweet Naomi passed.

Yesterday, my friend Anne came over with her daughter Mia for their first "playdate". Even though Sadie is only 4 months old, and her daughter will be 2 next month, it was nice to see them and catch up on things.

When I was in the hospital after I had Naomi, her and her husband came with Mia, then almsot 3 months old, and brought me a beautiful pink laundary baby basket FILLED with diapers, baby laundary detergent, toys, and all the necessities prob well worth $1o0. I was just so taken back by it all, I will never forget it and still til this day when I see her I think about it.

Well after she left, unknowingly, I felt sad. And well I had plans the following night (today) to go out with my best friend and a few others to karokee, and that had fell through because my mom had a quick change to take my sister and her friends to Busch Gardens because my sisters very good grades. I was upset about that because I had been looking forward to it for this week but then I told myself there will be other days.

I was sitting on my laptop when my mom came home and I was still bothered by it when she had said she would babysit for me, and I NEVER ask to go out or do anything, and this was just one time (besides new years) that I really wanted to go and do. So I was crying a little, overtired and whatnot. I then without looking at her said, "can I have my pictures of Naomi?" She spoke with me asking if I am sure, and went to go get them. She held them in her hands and said are you sure again? She said I can tell you where I keep them and you can go see them when you want or need to.

And let me just say, I have never seen them, these are pictures that were taken after my Naomi died. 18 or so months, I have not seen then but knowing they were around, lately they had been on my mind. So she told me where they were kept, and put them back. As my mom went to bed, I went and got them. I took one look at then (there were two) and I immediately started bawling. My mom told me previously that "its not her Jill" Its not her.

She is all discolored and on her hands were all bruised from the iv lines and everything. And just was there. She was right, did not look like her. It wasn't her. That was not the sweet baby girl I grew to know for 35 days here , yet 8 short months in mommy's tummy. And I just held them and cried and cried.

I went to bed with a heavy heart. I couldnt sleep at first and I went into the kitchen and here Naomi's video was playing. I went up close to it on the computer screen and watched as she would barely open her eyes and watched her little mouth and her tongue move with that stupid iv down her, I was able to only catch 45 secoonds and I had to press a key on the computer to stop it (the screensaver is a collection of ALL the pictures and videos in the computer and just so happens her video was playing) A sign? I think so.

Well this morning, I woke up grief stricken. Badly. my stomach hurt, felt so heavy and so did my heart. Yes I have my beautiful Sadies with me, and to love and to hold and to kiss and to help fill my void, but I was just missing Naomi SO much and have all day today since last night.

I was browsing blogs today and came across a friends blog and on hers I clicked onto another. This mother happened to have a baby bornstill, on 4/27/2010. A year ago from Naomi's birthday. I thought there is another sign. Yet I still felt so horrible for these parents . I know their pain all too well.

I feel like I should be doing more for my Naomi and all the other babies passed, So many mommies and daddies do. They create funds or things in name of their babies or go on to create groups to help grieving families, or make babies names in neat forms. And I don't or haven't done anything, I feel. I dod do the March of Dimes last year, but I feel i need to do ALOT more. I don't know what, but I want to search within myself and figure it out. I want to do more, i want to stop all of this from happening WAY too many times. Too many.

Maybe I can create something for grieving parents and families or sisters and brothers? I am not very creative, but I have to use my brain and think. I must do more. I must.

I miss my little sweet Naomi. I miss her so much today. I always do. I dont think people truely understand my pain, unless they have been through it. Today, I read and other days, how some friends cannot wait or are rushing the birth of their babies because they are "sick" or "bothered" by being pregnant. It kills me, I want to go off on them, but I don't because I feel like everyone else will attack me.

If only they knew what I went through and STILL live with every single day of my life. It wont go away. I will ALWAYS live with the fact I do not have my firstborn with me. The fact I will never hear her say Mommy, never see her smile, never see her go off to school, never see her get married, or have kids, all those milestones. I only can TRY and imagine what it would be like, yet I don't even think I can do that.

Each and every day I come across more and more stories of loss, of parents and mommies losing their babies and it just BREAKS MY HEART every single time. I cry and cry at every single story. And I feel my grief all over again. I wish I can do more, so much more. In time, I think I will be able to do alot. I just need to get there.

I miss you Naomi Hope Marish. Not a day goes by that I never think of you. I look at your little siter and I see alot of you in her, and I think you would have grown up to look like her. I really believe so. I thank you for sending your sweet sister to me. One day, we will all be reunited again. Love you baby girl always & forever.

Has it been THAT long already?!?

Sadie is now 3 months old and 3 days! I cannot believe it. It feels like yesterday that she came home from the hospital, on her bililights (soon to become two). I remember as if it were yesterday. The other day, I had her laying on my bed and I was talking to her and I just immediately remembered when she took up "this" much space and now is taking up "this" much space. She has definitely grown alot since birth! Thats a wonderful thing, yet makes me sad. I have been told by several mommmies that time flies in the blink of an eye. Boy are they RIGHT. She has done so many new and cute things. This past week, she started making these sounds and whenever mommy would do it she would COPY me. Also, I can tell she is definitely more aware and will look around at things. FOr example, at night, she will just look & stare at the Christmas tree and the lights. Its so cute. And of course, she smiles more than ever now. I CANNOT wait to hear when she first laughs! That is just going to make me melt! Oh the things to come!

This past Monday, Sadie fell asleep from 8 to 11, I was suprirsed, IN her swing. I took her back to bed because I was ready for bed, fed her & she went back to sleep. That was a first of going to sleep alot earlier than the other nights of 11/12 o clock. Made me a happy mama!

Also, on Wednesday, we had her apt at the hopsital for a reflux test. We went into this room and there was a machine and a little gown for her to wear. I was sad and all worked up about having to have her to have this test done. I was worried it was going to hurt her. But she did well, just a little tiny tube up the bladder & a doctor came in to take pictures. Negative on the reflux. So that was good. Just will have to do more following up for her hydronorpsis (sp?) (fluid in kidneys). I like this doctor, he is very nice & explains quite well.

Later on that night, I attended a NICU party that my friend invited me to at Joe Dimaggio. Neither one of my babies were born there, but I WISH I had Naomi there. A couple months after Naomi passed, I spoke to a friend and a few others, who have had their babies there. That is a children hospital, and did have a level 3 nicu just like Plantation General did. But I just feel as if she were born there, she would have been here today. Everytime I see that hospital commercial on the tv, I get all sad and worked up. I met so many families that night. In the beginning, it was tough. EVEN THOUGH, I was holding Sadie in my arms. I saw all these families saying hi to each other (known prob from inside the NICU) and I just got teary eyed. I thought wth I cannot cry in here I just cant. They have gone through all so much but yet SO HAVE I. MY DAUGHTER DIED. She DIDNT make it. But I was able to hold it together thankfully. I spoke to a mom, who knew of my story somehow through FB, and ended up pointing out two families to me. Her daughter, which is 27 years old, had her baby girl at 30 weeks weighing 1 lb 6 oz, and I spoke right up, "preeclampsia?". Of course it was. Made me sad but her little girl is doing well, SO so pretty.

I also was told about an 11 oz baby who was born in that hospital, smallest ever in Broward County (where I live) to live and survive. Has some issues but otherwise is pretty good. I am just amazed at all the stories. But I was glad to have went and had a very nice time speaking to the families & seeing my friend.

Random thoughts & Update on Pregnancy

Since I had been home from the hospital, I had been having high bp readings. About only 4 of them out of the 25 times I took it over course of a few days were normal. Of course, I started to get worried. Bedrest at home is alot different than at hospital. Yes I was in bed or on the couch for the most part, but I had to get up to shower and make my food and use the restroom. So at 2 in the morning of my doctors apt on Friday, I had the worst headache I had ever had, it was pounding. My bp was quite high then and I decided to take tylenol, no luck with that. This headache lasted for HOURS and HOURS. I got ready for my appointment and drove myself there. I took my blood pressure machine with me to see how close it was to the office one. While sitting at a light, I took my bp. It was 143/102, with my head just pounding. I started to then speed to get my apt. I arrived & explained I was not feeling well and hopefully I could be seen quickly and also because I had another apt at 10:15 with my regular ob to get the 4d ultrasound done as well as just having regular checkup. I was excited I would finally get to see her because I missed last apt due to me being in hospital.

Well I get in the office and my bp was taken, 145/85. It was high but not as high as before. I explained to the doctor about my horrible headache and we took a look at the baby to look at everything and also follow up on the fluid in her kidneys. It is still there unfornately, but not something to where he is so concerned about, the level is not too too bad. My baby girl weighs 4lb 14 oz. That just blue my mind and made me happy, even tho I was not feeling well at all. Doctor came back in and told me he was going to admit me for preeclampsia. I told him I was already diagnosed by my OB with mild preeclampsia at 25 weeks, but he had said I didn't have it then due to me not having the bps, just protein. But I knew I did as it was.

So then, I proceded with the admission forms and took myself up to L&D floor. I started to panic because with Naomi, I was admitted on a Friday, by a mfm as well, and ended up delivering her on a Monday. Today is already Sunday, but I know I am not as sick as I was before, THANK GOD, and I am alot further along. Yes I do have more symptoms than I had when I was here last time, about a week ago. I am swollen pretty much all over, I notice my face, eyes, feet, and hips. I also awoke last night with nausea and I have had a lot of "heartburn". Worries me because I read on a mommy's blog how she always thought she had horrible "heartburn attacks" but come to find out it was URQ pain from HELLP. Still have some headaches, but the nausea is new, so I will be letting my doctor know about that today. 24 hr results should be in sometime today as well. Bloodwork is fine one thing was a little off, I still have to ask about that, bps have been okay.

So I am 34 weeks and 2 days, and this tiem I refuse to let them release me. I am so close, and I know I am nearing delivery, and I am okay with that. Because I know sometiems baby is better off outside of mommy than in but so far she is doing great, its just mommy that isnt feeling so hot!I just get mad and upset alot because of this horrible thing called PREECLAMPSIA that has robbed me and so many other mommies of our babies and our health and a "normal pregnancy". I will never have that. Never. And here, I absolutely LOVE children and babies, since the age of 10, I just have had that natural love and attention for children. I have had to walk on my tippy toes and pins and needs day by day week by week throughout this whole pregnancy. I had not been able to enjoy much, just a big huge worry wary for every little ache and pain. My friends & family just do not understand, they can try to but they just cant. It hurts alot, I cry alot, I miss Naomi alot, I jsut wish things were different. I have been robbed of just the all excitement about pregnancy (I am as scared as ever, had been each hospital visit as gotten me weeks on closer), my baby shower was supposed to be TODAY. I am so bummed about it. I never got one with Naomi. It was in the works.

My friend had this one scheduled and planned for a while now, and everyone was set to come. But due to this again, I had to cancel and reschedule for a welcome home baby shower. But I don't want everyone around my little girl, I just do not feel comfortable with that, so I can maybe make it to closer friends and family? I am not sure. But I want my shower. I want thate xperience, I wanted to be able to be happy and have my big belly and dress up and see all my friends, but I know my health and babies are very important. It just hurts. I am getting robbed, again.

The other day, I spoke to my sister, and asked how she was doing and baby. I had told her she sounded quite tired. She told me she doesn't know how I am going to do it. Which upset me, quite alot, but I did not say anything. Yes she is married, yes she has her husband to help. Yes I am going to be a single parent, for the time being and living at home. But does she not remember who I am? I have cared for SO many babies and toddlers and children. I pretty much know what to expect. I was a nanny for a 3 month old baby boy and eventually his little sister at 2 monnths as well. I took care of them for 10 hours a day, yes parenting is 24 hours, but I have had so much experience and I have a natural take to children and babies. I know it is alot of work, and I cannot wait. God Bless mt sister, I love her, but she has never taken care of a baby before let alone child, never really baby sat or had been interested in them. So yes this is all new to her. I cannot wait to be so exhausted, wake up to a crying baby, or to just look at her while sleeping. It just bothered me that she had said that.

At an ending note, I just want to thank all the support of my friends and family during this whole time, both grieving & this pregnancy and how many times I have been in and out of hospital. It has not been easy but due to all of the support and prayers and talking with me asking how I am, I cannot tell you how much it all means to me, especially the mommies out there from the boards & all. Means so much to me. Thank you all. I am very thankful to have made it this far, and I cannot wait to meet my little girl, whom I still need a name for, have a few picked out! Just want to be 100% certain. :)