Has it been THAT long already?!?

Sadie is now 3 months old and 3 days! I cannot believe it. It feels like yesterday that she came home from the hospital, on her bililights (soon to become two). I remember as if it were yesterday. The other day, I had her laying on my bed and I was talking to her and I just immediately remembered when she took up "this" much space and now is taking up "this" much space. She has definitely grown alot since birth! Thats a wonderful thing, yet makes me sad. I have been told by several mommmies that time flies in the blink of an eye. Boy are they RIGHT. She has done so many new and cute things. This past week, she started making these sounds and whenever mommy would do it she would COPY me. Also, I can tell she is definitely more aware and will look around at things. FOr example, at night, she will just look & stare at the Christmas tree and the lights. Its so cute. And of course, she smiles more than ever now. I CANNOT wait to hear when she first laughs! That is just going to make me melt! Oh the things to come!

This past Monday, Sadie fell asleep from 8 to 11, I was suprirsed, IN her swing. I took her back to bed because I was ready for bed, fed her & she went back to sleep. That was a first of going to sleep alot earlier than the other nights of 11/12 o clock. Made me a happy mama!

Also, on Wednesday, we had her apt at the hopsital for a reflux test. We went into this room and there was a machine and a little gown for her to wear. I was sad and all worked up about having to have her to have this test done. I was worried it was going to hurt her. But she did well, just a little tiny tube up the bladder & a doctor came in to take pictures. Negative on the reflux. So that was good. Just will have to do more following up for her hydronorpsis (sp?) (fluid in kidneys). I like this doctor, he is very nice & explains quite well.

Later on that night, I attended a NICU party that my friend invited me to at Joe Dimaggio. Neither one of my babies were born there, but I WISH I had Naomi there. A couple months after Naomi passed, I spoke to a friend and a few others, who have had their babies there. That is a children hospital, and did have a level 3 nicu just like Plantation General did. But I just feel as if she were born there, she would have been here today. Everytime I see that hospital commercial on the tv, I get all sad and worked up. I met so many families that night. In the beginning, it was tough. EVEN THOUGH, I was holding Sadie in my arms. I saw all these families saying hi to each other (known prob from inside the NICU) and I just got teary eyed. I thought wth I cannot cry in here I just cant. They have gone through all so much but yet SO HAVE I. MY DAUGHTER DIED. She DIDNT make it. But I was able to hold it together thankfully. I spoke to a mom, who knew of my story somehow through FB, and ended up pointing out two families to me. Her daughter, which is 27 years old, had her baby girl at 30 weeks weighing 1 lb 6 oz, and I spoke right up, "preeclampsia?". Of course it was. Made me sad but her little girl is doing well, SO so pretty.

I also was told about an 11 oz baby who was born in that hospital, smallest ever in Broward County (where I live) to live and survive. Has some issues but otherwise is pretty good. I am just amazed at all the stories. But I was glad to have went and had a very nice time speaking to the families & seeing my friend.

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful and blessed
We love all of the tasty food, please clean up your mess!

Turkey, Green bean casserole, stuffing and more
Look out now, to bne surprised by yummies galore!

I am thankful for my family,friends, my health, Sadie, my angel Naomi, & a roof over my head
And will also be thankful after this huge lovely meal for my nice and comfy bed!


As I said above, I am thankful for so many things this year. I did have a nice thanksgiving this year but it was still a bit hard & sad. I did well all day but at the end before we were about to eat, I got sad & teary eyed. I started thinking how I was last year and how still a piece of me is missing and forever will be missed. Earlier ysterday, I went jet skiing with my 2 sisters, brother in law and dad, and the 2 babies on the intercoastal at John Loyd Park. There was a beautiful bright yellow butterfly that flew in my direction for a minute and then fluttered off. I immediately smiled yet then my heart sank, I said out loud , Happy Thanksgiving Naomi, I love you. I believe the butterfly was Naomi coming around on this day to let me know she is around me everywhere I go.



On Wednesday, I took my daughter Sadie, to the hospital where Naomi was born. I had wanted to bring some clothes to the NICU that Sadie outgrew in memory of her big sister Naomi. The whole time driving there I had knots in my stomach and chest. I got there and I just started to glance around and tried to just remain calm and breathe. I started to get teary eyed waiting in the line to check in for security. The woman remembered me and I had explained why I was there. She gave me a pass and I entered the elevator. The elevator. The one that I ran to and came out of that day that I would soon learn I would lose my Naomi. We went up there to see the head NICU lady and she gave me a hug and took me to go into the nicu, not where the babies were but in the front of it before the babies. And some nurses came out to see Sadie. About 3 or 4 of them came out and all marveled around her.

I guess it all overwhelmed me & I started to cry. They simply said she is beautiful and they held her as I ran downstairs to get the big box of clothes. They were happy to have got the clothes to use for a family, especially around the holidays it would come in handy. I felt good doing it. So I did make it, I was worried about it all week but I did it. I even saw the nicu doctor that had atteneded to Naomi a few times.

I am glad I went & made it. It was a year about since I had been back and it was just hard. I thank my friends for giving me support and cheering me on for being able to go.

Tuesday...

So...this week, Tuesday or Wednesday I will be going to Plantation General Hospital with Sadie to take some of her outgrown clothes of hers and bring them to the NICU that Naomi was in a year and almost half ago. I thought there was no better place to where they should go, in memory of my sweetpea Naomi. As I think about it, I picture myself walking in there, I can already smell the smell of the familiar hospital, I can see in my head the secuirty desk, I can see the little room I would always wait in around 6:30 til 8pm when they had shift change and the nurses can talk about the other babies with other nurses to catch up on them. I can see the familiar vending machine inside that room where I would always get my brownie bites while I waited. I can see down the hall to where the cafe is and where I would always go and get my bagel & apple juice in the morning after seeing Naomi. I can see the elevators that would lead me to the 2nd floor where the NICU was. I can see where I walk down that hall to ring the doorbell and them buzz me in, I can see the NICU desk, I can see the water & soap station where I would scrub up before going in to see her. I can see the other door that leads to Naomi and the rest of the babies. I can see the issolettes. I can see that Naomi's is no longer occupied by her. I can see that she is no longer there or here. I know that she is gone & it still KILLS me.

When I speak of her, or that she is gone or that I lost her, sometimes it just comes out of my mouth so naturally. It shouldn't. I shouldn't have to say that I lost my daughter. I am forever known as a mommmy of an angel. My stomach is in knots as I write this. I know I am doing a very good thing to help other mommies in need of clothing for their baby girls. I want to see the nurses & head NICU lady that came to Naomi's funeral. I was told to come either those two days so mroe staff can be there so they can meet Naomi's little sister. I don't know how I will be, will I cry? Will I tear up? Or will I try and be brave, and hold it in and just explode after I leave? I don't know, but I am still going to go. I have to, I want to.

Earlier today, my grandma was looking at my shelf of Naomi's memorial and told me I need to have Sadie's picture up there too. I imediately said NO! That is Naomi's place and I will have Sadie's pictures up in another area of my room. I don't feel right putting pictures of Sadie on Naomi's area. I could, maybe one, they are sisters, but I just don't know if I feel okay with that.

Today, I was also approached by a guy standing behind me in line of starbucks. He noticed Sadie, and comments let me guess 9 weeks? I said yes, we got to talking, he ended up having a 9 week old as well. He asked if I had her at PGH (the hospital pretty much down a few block from the Starbucks). I immediately said no, Memorial Miramar I said. I explained how I lost my first born at that hospital last year and i just did not want to go back to that hospital. Or well my mom suggested I try another hospital. Just because of the memories there and all that. I still can't believe this is all happened to me sometimes. I feel like so much time has passed yet I feel like sometimes it just happened yesterday,

I remember the day I lost her. I remember a few hours after, I was outside in front of the hospital with my best friend and another friend and my mom & dad. I remember it raining and I ran down the street just running and running, I wanted to go into the street. I remember collasping down on the sidewalk in the rain just screaming and crying. I remember my mom and dad on the grass on the phone with funeral arrangements, I remember my mo masking me what I wanted, I remember yelling just you guys both do what you decide. I rememebr I just could NOT and did NOT want to do anything reguarding that. I could not think, how could I? Sometimes I wish I had had some say in it, I wish I got to put her in her outfit to wear. I didn't. My mom did all of that. I just could not. My heart seems to be racing now. I just am rehashing it all. I guess I need to. I feel sick. I miss her. I really really miss her. And to know that today, tomorrow, every day several mommmies & families will experience this painful painful loss that will forever shape the rest of their lives. It just kills me.

Am I ready to go back? Its been almsot a year since I was last there. I was there in December for a support group meeting. I can do this. I want to do this. For my Naomi & other mommies.

Pokes, jabs & bedrest

Who knew, how much can happen within a week or so! I had woke up the morning of the 19th, with nausea, and it stuck around for a good 3 to 4 days. I had no vomiting, just a few headaches, and plain felt lousy. I started to worry a bit, and did some googling and of course I read on nausea and flu like symptoms and that got me thinking, what if that is whats going on? I remember 3 weeks before I gave birth to Naomi, I had a day of just not feeling well at all, so it all panned back to that.

I decided I would take myself on Sunday morning, to get checked out, even tho I had an apt on Tuesday with my ob, just did not feel right waiting. So I went in to OB triage & they ran tests, everything was fine, was about to be released when I started CONTRACTING! Um, at 31 weeks? I did not feel the beginning of them but later on I began to feel the tightness & pain. I thought, my gosh, What else is next? I was contracting every 10 minutes so they decided to admit me and do tests for preterm labor. I started to freak!

It was negative, but I also ended up having a short cervix as well. They put me on procardia for contractions watched me for 4 days, and even though I had had a tough night the night before, the doctor released me that thursday. I was sent home on bedrest, and that morning, I took my bp as usual and it was a bit high, so I retook it again, and still high, I reported back to my nurse, she spoke with my doctor & he said to come in and get checked. So back to the hospital I go! (a different one, the one I perfer to deliver at).

So well, they did some tests again, my bp was fine and under control, and here we go again, I started contracting every 10 minutes. So I was then told they were going to keep me. So as of Friday, I have been here, this is my home for the remainder of whatever is left with my pregnancy. I have two things to be watching, preeclampsia and preterm labor. So very scary. I feel alot better being here, under watchful eyes. I have been swollen in my feet, hands and face but as of this morning i was told the swelling went down a bit in my face, which is always good news! I am being weighed daily, on procardia, and iron due to low iron levels. I had PIH labs don this morning about an hour ago, so those results should be in within an hr or so before this nurse leaves.

I just am being told and how things are looking or possibly progressing with pree AGAIN, I will possibly expect a NICU stay. That is okay, but I am asking myself am i really ready for this again? I surely know the "rollercoaster" of the nicu, and I tell you, that ride, will never come to an end. I am scared, the familiar noises, sounds and smell, athought I am in a different hospital than with Naomi, it is just not easy, for any parent. But I have no choice, I have to do this, day by day, I will get through this. Look how far I have come now!?

I am very anxious and worried to how they will turn out. Because from within a few days, we repeated my 24 hr urine, and it jumped from 400 to 600. I just pray I can hold on for a couple more days, if anything weeks, and keep this little girly cooking some more! The great news is that, I am 32 weeks, have steriods on board (as of 25 weeks, got a rescue dose while being here) and she weighs 4 lbs! Nurses always comment how wonderful she is and stays on the monitor, makes me a proud mama! I keep telling myself, look how far I have come, not many people thought I would make it past 28 weeks, but I made it a WHOLE month past that. I am thankful,I must say, with the support of my family, friends & BLM's.

THANK YOU so very much. I know my sweetbaby angel, is watching over her mommy and little sister to be. I miss her so much, & I have had some breakdowns while being in the hospital, not the easiest place to be.

NICU visit, & then some...

Yesterday, I went to visit my friend whom I met during my stay in the hospital 3 weeks ago. I had told her I would visit her a few days ago, but kept putting it off. I really did not want to go into a NICU again even tho I had been a couple months after losing Naomi. I finally tho, decided to go, to be there for her, it is not an easy job. I met up with her and we walked into her baby's room. I was amazed, I SO wish Naomi had been born there. They have their own very private rooms! So she can be with her own baby, 24/7, has a couch in there to sleep on, it was just so nice. I was able to touch her son, remembered all the precautions that had to be taken, washing hands, I remember and did it all. Seeing the very less tubes tho on him, reminded me of Naomi. His movements reminded me of Naomi, the way he was sleeping on his belly reminded me of Naomi. That was her favorite position, and well mommys too that I just thought she was oh so cute as she slept!

We both talked about our experiences and how when pree comes, it comes and gets you quick! It makes me so angry about it, that word will just haunt me forever & ever. I tell her how everytime I find out a friend is pregnant or has a headache, I quickly tell her to watch bp, and watch for these signs. It is no joke. But I am glad I went to see her. I had wanted to cry several times but did not want to scare her or upset her. She knows, it is a rollercoaster in there. One day good news, the next bad and on and on. I just am praying for that baby to continue his journey and hopefully by the end of September, he will get to go home!

On another note, I just am amazed, at how far I have come. I just was reading my journal entries on when I lost Naomi, months after, talking about not wanting to llive and just my memories of me screaming and crying and calling her name, and being in bed for days and weeks on end, depressed, not eating, sleeping all day, just crying and wanting to be all alone. I still have my days, but those days are alot less than before. I still look at my sweet Naomis pictures and think, I cannot believe I had her, and within a month, was taken from me. But I am very thankful I had gotten to meet her and spend those weeks with her.

So far, this pregnancy, is going well. I know my Naomi is watching over the both of us. I have had several signs from her, I believe she is all around. I have made it to 30+ weeks, 5 days, it seems odd saying that, I am not used to it. I am just hoping and praying it continues that way, but I know and am ready for anything to change. I am watching myself like a hawk! I try and picture myself holding this little girlie, but I just can't. I don't know how I am going to feel, I know overwhelmed with emotions. I just know I will be an emotional mess, but thankful to meet Naomi's little sister. May all go well and continue this way, and for all the other mommies out there, I PRAY FOR YOU ALL AS WELL.

The next couple of days will be filled with birthday celebrations, my mom's is tomorrow, mine is on Friday, and then on TUESDAY is the big day. I will be having a 4D ultrasound done by my doctor's office, I CANNOT wait to see my little girl. I haven't gotten much of a peek of her, so I am hoping she will be cooperative! My best friend and 2 other friends will probably be joirning me as well. AND my sister is 38 weeks, 39 on friday, and is due anytime now, so these next few days, and weeks shall be filled with lots of exciting things to come, I HOPE! <3