Supermom? Yes/no maybe so?

As of right this very minute, I am in my grief. I miss Naomi SO very much. It hurts like hell all over again. I was just feeding my nephew in my mothers room and putting down for a nap, and I was staring at the picture my mom has on her desk of holding Naomi in the NICU. She also has a sonogram picture of her cut in a heart. Tears automatically started flowing, I cried silently while feedding my nephew. I started to remember things, I saw them flash in my head.

The days when noone would be home after Naomi passed, I would just run to my moms closet (it is big and open) and I would throw myself on the ground and just scream and cry and yell out my little girls name. I would look up at the ceiling in the closet and I would slap myself, hoping this was all just a horrible, horrible dream/nightmare. I was hoping I would wake up. I remember at night waking up and just screaming and crying and going into my moms room on her side and waking her up just to be held while screaming Naomi's name.

All of it came flooding back. Her birthday is right around the corner. Within a month and a half, I would have a two year old. That was born 12 weeks early, too early. I wonder what she would be doing at her age, but as a preeemie. Would she be talking somewhat? Would she be walking? Would she be far behind? I remember going into the hospital/nicu one more time to ask to see her again, but they had said the funeral home came and picked her up already. Oh my heart and stomach ACHE. When will I ever see my little angel again? I then ran to go and feed Sadie, and I cried somemore. I just hugged her tighly and looked into her eyes and said I miss your sister. I felt bad, because, I highly doubt that if Naomi were here, Sadie wouldnt be. I wish they can both me here.

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I started watching my nephew on a new schedule starting today again, instead of the usual 9 to 3, she needs more hours. It is too much on her. She is 22, I do love my sister, but sometimes, I get very annoyed, lately I have. She is married, and has not one but THREE dogs, might as well as call them her children as well. She has ALWAYS been an animal lover, never a child person. She never took care of one or babysat, and here having this little boy, has really taken a toll on her. She does have an illness, which I feel so awful about, has had her trouble years and years ago with it, meds have helped but with just having him and the stress and hard work it is with him, its bringing it back out again. And my mom eplained to me she needs that break (used to be just two days) or she will go back downhill again.

So, she asked if I can watch him logner of a day, 8 am to 5 pm with a little more pay. I was upset over the pay, because she can welly afford it. But, I have come to be thankful, that she is able to help me out and I am able to help her out. The oney I am getting is better than I was before, which was 0 income. I just need to learn to start PUTTING it away. Money BURNS ME. I see that I have any amount and I will go and spend every cent of it. I do not know how to save. Its sad, and I wouldnt have been in this position if I had learned to save when I was a nanny. From my texas in 09, I made $24,000. And not a PENNY was saved. I could cry over that. But whats done is done. And i have to start fresh. Instead of math class in highschool, I wish they had a learn to save money and how to do your checking and write bills and what not. It makes a hell of a lot more sense, doesn't it?

Well, I guess today the stress of just knowing I would have a longer day, has got to me. They both took an hr nap from 9:30-10:30, although I had to lay with Sadie on mommy so she would nap. They both woke up and I thought, I am going to be supermom and try and take them out to the mall since I had to pick up Sadie's EXPENSENVIE NEVER AGANI Glamour Shots. I thought let me make two bottles, have them changed and put them both in the car. And off we went.

I got a lot of looks and comments on them. Some thought they were twins, I laughed, I said no, I could have tho, but the difference in size with them, is kinda funny. But I said one in my nephew and the other is mine. So we ran to pick up the pictures, I had seen before, but couldn't until I paid them off. Then since Starbucks was inside the mall (thank God) I thought, since I am having a longer day (until 5pm) I will need a jolt. So I got an iced white mocha. It was quite yummy!

I thought also lets take them over to the Rainforest Cafe and let them see the fishies in the huge fishtank and look around there. We did that and I took a walk around the mall. Then these new flipflops I had gotten from target that were #13 started to make a horrible scab on my foot. I was in so much pain I so did not want to take it off but I ended up taking it off and throwing it in the garbage. Yes, I was pushing the running stroller and walking with one foot barefoot and the other with the shoe on. I had to run to a shoe store and rememebred that there was one near where I ahd parked. So I was glancy quickly becasue both babies were getting antsy and I knew it was time for their nap. I thought hte prices were a bit high and I just wanted a plain flip flop that wouldnt cost me over $20. Since I was in a rush I didnt just wanna pick any old shoe. I finally found I pair, just plain black ones. I waited in line and my nephew started to fuss, couldn't find the rattle so then I strung out my keys.

Jingle jangle jingle while in line. These two spanish girls were yappin away with the cashier I was like come on already, (in my head). Then i was CLEARLY the next person in line and this girl BEHIND me goes right up to the register in front of me. I am standing there and was like ARE YOU SERIOUS? So then he starts ringing her up then looks at me and says werent you next? I said UM YEAH, I really gotta go and pointed, at my nephew. So he then rung me up instead. And the one spanish girls friend (the one that cutted me) was giving me glares. Um YOUR FRIEND WENT IN FRONT OF ME. Shoot. Made my nerves shot.

So its almost 3 pm and I am having a difficult day. I think all of this stress is taking its toll on me and I am just having an emotional day. Let ie be 5 o clock, soon please.

So much to do so little time...& ramblings!

I am a list writer. A HUGE list writer. I must write the same things on like three different pieces of paper over and over again. I will cross one thing off that was done and add like 10 more things. Its little thiings too but they all just add up! Drives me nuts sometimes. I am not even working or in school YET, and, I think I am losing my mind now? Wait til then!

I have my Preeclampsia quilt square to come up with and get sent out BY March 1st. I thought I had a design already in mind, but now, I am not so sure. I don't know just yet. My mom went out and got some nicknacks for it, but I don't want to just throw it together. This is something very special to me, and I need to make it right and perfect. A woman on the preeclampsia foundation is making this quilt with our squares and it will be auctioned off at one of the Saving Grace gala's! I am excited. Which speaking of that, that is also on my list, I would LOVE to attend the gala, because one, it is in NYC, where i was born, well Long Island was where I was born, but I have not been back since I was 9 months old or so. I would love to see NY. More importantly, I would love love love to see and finally meet some of the woman I have "met" and kept in contact with from the forums, I hold them all very close and dear to my heart, especially Laura, Ashley, and Erica. I am quite close to the 3 of them from afar. It would be amazing. So that is on my list to look into!

A fantastic note to share, my team for March of Dimes, Spider's Hope, has MADE IT TO OUR GOAL of $1000 and its not even into March yet, we stll have until April 30th! I am so very excited, greatful and pleased by ALL those who donated and who are going to come out and walk with us in April. Means the world to me. I just wish Naomi knew, how loved she is with all the other babies born too soon. This is for her and all of them. I get sad tho thinking about it, but yet I am happy because we are doing great for to help out. I met my dear friend Holly yesterday, with her niece and sister with Sadie to plan ideas for the shirts. It was so nice to meet her yet so so sad, she lost her dear baby boy after 3 months of living, being born too early from severe preeclampsia. What a sweet baby boy she has, that is now holding hands with my dear Naomi.

I also owe money to a few people and need to get a double stroller, Sadie's pictures done, and mommy so badly needs more clothing BUT I am waiting until I can drop my last 10 or so lbs. I also need to get a picture book or scrapbook started, or I am going to be WAY behind. I want all of Sadie's picture developed but that would cost a LOT of money, that I do not have right now. So that will have to wait. But I really want it going. Or I may just have to pick out my favorite pictures from each month or so and figure out something!

I am So SO so upset, about something. But I cannot go backwards unfornately. HOW in the world, after my loss of Naomi, and what I went through and continue to, not get professional newborn pictures of Sadie?!? It kills me. I know I didnt have the money, but I could have so easily asked to borrow some from my parents, or best friend, or anyone and make a payment plan. But I didn't. And I see and hear of all these 'rainbow mamas' getting theirs done and I think what the heck was wrong with me? Yes I have pictures of her from then but not professional sweet poses of her. I can NEVER get those back. I know she would have made beautiful pictures. Ugh, but I cant go back. Nor did I get maternity photos done, which upsets me greatly, but I guess what matters the most, is that Sadie is here safe and sound. My best friend did get me a giftcard to get her pictures professionally done, she is now 5 months old, not newborn anymore, so I should get them done while she is still "little" .

One more thing to add! I was watching Inside Edition with my mom and grandma tonight and with the babies, and they spoke about a story, Christina Applegate had her baby girl after battling breast cancer. They introduced her: Sadie Grace! My mom and I both looked at each other and said "aweee!" So sweet. Its funny, because I googled the story on my phone, and came up to comments on the story about the name "Sadie". Alot liked it, but others, also said that it is a dog's name. Yikes. When my dad mentioned it to me in the hospital after I had her, thats what I thought too, but I cant picture her having another name, i really do love her name, maybe Sadie is coming back!? A very warm and happy congrats to Christina and her family and welcome to the world baby Sadie Grace!

Fab Friday Foto's

So I can't contain myself, I just want to share some photos with you all if that is okay, of BOTH of my beautiful girls. Some will be recent of Sadie, and some will be from early weeks, some of Naomi as well. Do you see any resembalance? I SURE DO.

Sorry about all the pictures.. I went picture crazy. But boy, Looking through Naomi's, its been a while, brought me to tears. Oh how looking at them, just brought me back to those very days I was with her.I am SO SO glad I took so many of her.

The first set of pictures from top to bottom, are of Sadie, from NEWEST to oldest. then the last half are of my precious Naomi. Very last one was a few days or weeks after I found out I was pregnant with Naomi, little did I know, my world would change forever 25+ weeks later.

Oh, you see the older guy holding Sadie? Thats my dad. Long story , but so glad he came around with this whole situation. HE NAMED MY DAUGHTER. :) I had always had the name Gracie Faith picked out, but wasn't 100% on it because two of my sisters had commented it sound sort of countryish (and I am by far a country person) and then one said it has too much (Grace & faith) yet since when did I care about their opinion? I even remember the nurses asking when I was in there, I said I dont know just yet! They told me some moms do better when seeing the baby. So while they had brought her into me the 2nd day, my dad was holding her and said, what bout Sadie? I thought, ugh yuck, no. Then the more I said it over and over in my head while looking at her, I go OMG. IT FITS HER. She looks like a Sadie. He even wrote it on a napkin, Sadie Marie. To see how it would look. And I kept that napkin. It is in her baby book where the "name" thing or choices came up. ;) Marie is a very common middle name, goes with alot, and happens to me both my moms and my middle name :). I just do not know how that name came up, was not on my list! ha, but I love it!