24+1?

Can we just add maybe a few more hours to the day so things can get done!? I have a list of 28435740 things to do and get done. THE NEVER ENDING LIST. Cross off 3 add another 2. My mind is ALWAYS on the go. I swear.

I purchased the wrong "app" on my phone the other day thinking it was a note app to help me better organize my notes instead of always scrambling for a piece of paper to write it down. But I bought the calendar that I already have, OOPS! So I deleted that app and I want to purchase the one app with the "sticky type notes". That looks neat and something that will help me for sure! Not a waste of money. As you can tell, or maybe not, I am "addicted and I just can't get enough" of my new phone. I just wonder, will I be able to keep up with the monhtly bill? I sure hope so, because I am in a 2 yr contract. I already owe Tmobile, I do not need another phone company after me. EEKS! Speaking of my phone, I got a word last night, on WORDS WITH FRIENDS that was 109 points! My best friend was shocked and showed me how to take a picture of it. Pretty neat. Unlike the "angry birds" that many love, I could care LESS for. I have never been interstede in those type of games, besides, I DONT HAVE TIME for that. I like the word game because it makes you think, makes that brain do some magic! I told myself on Wednesday, I am going to go PHONELESS and INTERNETLESS. I just want a break from technology. I dont want to be reached or have to continusely freak becasue I am thinking I am going to "die" if I dont see whats going on facebook every single second or the latest pictures and posts and what not. I just need a break from always constantly at my phone or my laptop. Have you ever felt that way? SO WEDNESDAY I WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE :)

Back to my list, I just would feel SO much better if I can get everything thats on my list accomplished for the day, but I just DONT. Especially with my nephew over like 24.6 I just cannot do it. I am always on top of the babies, and I dont ever have time for myself, to make myself look decent or even shower for taht matter. I always shower at night nowadays and look like you know what during the day. I am always trying to keep up with the house (living at home and not having to pay rent I feel I need to help, besides I have NEVER been a lazy person, always a HELPER). I cant stand doing nothing, So I am always doing laundary, dishes, cleaning the floor and the continuous messes my dad leaves in his area like its no tomorrow. MAKES ME HEATED i tell you.

The last couple days I had to let out a SCREAM. I feel bad because I just screamed (had to release it) and it scared my nephew and he started to cry. Two babies, the same age pretty much, are very demanding. Dont get me wrong, I love my nephew, but he lives here. I mise well adopt him seriously. I cant get much done. I worry about their needs and forget about my own stuff. My parents always tell me to leave hosuework and focus on them and what not but, I dont know about you but I CANNOT stand filth. Things have to be neat and ordered. ANd so as I sit here and blog, I am freaking because "my table" in the corner here has Sadie's clothes folded on it from tonight that I didnt get to do all day and my other list of things I need to get done. It just never stops. I am BEYOND overwhelemd and STRESSED.

My nephew got picked up today to go HOME where he belongs at 6 pm. Usually, her husband wouldnt pick him up until tomorrow (mid afternoon) since he is off tues to thursday but my dad insisted he be picked up tonight,. THANK GOD. I knew he was leaving at 6, I called my mom crying at 5 I just couldnt do it anymore. She reassured me he will be picked up. I changed into my jogging gear and as soon as my sister came and left, I was out the door with Sadie off for a nice run. I NEEDED THAT! Its amazing what that can do. I felt like almost, almsot a new person. Sweating and running with the music just relieves me. I kept thinking, here I am , working at it, and my sister goes and gets surgery. I am NOT a lazy person and it feels good to be able to say I run and I like to take care of myself (need to work double on that tho!)

So yesterday, I went to Target, to get one of my friends a birthday gift. She is the sweetest thing. I met her back almsot 6 years ago, at the Eating Disorder center when I went for 2 weeks. She is a petite little thing, 4'11 and has orange hair, just super cute reminds me of a MINI Lindsey Lohan (back in parent trap days) (def NOT like her one bit now) . She is quiet and is just super sweet has a heart of gold always has sent me things and I felt bad I had never been able to due to my money situation. Anways, I picked out her favorite gum, lipgloss and a $20 giftcard to Target (pretty sure she loves that store as well as I do! I swear I can spend a crapload of money in that store!) Well, I also bought 3 pairs of sockies for Sadie that were on CLEARANCE, I never really put socks on ehr anymore since its so damn hot here now (FL!) but I liked the colors (purple, pink, and white) and on sale! Can't beat that! I also rememebred I needed baby detergent. My mom always buys it for me but I thought this time let me buy it! I put everything on top of my doublestroller (I had both babies) and the degergent on the bottom since it was big. ($10 bottle). So I go up to the register pay for everything (or so I thought) (you can take a guess where I am going with this one). I had Sadie in my arm, my bag on my other arm pushing my nephew in the stroller and pushing them out to the car. I get to load them both in their carseats and I happen to look down and go "OH $h!t!". Yes, I TOTALLY forgot that I had the detergent!! I went back and forth decided should I go in there and tell them what happened and pay for it or just net time go and explain? Well I really did nto want to go back in, because I was dealing with the babies and they about had it. SO I choose to go on my way home. But on the drive, I felt SO SO SO guilty. I would NEVER intentionally steal, let alone with the babies thats just absurd. But, its been on my mind. OOPS!

Supermom? Yes/no maybe so?

As of right this very minute, I am in my grief. I miss Naomi SO very much. It hurts like hell all over again. I was just feeding my nephew in my mothers room and putting down for a nap, and I was staring at the picture my mom has on her desk of holding Naomi in the NICU. She also has a sonogram picture of her cut in a heart. Tears automatically started flowing, I cried silently while feedding my nephew. I started to remember things, I saw them flash in my head.

The days when noone would be home after Naomi passed, I would just run to my moms closet (it is big and open) and I would throw myself on the ground and just scream and cry and yell out my little girls name. I would look up at the ceiling in the closet and I would slap myself, hoping this was all just a horrible, horrible dream/nightmare. I was hoping I would wake up. I remember at night waking up and just screaming and crying and going into my moms room on her side and waking her up just to be held while screaming Naomi's name.

All of it came flooding back. Her birthday is right around the corner. Within a month and a half, I would have a two year old. That was born 12 weeks early, too early. I wonder what she would be doing at her age, but as a preeemie. Would she be talking somewhat? Would she be walking? Would she be far behind? I remember going into the hospital/nicu one more time to ask to see her again, but they had said the funeral home came and picked her up already. Oh my heart and stomach ACHE. When will I ever see my little angel again? I then ran to go and feed Sadie, and I cried somemore. I just hugged her tighly and looked into her eyes and said I miss your sister. I felt bad, because, I highly doubt that if Naomi were here, Sadie wouldnt be. I wish they can both me here.

~*~~*
I started watching my nephew on a new schedule starting today again, instead of the usual 9 to 3, she needs more hours. It is too much on her. She is 22, I do love my sister, but sometimes, I get very annoyed, lately I have. She is married, and has not one but THREE dogs, might as well as call them her children as well. She has ALWAYS been an animal lover, never a child person. She never took care of one or babysat, and here having this little boy, has really taken a toll on her. She does have an illness, which I feel so awful about, has had her trouble years and years ago with it, meds have helped but with just having him and the stress and hard work it is with him, its bringing it back out again. And my mom eplained to me she needs that break (used to be just two days) or she will go back downhill again.

So, she asked if I can watch him logner of a day, 8 am to 5 pm with a little more pay. I was upset over the pay, because she can welly afford it. But, I have come to be thankful, that she is able to help me out and I am able to help her out. The oney I am getting is better than I was before, which was 0 income. I just need to learn to start PUTTING it away. Money BURNS ME. I see that I have any amount and I will go and spend every cent of it. I do not know how to save. Its sad, and I wouldnt have been in this position if I had learned to save when I was a nanny. From my texas in 09, I made $24,000. And not a PENNY was saved. I could cry over that. But whats done is done. And i have to start fresh. Instead of math class in highschool, I wish they had a learn to save money and how to do your checking and write bills and what not. It makes a hell of a lot more sense, doesn't it?

Well, I guess today the stress of just knowing I would have a longer day, has got to me. They both took an hr nap from 9:30-10:30, although I had to lay with Sadie on mommy so she would nap. They both woke up and I thought, I am going to be supermom and try and take them out to the mall since I had to pick up Sadie's EXPENSENVIE NEVER AGANI Glamour Shots. I thought let me make two bottles, have them changed and put them both in the car. And off we went.

I got a lot of looks and comments on them. Some thought they were twins, I laughed, I said no, I could have tho, but the difference in size with them, is kinda funny. But I said one in my nephew and the other is mine. So we ran to pick up the pictures, I had seen before, but couldn't until I paid them off. Then since Starbucks was inside the mall (thank God) I thought, since I am having a longer day (until 5pm) I will need a jolt. So I got an iced white mocha. It was quite yummy!

I thought also lets take them over to the Rainforest Cafe and let them see the fishies in the huge fishtank and look around there. We did that and I took a walk around the mall. Then these new flipflops I had gotten from target that were #13 started to make a horrible scab on my foot. I was in so much pain I so did not want to take it off but I ended up taking it off and throwing it in the garbage. Yes, I was pushing the running stroller and walking with one foot barefoot and the other with the shoe on. I had to run to a shoe store and rememebred that there was one near where I ahd parked. So I was glancy quickly becasue both babies were getting antsy and I knew it was time for their nap. I thought hte prices were a bit high and I just wanted a plain flip flop that wouldnt cost me over $20. Since I was in a rush I didnt just wanna pick any old shoe. I finally found I pair, just plain black ones. I waited in line and my nephew started to fuss, couldn't find the rattle so then I strung out my keys.

Jingle jangle jingle while in line. These two spanish girls were yappin away with the cashier I was like come on already, (in my head). Then i was CLEARLY the next person in line and this girl BEHIND me goes right up to the register in front of me. I am standing there and was like ARE YOU SERIOUS? So then he starts ringing her up then looks at me and says werent you next? I said UM YEAH, I really gotta go and pointed, at my nephew. So he then rung me up instead. And the one spanish girls friend (the one that cutted me) was giving me glares. Um YOUR FRIEND WENT IN FRONT OF ME. Shoot. Made my nerves shot.

So its almost 3 pm and I am having a difficult day. I think all of this stress is taking its toll on me and I am just having an emotional day. Let ie be 5 o clock, soon please.

Milestones!

A week ago, I noticed Sadie started eating on her hands, so got me thinking, is she starting to teeth a bit? I googled and some said it could be that and or just learning and noticing her hands, developmentally. I thought how cute!

Then sure enough, I come in to check on her napping in her little swing, and I gasped. SHE WAS SUCKING ON HER THUMB!!! It was toooo cute! I just stood there a few minutes watching her. That I noticed was on the 7th.

Then *today* around 2:35 I thought I better hurry up and change Sadie's diaper before I have to run to get my sister from school. And a few minutes prior to that I thought Sadie was doing her business aka "tinky diaper" so when I had her on the changing table I was changing her and I said "no tinkys?!" she made a little noise like a half kinda laugh thing. I gasped. So I said it again, and, SHE STARTED TO LAUGH! I did it again, and she let out another laugh. Oh it was the CUTEST thing I had seen from her lately. I started welling up with tears. I just starred at her. To think those noises and sounds are coming from my little girl, oh she is growing up before my very own eyes! I quickly texted my mom and best friend and a few others. I was too happy!

I know there are lots more milestones to come, I just hope I am around to catch them!

Oh! And a few days ago, I got a text from a wonderful mama I have been talking to and keeping in touch with from the preeclampsia forums. She had told me her and her husband and baby were coming down this way to visit for the day. I was SO excited when I got that text. I had never gotten up so early and showered and got baby Sadie all clean that quick .

As I was walking up to them I started getting very teary eyed. I thought damn it Jill dont cry. Not now. But yet we both have been through hell and back lately and also from losing our sweet firstborns, and how we both now have our rainbow babies and meeting for the first time, oh it was just bittersweet but very nice. I had such a great time with them. We spent the day at the mall and had a nice lunch at Grand Lux Cafe.

I didn't want to say goodbye but good things have to come to an end and so they had to start heading back to their side of town. I am hoping to definitely see them again and next time head up over their way. It was too cute, we were telling everyone that they were on a date together, we got so many comments. Sadie wasnt the little baby anymore though, everywhere I went she was usually the little one! :)

Surprise, Surprise!

Sunday, September 12, was supposed to be my baby shower. The shower I had never been able to have with Naomi. I was looking forward to this yet I was full of emotions. I thought please let me be released so I can make my shower, yet I thought and know my health and babies health are so much more important than a baby shower that can take place after she is born & home with me. And I would have felt beyond horrible if I had went and something happened, afterall, I am still supposed to be on bedrest.

So anyways, my friend Kalie, (one who was throwing shower for me) came and visited me that day and brought some of the shower gifts I was meant to have because she knew I was upset and down about having to be in the hospital and missing my special day. My mom had been visiting as well and was able to see me open the gifs. She had got me the cutest little outfits, and nicknacks for a baby, pacifiers, teething rings, bottles, you name it! Said she also has alot more at home she could not bring. I was shocked. Then a little bit after, I got surprise visitors, friends I had not seen in awhile bringing in HUGE gifts. I just was so shocked and so very thankful for the friends I have. They would continue to tell me this baby girl wont go without anything. Made me very very happy. I just got so many adorable outfits, and boy did they think to also get bigger sizes in clothing! I also got tons of diapers & other baby nicknacks and even a yummy cake! I was just so happy, that definitely made my day for not having my shower! I was happy my mother was there to see me open the gifts.

Well, yesterday, my nurse came in near the end of shift and had said "Well I hear you are staying with us." I said "really? Like remainder of pregnancy?" She said yes, doctors don't want to take chances. I told her I said good because I wasnt going to let them release me this time. I wasn't goin anywhere. I was on bedrest at home, yes being from the bed or to the couch I was doing, but I also had to get up to make my own meals and of course living at home with my family theres alwayss something going n and my bp was just quite high. Being here in the hospital it is alot less stimulating and makes me calm. So that made me happy, I am hoping for at least another 2 weeks. I thought, wouldn't it be bitter sweet if I had Naomi's little sister on the 27th of this month? That would make me 36 weeks and 3 days. Yes my due date isnt until Oct 22nd, but I would so take that! So here is to a few more weeks!

I honestly cannot picture me having my little girlie in my arms and actually taking her home. The day I have her, is going to be FULL of emotions. I am going to be a mess, both happy, sad, excited, scared all rolled into one. Even thining about it now I am tearing up. I just know I will think about Naomi when being operated on and when I hear her little cry, boy, these doctors are going to think I am nuts. Its just going to be bittersweet. I am hoping to be able to wear my necklace with Naomi but I dont think I will be able to. I am hoping at least it can be near the table or I will let my mom hold on to it. I just cant believe how close I am and how delivery is pretty much right around the corner. Boy with these hospital stays, time flew by quick!

I am actually still stuck on a name!! For so long I had thought of Gracie Faith. I was driving one day months ago and saw this sign that said "Gracie Jit Jiu" or something like that. I repeated Gracie in my head and it really clickd with me. Then I thought Faith because Hope, it just went well with Naomi's name. Well my sisters had commented on it saying Gracie is pretty but that it sort of is country and or that Graceie & Faith is too much. So that kind of got me thinking, yet I know it is my own choice. Other names I have that I really do like are: Delaneey Grace, Aubrey, Rylie Paige, and I really do like alot Willow. I am into unique names. I joke and I tell my friends I am going to put them all in a bowl and just draw one, I cant choose! Maybe when I see her I will know? I am mad because I was so set on her little name. I still feel like she is "Gracie". We shall see.

Yesterday morning, I was watching a baby show and I thought let me stick with it so I can see if its a boy or girl and maybe here a name for an idea. And sure enough, they say "baby Naomi was born". My mouth dropped. Lately I had been having a lot of signs having Naomi around. I then started to tear up and had to change the channel. Another happening, I was in bed of course and my nurse commented on my necklace. She says "how many pictures does that hold" or something very similar to that. I paused for a few seconds and I then said "my daughter was cremated and she is with me here". She then started to sort of get off subject I guess she didn't know what to say but then I had said yes, alot of people assume I am wearing a locket. It does look like one. After she had left the room, I immediately got up and went into the bathroom and just started bawling my eyes out. I thought why me? Why? I WISH that my necklace was a locket with my sweet Naomi's picture in it. But its not. I carry her ashes with me. I have not taken this necklace off but maybe once or twice to clean the hair that gets stuck in it. I feel naked without it and I just evenI like shutter when it is off me. I am very thankful my sweet neighbor got it for me. Then, on one more note! I was watching tv a morning show & they have a segment on, and "Home" by Chris Daughtry starts playing. I thought oh my gosh, Naomi what are you doing to your mommy? That was the song that was playing in the OR when she was born.