Tuesday, March 15, 2011
As of right this very minute, I am in my grief. I miss Naomi SO very much. It hurts like hell all over again. I was just feeding my nephew in my mothers room and putting down for a nap, and I was staring at the picture my mom has on her desk of holding Naomi in the NICU. She also has a sonogram picture of her cut in a heart. Tears automatically started flowing, I cried silently while feedding my nephew. I started to remember things, I saw them flash in my head.
The days when noone would be home after Naomi passed, I would just run to my moms closet (it is big and open) and I would throw myself on the ground and just scream and cry and yell out my little girls name. I would look up at the ceiling in the closet and I would slap myself, hoping this was all just a horrible, horrible dream/nightmare. I was hoping I would wake up. I remember at night waking up and just screaming and crying and going into my moms room on her side and waking her up just to be held while screaming Naomi's name.
All of it came flooding back. Her birthday is right around the corner. Within a month and a half, I would have a two year old. That was born 12 weeks early, too early. I wonder what she would be doing at her age, but as a preeemie. Would she be talking somewhat? Would she be walking? Would she be far behind? I remember going into the hospital/nicu one more time to ask to see her again, but they had said the funeral home came and picked her up already. Oh my heart and stomach ACHE. When will I ever see my little angel again? I then ran to go and feed Sadie, and I cried somemore. I just hugged her tighly and looked into her eyes and said I miss your sister. I felt bad, because, I highly doubt that if Naomi were here, Sadie wouldnt be. I wish they can both me here.
I started watching my nephew on a new schedule starting today again, instead of the usual 9 to 3, she needs more hours. It is too much on her. She is 22, I do love my sister, but sometimes, I get very annoyed, lately I have. She is married, and has not one but THREE dogs, might as well as call them her children as well. She has ALWAYS been an animal lover, never a child person. She never took care of one or babysat, and here having this little boy, has really taken a toll on her. She does have an illness, which I feel so awful about, has had her trouble years and years ago with it, meds have helped but with just having him and the stress and hard work it is with him, its bringing it back out again. And my mom eplained to me she needs that break (used to be just two days) or she will go back downhill again.
So, she asked if I can watch him logner of a day, 8 am to 5 pm with a little more pay. I was upset over the pay, because she can welly afford it. But, I have come to be thankful, that she is able to help me out and I am able to help her out. The oney I am getting is better than I was before, which was 0 income. I just need to learn to start PUTTING it away. Money BURNS ME. I see that I have any amount and I will go and spend every cent of it. I do not know how to save. Its sad, and I wouldnt have been in this position if I had learned to save when I was a nanny. From my texas in 09, I made $24,000. And not a PENNY was saved. I could cry over that. But whats done is done. And i have to start fresh. Instead of math class in highschool, I wish they had a learn to save money and how to do your checking and write bills and what not. It makes a hell of a lot more sense, doesn't it?
Well, I guess today the stress of just knowing I would have a longer day, has got to me. They both took an hr nap from 9:30-10:30, although I had to lay with Sadie on mommy so she would nap. They both woke up and I thought, I am going to be supermom and try and take them out to the mall since I had to pick up Sadie's EXPENSENVIE NEVER AGANI Glamour Shots. I thought let me make two bottles, have them changed and put them both in the car. And off we went.
I got a lot of looks and comments on them. Some thought they were twins, I laughed, I said no, I could have tho, but the difference in size with them, is kinda funny. But I said one in my nephew and the other is mine. So we ran to pick up the pictures, I had seen before, but couldn't until I paid them off. Then since Starbucks was inside the mall (thank God) I thought, since I am having a longer day (until 5pm) I will need a jolt. So I got an iced white mocha. It was quite yummy!
I thought also lets take them over to the Rainforest Cafe and let them see the fishies in the huge fishtank and look around there. We did that and I took a walk around the mall. Then these new flipflops I had gotten from target that were #13 started to make a horrible scab on my foot. I was in so much pain I so did not want to take it off but I ended up taking it off and throwing it in the garbage. Yes, I was pushing the running stroller and walking with one foot barefoot and the other with the shoe on. I had to run to a shoe store and rememebred that there was one near where I ahd parked. So I was glancy quickly becasue both babies were getting antsy and I knew it was time for their nap. I thought hte prices were a bit high and I just wanted a plain flip flop that wouldnt cost me over $20. Since I was in a rush I didnt just wanna pick any old shoe. I finally found I pair, just plain black ones. I waited in line and my nephew started to fuss, couldn't find the rattle so then I strung out my keys.
Jingle jangle jingle while in line. These two spanish girls were yappin away with the cashier I was like come on already, (in my head). Then i was CLEARLY the next person in line and this girl BEHIND me goes right up to the register in front of me. I am standing there and was like ARE YOU SERIOUS? So then he starts ringing her up then looks at me and says werent you next? I said UM YEAH, I really gotta go and pointed, at my nephew. So he then rung me up instead. And the one spanish girls friend (the one that cutted me) was giving me glares. Um YOUR FRIEND WENT IN FRONT OF ME. Shoot. Made my nerves shot.
So its almost 3 pm and I am having a difficult day. I think all of this stress is taking its toll on me and I am just having an emotional day. Let ie be 5 o clock, soon please.