I made it .

Yes. I made it. Come to think of it, I have not been to a little ones birthday party since Naomi passed away. I had been invited to friends kids birthday parties, but I wasn't ready to go. My friend Anne had came over 3 weeks ago and invited me to her daughter Mia's birthday party. She gave me the cutest invitation. It was on photo print paper, and had her daughter on it with elmo. Super cute. I saved that.

I thought there is no way that I can't not go. Her and her husband have been so great to me. I remember them coming with 2 month old Mia when I was so very sick in the hospital, after having Naomi, with a huge laudary basket for a baby girl, FULL of the necessities. They also showered me with gifts before Sadie was born, again in the hospital. I had known her husband since middle school because we rode the bus together. She, is a year old than I tho, but I met her as well in highschool.

So I went to her birthday this afternoon. At first, seeing a few little ones arrive, got me a bit teary eyed and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle it all. I kept thinking, Naomi will be two. What would Naomi look like? Yet, I was holding a piece of her in my arms, her sister. I had to grab my necklace & kiss it. Soon, so many others arrived, s few other babies were there as well, in paticular, an 8 month old girl came, and her mom and I hit it off, was really sweet and we chatted most of the time and she even helped me a few times.

Earlier, I had been sitting outside and a family friend of my friend asked from a far, but really loudly "IS SHE YOUR FIRST!?!?". I noticed my friend Anne was looking at me a little bit from a far and I knew she had heard her, and for maybe 10 seconds, I stared off in lala land and my eyes were begining to fill up with tears. I should have KNOWN people would ask that damn question. I KNOW TO NEVER ASK, EVER. But anyways, I got up, and went over to her. I did not want to yell all of that back to her. So I went over and explained. She said, she was sorry. Then, bless her, but she told me she developed pre E , at term, at 37 weeks and then they said that was it. She said she didnt want to deal with any of that and some other things. I just didn't like the way she went about it and spoke about it.

Knowing I went through a loss and still am, forever will be, and had it again, but further on with Sadie. Ugh, some people. They just dont know. But otherwise, I had a very nice time at the party. Sadie was very well behaved, everyone commented on how well she was behaved and how beautiful she was. Made me smile. I know my little girl is beautiful, not just because she is mine, but I would definietly marvel from afar if I had seen her as well as being a stranger! :)

Just a few minutes ago, I happened to catch a few comments on an old highschool friends page on FB. I was like, no way. Really? Turns out, she is pregnant, again. Honestly, she's gotta be the 11th or so I know now that is pregnant. It is going around, it always seems to be! She has a 2 or 3 year old little girl. She found out apparently a day or two ago. So, she must be a few weeks along if that. And here some friends are always talking about "oh I cant wait to find out what you are having, and oh play dates this and that". OF COURSE I DO NOT want anything bad to happen to this girl, I do NOT wish the pain of loss on any mother. But, I just can't help but pick out so many that are I guess naive about it all? I can only pray for her. I just being in the loss community, I know ALL too well all that can go wrong. They automatically think, a positive pregnancy test equals a baby being brought home in 9 months in your arms. Um, no, not in my world it doesnt anymore.

The other day, I was walking, and I thought to myself. Out of my "class" and friends in highschool, I would say I am the only one that had a baby prematurely, and had her pass away. Me. Jill Marish. Why ME? WHY ME? I kept asking over and over and over again in my head like a broken record. What did I do to deserve it? No one is perfect but god, how my heart is for children, it just kills me.

If only THEY knew....

Yes, I feel like SCREAMING, and at them.

So, earlier today I read not one but TWO fb status' that just really really aggravated me and annoyed me. One that read:

"i swear i wish men were the ones to go through being pregnant and child birth ... like its easy carrying around an extra 30 pounds all in my belly, and having someone kick you all day. Before you bitch about what we do all day, try being pregnant!! ... just saying"

I LOVED when Sadie & Naomi would kick and punch me all day long. I couldn't have felt happier! I didn't get so big with Naomi, so I couldn't say that I was carrying around that extra weight until well after I had her I did balloon up with fluids. But with Sadie, I got bigger than I was when I was pregnant with Naomi, and I LOVED it. I wanted to even get bigger! I craved being uncomfortable, I craved the heartburn (even tho its not so fun! ha) but I craved it all. Pregnancy, and being a woman, I wouldn't change for the world. We get to carry our sweet babies, feel the love from day 1 we get that "pregnant" on our tests, and feel the continuous movements that I miss so much now, but yet am so very happy Naomi's sister is here safe & sound. If only SHE knew.

Then another friend of mine I couldn't BELIEVE wrote:

"please thursday morning come fast!! not feeling good at all today.. :("

So I reply back:Hey, if youre not feeling right, and not good call your doctor & go in today. No need to wait it out & something go wrong within a day. Ive seen & hear it happen. So make a call if you need to Tara.

Then she replies back to others and me & to me replies: jill-i called an tried to make my appointment today but shes the on call doctor an i didnt want to go to the hospital to be sent home so im just going to wait it out till tomorrow morning..

Well, can you guess what through my mind then!?!!?!?!? If you are not feeling well and off, who is one to GO IN AND CHECK ANYWAYS to make sure your baby is okay!?! And she is at the VERY VERY end of her pregnancy. How many times have I read so tragically that stuff goes terribly wrong, and possibly that extra day could have prevented it all? I even think in my case sometimes if only I went in "when this happened & this and so and so" would my Naomi be here today. I would rather go in and make sure everything is okay & be SENT HOME than waiting and going in the next day, and having to deliver a baby and go home WITHOUT my baby. I want to so badly comment again on it but something is holding me back? Actually, just now thinking, I may send her a personel message? Explaining where I am coming from? Yet I just dont want to scare her,(any suggestions!?) but it is a reality, yet I am sure everything is fine, but thats what us mothers may try and tell ourselves when in fact its not? I just worry, when I see comments & stuff like that, it drives me up the wall!

If only SHE KNEW.