I have a .....

ONE YEAR OLD~ OH MY GOD. I honestly cannot believe it. WHERE in the world has the time gone? The phrase "in the blink of an eye" cannot be any truer. I tell you, I put the planning of her birthday party off until the very last minute. Not a very good idea. 1, I really didn't want to think it would come. 2. I am a horrible planner, probably because I have never really planned anything in my life. I would so rather give it up to someone else to do. I am a "go with the flow" type gal. Normally, mothers plan oh MONTHS before, oh say probably at 6 months I am sure ideas start swirling in their head. Me? Ask me my opinion on anything? Shoot I am always like "i dont care, whatever you want." hah I am a very easy going person. YET I SHOULD HAVE SOME SAY IN MY DAUGHTERS LIFE! -aka FIRST birthday!

So the last few weeks or so (2-3) I started gathering ideas of themes and what not. First had decided on a rainbow theme since Sadie after all, is my rainbow. I came across these BEAUTIFUL rainbow cupcakes. Then when looking for ddecorations I thought oh crap its going to be hard to do rainbow. So I changed it to sort of a cupcake theme. But we are still going to do the rainbow cupcakes. I cannot wait! I am actually going over to my best friends house this morning, oh well in about 3.5 hrs from now! We have to make 3 dozen cupcakes! ANd layered! Each layer of the batter will have a different color of the rainbow! My best friend does AMAZING work! I usually watch when she bakes things but THIS, THIS I must help on, its my GIRLIES FIRST BIRTHDAY AFTERALL! I must do something! So I will be going over there this morning for a few hours while my mom and grandma watch miss Sadie girl!

I will have to come back and clean the bathroom (fun I know!) and I still have PARTY bags to get! Yes, very last minute you say. But I have a sort of a budget on this thing. :( I wish I can throw one of those amazing parties that I have come across with all the cute things but I just unfornately cannnot aford that now. Maybe next year! I also have to get these special sprinkles for the cupcakes and a signing autograph thing for memories for her as well AND the balloons! Ah! so much to do and so little time!

I will be having 25-30 people at this party. It will be at my house from 6-8 tonight. I am nervous! Some of my friends I havent seen in so long and lots havent even met Sadie yet! I am wondering how she will react. I know they say to keep the guest list small not to overwhelm her but hopefully she will do okay! I still have yet to know what I am wearing! Luckily the best friend said I can borrow something of hers! I need to update the wardrobe like BADLY!

Anyways, just thought I would throw out a quick post and I will CERTAINLY be writing up a birthday post if not tonight for sure toomorrrow!

I just cannot believe I have a ONE YEAR OLD! I honestly remember being up in the hospital for a week or so this time last year. I remember the shift change. The nurse I had over night comes in with another nurse and told me she had two things to tell me. I cant rememebr what the other thing was but that the other was it was BABY TIME! My labs were changing and with the headache I had all night that wouldnt go away and my other symptoms, my doctor was ready for delivery. I remember crying, tears of joy, excitement, scared, all emotions running hay wire! I remember texting my dear friend Ashley that morning. She was the first one I told. She was so excited and happy for me. I started writing everyone. I was made to be prepped. My mom even happened to be on the upper floor that morning workking and I had to give her a call so she can come to be in the OR with me! She was able to get her shift covered THANK GOD. My mom got all scrubbed up . I remember being wheeled by my doctor and the team of surgeons and what not. I remember passing a newborn baby girl in a little thing they have them in all the time. It all didnt seem real to me. I was brought back into a little room and up on the table I went. I was SO very scared. I started freaking in my mind. I did not want to have the baby. I was scared to go through surgery even tho I had it done 1.5 yr prior to t hat. But I had no choice haha. I remember getting the spinal tap and after that I was shaking so badly. I think also because I was just so scared.

I remember the doctor talking to me briefly and telling me some bits of waht was going on and I heard him talk in spanish to another person and I think mentioned something about me having a previous baby and possibly didnt make it. And well sure enough he told me I was going to start feeling tugging and pressure. Sure enough at 11:00 on the dot. my little girl was BORN! I heard cries, they cleaned her up a little and brought her over to my side so I can see her wrapped up in a blanket. Oh boy, here coems the water works!

I was able to kiss her on her little forehead. She was absoultey beautiful. I rememebr thinking tho, is she really mine? Did I just have her? ALl 4 lb 15 oz of her was mine. A head full of dark dark hair. She was a tiny little thing. She was just precious. My grandmother flew in that next day from Philly and my mom and dad came. She had to stay in the NICU for a day jsut to be watched and I happened to call on her status the next day and they said she will be brought to my room! I gasped! I started freaking. My grandma and mom and dad were all in the room and here my tiny little newborn baby girl was brought to me. I didn't know what to do. I smiled and I laughed and I cried. I remember trying to feed her with a little bottle because my milk had not came in yet. I remember her kind of choking and I freaked and handed her to my mom. Eventually I was able to get the heng of it. After all, I took care of HOW many babies and children before? I should know this! ha. I think I was just scared abnd nervous and so many emotions.

I remember, I didnt have a name 100% picked out for her. I orginally wanted Gracie Faith but when I told my sisiter they made comments and nurses had asked too I said I wasnt sure. I had about a couple hrs to decide. The birth certificate people wanted a name! I was like ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? My dad was holding Sadie and I was looking at her and thought what do I wanna name her? My dad suggested names and then one of them right off the bat was SAdie. I said SADIE!? Ew no, what kind of name was that? But then I started to say it aloud in my head and was looking at her. The more I said it and looked at her, I gasped. I said SHE LOOKS LIKE A SADIE (in my head). He said how about Sadie Marie? He even wrote it down on a napkin, to see what it would look like written out. (I have that napkin in her babybook !) They ended up habing to go home after spending a couple hours with me and helping since I had surgery. I had til 2 o clock that day to send a name down. Well I called my dad and was proud to tell him I decided on Sadie Marie! I remember the first night being alone with her. I remember crying and crying. I could not get over how much she resembled my sweetpea Naomi. They are sisers for sure. I just had no idea they would look so much alike. I knew she was around tho thats for sure.I had so many visitors who were so excited for me and to meet my little girl.

It really feels like yesterday that I brought this little girl home. She is my light she is my world. She is my everything. She keeps me going. HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY TO MY SWEET BABY GIRL, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SADIE MARIE! I love you with all my heart and I am so blessed to have gotten to watch and see you grow your first year. The tears, the laughter the joy you bring to me. You complete me. I know youre sweet sister Naomi is having a party up there with her friends for you. She is so proud of her little sister. I cant wait to watch you grow and blossom into the beautiful sweetheart that you are.

"A small gift can bring joy to the whole family"

Two years ago, at 9:16 am, I was made a mother. All 790 grams, 10 fingers, 10 toes, a button nose and beautiful big eyes, just super duper tiny. I delivered my sweet baby girl, Naomi Hope, emergency c section to severe preeclampsia on April 27, 2009.

I will never forget, at my 28 week checkup, I had been feeling just plain horrible thie night before at my brothers baseball game. My mom saw that I was finally gaining weight, or so she thought, all in my face. That wasnt normal. Everything went haywire at that checkup the next day, April 24. I was admitted after being sent to a specialist, a highrisk doctor, for severe preeclampsia. My best friend,now, took me to get clothes and what not, magazines and candies at Walgreens. I was so sick, little did I know, I thought I would go in and come right out the next day or so. But I was wrong, so very wrong.

The way the doctors and nurses were talking, I wasn't going to be pregnant much longer. It was a day to day thing on what test results had shown. Well, come Monday morning, April 27, the doctor and nurse come in and explain, I have +6 grams protein, jumped from 2+ in the office on Friday to 6 on Monday. That 5 is the cut off for severe preeclampsia. They explained a nurse will prep me for a c section and to call whoever I needed to call to come ASAP. Everything happened so quick. Before I knew it, I was being wheeled into the OR.

I remember being wheeled into a room with HUGE bright lights. I then was put onto a table like thing and I thought, is this where I am going to have the baby? This is weird. I was put on horrible magneisum to help stop any seizuring activities. The doctor went about his work (he wasnt on call from my dr since she was on vacation, THANK GOD, because I hate her, never listend to my concerns when I knew things were not right, mothers intuition. He started talking to me and I thought why is he talking to me, but came to find out he was just making convo to make sure I was okay and still hanging in there. I was very very sick. And here they have a radio in the OR and I start hearing the lyrics, "Im staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain, Im going to the place where loe and feeling good dont ever cost a thing. And the pain you feel's a differnt kind of pain. I'm going home back to the place where I belong and where you love has always been enough for me". Little did I know, how big this song would play in a role. It has me thinking, is "home" really Heaven? Was that a HUGE sign that I missed? I cry everytime I hear that song.

And the dr was singing it. And as the song was on, at 9"16 in the morning, I hear a "cat's meow" and my little Naomi was born. I didn't get to see her. She was whisked right away to the NICU because of her small minute size. oh I will never forget it. Two days later, I was wheeled into see her in her little room in the NICU. she had her stunna shades on, sunglasses to protect her eyes from the bililight she was on.

Oh I was such a proud mother, walking those halls 35 days. She survived 35 days in the hospital. I would have friends visit and family and tell them updates. Oh I had NO reason for her not to make it. Yes there were rough days but I just didnt think death was near us at all.

Naomi, you made me a mommy, forever and ever I will be your mommy. Not a day that goes by that I do not think of you and miss you. Today I took your sweet sister Sadie to the beach this morning. I took 3 balloons, 1 yellow (because I associate yellow butterflies with you) 1 blue (for your mommys sweet friend Holly, whos baby boy Benji would be 1 years old tomorrow) and a big balloon butterfly that says "thinking of you on it". I wrote messages to you and sweet Benji on them. I was supposed to release them at 9L16am the time you were born, but I accidently let go of them while holding onto your sister, 20 minutes before and I was SO So upset. I got mad but realized nothing I can do about it. I thought you would forgive me. They flew away pretty quick and I didnt get to talk and say what I wanted to say to you. We stayed at the ocean for a little bit until sissy got antsy. I let her play in the sand and touch the water. I wrote your name in the sand as always, as I do before I leave. I stared out into the ocean. My stomach hurt. My chest hurt. I felt today all day like a dark hazy cloud lay over me and my whole body. We met up with my dear friend Holly after and sat at Starbucks so I can recieve 2 more shirts for our March of Dimes walk on Saturday. Oh it pains me, how both of you and Benji were born way too soon to preeclampsia. Naomi, today was harder than ever little girly. Harder than last year. I did alot of crying yet held alot in too. I got home from the beach and I saw your pictures on the screensaver, out of ALL of the family pictures on there, yours decides to play. I started bawling my eyes out. I scared your poor little sister and she started to cry. One day, I will be able to tell her why mommy and her go to the beach every year on your special day, I want to tell her all about you. She is going to know all about her big sissy and how you protected her so that mommy can have her here safe and sound. Mommy loves you forever and always my baby you'll be.

I want to thank all of my dear friends and family who thought of me and my babies today, this week, this month, and always. It means so much to me. Thank you.

Sorry there was no Easter post, or what not. So much emotions. WIll try and do one after this weekend, a late Easter post. Thank you all and I hope all had a nice holiday weekend.

I would have an almost 2 year old.

I come after the number 1 and come before the number 3. I am the number 2.

I was at the bank this afternoon putting in a check so I can go purchase my white noise machine for baby Sadie. We were waiting outside to go into the little room and there was this maybe 20 some guy out there as well as another woman. He happened to ask how old Sadie was. I said shes 5 months. He said, "Have a two year old, its fun". I was about to say back "and a lot of work too." But I didn't.

I then kept repeating over and over in my head, I should have an almost 2 year old. My Naomi will be two in two months exactly (the 27th is about 30 minutes away). I kept looking in the clouds, as if something would appear. Nothing.

I went on with my day and I came home and was undressing Sadie for a bath. I then looked over at Naomi's memorial that is across from her changing table. (Sadie can turn her head to where she can see it). I then told her like I always do, that is your big sister Naomi. She is watching over you, and I can't wait to tell you all about her. I said this all to Sadie this time, with tears just pouring from my eyes. I kept looking at her pictures and just was so heartbroken all over again.

I then took Sadie with me to throw away a diaper in the kitchen. Then I see Naomi's vidoes and pictures playing on the computer. (OUr slideshow is of ALL of the computer pictures and videos, very random all the time). And here it happened to be hers after I was just thinking about her and kissed my necklace. That made me cry even harder, I felt back in my strong grief all over again. My dog was even looking at me and was ready to jump on me. (He used to jump on me and lick my face all the time when iwas home alone just bawling and screaming my eyes out for Naomi days, weeks and months after her passing.)

I hugged Sadie and put her into the bath tub and tried to continue on and not be hyssterical while giving her a bath.

I simply miss Naomi. I would have an almost 2 year old.

I made it .

Yes. I made it. Come to think of it, I have not been to a little ones birthday party since Naomi passed away. I had been invited to friends kids birthday parties, but I wasn't ready to go. My friend Anne had came over 3 weeks ago and invited me to her daughter Mia's birthday party. She gave me the cutest invitation. It was on photo print paper, and had her daughter on it with elmo. Super cute. I saved that.

I thought there is no way that I can't not go. Her and her husband have been so great to me. I remember them coming with 2 month old Mia when I was so very sick in the hospital, after having Naomi, with a huge laudary basket for a baby girl, FULL of the necessities. They also showered me with gifts before Sadie was born, again in the hospital. I had known her husband since middle school because we rode the bus together. She, is a year old than I tho, but I met her as well in highschool.

So I went to her birthday this afternoon. At first, seeing a few little ones arrive, got me a bit teary eyed and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle it all. I kept thinking, Naomi will be two. What would Naomi look like? Yet, I was holding a piece of her in my arms, her sister. I had to grab my necklace & kiss it. Soon, so many others arrived, s few other babies were there as well, in paticular, an 8 month old girl came, and her mom and I hit it off, was really sweet and we chatted most of the time and she even helped me a few times.

Earlier, I had been sitting outside and a family friend of my friend asked from a far, but really loudly "IS SHE YOUR FIRST!?!?". I noticed my friend Anne was looking at me a little bit from a far and I knew she had heard her, and for maybe 10 seconds, I stared off in lala land and my eyes were begining to fill up with tears. I should have KNOWN people would ask that damn question. I KNOW TO NEVER ASK, EVER. But anyways, I got up, and went over to her. I did not want to yell all of that back to her. So I went over and explained. She said, she was sorry. Then, bless her, but she told me she developed pre E , at term, at 37 weeks and then they said that was it. She said she didnt want to deal with any of that and some other things. I just didn't like the way she went about it and spoke about it.

Knowing I went through a loss and still am, forever will be, and had it again, but further on with Sadie. Ugh, some people. They just dont know. But otherwise, I had a very nice time at the party. Sadie was very well behaved, everyone commented on how well she was behaved and how beautiful she was. Made me smile. I know my little girl is beautiful, not just because she is mine, but I would definietly marvel from afar if I had seen her as well as being a stranger! :)

Just a few minutes ago, I happened to catch a few comments on an old highschool friends page on FB. I was like, no way. Really? Turns out, she is pregnant, again. Honestly, she's gotta be the 11th or so I know now that is pregnant. It is going around, it always seems to be! She has a 2 or 3 year old little girl. She found out apparently a day or two ago. So, she must be a few weeks along if that. And here some friends are always talking about "oh I cant wait to find out what you are having, and oh play dates this and that". OF COURSE I DO NOT want anything bad to happen to this girl, I do NOT wish the pain of loss on any mother. But, I just can't help but pick out so many that are I guess naive about it all? I can only pray for her. I just being in the loss community, I know ALL too well all that can go wrong. They automatically think, a positive pregnancy test equals a baby being brought home in 9 months in your arms. Um, no, not in my world it doesnt anymore.

The other day, I was walking, and I thought to myself. Out of my "class" and friends in highschool, I would say I am the only one that had a baby prematurely, and had her pass away. Me. Jill Marish. Why ME? WHY ME? I kept asking over and over and over again in my head like a broken record. What did I do to deserve it? No one is perfect but god, how my heart is for children, it just kills me.

NICU visit, & then some...

Yesterday, I went to visit my friend whom I met during my stay in the hospital 3 weeks ago. I had told her I would visit her a few days ago, but kept putting it off. I really did not want to go into a NICU again even tho I had been a couple months after losing Naomi. I finally tho, decided to go, to be there for her, it is not an easy job. I met up with her and we walked into her baby's room. I was amazed, I SO wish Naomi had been born there. They have their own very private rooms! So she can be with her own baby, 24/7, has a couch in there to sleep on, it was just so nice. I was able to touch her son, remembered all the precautions that had to be taken, washing hands, I remember and did it all. Seeing the very less tubes tho on him, reminded me of Naomi. His movements reminded me of Naomi, the way he was sleeping on his belly reminded me of Naomi. That was her favorite position, and well mommys too that I just thought she was oh so cute as she slept!

We both talked about our experiences and how when pree comes, it comes and gets you quick! It makes me so angry about it, that word will just haunt me forever & ever. I tell her how everytime I find out a friend is pregnant or has a headache, I quickly tell her to watch bp, and watch for these signs. It is no joke. But I am glad I went to see her. I had wanted to cry several times but did not want to scare her or upset her. She knows, it is a rollercoaster in there. One day good news, the next bad and on and on. I just am praying for that baby to continue his journey and hopefully by the end of September, he will get to go home!

On another note, I just am amazed, at how far I have come. I just was reading my journal entries on when I lost Naomi, months after, talking about not wanting to llive and just my memories of me screaming and crying and calling her name, and being in bed for days and weeks on end, depressed, not eating, sleeping all day, just crying and wanting to be all alone. I still have my days, but those days are alot less than before. I still look at my sweet Naomis pictures and think, I cannot believe I had her, and within a month, was taken from me. But I am very thankful I had gotten to meet her and spend those weeks with her.

So far, this pregnancy, is going well. I know my Naomi is watching over the both of us. I have had several signs from her, I believe she is all around. I have made it to 30+ weeks, 5 days, it seems odd saying that, I am not used to it. I am just hoping and praying it continues that way, but I know and am ready for anything to change. I am watching myself like a hawk! I try and picture myself holding this little girlie, but I just can't. I don't know how I am going to feel, I know overwhelmed with emotions. I just know I will be an emotional mess, but thankful to meet Naomi's little sister. May all go well and continue this way, and for all the other mommies out there, I PRAY FOR YOU ALL AS WELL.

The next couple of days will be filled with birthday celebrations, my mom's is tomorrow, mine is on Friday, and then on TUESDAY is the big day. I will be having a 4D ultrasound done by my doctor's office, I CANNOT wait to see my little girl. I haven't gotten much of a peek of her, so I am hoping she will be cooperative! My best friend and 2 other friends will probably be joirning me as well. AND my sister is 38 weeks, 39 on friday, and is due anytime now, so these next few days, and weeks shall be filled with lots of exciting things to come, I HOPE! <3