Saturday, December 25, 2010
This Christmas, I have an angel in Heaven, who has had her 2nd Christmas up there. Her name is Naomi. I miss her with every inch of my body. I grabbed her ornamnet on the tree tonight, and just kissed it. This morning, was a little difficult. While opening gifts with the family, I felt my eyes beginning to fill up with tears. Even with the laughter, the smiles, the gift opening, EVEN WITH SADIE IN MY ARMS. I got up and took Sadie to my room and just had to sit in the rocking chair & let the tears flow.I kissed Naomi & kissed her pictures.I then heard my name, jumped up, wiped my face, and came out and began on with the festivities.
This Christmas feels alot different than last years. Last year, I did not want to partake in ANY thing. I can barely remember last Christmas. I do know I was in Philly with my sister and grandma. I remember getting a journal from my Uncle, because I specfically told him I wanted nothing. He too knows how I feel, he lost a child at 9 years old. So he knows. So I had that journal to write things out, write out my pain, write out my anger, my hurt, my sadness. I am in alot better place now than I was last year. I didn't think I would make it. I have. I actually wanted to do things this Christmas, bake, and hang with the family, it felt different, yet a little bettter, yet still sad. I will forever have that spot in my heart that aches, that spot that is for Naomi. Can never be filled.
This Christmas was very nice. We spent the morning opening gifts, I just watched everyone open theirs, with Sadie in my lap. Then everyone was wanting me to open gifts. I didn't care much for gifts. My gift, was in my lap. She was here, perfect as ever. I just look at it is I got my gift 3 months early :) (on time tho Thank God). My sister came over with my nephew and her husband and it was very lovely. Later this evening we were invited to a Christmas party at my brother in laws fathers house. I am glad I went! My mom, two sisters, and babies went. They all awwed at them, and how they are so close in age, yet saw the big difference in weight and size wise. I explained about Naomi to this one older lady and after I said she passed, she says "oh I am so sorry." then says "oh well you have her now". I am sure she didnt mean it like that, but I felt it. I just kept that replaying in my head for a few minutes. Then went on with the night. I enjoyed talking to the others and sharing Sadie, oldies marveled over her, got some smiles here and there. Made mama happy & proud.
This Christmas was bittersweet. My sweet Naomi I know is watching over her mommy and little sister. This Christmas I have my 2nd daughter, Sadie, to spend it with and my wonderful family & friends. I am truely blessed. To me, it is not about the gifts, its about being with the ones you love and enjoying the company and sharing stories and building memories. I have always been someone who was not materialistic. I could do with out a LOT. One thing I did receive, the big gift I had asked for though, was a camcorder. Santa brought mommy one this year, so I can video Sadie as she grows & catch her milestones.
This Christmas was a hit. Merry Christmas my angel Naomi. Mommy loves you so very much and misses you dearly. So does little sister Sadie. Merry Christmas to all the families, and sweet babies and children who cannot be here with us, but are forever in our hearts and minds every single day. Here is to Christmas 2010 and may these last 5-6 days of the year be filled with fun, laughter, hope, love, faith and happiness.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sadie is now 3 months old and 3 days! I cannot believe it. It feels like yesterday that she came home from the hospital, on her bililights (soon to become two). I remember as if it were yesterday. The other day, I had her laying on my bed and I was talking to her and I just immediately remembered when she took up "this" much space and now is taking up "this" much space. She has definitely grown alot since birth! Thats a wonderful thing, yet makes me sad. I have been told by several mommmies that time flies in the blink of an eye. Boy are they RIGHT. She has done so many new and cute things. This past week, she started making these sounds and whenever mommy would do it she would COPY me. Also, I can tell she is definitely more aware and will look around at things. FOr example, at night, she will just look & stare at the Christmas tree and the lights. Its so cute. And of course, she smiles more than ever now. I CANNOT wait to hear when she first laughs! That is just going to make me melt! Oh the things to come!
This past Monday, Sadie fell asleep from 8 to 11, I was suprirsed, IN her swing. I took her back to bed because I was ready for bed, fed her & she went back to sleep. That was a first of going to sleep alot earlier than the other nights of 11/12 o clock. Made me a happy mama!
Also, on Wednesday, we had her apt at the hopsital for a reflux test. We went into this room and there was a machine and a little gown for her to wear. I was sad and all worked up about having to have her to have this test done. I was worried it was going to hurt her. But she did well, just a little tiny tube up the bladder & a doctor came in to take pictures. Negative on the reflux. So that was good. Just will have to do more following up for her hydronorpsis (sp?) (fluid in kidneys). I like this doctor, he is very nice & explains quite well.
Later on that night, I attended a NICU party that my friend invited me to at Joe Dimaggio. Neither one of my babies were born there, but I WISH I had Naomi there. A couple months after Naomi passed, I spoke to a friend and a few others, who have had their babies there. That is a children hospital, and did have a level 3 nicu just like Plantation General did. But I just feel as if she were born there, she would have been here today. Everytime I see that hospital commercial on the tv, I get all sad and worked up. I met so many families that night. In the beginning, it was tough. EVEN THOUGH, I was holding Sadie in my arms. I saw all these families saying hi to each other (known prob from inside the NICU) and I just got teary eyed. I thought wth I cannot cry in here I just cant. They have gone through all so much but yet SO HAVE I. MY DAUGHTER DIED. She DIDNT make it. But I was able to hold it together thankfully. I spoke to a mom, who knew of my story somehow through FB, and ended up pointing out two families to me. Her daughter, which is 27 years old, had her baby girl at 30 weeks weighing 1 lb 6 oz, and I spoke right up, "preeclampsia?". Of course it was. Made me sad but her little girl is doing well, SO so pretty.
I also was told about an 11 oz baby who was born in that hospital, smallest ever in Broward County (where I live) to live and survive. Has some issues but otherwise is pretty good. I am just amazed at all the stories. But I was glad to have went and had a very nice time speaking to the families & seeing my friend.
Monday, December 13, 2010
I cant believe the time is already here. The holidays have came upon us just as quickly as they left last year. The holidays should be a happy and exciting time, but to be honest, I am not all smiles...Yes, my beautiful Sadie is here with mommy, and I am EVER so thankful for that, she is what I craved for after I lost Naomi. But, I just find myself having my days to where I just still cant believe she is gone. I remember how distraught i was last year this time. I can barely remember last December honestly. I just wanted it to fly on by.
The other day I was holding Sadie, letting her look at the lights on the Christmas tree that was put up and my mom had the radio on with Christmas music. On comes "Where are you Christmas" by Faith Hill. I always have loved this song and reminds me from the Grinch movie. I immeditately said out loud to my mom "awe this song is sad". And as it started playing, I just got overwhelmed and tears started streaming down my face. My mom knew. She just hugged me. I had to take Sadie into my room and just cry. I felt like as if I was stabbed, and punched 1000 times. I just really missed Naomi and yearned for her right then and there. I just hugged Sadie & told her I am sorry. I love both my girls so very much. I just felt the extremem sadness I havent felt in a while and it really got to me.
These last few weeks and days, I honestly cannot believe where they went. I swear, it feels like I just had Sadie yesterday. I remember her just SWIMMING in her newborn clothes and look now! She is already into O-3 months size! I can't believe it. Every day, I swear she gets prettier. A couple days ago, I would say around the 7th of December, Sadie started making these little almost like cooing sounds, makes a sound with her mouth just like mommy does. I will do it and she will repeat it. It is the cutest little thing. Its as if she is communicating trying to tell mommy something. I love seeing and watching all her new things and milestones that she will hit. I wake up to her each & every morning and I just look at her something thinking "is she really mine?" She will wake up and I will talk to her and she just lets out BIG baby smiles. I just love it! I get lots of comments on how she looks alot like me. I see it, and I love it. I just think how beautiful it is how two people can create such life. Yet I wish things were different on my end. But thats OKAY!
I am proud of myself. I am doing this pretty much ALL on my own, yes with financial help from my parents and I am BEYOND BEYOND thankful for. But care wise, I am taking care of Sadie 24/7. I dont catch a break. Thats okay. It's not easy, but I love being a mommy, both to her and Naomi. I am looking forward to whats to come in both of our futures!
On Saturday, I took Sadie to Meet Santa. I got to dress her up in her little santa outfit and take her on to the hospital where she was born at. There were so many kids & families with their children & babies all dressed up. I felt so happy, to take Sadie, and share this experience with her. Although she slept most of the time, she woke up a little on her own as I placed her in Santa's arms. They took 2 pictures of her and one with mommy in with Santa and Sadie. I can't wait to see how they turn out! I will be able to place a picture in her First Christmas 2010 picture frame!