I have a .....

ONE YEAR OLD~ OH MY GOD. I honestly cannot believe it. WHERE in the world has the time gone? The phrase "in the blink of an eye" cannot be any truer. I tell you, I put the planning of her birthday party off until the very last minute. Not a very good idea. 1, I really didn't want to think it would come. 2. I am a horrible planner, probably because I have never really planned anything in my life. I would so rather give it up to someone else to do. I am a "go with the flow" type gal. Normally, mothers plan oh MONTHS before, oh say probably at 6 months I am sure ideas start swirling in their head. Me? Ask me my opinion on anything? Shoot I am always like "i dont care, whatever you want." hah I am a very easy going person. YET I SHOULD HAVE SOME SAY IN MY DAUGHTERS LIFE! -aka FIRST birthday!

So the last few weeks or so (2-3) I started gathering ideas of themes and what not. First had decided on a rainbow theme since Sadie after all, is my rainbow. I came across these BEAUTIFUL rainbow cupcakes. Then when looking for ddecorations I thought oh crap its going to be hard to do rainbow. So I changed it to sort of a cupcake theme. But we are still going to do the rainbow cupcakes. I cannot wait! I am actually going over to my best friends house this morning, oh well in about 3.5 hrs from now! We have to make 3 dozen cupcakes! ANd layered! Each layer of the batter will have a different color of the rainbow! My best friend does AMAZING work! I usually watch when she bakes things but THIS, THIS I must help on, its my GIRLIES FIRST BIRTHDAY AFTERALL! I must do something! So I will be going over there this morning for a few hours while my mom and grandma watch miss Sadie girl!

I will have to come back and clean the bathroom (fun I know!) and I still have PARTY bags to get! Yes, very last minute you say. But I have a sort of a budget on this thing. :( I wish I can throw one of those amazing parties that I have come across with all the cute things but I just unfornately cannnot aford that now. Maybe next year! I also have to get these special sprinkles for the cupcakes and a signing autograph thing for memories for her as well AND the balloons! Ah! so much to do and so little time!

I will be having 25-30 people at this party. It will be at my house from 6-8 tonight. I am nervous! Some of my friends I havent seen in so long and lots havent even met Sadie yet! I am wondering how she will react. I know they say to keep the guest list small not to overwhelm her but hopefully she will do okay! I still have yet to know what I am wearing! Luckily the best friend said I can borrow something of hers! I need to update the wardrobe like BADLY!

Anyways, just thought I would throw out a quick post and I will CERTAINLY be writing up a birthday post if not tonight for sure toomorrrow!

I just cannot believe I have a ONE YEAR OLD! I honestly remember being up in the hospital for a week or so this time last year. I remember the shift change. The nurse I had over night comes in with another nurse and told me she had two things to tell me. I cant rememebr what the other thing was but that the other was it was BABY TIME! My labs were changing and with the headache I had all night that wouldnt go away and my other symptoms, my doctor was ready for delivery. I remember crying, tears of joy, excitement, scared, all emotions running hay wire! I remember texting my dear friend Ashley that morning. She was the first one I told. She was so excited and happy for me. I started writing everyone. I was made to be prepped. My mom even happened to be on the upper floor that morning workking and I had to give her a call so she can come to be in the OR with me! She was able to get her shift covered THANK GOD. My mom got all scrubbed up . I remember being wheeled by my doctor and the team of surgeons and what not. I remember passing a newborn baby girl in a little thing they have them in all the time. It all didnt seem real to me. I was brought back into a little room and up on the table I went. I was SO very scared. I started freaking in my mind. I did not want to have the baby. I was scared to go through surgery even tho I had it done 1.5 yr prior to t hat. But I had no choice haha. I remember getting the spinal tap and after that I was shaking so badly. I think also because I was just so scared.

I remember the doctor talking to me briefly and telling me some bits of waht was going on and I heard him talk in spanish to another person and I think mentioned something about me having a previous baby and possibly didnt make it. And well sure enough he told me I was going to start feeling tugging and pressure. Sure enough at 11:00 on the dot. my little girl was BORN! I heard cries, they cleaned her up a little and brought her over to my side so I can see her wrapped up in a blanket. Oh boy, here coems the water works!

I was able to kiss her on her little forehead. She was absoultey beautiful. I rememebr thinking tho, is she really mine? Did I just have her? ALl 4 lb 15 oz of her was mine. A head full of dark dark hair. She was a tiny little thing. She was just precious. My grandmother flew in that next day from Philly and my mom and dad came. She had to stay in the NICU for a day jsut to be watched and I happened to call on her status the next day and they said she will be brought to my room! I gasped! I started freaking. My grandma and mom and dad were all in the room and here my tiny little newborn baby girl was brought to me. I didn't know what to do. I smiled and I laughed and I cried. I remember trying to feed her with a little bottle because my milk had not came in yet. I remember her kind of choking and I freaked and handed her to my mom. Eventually I was able to get the heng of it. After all, I took care of HOW many babies and children before? I should know this! ha. I think I was just scared abnd nervous and so many emotions.

I remember, I didnt have a name 100% picked out for her. I orginally wanted Gracie Faith but when I told my sisiter they made comments and nurses had asked too I said I wasnt sure. I had about a couple hrs to decide. The birth certificate people wanted a name! I was like ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? My dad was holding Sadie and I was looking at her and thought what do I wanna name her? My dad suggested names and then one of them right off the bat was SAdie. I said SADIE!? Ew no, what kind of name was that? But then I started to say it aloud in my head and was looking at her. The more I said it and looked at her, I gasped. I said SHE LOOKS LIKE A SADIE (in my head). He said how about Sadie Marie? He even wrote it down on a napkin, to see what it would look like written out. (I have that napkin in her babybook !) They ended up habing to go home after spending a couple hours with me and helping since I had surgery. I had til 2 o clock that day to send a name down. Well I called my dad and was proud to tell him I decided on Sadie Marie! I remember the first night being alone with her. I remember crying and crying. I could not get over how much she resembled my sweetpea Naomi. They are sisers for sure. I just had no idea they would look so much alike. I knew she was around tho thats for sure.I had so many visitors who were so excited for me and to meet my little girl.

It really feels like yesterday that I brought this little girl home. She is my light she is my world. She is my everything. She keeps me going. HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY TO MY SWEET BABY GIRL, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SADIE MARIE! I love you with all my heart and I am so blessed to have gotten to watch and see you grow your first year. The tears, the laughter the joy you bring to me. You complete me. I know youre sweet sister Naomi is having a party up there with her friends for you. She is so proud of her little sister. I cant wait to watch you grow and blossom into the beautiful sweetheart that you are.

I have not forgotten

As today comes to an end, I want to say that I have not forgotten what today is. Today, 10 years ago, as we all know, marks one of the worst days in history. Where were you when word got out? I was at home, "sick" from school, I was in middle school. I remember my dad calling me from work saying to turn on the tv there was a plane that hit some tower. Honestly, I didnt think much of it and I thought, oh that sucks. I eventually turned it on and paid half attention not really knowing what all of it meant. I remember bits and pieces. I rememember my mom coming in from the grocery store with bags, crying. She said "its like a scene from a horror movie". Times 1000.

Last week in school, this woman asked me to help hold up a paper so she can put up with tape. She explained to me that all the 3000+ names of the victims will be written on that paper. Sure enough, they were. I just gasped and teared up. How can one individual do such a thing? I still cant grasp my head around it all. I can't and never will.

My sisters old best friend, used to live across the street. Her mothers ex boyfriend was a 9/11 NYC fire fighter. He survived it all but had to stop working because had very bad smoke inhalation.

The countless of stories I have heard and videos and coverage I have seen. I remember last year I was in the hospital, very pregnant, with Sadie, watching coverage all day of it. It was very emotional. I will never forget. This day 10 years ago has made history. History I so wish we were not apart of.

I am taking a moment of silence for all the victims and their families. Bless you all.

Merry Christmas!

This Christmas, I have an angel in Heaven, who has had her 2nd Christmas up there. Her name is Naomi. I miss her with every inch of my body. I grabbed her ornamnet on the tree tonight, and just kissed it. This morning, was a little difficult. While opening gifts with the family, I felt my eyes beginning to fill up with tears. Even with the laughter, the smiles, the gift opening, EVEN WITH SADIE IN MY ARMS. I got up and took Sadie to my room and just had to sit in the rocking chair & let the tears flow.I kissed Naomi & kissed her pictures.I then heard my name, jumped up, wiped my face, and came out and began on with the festivities.

This Christmas feels alot different than last years. Last year, I did not want to partake in ANY thing. I can barely remember last Christmas. I do know I was in Philly with my sister and grandma. I remember getting a journal from my Uncle, because I specfically told him I wanted nothing. He too knows how I feel, he lost a child at 9 years old. So he knows. So I had that journal to write things out, write out my pain, write out my anger, my hurt, my sadness. I am in alot better place now than I was last year. I didn't think I would make it. I have. I actually wanted to do things this Christmas, bake, and hang with the family, it felt different, yet a little bettter, yet still sad. I will forever have that spot in my heart that aches, that spot that is for Naomi. Can never be filled.

This Christmas was very nice. We spent the morning opening gifts, I just watched everyone open theirs, with Sadie in my lap. Then everyone was wanting me to open gifts. I didn't care much for gifts. My gift, was in my lap. She was here, perfect as ever. I just look at it is I got my gift 3 months early :) (on time tho Thank God). My sister came over with my nephew and her husband and it was very lovely. Later this evening we were invited to a Christmas party at my brother in laws fathers house. I am glad I went! My mom, two sisters, and babies went. They all awwed at them, and how they are so close in age, yet saw the big difference in weight and size wise. I explained about Naomi to this one older lady and after I said she passed, she says "oh I am so sorry." then says "oh well you have her now". I am sure she didnt mean it like that, but I felt it. I just kept that replaying in my head for a few minutes. Then went on with the night. I enjoyed talking to the others and sharing Sadie, oldies marveled over her, got some smiles here and there. Made mama happy & proud.

This Christmas was bittersweet. My sweet Naomi I know is watching over her mommy and little sister. This Christmas I have my 2nd daughter, Sadie, to spend it with and my wonderful family & friends. I am truely blessed. To me, it is not about the gifts, its about being with the ones you love and enjoying the company and sharing stories and building memories. I have always been someone who was not materialistic. I could do with out a LOT. One thing I did receive, the big gift I had asked for though, was a camcorder. Santa brought mommy one this year, so I can video Sadie as she grows & catch her milestones.

This Christmas was a hit. Merry Christmas my angel Naomi. Mommy loves you so very much and misses you dearly. So does little sister Sadie. Merry Christmas to all the families, and sweet babies and children who cannot be here with us, but are forever in our hearts and minds every single day. Here is to Christmas 2010 and may these last 5-6 days of the year be filled with fun, laughter, hope, love, faith and happiness.