Wednesday, February 23, 2011

As if ONCE wasn't enough!?

A is for apple, B is for banana, C is for chocolate? No, youre fat, you can't be eating that.

"Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels".

Yes, when I was 14 years old, until about 19/20, I have dealt with eating disorders. All of them, well the 3 main ones. Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge eating. I thought I was "fat" at 124 lbs and I decided to restrict my caloric intake to about a meer 500 calories a day. I would know and research what I was eating. I belonged to "pro ana" websites and livejournals at the time.I would write down what I ate every day and count the calories. I met girls online who would help me with my sick obsession. It all worked for a while, I lost weight and was feeling pretty happy, yet I really wasn't. I jumped with glee when my family started to notice i was losing weight. I would go all day without eating much, come home from school and drink a few glasses of Diet Green Tea. That was my stuff then. The lowest I ever got was 106 at my small frame of 5'1.

Eventually, I caved in. I began to eat. A little too much because I was just starving. I starved myself for too long I needed to eat. I would get mad at myself and punish myself. Noone suggested it, but I did it. I purged. I did that for a while, but then I started to stop because I got scared. I thought and have read that you can die and choke. I then was stuck. I binged and binged and binged, I ate up all my feelings. My heightest weight ever, was 155 lbs at 5'1. Talk about YUCK. But, I was sick. I would eat a box of chocolate icecream bars (they were my dads) and I had to go to the store to replace them. I ate 5-6 peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches. I ate bread, and icecream, they were my go tos.I started taking out my hurt and anger because I could nOT stop myself from binging EVERY single day. I would do good for part of the day then I would ruin it all and just binge and binge. I would cry because I would not stop. It got to the point where my mom had to put LOCKS on the fridge and cupboards so I could not get into the food anymore. I was sick.

I would cry to my mom as well. She would tell me its okay, tomorrow is another day. I looked at it as, tomorrow is another day I am going to binge. I did this bingeing stuff for over a year. I went from 106 lbs, to 155 lbs. I got distructive at home, I was so upset with myself. I took it out on my family dog. I yelled, I screamed. I was a mess. ALl because of this food, I kept eatng and eating. My dad wanted to kick me out at 17 or so I think, but luckily my uncle and aunt offered to take me in, so off I went to Pennsylvania to live for 4 months during the winter. Then I also had trouble up there and wanted to go back home. But they wouldnt accept me back until a few months. I came back in April.

I still was binging when I got home. I even had an eating disorder therapist, we talked and what not she gave me her tips ands tuff, but it didn't really help. I went to an eating disorder clinic, inpatient, for two weeks. I met a great group of girls, all who had different stories and such sad stories. Eating disorders suck the life out of us all literally. I met and have kept a few friends from then and this September will be 5 years since I was there. I was 140 lbs then and came home and gained 15 more at my heighest.

I then went to a school and I don';t know what happened or came over me but I stopped cold turkey. I started restricting heavily again, and I dropped weight quick. I was on my way to thinville again. But I did not want to start the vicious cycle all over. For about 7 years, I dealt with all of this. It was pure hell.

Today, I am so very happy to say I am very well far from that road again. I remember 2 years ago or so when I was living with my ex, I thought, how great it feels to be able to be in control when I eat, stop when I feel full, not restrict, not over eat. It felt great. I NEVER thought I would get to that point.

Well, my grandmother is visiting, came down for my nephews baptism. We were sitting on the couch a few days ago and she said some comment I cant really remember but she basically said I was fat. It hurt me. Well, I just had a baby five months ago. I can't use that excuse much longer, but I did. I did not gain a LOT of weight, but nor am I super skinny. It takes TIME to get that off, some can get it quicker than others. I, really wasnt watching what I ate, but I never really ate alot these months, but my sweet tooth always got me. I didnt exercise either really besides little walks around the block. Well up when that comment was made, I did some changes.

I cut out eating sweets and breads started exercising more, sometiems even twice a day. Summer is coming up, I will be taking my Sadie to the water park (ohh I cannot wait!) so I must look good, I think! I do not have access to a gym now nor can I afford one, but that is not an excuse. The OUTSIDE IS FREE! I have legs, I have rollerblades, I can make up my own routines and get fit! I know I can. I have 10-15 lbs I would like to lose and stay that way. I am small, so any kind of weight on me you can see! I would like to lose my thighs and some arms and my tummy. My sister did, why can't I? I have my little girl to motivate me, I want to be healthy and set a good example for her.

Well, today, my grandmother made another comment. I was eating well all week, and was very proud of myself and exercising. I had just made myself a wrap with hummus, turkey and cheese that a friend suggested. I was so eager to try it, it was delcious! Earlier in the week I kept reading the back of a caramel syrup bottle with a recipe for a shake. Let me tell you, I NEVER make shakes. Well my mom went groery shopping today and I saw we had vanilla icecream (again we rarely have that but she bought it for my grandmother). So I wanted to make a shake, with 3-4 scoops of icecream, 3 tablesppons of caramel syrup and 1/4 cup of milk. I just was curious, I wanted to try it. So I just knew when pulling out the icecream my grandma may make a comment. I made my shake, and I had the SMALLEST amount, half of a SMALL cup. I gave the rest to her or my brother, she opted for it.

She said it was good, as I was finishing my little treat, she goes and I QUOTE "see, thats where you get your weight from". I stopped and didnt say a thing. Then I felt pain and hurt all over. I couldn't help myself and I let her have it. I said to her do you not remember when I lived up there for 4 months? I just had a baby 5 months ago, I am sorry I am not skinny or have the band like my sister does. I just took my daughter away and got ready for a walk. I was going to let my walk slide for the day, but after that comment, I had to go out. I knew I couldnt purge it, yet I wanted to, I CANNOT and WILL NOT go back down that path. I felt bad after wards for yelling at her, but I just couldnt believe another comment was hit my way. She then aplogized to me, and said it was a joke.

haha? very funny? um no, I didn't laugh. That was not a joke. So off I went with Sadie on a long fast walk and with some jogging in. I am glad I got it in I felt better after I came back but I was so hurt . especially after I was doing so well and she had to comment. My mom reminded me that my grandma has ALWAYS been like that. But still, it just hurt me. I am trying, I am pretty proud of myself. I have my sweet Sadie, I want her to see good role model behavior, and mommy has to be healthy to take care of her too.


Holly said...

I commend you for how far you've come. I've had some eating issues in the past but nothing I would consider major. I think the worst it got was 2005 b/f I was married. I was away at clinical for 8 months and by myself. I started restricting heavily what I ate til I wasn't eating much at all at meals. I exercised for at least 2 hrs a day. I remember people telling me I looked so thin. It made me feel good. My aunt even said I looked too thin and that made me feel even better.

Your body really changes after children and it's never the same again. Even if im never skinny Minny again or get rid of my mummy tummy I know it'll forever be worth it.

Commenting on someone's weight is never funny or a joke, it can be hurtful. I hope you don't get any more insensitive comments

My life said...

I'm sorry that you have to deal with that and no one should ever make you feel bad about your body. I can relate to body image issues. When I was a teenager I was a model. I didn't have the best body image then, but four children later I really struggle with body image, especially looking back at photos of myself from then. I just have to remind myself that my babies are totally worth it and my body does not define who I am or mean anything about the kind of person I am. I think eating healthy is important and it does make you feel better physically, mentally and emotionally. However, you shouldn't deny yourself the good things in life, like chocolate cake (my particular weakness) It will only add to you stress and ultimately you will be unhappy. I pray that there is a balance in there for you and know that you're not alone, I don't know of any woman who doesn't struggle with their body image.

Lisette said...

So proud of you to take control of your body. I know it is not easy. Your grandma was wrong for saying something like that even if it was a joke. I hope she thinks before she speaks next time. Sending you hugs.

Abigail said...

First of all let me commend you on being so open and honest about your eating issues you have faced in your life!! I know how difficult it is to battle with weight gain after having kids. Do not let anyone or anything interfere with what you have accomplished thus far. I am proud of you & I love that you are trying your very best to go for walks & running w/ Sadie. Keep up your hard work babe

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