Wednesday, February 23, 2011
A is for apple, B is for banana, C is for chocolate? No, youre fat, you can't be eating that.
"Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels".
Yes, when I was 14 years old, until about 19/20, I have dealt with eating disorders. All of them, well the 3 main ones. Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge eating. I thought I was "fat" at 124 lbs and I decided to restrict my caloric intake to about a meer 500 calories a day. I would know and research what I was eating. I belonged to "pro ana" websites and livejournals at the time.I would write down what I ate every day and count the calories. I met girls online who would help me with my sick obsession. It all worked for a while, I lost weight and was feeling pretty happy, yet I really wasn't. I jumped with glee when my family started to notice i was losing weight. I would go all day without eating much, come home from school and drink a few glasses of Diet Green Tea. That was my stuff then. The lowest I ever got was 106 at my small frame of 5'1.
Eventually, I caved in. I began to eat. A little too much because I was just starving. I starved myself for too long I needed to eat. I would get mad at myself and punish myself. Noone suggested it, but I did it. I purged. I did that for a while, but then I started to stop because I got scared. I thought and have read that you can die and choke. I then was stuck. I binged and binged and binged, I ate up all my feelings. My heightest weight ever, was 155 lbs at 5'1. Talk about YUCK. But, I was sick. I would eat a box of chocolate icecream bars (they were my dads) and I had to go to the store to replace them. I ate 5-6 peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches. I ate bread, and icecream, they were my go tos.I started taking out my hurt and anger because I could nOT stop myself from binging EVERY single day. I would do good for part of the day then I would ruin it all and just binge and binge. I would cry because I would not stop. It got to the point where my mom had to put LOCKS on the fridge and cupboards so I could not get into the food anymore. I was sick.
I would cry to my mom as well. She would tell me its okay, tomorrow is another day. I looked at it as, tomorrow is another day I am going to binge. I did this bingeing stuff for over a year. I went from 106 lbs, to 155 lbs. I got distructive at home, I was so upset with myself. I took it out on my family dog. I yelled, I screamed. I was a mess. ALl because of this food, I kept eatng and eating. My dad wanted to kick me out at 17 or so I think, but luckily my uncle and aunt offered to take me in, so off I went to Pennsylvania to live for 4 months during the winter. Then I also had trouble up there and wanted to go back home. But they wouldnt accept me back until a few months. I came back in April.
I still was binging when I got home. I even had an eating disorder therapist, we talked and what not she gave me her tips ands tuff, but it didn't really help. I went to an eating disorder clinic, inpatient, for two weeks. I met a great group of girls, all who had different stories and such sad stories. Eating disorders suck the life out of us all literally. I met and have kept a few friends from then and this September will be 5 years since I was there. I was 140 lbs then and came home and gained 15 more at my heighest.
I then went to a school and I don';t know what happened or came over me but I stopped cold turkey. I started restricting heavily again, and I dropped weight quick. I was on my way to thinville again. But I did not want to start the vicious cycle all over. For about 7 years, I dealt with all of this. It was pure hell.
Today, I am so very happy to say I am very well far from that road again. I remember 2 years ago or so when I was living with my ex, I thought, how great it feels to be able to be in control when I eat, stop when I feel full, not restrict, not over eat. It felt great. I NEVER thought I would get to that point.
Well, my grandmother is visiting, came down for my nephews baptism. We were sitting on the couch a few days ago and she said some comment I cant really remember but she basically said I was fat. It hurt me. Well, I just had a baby five months ago. I can't use that excuse much longer, but I did. I did not gain a LOT of weight, but nor am I super skinny. It takes TIME to get that off, some can get it quicker than others. I, really wasnt watching what I ate, but I never really ate alot these months, but my sweet tooth always got me. I didnt exercise either really besides little walks around the block. Well up when that comment was made, I did some changes.
I cut out eating sweets and breads started exercising more, sometiems even twice a day. Summer is coming up, I will be taking my Sadie to the water park (ohh I cannot wait!) so I must look good, I think! I do not have access to a gym now nor can I afford one, but that is not an excuse. The OUTSIDE IS FREE! I have legs, I have rollerblades, I can make up my own routines and get fit! I know I can. I have 10-15 lbs I would like to lose and stay that way. I am small, so any kind of weight on me you can see! I would like to lose my thighs and some arms and my tummy. My sister did, why can't I? I have my little girl to motivate me, I want to be healthy and set a good example for her.
Well, today, my grandmother made another comment. I was eating well all week, and was very proud of myself and exercising. I had just made myself a wrap with hummus, turkey and cheese that a friend suggested. I was so eager to try it, it was delcious! Earlier in the week I kept reading the back of a caramel syrup bottle with a recipe for a shake. Let me tell you, I NEVER make shakes. Well my mom went groery shopping today and I saw we had vanilla icecream (again we rarely have that but she bought it for my grandmother). So I wanted to make a shake, with 3-4 scoops of icecream, 3 tablesppons of caramel syrup and 1/4 cup of milk. I just was curious, I wanted to try it. So I just knew when pulling out the icecream my grandma may make a comment. I made my shake, and I had the SMALLEST amount, half of a SMALL cup. I gave the rest to her or my brother, she opted for it.
She said it was good, as I was finishing my little treat, she goes and I QUOTE "see, thats where you get your weight from". I stopped and didnt say a thing. Then I felt pain and hurt all over. I couldn't help myself and I let her have it. I said to her do you not remember when I lived up there for 4 months? I just had a baby 5 months ago, I am sorry I am not skinny or have the band like my sister does. I just took my daughter away and got ready for a walk. I was going to let my walk slide for the day, but after that comment, I had to go out. I knew I couldnt purge it, yet I wanted to, I CANNOT and WILL NOT go back down that path. I felt bad after wards for yelling at her, but I just couldnt believe another comment was hit my way. She then aplogized to me, and said it was a joke.
haha? very funny? um no, I didn't laugh. That was not a joke. So off I went with Sadie on a long fast walk and with some jogging in. I am glad I got it in I felt better after I came back but I was so hurt . especially after I was doing so well and she had to comment. My mom reminded me that my grandma has ALWAYS been like that. But still, it just hurt me. I am trying, I am pretty proud of myself. I have my sweet Sadie, I want her to see good role model behavior, and mommy has to be healthy to take care of her too.