Dear Ellen....I am that girl.

As a 24 year old single mommy, living back at her parents house, going on 2.5 years now, I don't have much time for myself, and that is OK. But when I do have time, I love to sit down, for an hour and watch Ellen. Weather I watch it when she is on or when I DVR it. For example, last night I watched 2 episodes of her that I had on the DVR. I don't watch much. Only Ellen and Dr Oz, and the Doctors, and Desperate Housewives. Otherwise, you won't find me sitting down watching tv. Just do not have time for it nor do I care to watch much.

I got into Ellen when I was pregnant with Sadie. After my 4 hospital stays, being stuck in bed, all I had was the TV and eating my meals or visitors to keep me occupied. So I found Ellen. Let me tell you, best find ever. She is absolutely HILARIOUS. I can picture her smile and laugh when she thinks something is just so funny. Makes me smile. Makes me laugh. Makes me cry Im laughing so hard. WHO does not like to laugh? Anyone?? Yeah, thought so. Well after I had Sadie, I continued watching Ellen. I even got my mom into it. My mom laughs so hard too! When you see someone laughing, you cant help but either laugh or smile. Laughter is contagious. I simply LOVE IT.

So as I sat down and watched my episodes of her last night. Ellen had on those ADORABLE British girls, Sophie and Rosie that have made like EIGHT million views on youtube of their singing of Superbass song of Niki M. It is SO freakin cute! She has had them on like three times I want to say already. The words that come out of her mouth and the accent gets me every time. I had a good laugh watching them. Ellen sent them to the VMA's to interview the celebritties. Also sent Rihanna to pay them a visit. You will have to watch that clip to see what I laughed about. Ellen asking them about a "sack of potatoes".

Then the next one had Black Eyed Peas on. I wanted to record that one because I had just went to their "break" concert. They are having a break NOT a break up. That was a pretty good concert! Cee Lo Green was there, TPain (BEST PERFORMANCE! out of them all and big time slot), Jason Derulo (I was dancing with "riding solo"), Sean Kingston, and Queen Latifah also had an appearance! Anyways, and in the middle of the show, Ellen surprised a deserving family.

Ellen is beyond generous. She is so kind. She has something about her you just do not see. Such a happy and energetic and fun person. Too bad I couldnt get to know her in person! Amd you cannot forget she is HILARIOUS! Well after that story, I just sat there and cried. I felt bad for the family, yet happy after what she had gave them. But I also cried, because that very same family, was ME in a nutshell. This family she had on, was from Florida. (Where I am from). The husband and wife have a 9 yr old boy and 11 month old daughter. The husband lost his job, and they had to move in with their mother in law, was only supposed to be for 3 months but has been going on for 3 years. Their car is in very bad shape and was about to be repocessed. The mother had to sell her own kids xbox to get money. They are scraping the car for "loose change". Yes. That is me.

Ellen surprised them with first a stroller and a couple baby supplies AND a years worth of DIAPERS. She also gave them $10,000 in cash. Of course brought out an X box so she can replace the one she had to sell for her son. Ellen told them they were "limited" on the amount of cars they were allowed to give out. Which had surprised me. She told them they werent able to get one so she gave them money to help out. Well turns out, at the end of the show, she surprised them with a brand new 2012 car (forgot the type). The mom was just SO SO very happy. HEck who wouldnt with a brand new car?

Yes, I am that family. Except I am a single mom, living at home, and yes with the help of my parents. and I HATE it. I do not want to live like this anymore. I am going to school to better myself, but sadly, I wont be out of here any time soon. I do not have a car. I used to be driving my parents old raggy van, but not anymore. I am stuck at home. I just cannot get a job right now. Not possible, I cannot afford daycare. I have absolutely no money to my name. I hate not being able to give to my own child. My parents have to help. Its embarassing, its sad, I cry a lot and lately I have. I said to my mom the other day, I cant get presents for my own daughter. After Naomi that was my dream, to have my child and obviously to support him or her. No my parents are. I ran out of the money I once had. Wasn't much due to a situation from my past. No, not drugs, not nothing of the means you could be thinking of. I PROMISE that one.

It is my DREAM, to have my own car one day, my own PLACE to call HOME. I see lots of friends purchasing new homes and decorating it. I am so happy for them but it saddens me a lot. I feel like I will NEVER get there. I do not want to be 30 and still living with my daughter in my parents home. I want to have the simple things in life. I want to be able to pay bills. I want to do it all. One step at a time, rings in my head by Paula DeAnda. I know I can do this, but just with a little help.

I was invited to a dear rainbow mamas birthday party for her son. I had to tell her today I cant go. I dont have a way over there, 2 hours away, nor can I afford a gift. It feel terrible and I am so sad. I love this little family. I simply cannot go.

So yes, after months of having it on my to do list, I have "wrote Ellen". I am asking for help. And again, I HATE IT. I do not and barely ever do I ask for help. But I am simply stuck. I have tried purchasing lotto tickets and scratch offs hoping to win "big". But that obviously was not in my cards. I am at my wits end of what to do. So yes, I am that girl. Will be sending out my letter today. I know it could be worse, I am lucky to have a home, to have food, to have my little clothing that I have and my sweet little girl. But there comes a time when that wont be enough. I simply need help.

I have not forgotten

As today comes to an end, I want to say that I have not forgotten what today is. Today, 10 years ago, as we all know, marks one of the worst days in history. Where were you when word got out? I was at home, "sick" from school, I was in middle school. I remember my dad calling me from work saying to turn on the tv there was a plane that hit some tower. Honestly, I didnt think much of it and I thought, oh that sucks. I eventually turned it on and paid half attention not really knowing what all of it meant. I remember bits and pieces. I rememember my mom coming in from the grocery store with bags, crying. She said "its like a scene from a horror movie". Times 1000.

Last week in school, this woman asked me to help hold up a paper so she can put up with tape. She explained to me that all the 3000+ names of the victims will be written on that paper. Sure enough, they were. I just gasped and teared up. How can one individual do such a thing? I still cant grasp my head around it all. I can't and never will.

My sisters old best friend, used to live across the street. Her mothers ex boyfriend was a 9/11 NYC fire fighter. He survived it all but had to stop working because had very bad smoke inhalation.

The countless of stories I have heard and videos and coverage I have seen. I remember last year I was in the hospital, very pregnant, with Sadie, watching coverage all day of it. It was very emotional. I will never forget. This day 10 years ago has made history. History I so wish we were not apart of.

I am taking a moment of silence for all the victims and their families. Bless you all.

Another face to the BLM community ...:(

So, earlier tonight, I get a message on facebook from a friend from highschool, that knows my story and my loss of Naomi and has been very sweet about it all and supportive.

I didn't expect to hear this heartbreaking news from her. I will post what she had written me:

hey hunny, i hoe you and Sadie bug are doing wonderful! this is a bit random, but we just found out that my cousin, who is 9 months pregnant and due next week, is in the hospital. the doctors cannot find any vitals on her babygirl, and though we are praying and praying for a miracle, we are prepared for the worst. shes going to deliver her tonight, my hearts broken for her becuase shes only 18 this is her first baby and this was soo unexpected...anyway i am reaching out to you in hopes that you might suggest something, anything, like a program for grieving mothers or anything like that? she does not want to talk to anyone or see anyone (understandably) but sometime soon id like to suggest any kind of help to her to get her through in the worst case scenario. thanks in advance, x's and o's to you an your little beauty ♥ .


Oh, I just CRIED when I read this, and I am not even close friends with this girl, nor do I know her cousin. But of course any baby loss, I can relate to it. I, didn't know exactly what to say in response to all of this. So I had to pause for a few, first to get myself together and then to think, where did I go? What advice or what groups did I attend? What links shall I gave to her? I offered to speak to her or go see her, but she is a bit far from where I live, but I offered to definitely talk to her (when she is ready). I got news after that she will be induced tonight. So I ask for prayers for this young girl, her sweet daughter and her family.

I did tell her about the Face of Loss Face of Hope, where she can read (sadly) many stories, maybe some similar to her experience. I just dont want her to be overwelmed with so much information yet I told my friend I will gather information and things to have when she is ready. Oh I can imaagine yet I cant, reaching all the way to the end, and having this tragedy happen. Definitely unexpected news and heart wrenching to hear about.

Mindless Monday!

Today, I watched on tv, along with many others, thousands I am sure, the memorial service of two fallen police officers that lost their lives in the line of duty this past Thursday. They were serving a warrent for an arrest for this guy, who was accused of a homocide. And to elude police officers and get away, he shot them and the one (male) died instantly and the other officer (female) died on the operating table.

Here these officers risk their lives every single day and are protecting our community and idiotic people have to take the lives of these police officers who are just doing their job. It brought me to tears, while the wife of the one offficer was holding hands with her two sons and other son following behind while walking into the building.

And yet, learning of the exact same happenings AGAIN and two other officers killed in another city/county just is horrendous and so tragic. I will keep these families and friends and victims in my prayers & thoughts.

Grief Stricken, badly.

I miss her with every part and soul of my body, it hurts, it hurts all over again like the coming days after my sweet Naomi passed.

Yesterday, my friend Anne came over with her daughter Mia for their first "playdate". Even though Sadie is only 4 months old, and her daughter will be 2 next month, it was nice to see them and catch up on things.

When I was in the hospital after I had Naomi, her and her husband came with Mia, then almsot 3 months old, and brought me a beautiful pink laundary baby basket FILLED with diapers, baby laundary detergent, toys, and all the necessities prob well worth $1o0. I was just so taken back by it all, I will never forget it and still til this day when I see her I think about it.

Well after she left, unknowingly, I felt sad. And well I had plans the following night (today) to go out with my best friend and a few others to karokee, and that had fell through because my mom had a quick change to take my sister and her friends to Busch Gardens because my sisters very good grades. I was upset about that because I had been looking forward to it for this week but then I told myself there will be other days.

I was sitting on my laptop when my mom came home and I was still bothered by it when she had said she would babysit for me, and I NEVER ask to go out or do anything, and this was just one time (besides new years) that I really wanted to go and do. So I was crying a little, overtired and whatnot. I then without looking at her said, "can I have my pictures of Naomi?" She spoke with me asking if I am sure, and went to go get them. She held them in her hands and said are you sure again? She said I can tell you where I keep them and you can go see them when you want or need to.

And let me just say, I have never seen them, these are pictures that were taken after my Naomi died. 18 or so months, I have not seen then but knowing they were around, lately they had been on my mind. So she told me where they were kept, and put them back. As my mom went to bed, I went and got them. I took one look at then (there were two) and I immediately started bawling. My mom told me previously that "its not her Jill" Its not her.

She is all discolored and on her hands were all bruised from the iv lines and everything. And just was there. She was right, did not look like her. It wasn't her. That was not the sweet baby girl I grew to know for 35 days here , yet 8 short months in mommy's tummy. And I just held them and cried and cried.

I went to bed with a heavy heart. I couldnt sleep at first and I went into the kitchen and here Naomi's video was playing. I went up close to it on the computer screen and watched as she would barely open her eyes and watched her little mouth and her tongue move with that stupid iv down her, I was able to only catch 45 secoonds and I had to press a key on the computer to stop it (the screensaver is a collection of ALL the pictures and videos in the computer and just so happens her video was playing) A sign? I think so.

Well this morning, I woke up grief stricken. Badly. my stomach hurt, felt so heavy and so did my heart. Yes I have my beautiful Sadies with me, and to love and to hold and to kiss and to help fill my void, but I was just missing Naomi SO much and have all day today since last night.

I was browsing blogs today and came across a friends blog and on hers I clicked onto another. This mother happened to have a baby bornstill, on 4/27/2010. A year ago from Naomi's birthday. I thought there is another sign. Yet I still felt so horrible for these parents . I know their pain all too well.

I feel like I should be doing more for my Naomi and all the other babies passed, So many mommies and daddies do. They create funds or things in name of their babies or go on to create groups to help grieving families, or make babies names in neat forms. And I don't or haven't done anything, I feel. I dod do the March of Dimes last year, but I feel i need to do ALOT more. I don't know what, but I want to search within myself and figure it out. I want to do more, i want to stop all of this from happening WAY too many times. Too many.

Maybe I can create something for grieving parents and families or sisters and brothers? I am not very creative, but I have to use my brain and think. I must do more. I must.

I miss my little sweet Naomi. I miss her so much today. I always do. I dont think people truely understand my pain, unless they have been through it. Today, I read and other days, how some friends cannot wait or are rushing the birth of their babies because they are "sick" or "bothered" by being pregnant. It kills me, I want to go off on them, but I don't because I feel like everyone else will attack me.

If only they knew what I went through and STILL live with every single day of my life. It wont go away. I will ALWAYS live with the fact I do not have my firstborn with me. The fact I will never hear her say Mommy, never see her smile, never see her go off to school, never see her get married, or have kids, all those milestones. I only can TRY and imagine what it would be like, yet I don't even think I can do that.

Each and every day I come across more and more stories of loss, of parents and mommies losing their babies and it just BREAKS MY HEART every single time. I cry and cry at every single story. And I feel my grief all over again. I wish I can do more, so much more. In time, I think I will be able to do alot. I just need to get there.

I miss you Naomi Hope Marish. Not a day goes by that I never think of you. I look at your little siter and I see alot of you in her, and I think you would have grown up to look like her. I really believe so. I thank you for sending your sweet sister to me. One day, we will all be reunited again. Love you baby girl always & forever.