Friday, February 11, 2011
and getcha, getcha, getcha! Those are the words playing in my head right now. I swear, I can't get things out of my head. I feel like, I have been through the worst possible thing anyone can go through, losing their child. Yet, I always hear that "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle.". Really? I am not so sure I believe it just yet.
Sadie is here with me, after 4 hospital stays, and 298383 times taking my bp, googling this and that, and fears way beyond my control. She is here. But, doesn't mean God won't take her away from me too. Shit happens. I am beyond TERRIFIED something will happen to her. I can name the countless of ways that are in my head, but I better not, I am not ready for more waterworks tonight.
Earlier today, I had Sadie in the playpen with her toys and the danglily things from above that she is now learning to reach for and play with and toss up those oh so cute feetsies to grab! (Yes! TODAY SHE FOUND HER FEET AND WAS PLAYING WITH THEM, TOO CUTE!) (And I just LOVE the way she marlves at her little hands. Earlier tonight before bed, my mom was holding her and she put her hands in front of her face and just gave an odd type stare at them, we both laughed. Too cute to see her expressions, I sure wish I could be that amazed with my hands! Oh the imagination and all the things for a baby to see and learn!). Back to my story! I had Sadie in her playpen while I was doing some things on the computer and in eyesight of her, she was in playpen didn't think anything could happen.
I was on the phone with a friend who we are doing the March of Dimes walk this year together, and so I was trying to help her figure out how to put a photo on her page of her baby boy. I happened to hear this like almost like coughing/gagging noise and I thought oh maybe she was just coughing but when I realize it I jumped up off the chair and ran over to her. There is this dragonfly (a soft plush one) hanging from the overhang, along with her toys that she plays with, and the long tail of it was almsot halfway down her throat! She somehow got it like that, I quickly pulled it out, and picked her up. I was panicking althought I looked at her she was breathing, not gasping for air or anything but her eyes are all almost red and teary eyed.
Oh I just hugged her and said you scared your mama. my mom asked me what happened because she heard me freaking out and I told her. She took it off and threw it in the trash. I was so freaked out about that. I always am checking on her whevere I have her and most of the time she is with me in my arms and I continue t oget things done around the house. I just panic. Can you blame me?
So, backtrack, 2-3 weeks after she was born, I had that scare and had to take her to the ER after her pediatrition suggested I do so just to check her out and be on the safe side. Thank the lord everything turned out to be okay, but gosh. Strike 1, Strike 2 (earlier today) do I have one more strike!?!?
I am scared out of my mind. Honest to God, if anything happens to her, I will go with her. I will not live through another loss. I will not and cannot do it. I can't "beg God" not to take her from me. Thats what I was doing in the back of the NICU at 4am June 1, 2009. That did nothing. SO yeah, I am still struggling alot with my belief, but thats a whole another story.
I just know of so much bad in this world, I think about it, probably too much, I just do not want ANYTHING to happen to my baby girl.