South Florida's First Annual Promise Walk for Preeclampsia!!!

Proteinuria, High blood pressure, sudden weight gain, blurred vision/changed vision, headaches, nausea are all signs of Preeclampsia. Some, are even *normal* symptoms of pregnancy. But, to a degree, they aren't. The Preeclampsia Foundation's motto is "Know the Symptoms, Trust Yourself".Boy do I wish I spoke up more or insisted they test or do something during my pregnancy with Naomi. For a good part of my pregnancy, I knew someting wasn't right. I couldn't pinpoint it I just had that "mothers gut". I remember when I was pregnat with Naomi, I started swelling on my ankles, feet and hands early on. I told my OB about it and she said "oh thats normal". To hell it was not. I was small, I didn't have really any "pregnant belly" for a while, actually not until my "end" did I start to show. I remember reading in the books that every doctors appointment they would measure your belly. Well, mine never did. She always said I have nothing to measure, well I wonder why. Naomi had IUGR (inauterine growth restriction). If she had done some poking and proding and maybe sent me for more testing, maybe they would have caught something? Who knows.But I will always wonder.

I just remember feeling AWFUL the night before my 28 week appointment. I was at my brother's baseball game and I left right after the game ended. I remember at my doctors appointment, they did an ultrasound and saw I had a short cervix and everyone was going haywire, but then decided they couldnt stitch me because of how far I was already. Then, from my urine dip, I had a 2+ of protein. I had no idea what that meant, but was sent later that day to a perinatoligst where he did an ultrasound and explained the reverse bloodflow from the placenta, Naomi's size, (IUGR), and mentioned Preeclampsia. I still didnt understand or get how serious it was, but I was admitted from there to the hospital. Thats when I stayed from Friday night, they did lab work and a 24 hr urine over the weekend and they were talking as if I wasn't going to be pregnant much longer, due to me being quite sick. Well, come Monday morning, my protein was up from 2+ on Friday, to 6+. And the cutoff is 5+. Well, I was sent for a c section STAT that morning and thats when I had my baby girl Naomi.

Preeclampsia. That word is forever the devil to me. Whenever I see pregnant woman, I think, will they develop it? I tell my friends, watch out, take your bp, watch your weight gain. I have one friend in paticular, she is 19 weeks, and she had a blood clotting disorder, and she knows she is a higher risk for developing preeclampsia. So I have been trying to remind her, yet not scare her, about the signs and what not. I just hate it. I hate it all. But, upon discovering the Preeclampsia Foundation website, I started posting on the forums a bit after Naomi passed away. I have "met" and came close with so many wonderful amazing woman, who get it. (Unfornately). They are all so kind and I have learned more than I knew then, which was nothing. I have even met two woman from there,(one is local and the other is a few hours away) through loss, it breaks my heart. But, I am glad we have found each other and are able to understand and come together in times.

A friend from there, happened to ask me on facebook a while back if I was attending the Promise Walk in my area. I thought, I had no idea there was one. So I did some googling and I found that it was right at my local water park!! I had participated in a huge team event and was a team Captain for the March of Dimes this year, and well I didnt feel right asking for money for them and for this, but I decided I will sign up and be a walker this year for the walk and next year I will for sure go all out and gather a huge team. I want to get awareness and inform others and have the Promise Walk be everywhere just as the March of Dimes is widely known. They say that it happens in 5-8% of pregnancies, but I just feel like its more common then they say.

So well, I happened to tell just one friend about it, her and I used to be quite close in 9th grade in highschool, and she said shed like to walk with Sadie and I. So we both registered and she came to my house this morning and we took baby Sadie and went. It was a small group, maybe about 30-40 of us all, but non the less, it only takes ONE, to start something. And it being South Floridas first walk, I think they did well! We got our tshirts and they had a DJ, and fruit and cereal bars to munch on and water. I thought was GREAT, because usually they have junk at these type of events. They had a few speakers, and two girls share their stories. I cried. The one sweet woman, happened to have lost her daughter at 29 weeks, stillborn, to severe preeclampsia 12 years ago. Imeediately the tears started to fall. I just couldn't help it. Because, well, my loss is still very close with me, and it stays with you forever. She then said she went on to have her son, at 35 weeks and he did spend a few days in nicu, but is alive and well today and I think was 9 years old.

There was a young girl, maybe my age, and shared her story. She said she was nervous, I could tell in her voice, but she lost her baby at 21 years old, at 25 weeks as well. Tears fell for her too. It just breaks my heart. After the speakers spoke and we were waiting to walk, I went up to the woman who lost her daughter 29 weeks and just hugged her and told her about my story briefly and we spoke. Then after, a mama came up to me and told me how sweet Sadie was. She asked if I was at the March of Dimes, I said yes and she said she was the one emailing all of us with things. I said, my team was Spider's Hope. She goes OHH!!! She knew us, because we were the biggest team, of 67 people. Just felt nice to see another face supporting a good cause.

The walk began, it was a small walk, I would have liked to walk longer, but its okay, They had a DJ rooting us on.

We each got a I KEPT MY PROMISE necklace type thing. My Sadiekind kind of destroyed it with her baby drool. But, we DID IT! It felt good to come out and support this cause, yet it made me sad, all of the mommies and families who have to go through this and go through a loss it is just beyond heart wrenching, I cant explain it. But I will for sure make a big team next year and go all out. I am proud. This is for Naomi Hope and all the mommies and babies born too soon and lost.

I hope one day, there will be better testing, more management and care and one day, ONE DAY A CURE FOR PREECLAMPSIA! I know that there are LOTS of walks going on today around the Nation so I hope everyones walks went well and THANK YOU for supporting us all!

*Naomi Hope, Benji Spider, Cara Angel, Nolan, Mikey* we miss you and love you all very much.

ABC & POSITIVITY

I am ready, finally ready to do something about school. For so long, I had been nervous about it and still not wanting to really go back, until about a few short weeks ago. The more I think about it, I am anxious to get things started. BUT, I have a few obstacles I need to figure out that have been on my mind.

A week or two ago, I did go take the TAPE test at a local technical school and I still am needing to go and get my results for them. I need to give the school a call tomorrow morning and get on it. I cannot let that pass without me doing so. I will then go in and talke with a guidance couselor. I am hoping they may be of some help, but yet I just worry and think they will not care and I will be on my own in this.

A few days ago, when I was watching my nephew, my sister called me to see how things were going (um, I am supermom, no need to worry! :) and I said good. We are usually quick to hang up because I just don't ever have much to say to her on the phone, but she ended up asking me about school. (I assume she saw it from on facebook). I said to her briefly I went in and did what I had to do I am just waiting now to get results. She apparently was speaking to our mom and said that both of them think I will not be able to do school or work until Sadie is in school. WHAT!?!?!? I then got off the phone with her and just CRIED. I thought how am I ever going to get out of my parents house? How will I ever meet a guy? How will I ever go on to support my little girl!? My mind was swirling with all these thoughts and questions.

I thought, great. So my dad is pushing me to go and start the things for school, yet my mom and sister think otherwise I cant do it. Thats REAL nice. I know I do not have the money for daycare or to have someone watch Sadie. I KNOW THAT. I do not know what my dad was thinking otherwise. He did tell me to get the ball on the road with school and stuff. So now what am I supposed to do? Today I briefly spoke to my mom about it in the kitchen. I told her, for now, my only option maybe is online schooling? But she told me that is very expensive. NOW WHAT!?

What am I supposed to do? I have like no money for school. Yes there are loans and all that, but seriously, I know NOTHING about how all that works. I don;t even know exactly what I wanna do for school yet either. I had forever wanted to be a teacher, my heart belongs with the kids and that is the only thing I am good at, or so I think. But being in the hospital all these times with Sadie & Naomi, I was watching the OB nurses, and even ultrasound techs and I am very interested in doing something like that. There is always a demand for nurses, right!? But I do not know if I could really do all of that work? I never thought of myself as smart. But yet, I never really put my all into it.

My mom just went back to school and graduated when I was pregnant with Naomi and became a RN. I am so proud of her and she works at the hospital where I delivered Sadie. She has all the books in her room, I have seen them, never cracked them open, I think I would be frigthened. But, I really want to do something for once, I want to be proud of myself, I want to make Sadie proud,I want to make Naomi proud. I want to be able to say I DID IT! So many friends of mine are going back to school and I want to be one of them, so many of them have kids as well, if they can, why can't I?

I have two beautiful girls, I have to do this for.

I just am at a loss of where to go or what to do. I would love to help mommies like I, and be an OB nurse, or I had even seen the ultrasound techs (lord knows I had a LOT of those every few days!) I found it all very interesting. Seeing students come in and be with them, it def caught my eyes. I said to myself once my grandma leaves (she left tonight back to Philly) I will sit down with my parents and discuss things or ideas.

I am scared but yet its a reality and I HAVE to do it. I WANT to do it for once. I am 23, almost 24, in August. Time will NOT stop for me. I know my friends and family will all be there to help me along and support me. They have up and til now, why would they stop now? I want to start planning out my future, our future, Sadie's and mommies future. I see great things ahead!

Thinking about the F.U.T.U.R.E scares me & then some!

** did not tend for this to be all over the place, BUT it helped, get it all out, and ease my mind, just a tad** :)

My sweet Sadie bug surpringly did not cause much trouble for mommy tonight and went to bed pretty easily at 8 pm, I was surprised. Has been down since and it is going on 10:30.

I did my catch up on "facebook" and blogs and I decided..its time. I came over to where I am sitting now and opened my TABE test booklet to see what it was. The other day, I went to Mcfatter, a technical school, to finally go and pay and sign up to take a test, to see what I will need to work on. I had put it away in the back of my mind for far too long and now it was time. I am beyond scared out of my mind to start any type of schooling again, well regular schooling. It has been since 2006, that I have been in school, and, I left school for that matter. I could not really take the whole classroom setting, was shy, but from middle school & now, I have COME A LONG WAY! :)

I always thought, what idiot would go all the way through highschool, in their SENIOR year, and just go out and leave!? Well, that idiot, turned out to be ME. :(. I always look at my 15 yr old sister, and I am not embarassed to admit, but I am jealous of her.Out of my two sisters, she is headed the RIGHT way. She is going to go off to college, she is going to get her own car. Heck I am 23, and I am driving around my parents dare I say it, minivan. I am the soccer mom minivan. Hey, but its a car, it drives, gets me places. I am VERY lucky to have my parents and for them to have bent over backwards YET again so help their daughter. I would do the same. I wish I can turn back time sometimes and do it all over again. But if I did, I wouldn't have my sweet Sadie here with me.

I am not proud of myself one bit, but I can say, I am proud of myself now, from where I become. I got my GED a few months after Naomi passed away. September 11 2009 actually I recieved it. So I have that, and can take that with me to start school.I should have started school a couple months after losing Naomi. But I didn't. I lost my job as a nanny, they just had to let me go, they needed a replacement, and I do not think I could have been back there knowing I was going to take Naomi back with them anyways. I just lingered in bed for months and months, with depression not doing a thing. I could have had gotten a little job, or started one class. I just could not bring myself to do anything.

**side note** I was making pretty good money for not even having my GED then and being a nanny.(Lets say $500 a week) I loved it, I LOVE KIDS. LOVE THEM. They are my world. I worked Monday thru Fri 8am to 6pm, weekends off, had the best job then! (now I say the best job is parenting!) I did NOT (cringe) save a SINGLE penny from that job. And that was my main job for almsot 18 months. I would not be back living at home if I had saved some of that. I spent it . I spent alot of it in my "marriage" (that can be another post some other time), spent money on our dinners, took my sister out and her friends and got them alot of things, always said "i got the check" at dinners with my friends, thinking I had all the money in the world. I didn't. I would get my hair and nails done, and buy clothing. I was NEVER one to know how to budget my money. And I STILL am having trouble. I need help on that. So that is why I am at home, I basically have maybe 2-3 grand from my taxes and that is it. I think HOW in the WORLD am I ever going to get out of here, get my own car and all of these things? I Want to SO badly buy my little girl clothing, and toys and books and all of that. My little girl has MORE of a wardrobe then her mommy does. I laugh at that. I so badly need new clothing. Just a few outfits. But I am dealing with the little clothes I got, I happened to throw out a lot of them. For unknown reasons. I need makeup. I need shoes. But I DEAL with what I got. More importantly, I worry my little girl has all that she needs. Mommy comes 2nd.Its all on my "to do list" but that can wait.:)My parents are helping out with that. It hurts, I cry about it. But I am the only one that can step it up from here. I have a LONG way to go, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get out of this "financial hole" I am in. **

But I can't say "should have or could have or would have". Its in the PAST. Its done already. Ah, I am changing off subject a bit here, SORRY! The main thing that has been on my mind now is SCHOOl. School. Those 6 very letters just scare me. Yet I KNOW I have to get going now. I have my little one, to support. And I do not, as a 23 year old, want to live with my parents forever. Yet I am scared too, to venture out on my own yet again but with my daughter. I so badly want to make it. I am so thankful for my parents supporting me, espcially after all these years, I have put them through alot.

So, I sat down (as from the beginning of what I was trying to say) and I did the sample testing in the booklet. I managed 24/28 correct. Not bad ey? MATH is the killer. Always has been. I have a test scheduled for Tuesday bright and early at 8 am. I am nervous. Will I bet with students? Nerves are starting as I even type this too. I am going to be okay though. Why? I have an angel, cheering her mommy on, and a beautiful daughter at home that I have to do this for. For both my girls. I want to SO badly make them proud.

I just don't know where Sadie will go after when I go to school and IF I even go to that school. I partly want to find something online that I can do from home, so I can watch her too. I have been with her 24/7 since she was born, the thought of me having to part her makes me sad, but I know I will be able to see her right after. I don't know who would watch her or where the money would come from , but my parents have said they will figure it out. I love them so much, I don't know where I would be without them.

Now, I do not even know what I want to do. CALL ME SCATTERBRAIN. As you can tell my mind is a thousand places all at once. I had always wanted to be a teacher. From the very young age, I have LOVED children. Would play teacher in my room and have my stuffed animals as my "students". Would write on the dry erase board & "talk" to my class. But, that is 4 years of schooling and now, I do not know where the salary lies. I need something within 2 years I would say and something with $$$. Before, I never ever was one for looking at the big pay. But now, NOW I need to. I am a single mother, and I need to be able to support my daughter. It is NOT going to be easy, but so many do it. I can too.

With all of my recent hospital stays with both of my pregnancies, especially with Sadie, I have taken into condieration possibly, dare I say it, being a nurse. A nurse that works with pregnant woman. I have always been a helper & been kind at heart. But, the schooling, the amount of studying, I don't know. I was never a studier. I saw my mom go through it all. She graduated when I was pregnant with Naomi. I remember crying watching her walk, I was so emotional (of course!). She went back to school and did all of this. Studied non stop. Hours and hours and hours. She was one of the top students in her class. GO MOM! She has all of the books in her room, TONS of them. And she would be of so much help I am sure, but I don't even know if I can do it. Id like to think I can?

Maybe an ultrasound tech I thought about too? It looked neat. But then again, I just don't know. Plus, I am afraid, if I tell my mom and dad if thats what I want to do, I feel like they may think I am not capable of it. I am NOT the smartest cookie there is. But, I never really applied myself. So maybe I am smarter than I think?

I just KNOW I've got to do something. I've got to do it for both of my girls, Naomi & Sadie. It's not going to be easy, not one bit, but I've got so many pushing for me and willing to help and root me on. I want to be able to say I DID IT!