Dear Ellen....I am that girl.

As a 24 year old single mommy, living back at her parents house, going on 2.5 years now, I don't have much time for myself, and that is OK. But when I do have time, I love to sit down, for an hour and watch Ellen. Weather I watch it when she is on or when I DVR it. For example, last night I watched 2 episodes of her that I had on the DVR. I don't watch much. Only Ellen and Dr Oz, and the Doctors, and Desperate Housewives. Otherwise, you won't find me sitting down watching tv. Just do not have time for it nor do I care to watch much.

I got into Ellen when I was pregnant with Sadie. After my 4 hospital stays, being stuck in bed, all I had was the TV and eating my meals or visitors to keep me occupied. So I found Ellen. Let me tell you, best find ever. She is absolutely HILARIOUS. I can picture her smile and laugh when she thinks something is just so funny. Makes me smile. Makes me laugh. Makes me cry Im laughing so hard. WHO does not like to laugh? Anyone?? Yeah, thought so. Well after I had Sadie, I continued watching Ellen. I even got my mom into it. My mom laughs so hard too! When you see someone laughing, you cant help but either laugh or smile. Laughter is contagious. I simply LOVE IT.

So as I sat down and watched my episodes of her last night. Ellen had on those ADORABLE British girls, Sophie and Rosie that have made like EIGHT million views on youtube of their singing of Superbass song of Niki M. It is SO freakin cute! She has had them on like three times I want to say already. The words that come out of her mouth and the accent gets me every time. I had a good laugh watching them. Ellen sent them to the VMA's to interview the celebritties. Also sent Rihanna to pay them a visit. You will have to watch that clip to see what I laughed about. Ellen asking them about a "sack of potatoes".

Then the next one had Black Eyed Peas on. I wanted to record that one because I had just went to their "break" concert. They are having a break NOT a break up. That was a pretty good concert! Cee Lo Green was there, TPain (BEST PERFORMANCE! out of them all and big time slot), Jason Derulo (I was dancing with "riding solo"), Sean Kingston, and Queen Latifah also had an appearance! Anyways, and in the middle of the show, Ellen surprised a deserving family.

Ellen is beyond generous. She is so kind. She has something about her you just do not see. Such a happy and energetic and fun person. Too bad I couldnt get to know her in person! Amd you cannot forget she is HILARIOUS! Well after that story, I just sat there and cried. I felt bad for the family, yet happy after what she had gave them. But I also cried, because that very same family, was ME in a nutshell. This family she had on, was from Florida. (Where I am from). The husband and wife have a 9 yr old boy and 11 month old daughter. The husband lost his job, and they had to move in with their mother in law, was only supposed to be for 3 months but has been going on for 3 years. Their car is in very bad shape and was about to be repocessed. The mother had to sell her own kids xbox to get money. They are scraping the car for "loose change". Yes. That is me.

Ellen surprised them with first a stroller and a couple baby supplies AND a years worth of DIAPERS. She also gave them $10,000 in cash. Of course brought out an X box so she can replace the one she had to sell for her son. Ellen told them they were "limited" on the amount of cars they were allowed to give out. Which had surprised me. She told them they werent able to get one so she gave them money to help out. Well turns out, at the end of the show, she surprised them with a brand new 2012 car (forgot the type). The mom was just SO SO very happy. HEck who wouldnt with a brand new car?

Yes, I am that family. Except I am a single mom, living at home, and yes with the help of my parents. and I HATE it. I do not want to live like this anymore. I am going to school to better myself, but sadly, I wont be out of here any time soon. I do not have a car. I used to be driving my parents old raggy van, but not anymore. I am stuck at home. I just cannot get a job right now. Not possible, I cannot afford daycare. I have absolutely no money to my name. I hate not being able to give to my own child. My parents have to help. Its embarassing, its sad, I cry a lot and lately I have. I said to my mom the other day, I cant get presents for my own daughter. After Naomi that was my dream, to have my child and obviously to support him or her. No my parents are. I ran out of the money I once had. Wasn't much due to a situation from my past. No, not drugs, not nothing of the means you could be thinking of. I PROMISE that one.

It is my DREAM, to have my own car one day, my own PLACE to call HOME. I see lots of friends purchasing new homes and decorating it. I am so happy for them but it saddens me a lot. I feel like I will NEVER get there. I do not want to be 30 and still living with my daughter in my parents home. I want to have the simple things in life. I want to be able to pay bills. I want to do it all. One step at a time, rings in my head by Paula DeAnda. I know I can do this, but just with a little help.

I was invited to a dear rainbow mamas birthday party for her son. I had to tell her today I cant go. I dont have a way over there, 2 hours away, nor can I afford a gift. It feel terrible and I am so sad. I love this little family. I simply cannot go.

So yes, after months of having it on my to do list, I have "wrote Ellen". I am asking for help. And again, I HATE IT. I do not and barely ever do I ask for help. But I am simply stuck. I have tried purchasing lotto tickets and scratch offs hoping to win "big". But that obviously was not in my cards. I am at my wits end of what to do. So yes, I am that girl. Will be sending out my letter today. I know it could be worse, I am lucky to have a home, to have food, to have my little clothing that I have and my sweet little girl. But there comes a time when that wont be enough. I simply need help.

LOL Smiley Face....eh not so much

I don't know what came over me but I am sad. I feel down. Yet, I should be the happiest girl in the world. I have my sweet Sadie here with me. Don't get me wrong I am SO very thankful and happy she is here with me.

I wanna take a guess at where it all came from all of a sudden. I guess I feel like I should be doing more. Every day seems like the same old day and routine pretty much. I just feel blah. I feel like I should be doing more, A LOT more. Every day, I get up with Sadie, go for our walks, watch tv sometimes, visit a friend or two, go to the mall and explore and what not. I'll do laundary and dishes, help around the house, do some cleaning. Something is just missing.

I need a plan, I need to plan for our future. Me not knowing what to do or where to go, is getting me down, big time. I need to fix this.

My mom got off the phone with my sister before I was leaving to go out to finish an art piece that I didn't get to finish 2 weeks ago so she said she would take baby Sadie for an hr or two so I can finish it. Looks like, my sister will be needing my help. Supermom will be back in action. I used to watch my nephew once a week for the day. But now, it looks like it will be 5 times a week, Monday through Friday, from 9 to 3. She needs help. She isn't on her own, she is married, is not living at home, and is 22. She also has THREE crazy dogs. She has never been one for chldren, but started a family of her own and needs the extra help. It is a bit too much for her, and I understand. She always is telling me she doesnt know how I do it all by myself. Makes me proud, but I have had so much experience since the age of like 12, and it just comes natural to me. I was a nanny for 2, 11 months apart, baby and toddler. I know it all pretty much.

So I can do it. It will help her out and help me out as well. But, what got to me is, the pay. My mom told me she is offering $125 a WEEK for this. Um, slavery much? And she HAS the money. She has it. I don't. So I guess that kind of got me mad and upset, when she should know how much I am struggling with money. I asked my mom, well wait, what about school. (My mom and I spoke a little bit on our walk this morning about school, she suggested doing hair maybe, or she looked up medical assisting, that was some online some in school, she said that she could work her work schedule around and watch Sadie for me when I went in). My mom said well, when school comes around, she will have to find some other arrangement for Jimmy.

I shouldn't complain about the amount, especially because he is a pretty easy baby, but I need money. I have always been a helper, and its made me happy to help others. So I should be and am greatful. Especially because I am wanting to get Sadie's professional pictures done , and I will have some money to put down for the appointment . I just have been doing alot of thinking about the past and wish I hadn't spent all of my hard earned money when I was a nanny. IF I HADNT, I WOULDNT BE IN THIS POSITION. I would be on my own in my own place, possibly have my own car. But I cannot go back. But I do alot, I just wasted all of that money down the drain. Now I have got to work my way back up. I just think of it all at once. I a 23 , still do not have my own car, I want to SO badly be able to pay my own bills (when I have them), pay for insurance, pay for gas, pay for my little girls things and toys and clothing, I want to do it all. I AM SUPERMOM FOR GOODNESS SAKES. I CAN DO THIS.

Well I even just got a phone call while typing this from my mom, she has Sadie and my sister, they will be on their way back from walmart. I will be watching my nephew tomorrow from 9 to 3. My sister NEEDS THAT BREAK. Me? I don't. I got it. I love being with Sadie. My break is pretty much at night when she goes down. I just have to realize I am doing a huge favor for my sister and helpin gher. I just wish she would contact me more to say how am I doing, then just to ask if I can babysit? I think I am more than that.

Sorry about the rambling but I am just hurting now. My 15 yr old sister was holding Sadie today and said how its sad she doesnt have a father. I think that is on my mind too. That is a whole nother post, I may not even post on that because of certain things, but it is hard. Looking at her, I think about that alot. But, he isnt in her life for a VERY GOOD YET SAD AND SICK REASON. I am keeping my daughter safe. I owe her that.

I think alot, how will I ever meet a good guy and possibly father figure for her if I am stuck living at home and barely go out really to meet anyone? But first thought comes to mind, is I have to get ME BACK ON TRACK FIRST. I have to get going in school, I have to worry about my Sadie and I first. The time will come hopefully, when I will be able to meet a guy. I just wish I was given the right path to take, what to go to school for, how to do this and that. Life is hard. I have to figure it out, I feel all on my own. But I have my wonderful family and few close friends and few friends from afar that I know are there 100% and backing me up. I appreciate it so much.

I can and will get there some day. I look at all my friends that are married, have or are renting houses, have babies on the way or already do, NOONE has it perfect. NOONE does. Even tho some may seem like they do, they dont. I have to remember that. I just seem like I want to have it all, because I havent for so long. But, in all honesty, I do. I have Sadie. I just want to be something, I want to be someone, I want to make MORE of myself than ever before. It will NOT be easy. I won't be on facebook chatting and checking up on people like I do now. I will be busy, very busy, I want that. I want to work on building my life, my future for Sadie & I.

I will sit down this weekend and really read on career ideas. I am thinking about what my mother suggested. She thinks I would like medical assisting. That way, I could get my foot somewhat in the door in the medical field. I could work with the kids she suggested or in pediatrics since I LOVE kids. Then, I figure, maybe by the time Sadie is in school, I can then think about returning back to school to go for nursing. I would love to be able to do it, but I just do not know if I have the brains for it all. I guess I dont know until I try? I also thought of the hair school, I dont know much about doing hair, but it would be SO neat to learn it. Who knows. I am praying that someone, maybe Naomi, can send me a sign, of the career path I should choose.

This blog is all ramble jamble, but my mind is always on school/work now and bettering my life for Sadie (money and school wise). Its been time way long ago. I aplogize for the unorganized mess this is. Just needed to write, because I did some crying tonight. Writing surely does help!

March of Dimes & The Doctor...

Purple. Walking. Awareness. Prematurity. March. April. Spring. Family. Friends. Babies. Support. Money. All these words comes to mind when I think of March of Dimes. It's getting to be that time again! I am signed up and registered, 2nd year in a row, to walk in memmory of Naomi and a friend I have spoken with through the preeclampsia foundation. She and I have spoken alot, have not "met" yet but we will be to help and prepare for for the walk. She lost her sweet son Benji Spider, born prematurely due to preeclampsia as well. She offered for us to be a team together and I JUMPED at the chance. Such a sweet woman, and I am glad we are going to be able to do this together. Our walk date is April 30th. Last year I walked, and I was a few months pregnant with her sweet sister Sadie, I did the 3 miles and did stay hydrayted. I wanted to do so. This year, her sister will be coming along as well as many of my friends and family to support us in this. I am excited.

It also falls around what would be Naomi's 2nd birthday. So I will always walk every year in memmory and honor of her & do something special, make cupcakes for her and donate toys or clothing in her name. I am trying to send out info, every where possible, to help raise awareness for prematurity.

Our team name is Spider's Hope. My friend Holly came up with it, both of our babies middle names together. I think it goes really well and keeps both of them in our team name too. http://www.marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?si=E9805160-953F-446D-846A-6150C3761725&u=NaomiSadie916. I included the link as well if you would like to donate. Every dollar amount is GREATLY appreciated. THANK YOU!


A day ago, I came across this picture, with this doctor on my friends facebook page. (I kindly messaged her asking if I can use it, and she said of course, for on my blog, so THANK YOU!, I explained how I always talk about Naomi and just need to get htings off my chest here in my blog, it helps). She had this wonderful doctor throughout her pregnancy.

Who is he you ask? Well he is one of the doctors in my old ob's practice, that I did not have. I have this female ob, which I strongly regret, but who was I to know things would go the way they did? She did not listen to me one bit. I KNEW MY BODY, I read things in the books, it just didn't seem right. Anyways, when I was admitted into the hospital that weekend, she was gone on vacation. And this amazing doctor, came in the morning of April 27, 2009, and explained who he was, Dr Jay Cohen (quite handsome might I add) and that he was another doctor on the team and was going to perform my emergency c section with Naomi.

When I saw this picture, I forgot she had it. And I froze. His face, him, brings back so many memories. He was such a caring and sweet doctor. I remember him talking to me throughout surgery and I couldn't figure out why, but it was just to make sure I was still there and alert and okay. The radio was playing, he was singing to the music, as "Home" by Chris Daughtry came on. We all know how I feel about that song, as Naomi was born into this world.

He kissed me on my forehead and said what a great job I did. He was all in all a great doctor, even tho I never before really seen him, I will FOREVER remember this man. I just see his face, and AUTOMATICALLY, remember the OR table and him, and everything. Naomi, I miss you and love you so much. There is not a day that I do not think about your or miss you. I see you in your little sister, she reminds me of you, she reminds me that you are not here, but she puts smiles on my face. When you're sister cries, I sometimes come out in the kitchen and there you are in a video or picture, and I swear, I feel as if you are coming to "check up" and say "its okay sissy". I will love you, forever and my baby youll be.

Thinking about the F.U.T.U.R.E scares me & then some!

** did not tend for this to be all over the place, BUT it helped, get it all out, and ease my mind, just a tad** :)

My sweet Sadie bug surpringly did not cause much trouble for mommy tonight and went to bed pretty easily at 8 pm, I was surprised. Has been down since and it is going on 10:30.

I did my catch up on "facebook" and blogs and I decided..its time. I came over to where I am sitting now and opened my TABE test booklet to see what it was. The other day, I went to Mcfatter, a technical school, to finally go and pay and sign up to take a test, to see what I will need to work on. I had put it away in the back of my mind for far too long and now it was time. I am beyond scared out of my mind to start any type of schooling again, well regular schooling. It has been since 2006, that I have been in school, and, I left school for that matter. I could not really take the whole classroom setting, was shy, but from middle school & now, I have COME A LONG WAY! :)

I always thought, what idiot would go all the way through highschool, in their SENIOR year, and just go out and leave!? Well, that idiot, turned out to be ME. :(. I always look at my 15 yr old sister, and I am not embarassed to admit, but I am jealous of her.Out of my two sisters, she is headed the RIGHT way. She is going to go off to college, she is going to get her own car. Heck I am 23, and I am driving around my parents dare I say it, minivan. I am the soccer mom minivan. Hey, but its a car, it drives, gets me places. I am VERY lucky to have my parents and for them to have bent over backwards YET again so help their daughter. I would do the same. I wish I can turn back time sometimes and do it all over again. But if I did, I wouldn't have my sweet Sadie here with me.

I am not proud of myself one bit, but I can say, I am proud of myself now, from where I become. I got my GED a few months after Naomi passed away. September 11 2009 actually I recieved it. So I have that, and can take that with me to start school.I should have started school a couple months after losing Naomi. But I didn't. I lost my job as a nanny, they just had to let me go, they needed a replacement, and I do not think I could have been back there knowing I was going to take Naomi back with them anyways. I just lingered in bed for months and months, with depression not doing a thing. I could have had gotten a little job, or started one class. I just could not bring myself to do anything.

**side note** I was making pretty good money for not even having my GED then and being a nanny.(Lets say $500 a week) I loved it, I LOVE KIDS. LOVE THEM. They are my world. I worked Monday thru Fri 8am to 6pm, weekends off, had the best job then! (now I say the best job is parenting!) I did NOT (cringe) save a SINGLE penny from that job. And that was my main job for almsot 18 months. I would not be back living at home if I had saved some of that. I spent it . I spent alot of it in my "marriage" (that can be another post some other time), spent money on our dinners, took my sister out and her friends and got them alot of things, always said "i got the check" at dinners with my friends, thinking I had all the money in the world. I didn't. I would get my hair and nails done, and buy clothing. I was NEVER one to know how to budget my money. And I STILL am having trouble. I need help on that. So that is why I am at home, I basically have maybe 2-3 grand from my taxes and that is it. I think HOW in the WORLD am I ever going to get out of here, get my own car and all of these things? I Want to SO badly buy my little girl clothing, and toys and books and all of that. My little girl has MORE of a wardrobe then her mommy does. I laugh at that. I so badly need new clothing. Just a few outfits. But I am dealing with the little clothes I got, I happened to throw out a lot of them. For unknown reasons. I need makeup. I need shoes. But I DEAL with what I got. More importantly, I worry my little girl has all that she needs. Mommy comes 2nd.Its all on my "to do list" but that can wait.:)My parents are helping out with that. It hurts, I cry about it. But I am the only one that can step it up from here. I have a LONG way to go, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get out of this "financial hole" I am in. **

But I can't say "should have or could have or would have". Its in the PAST. Its done already. Ah, I am changing off subject a bit here, SORRY! The main thing that has been on my mind now is SCHOOl. School. Those 6 very letters just scare me. Yet I KNOW I have to get going now. I have my little one, to support. And I do not, as a 23 year old, want to live with my parents forever. Yet I am scared too, to venture out on my own yet again but with my daughter. I so badly want to make it. I am so thankful for my parents supporting me, espcially after all these years, I have put them through alot.

So, I sat down (as from the beginning of what I was trying to say) and I did the sample testing in the booklet. I managed 24/28 correct. Not bad ey? MATH is the killer. Always has been. I have a test scheduled for Tuesday bright and early at 8 am. I am nervous. Will I bet with students? Nerves are starting as I even type this too. I am going to be okay though. Why? I have an angel, cheering her mommy on, and a beautiful daughter at home that I have to do this for. For both my girls. I want to SO badly make them proud.

I just don't know where Sadie will go after when I go to school and IF I even go to that school. I partly want to find something online that I can do from home, so I can watch her too. I have been with her 24/7 since she was born, the thought of me having to part her makes me sad, but I know I will be able to see her right after. I don't know who would watch her or where the money would come from , but my parents have said they will figure it out. I love them so much, I don't know where I would be without them.

Now, I do not even know what I want to do. CALL ME SCATTERBRAIN. As you can tell my mind is a thousand places all at once. I had always wanted to be a teacher. From the very young age, I have LOVED children. Would play teacher in my room and have my stuffed animals as my "students". Would write on the dry erase board & "talk" to my class. But, that is 4 years of schooling and now, I do not know where the salary lies. I need something within 2 years I would say and something with $$$. Before, I never ever was one for looking at the big pay. But now, NOW I need to. I am a single mother, and I need to be able to support my daughter. It is NOT going to be easy, but so many do it. I can too.

With all of my recent hospital stays with both of my pregnancies, especially with Sadie, I have taken into condieration possibly, dare I say it, being a nurse. A nurse that works with pregnant woman. I have always been a helper & been kind at heart. But, the schooling, the amount of studying, I don't know. I was never a studier. I saw my mom go through it all. She graduated when I was pregnant with Naomi. I remember crying watching her walk, I was so emotional (of course!). She went back to school and did all of this. Studied non stop. Hours and hours and hours. She was one of the top students in her class. GO MOM! She has all of the books in her room, TONS of them. And she would be of so much help I am sure, but I don't even know if I can do it. Id like to think I can?

Maybe an ultrasound tech I thought about too? It looked neat. But then again, I just don't know. Plus, I am afraid, if I tell my mom and dad if thats what I want to do, I feel like they may think I am not capable of it. I am NOT the smartest cookie there is. But, I never really applied myself. So maybe I am smarter than I think?

I just KNOW I've got to do something. I've got to do it for both of my girls, Naomi & Sadie. It's not going to be easy, not one bit, but I've got so many pushing for me and willing to help and root me on. I want to be able to say I DID IT!