Saturday, January 29, 2011

Thinking about the F.U.T.U.R.E scares me & then some!

** did not tend for this to be all over the place, BUT it helped, get it all out, and ease my mind, just a tad** :)

My sweet Sadie bug surpringly did not cause much trouble for mommy tonight and went to bed pretty easily at 8 pm, I was surprised. Has been down since and it is going on 10:30.

I did my catch up on "facebook" and blogs and I decided..its time. I came over to where I am sitting now and opened my TABE test booklet to see what it was. The other day, I went to Mcfatter, a technical school, to finally go and pay and sign up to take a test, to see what I will need to work on. I had put it away in the back of my mind for far too long and now it was time. I am beyond scared out of my mind to start any type of schooling again, well regular schooling. It has been since 2006, that I have been in school, and, I left school for that matter. I could not really take the whole classroom setting, was shy, but from middle school & now, I have COME A LONG WAY! :)

I always thought, what idiot would go all the way through highschool, in their SENIOR year, and just go out and leave!? Well, that idiot, turned out to be ME. :(. I always look at my 15 yr old sister, and I am not embarassed to admit, but I am jealous of her.Out of my two sisters, she is headed the RIGHT way. She is going to go off to college, she is going to get her own car. Heck I am 23, and I am driving around my parents dare I say it, minivan. I am the soccer mom minivan. Hey, but its a car, it drives, gets me places. I am VERY lucky to have my parents and for them to have bent over backwards YET again so help their daughter. I would do the same. I wish I can turn back time sometimes and do it all over again. But if I did, I wouldn't have my sweet Sadie here with me.

I am not proud of myself one bit, but I can say, I am proud of myself now, from where I become. I got my GED a few months after Naomi passed away. September 11 2009 actually I recieved it. So I have that, and can take that with me to start school.I should have started school a couple months after losing Naomi. But I didn't. I lost my job as a nanny, they just had to let me go, they needed a replacement, and I do not think I could have been back there knowing I was going to take Naomi back with them anyways. I just lingered in bed for months and months, with depression not doing a thing. I could have had gotten a little job, or started one class. I just could not bring myself to do anything.

**side note** I was making pretty good money for not even having my GED then and being a nanny.(Lets say $500 a week) I loved it, I LOVE KIDS. LOVE THEM. They are my world. I worked Monday thru Fri 8am to 6pm, weekends off, had the best job then! (now I say the best job is parenting!) I did NOT (cringe) save a SINGLE penny from that job. And that was my main job for almsot 18 months. I would not be back living at home if I had saved some of that. I spent it . I spent alot of it in my "marriage" (that can be another post some other time), spent money on our dinners, took my sister out and her friends and got them alot of things, always said "i got the check" at dinners with my friends, thinking I had all the money in the world. I didn't. I would get my hair and nails done, and buy clothing. I was NEVER one to know how to budget my money. And I STILL am having trouble. I need help on that. So that is why I am at home, I basically have maybe 2-3 grand from my taxes and that is it. I think HOW in the WORLD am I ever going to get out of here, get my own car and all of these things? I Want to SO badly buy my little girl clothing, and toys and books and all of that. My little girl has MORE of a wardrobe then her mommy does. I laugh at that. I so badly need new clothing. Just a few outfits. But I am dealing with the little clothes I got, I happened to throw out a lot of them. For unknown reasons. I need makeup. I need shoes. But I DEAL with what I got. More importantly, I worry my little girl has all that she needs. Mommy comes 2nd.Its all on my "to do list" but that can wait.:)My parents are helping out with that. It hurts, I cry about it. But I am the only one that can step it up from here. I have a LONG way to go, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get out of this "financial hole" I am in. **

But I can't say "should have or could have or would have". Its in the PAST. Its done already. Ah, I am changing off subject a bit here, SORRY! The main thing that has been on my mind now is SCHOOl. School. Those 6 very letters just scare me. Yet I KNOW I have to get going now. I have my little one, to support. And I do not, as a 23 year old, want to live with my parents forever. Yet I am scared too, to venture out on my own yet again but with my daughter. I so badly want to make it. I am so thankful for my parents supporting me, espcially after all these years, I have put them through alot.

So, I sat down (as from the beginning of what I was trying to say) and I did the sample testing in the booklet. I managed 24/28 correct. Not bad ey? MATH is the killer. Always has been. I have a test scheduled for Tuesday bright and early at 8 am. I am nervous. Will I bet with students? Nerves are starting as I even type this too. I am going to be okay though. Why? I have an angel, cheering her mommy on, and a beautiful daughter at home that I have to do this for. For both my girls. I want to SO badly make them proud.

I just don't know where Sadie will go after when I go to school and IF I even go to that school. I partly want to find something online that I can do from home, so I can watch her too. I have been with her 24/7 since she was born, the thought of me having to part her makes me sad, but I know I will be able to see her right after. I don't know who would watch her or where the money would come from , but my parents have said they will figure it out. I love them so much, I don't know where I would be without them.

Now, I do not even know what I want to do. CALL ME SCATTERBRAIN. As you can tell my mind is a thousand places all at once. I had always wanted to be a teacher. From the very young age, I have LOVED children. Would play teacher in my room and have my stuffed animals as my "students". Would write on the dry erase board & "talk" to my class. But, that is 4 years of schooling and now, I do not know where the salary lies. I need something within 2 years I would say and something with $$$. Before, I never ever was one for looking at the big pay. But now, NOW I need to. I am a single mother, and I need to be able to support my daughter. It is NOT going to be easy, but so many do it. I can too.

With all of my recent hospital stays with both of my pregnancies, especially with Sadie, I have taken into condieration possibly, dare I say it, being a nurse. A nurse that works with pregnant woman. I have always been a helper & been kind at heart. But, the schooling, the amount of studying, I don't know. I was never a studier. I saw my mom go through it all. She graduated when I was pregnant with Naomi. I remember crying watching her walk, I was so emotional (of course!). She went back to school and did all of this. Studied non stop. Hours and hours and hours. She was one of the top students in her class. GO MOM! She has all of the books in her room, TONS of them. And she would be of so much help I am sure, but I don't even know if I can do it. Id like to think I can?

Maybe an ultrasound tech I thought about too? It looked neat. But then again, I just don't know. Plus, I am afraid, if I tell my mom and dad if thats what I want to do, I feel like they may think I am not capable of it. I am NOT the smartest cookie there is. But, I never really applied myself. So maybe I am smarter than I think?

I just KNOW I've got to do something. I've got to do it for both of my girls, Naomi & Sadie. It's not going to be easy, not one bit, but I've got so many pushing for me and willing to help and root me on. I want to be able to say I DID IT!


Abigail said...

Be proud of yourself you have taken steps in the right direction in taking the first test and you have the other one coming up on Tuesday. Good luck to you! I am sure you will figure out what it is you really want to do in time. Don't rush so you don't end up doing something you are not truly passionate about. Making money is important (especially since you are caring for your daughter Sadie on your own) but it is not everything! Hope everything will work out for you in whatever you decide to do!!

Jill said...

You are SO sweet. Thank you for those encouraging words! Made me smile & tear up ! Bless you. It was an everywhere post, my thoughts are everywhere! I just hope one day I can come back to this post and see how much more I have changed and accomplished! ;)

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