Venting..feelings -I just want you to go away!

This may be something I should write in my journal, but I am upset & crying and just need to get it out now, and I am a fast typist so here it goes.

I just feel so utterfly lost again. I wish I wasn't having these feelings, for my own sister. I feel like a bad person for them. My 21 yr old sister is pregnant, due at the end of August with a boy. Yes, I will be an Aunt. Just like she is/was to my sweet Naomi. My sister is having her baby shower this Saturday, June 12th, at my parents house, where I still am living. I am only 22 years old. I have been freaking about this event and just I would say "jealous" about it since I have known about it.

It upsets me because every other word or talk around this house is mentioning of my sisters baby shower and or her. I feel like I am left out. I am the oldest of 4 and for some time my mom has been quite close with my sister. They are always together it seems like and I feel like I am just not included in things. Yes my grandma and my mom went to go to SamsClub to gather things for the day, which is 5 days away. My grandmother wanted me to come, um no thank you. I have the wrong attitude for it all I KNOW. I just cant get past these feelings. I want to, I REALLY do. But when I think about it all, it makes me so sad & just sick feeling. Especially the fact how she couldn't go to Naomi's 1st birthday celebration, but under certain circumstances.

Family, and friends will be here at the house and neighbors, a baby shower should and is a happy thing. But you know, I think, in my situation, baby showers don't make it sure that a baby will come home with you near your duedate. Because of everything that happened to me, I just cant deal with baby showers. I haven't ever been invited to one, until, quite funny, not really but shortly after my daughter's death. I was like WTH! But I declined every time. My sister's would be the first one I would be going to. I am jealous & hurt because I didn't get to have one with Naomi, but one was about to be planned in the works just shortly before I had her. But I feel as if for my sister they are going all out (my parents). It hurts. They made up backyard nicer and just doing so much. I want to be happy for my sister & her husband, but I am not close with her anymore like I used to when we were younger.

I just do not know how to let go of these feelings. I have it set in my mind that I am not going to go and will spend the day with my best friend. But my mom is trying to tell me to at least go for an hr or 2. I don't want to see my neighbors and family and have them ask questions to me, my mom said they wont. Or I dont want them looking at me with sympathy or either asking what I have been up to. I have nothing to say. I haven't done much. I am not working, not in school, I need to be. I need to straighten out my life!

So basically by saying that to me "all attention will be on your sister". Gee thanks Mom. I feel like if I do try & go, I will end up crying and making a mess of myself & I don't want to even put myself in that situation, yet I feel maybe after its all over I may regret not going. I don't know what to do. I just wish I had my sweet Naomi here and everything would be great. But its not.

For once, I need a positive blog post, I really do. And or maybe something off topic besides my feelings all the time & negativity. Maybe tomorrow I can have some good news to talk about. I pray I will.

I just feel down today

I am watching the rain pour from my computer window, just grey and miserable outside right now. I can't stop thinking about tomorrow. I shouldn't think about it, but I can't help it. First off, we hit the UGLY month of June. To some its a beautiful month but to me its not. The very first day of June last year was when my beautiful little sweetpea Naomi was taken away from me. So when June 1st came around, the days just leading up to it was very hard. I cried & screamed like it has happened all over again. I remember details of it, I will never forget. Tomorrow, is June 6th. The 1 yr anniversary of her funeral. My daughter's funeral. What the hell?? I sometimes still think I am in a fricken nightmare that I just cant wake up from. Sometimes when I am in the pool or out with my friends or just sitting around my house, I think to myself, I should be busy with my sweet Naomi, I feel a sense of emptyness still like something is missing.

Naomi is missing, oh so much. I just want her back. I will never see her precious face again, hear her tiny tiny little cries, or see her take her first steps. Nothing. Never in a million years did I and I am sure no mother, would have thought anything would happen like this. Yes Naomi was very sick but not once did it cross my mind, maybe towards the last day or so yes but I thought she would pull through. I remember not having any thing "black" to wear for that dreadful day. I went with my mom to the mall a few days before and we were about to go into a store to look and I just started bawling my eyes out that I could not go in there and wanted to leave. I remember flicking off a tmobile phonesales person when asking me if I wanted something with my phone. I was so angry, in a cloud, with all the emotions from when I first lost my daughter. I was a mess. Cursing at people, yelling, just not caring at all.

I remember everything that day about her funeral. I shouldn't go back or think about this right, I am ready to be in tears. I have a lot on my mind now and Ive got to let it out. I just can picture her little face, when going in to see her for the first time in the "home". I started screaming & crying. I remember it all. I miss my angel so much.

I just wish this all would end. Yes I am in a new situation now, but it still doesn't make things automatically go better. I wish. It doesn't. The pain is still very much there and never does a day go by that I do not think about Naomi or wish she were here with me.

I have came across more blogs of mommies, and it tears me apart, mommies who have lost babies and or children. I cry every time I come across another one. But yet like another blogger had said in a entry of hers, I feel a connection with lots of you. I am so thankful to be able to have met the friends/mommies even though not in person, just yet. It really helps, with others who truly understand. Yes my friends have been there for me but some just still dont understand how I can still be hurting or the way I am thinking or feeling. So I want to thank each & every one of you who has reached out their hand & said a few words, even just to say I am thinking about you or lighting a candle for my beautiful little angel. THANK YOU!

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven

It has been a while since I last posted, and I apologize. I really do want to start blogging daily or a few times a week. This morning I had a cry, and I haven't in a while. I just sat on the edge of my bed staring at Naomi's pictures and how it all just doesn't seem to be. I started to talk to her, and I just started to cry. I feel as if I do not know what to do. June 1 is coming up, and it just saddens me so much. June 1st is the day my sweet Naomi went up to Heaven.

On another note, I did the March of Dimes walk on May 8th, with my best friend, and another friend of mine & her boyfriend. I never done a walk before and I loved it. I defenitely wasnt planning on doing the whole 6 miles, just couldn't. But I did 3 miles and I was so proud of myself. The walk was along the beach in Ft Lauderdale, an absolutely beautiful day. The shirts came out beautiful as well, couldn't ask for more!

But otherwise, I have been doing better, not being in bed all the time, and being more active. Still have to job search & figure out a plan for me. Thankfully I have a lot of friends that are willing to help and give me advice. Means a lot to me.

Naomi's birthday

After all the worry and anxiety and sadness about the whole nights event coming up, I made it. Naomi's birthday was absolutely beautiful. I could NOT have done it without the help of my wonderful mom. She bought the food and helped with the balloons and other nicknacks and setting up and getting things together.

We arrived at the park, and soon my friends started arriving. Not as many people showed as they said, which I think is kind of rude, I mean I can understand other events or something, but THIS, this is important, a celebration of a life, so short, but that made me a mother. But its okay, because the most important people that I cared about and cared about me, were there! I thank each & every one of you so much. Also for all the birthday wishes and thoughts and candles lit for my angel.

We had food, chatted, had cupcakes, that were ABSOLUTELY beautifully made by my best friend. She is a baker, so perfect, so I wasn't hesitant at all to ask, & she was glad to help. We all then got together and signed balloons. Thats the only time I started to cry. My best friend looked at me just as I was about to write my message to Naomi, she asked if I was okay, and I said no. She came up and held me as I did a little crying. I didn't want to lose it and let it all out there, so I quickly stopped, wrote my message and we were off to release the balloons.

It was a beautiful night and couldn't ask for more. I receieved a few gifts, very unexpected. My mom bought me a beautiful charm bracelet, with a heart engraved with Naomi Hope on it, with a butterfly as a charm, an angel as a charm, and a babyfeet pendent on the back with her birth date (for her 1st birthday 2010). She said she had wished she could buy all my pain away and cried with me and gave me a hug. I also recieved a beautiful snowglobe with a written inscription on it and with Naomi Hope and her birthday as well. The music made me cry, I played it with the candles lit at night with her pictures around.

When I got home, I relit the candles for Naomi to continue burning until 12 midnight and my mom came in and turned off the light and she sang Happy Birthday, I couldn't bring myself to sing. Then at 1am this morning (April 28th) I realized I didn't even put in a candle. I quickly rummaged through my moms things didn't find a candle but then found the number "1" and I thought perfect. I put it on top the cupcake and lit it and sang to her myself as tears streamed down my face, didn't want to blow it out, but I had to.

I was so happy with how everything turned out but it was quite an emotional day, but I hope my beautiful angel was happy with what her mama and "mom mom" did in celebration of her beautiful life even tho it was cut so short, WAY too soon.

Love you beautiful angel, so much & miss you dearly.

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY MY SWEETPEA NAOMI HOPE

As the clock turned 12:00 April, 27 last night, I started bawling my eyes out. I lay in bed just waiting for it to turn. After I was able to calm down from about 10 minutes of crying, I talked to my beautiful angel & through more tears, managed to say "Happy 1st Birthday Naomi". I couldn't bring myself to say the words.

I awoke this morning to go to a mass my neighbor had arranged last June after she passed, to be on her 1st birthday this year. I was surprised that both my sisters and brother came along with my mom & I. I was not expecting that at all, my one sister & I are not on the best of terms, nor my brother. But that made me happy. He also made a donation (first one) to this box I plan on having at Naomi's birthday celebration tonight, that will go to our team in memory of her.

After the mass, my mom & I went to the grocery store to pick up things for tonight. We are having her birthday celebration at a nice local park, with some food and snacks, and my best friend is making cupcakes. I asked her to do it because she is a BEAUTIFUL baker, and does it ever so perfectly. I wouldn't have asked anyone to do so. She has done SO much for me and continues to do so, I couldn't ask for a better friend than her. We will also be reading "Sweet Dreams Mimi". A book that I had bought before she was born, the only book I had bought for her. I used to nanny and they had that book and I thought it would be perfect for her because "mimi" is a nickname for Naomi. So my mom asked if it would be okay to read that. I'm not so sure I will be able to, but if not Im sure my mom will.

I went back to sleep after we got home, I am not used to getting up so early anymore,while my mom preparred some things for tonight. I felt guilty but I just couldn't do it. I am very nervous, and sad about tonight. I keep crying on and off all day today. I thought maybe I shouldn't have planned something like this but I wanted to. I just don't know how its all going to go and I dont want to be a mess in front of everyone. But they "understand".

My mom bought me a gift yesterday of sweetpea candles & sweetpea lotion set. She said she wished she can buy all my sadness and bring Naomi back. I didn't think much of it but then she told me I would always call Naomi "sweetpea" in the NICU. So thats why my mom got that set for me. I have both the 2 candles burning today on her special day.

My mom also gave me another gift this afternoon, a beautiful little jewelry box engraved with Naomi Hope and hearts and in memory. A beautiful charm bracelet as well with her name engraved on a heart, an angel, babyfoot prints, and a butterfly.

I just wish today was a happier day. I remember speaking to my mom this morning about how my mom and sister didnt think they would make it to be there for my surgery but they rushed over and my mom told me today she remembered trying to get a peek of Naomi but the curtains were tightly closed. She then remembers seeing lots of doctors/nurses around her and then taking her off to the NICU and in her little room in her incubator seeing her for the first time. They said she was so tiny but so perfect.

Oh I miss my beautiful sweetpea, & love her so much.

Dear my sweet Naomi,

You made me a mommy on this day last year, I will never forget it. I remember hearing a cat's meow as mommy explains it to everyone as tears streamed down my face. I was a MOMMY! A proud mommy at that. You were only here for such a short period of time, but mommy is so very blessed to have been able to meet you, and share you with my friends & family. You touched so many lives in such a short period, and will continue to do so. Not a day goes by that I do not think of you and the joy you brought to my life. I will continue keeping you & our story alive, and helping other mommies along the way as well. I hope you are celebrating up in Heaven with your angel friends and one day, I will be up there with you too, holding you and giving you lots of love, kisses & hugs. I love you Naomi Hope. Happy 1st Birthday and 1st year in Heaven.

Love always

your mommy

Signs & Birthday on its way here...

Yesterday, April 23rd, I felt Naomi was all around me, yet it was hard. When I went for a walk in the morning with my dog, a beautiful yellow butterfly was flapping its wings and fluttering around and I kept staring at it and smiled, and then looked upon the sky and kept on walking. Later during the day I had a planned lunch with my sister, mom, and mom's friend, that didn't really go. But thats another story.

When my mom and I arrived together, we sat in the car for a minute before getting out and I saw a yellow butterfly fluttering in front of the car through the front window. I was like wow, another yellow butterfly, and they are bright yellow. Such beautiful creatures. Again, I thought, Naomi, youre everywhere.

I went in Applebees, and met with my sister & moms friend. We were talking for maybe 10 15 minutes, well they were, I just didnt feel like talking much, I ordered a beverage. Then all of a sudden I just had to run to the restroom and I started bawling my eyes out. I couldn't stop. I then was able to calm myself somewhat and I went back to the table but asked my mom for the keys, I didn't want to sit anymore for lunch even though I ordered my food. I even started crying in the restraunt, not like me and I ran out.

I sat in the car and started crying some more to let it out fully. I then thought let me turn on the radio. Out of all songs, all stations, the song "Home" by Chris Daughtry was on and playing. I started crying even more. That song was playing when Naomi was born. I thought what is going on today??? Then I also saw the yellow butterfly again, but this time it fluttered in front of the car for maybe a few seconds and then went away. As if Naomi was saying hi mommy and that shes with me.

So well then later on yesterday, my best friend and I had a sleepover at my parents beach condo but before that we decided to have some dinner. We went to Pei Wei. We sat down had our food and I opened my fortune cookie. I about almost had a heart attack. I was shocked, yet couldnt cry. I told my best friend youre not going to believe this, heck I still dont. And I never read much into fortunes, im not one for them. But I read it to her. "A small gift can bring joy to the whome family". This fortune has a special meaning to it as well as what it reads. After I had Naomi, shortly after, possibly a day or 2 after, my father brought me in a fortune, when I was in the hospital, and it read exactly those same words. I was just beyond shocked.

What a day full of being surrounded by Naomi and or some signs.

Naomi's birthday is in 3 more days (pretty much 2) and I cannot believe it. Tonight I was making a box, wrapping it, and cutting a hole in it, to be at Naomi's party. I started crying as I was decorating it, I just couldn't believe it. I can't. The box is for donations in leu of gifts, for our March of Dimes team walk on May 8th. We will give the donations we receive to our team, for the MOD.

I am thinking maybe I shouldn't have planned a little party or get together for her. I am just imaginging I will be so emotional. I have about 7 to 8 friends coming and 2 family members. Yet its her day, and I want to make it special. She made me a mommy and we are celebrating Naomi's life .

Still irritated & not so good memories

Last night, I was invited by an old high school acquitance to go and see her best friend's husband in the hospital in the ICU. I thought I should go because I have always said I would see her but never have or gotten around to it and I figure she could use some company while basically her husband is on his way to lose his battle with his disease.

As I was walking with my friend up to the hospital, I started panicking thinking "Omg, what did I get myself into? HES ON A VENTILATOR. Naomi was on a ventilator, then a jet ventilator on her last few days of life. I thought I can't go in there and see this, I just can't. I thought I can't just leave, shes my ride." I figure I will try and suck it up since she is going through a hard time.

We went in and I had never met him before, and he was just very out of it but seeing him like that I felt so bad, yet I started having flashbacks of my little sweet Naomi laying in her incubator with the ventilator. I just tried to focus my attention on talking with my 2 friends and not looking at him as much, even though hearing the machine go and all the beeping noises, I couldn't take it very much longer.

Finally we left after maybe a good 30-40 minutes. The wife (our friend) walks us out and we all start talking in the parking lot. Meanwhile, my friend is pregnant, has the belly, and is due this August. She pulled out a cigarette and started smoking!!! I was stunned. I thought how in the hell can someone do such a thing, to enhale smoke to their unborn child. Just made me so sick, I was ready to yap my mouth to her but I thought I better not, yes I know she is going through alot, but hell one of my good friends is also very pregnant and used to smoke but QUIT the day she found out she wsa pregnant. & the fact she knows what happened with me, just appauled me. She said shes smoked with her 1.5 yr old when pregnant with him and he turned out fine. "Im sure he may appear that way, wait till hes older and he starts having problems". I hope not.

I hate the smell of smoke anyways, I can't stand being around people who smoke, and I stay clear away from it as it it. Just made me so sick to see that, and I've seen it one other time, I just do NOT understand it, and never will.