Sunday, April 17, 2011
Last night, April 16, (also marking Sadie being 7 months old) our March of Dimes Fundraiser was held. It turned out fantastic! We ended up selling $3000 worth of raffle tickets and donations and silent auction items. I couldn't be more happier.
My best friend came with me to help set up with my other friend Holly (who we are a team) and I met a lot of Holly's family and friends. It was at an Irish Pub and restaurant and Holly's boyfriends friends had came out from Ireland to be at this event. So very special.
I guess I thought I would be okay. But seeing Naomi's picture up there and knowing it was OUR event and I was part of it, it just got me to crumbles. I was trying so hard to not cry. I did pretty well for the most of the night. But towards the end of the night, I just got quiet and all I wanted to do was be at home crying and sleeping.
All day today, I was down in the dumps. I felt it ALL over my body. Grief stricken, all over again. I should be happy, but I am not, I miss my sweet Naomi more than anything. I guess I was so busy this month with school things and taking care of my little Sadie and nephew, the days are now coming to an end and in about 9 more days, my sweet Naomi will be 2 years old.
It just hurts. I stayed in all day with the babies today and I just pretty much laid on the couch, would attend to them of course and thankfully my mom was off today because I would not have been able to do it today with the way I was feeling. She could tell too, that I am depressed. My chest and stomach are filled with grief.
It had been rainy all day pretty much and so we had to stay in and normally I am taking them on a walk around 6 and finally around 630 I figured id take them for just a walk around the neighborhood.I finally made my way out and I put on Pandora radio but a christian station. And the first song that happened to play was "HELD" by Natalie Grant. As I got around the corner with the babies, tears just started streaming down my face. I remember always listening to that song after Naomi passed and just crying and screaming in so much agonozing pain.
Then another song comes on "You're not alone" and just that title itself I thought let me have a sign of Naomi, please. And here that song comes on and of course I cry some more but was able to stop because there were walkers and I didn't want to be bothered or see someone seeing me cry. "You cry yourself to sleep because the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep" "all hope seems lost" "You are not alone, for I am here"...are some of the lyrics.
For Naomi's birthday, I have decided I will be taking Sadie to Hollywood Beach, right as she wakes up, and bring purple and yellow balloons (2-3 perferably) and will write a message on them for her and release them at 9:16 am at the time she was born 2 years ago. I always stayed at the beach after Naomi passed and just always would stare out in the ocean and write her name in the sand. I figure, it will be a nice place to stay for a few hours in the morning and just sit in peace and talk to her. I am also planning on making cupcakes and lighting a candle all day for her. But I just want to do this on my own, no friends or family. I miss her terribly. My heart aches. I love you Naomi Hope. Always and forever.