Wordy Wednesday

I absolutely ADORE baby Sadie, with all my heart and soul. I cannot describe in words how I feel for this little girl. She certainly completes me.

I love my sister, I really do. But, I am sorry, but her son, who IS my nephew, he practically lives here. Of course I love him, he is a great baby, no problems, but, being my sister doesn't work OR go to school, he mise well come with a moving truck with all his favorite toys and crib and all and move right on it. I have been babysitting him for a good couple of weeks. First started out as 2/3 days a week 9 to 3, not bad. Doable. Then, she started talking to my mom, needing more hours from me, so it was uped to 9am to 5 pm 4 days a week. Well, she ended up getting plastic surgery done, 3 places, and had asked me prior, if i can watch him 2 weeks for amount of money, I still htought should be more, but I agreed on it because I can definitely use the money. He is a 23 lb 7 month old (not fat at all just tall and off the charts type of baby) so she cannot obviously be lifting him. I started a week ago on a Monday with having him and then her husband would take him Tuesday night until Fri morning (his off days). I am happy, dont get me wrong, because money is money, and me not being able to go to work just yet, it ends up working out. Two words come to mind: slave wages. I am getting paid horrible for "how much she appreciates my help and all" as I am told several times by her.

It just frustrates me, she HAS money, she is set for some time, and well me, she should know my situation. I frankly, don't. I pretty much have nothing, I deal with what I have from a few grand from taxes 2 years ago and thats it. She can at least help me out a bit more, I think. But I just stay quiet. I am happy to be getting A CHECK rather than nothing. I am thankful. I just, ugh. My sister and her husband came over yesterday to pick Jimmy (my nephew) up for the 3 or so days he is off. I enjoy him, of course, but it is a lot of work with both babies, being they are like twins, 16 days apart. So I felt a "weight" as been lifted off my shoulders, knowing I can be more one on one with my Sadie and be able to do more/get more done. Well, he had woken up from a nap and I went to go get him (since my sister still cannot lift and is very very soar). I come out and bring him over to where she is in eyes view to say hello.

He takes a look at her, does a sad face with his lip turned down, grabs onto my shirt, puts his head into me and starts to cry. As if he didn't know who she was. She said "how sad is that" or something along those lines. I am thinking, well what do you expect? You never see him, he is always here, and well her husband takes care of him at night, she never really did the waking up at night thing with him. I didn't tell her all this of course, but I thought it. She has always been a dog person, she has THREE of them at home. THEY ARE HER LIFE. Normally, pets come 2nd when a baby coems along, right? Or well they are treated equally if you wanna say? But I always hear her yapping about her dogs or "worrying" about them. Never do i hear about her own son. And here she went through 40 weeks, perfectly healthy prengnacy, and had her baby shower, everything I didn't have. So many women CRAVE what she has, yet I had to go through a heart wrenching tragic loss, suffer through grief, forever will, and go through another pregnancy walking on egg shells about every twinge or pain I feel. Life just aint fair.

Last night I met up with my dear friend Holly whom I met through the preeclampsia forums and found she was local. I had met up with her one other time so this was our 2nd meeting. We met up with her sister and her 2 yr old niece and I brought Sadie to a family night at Monkey Joes for March of Dimes a fundraiser. I had never before been to this place, it was very cute. Its a place with 4 to 5 huge bounce houses for kids of different ages to jump around in.Sadie was just so happy, it was cute, she did a lot of squealing and was happy being out and was so smiley. There were prizes and tickets and we got to put the tickets in where we wanted to try and win a prize. There was pizza and dessert served and at the end the winners were announced. Sadie was a winner! She got a cute little toy that makes lots of noises, I had been eyeing that and was hoping she would get picked! HORRAY!

We walked in the doors and we saw pictures of tiny tiny babies mounted on a march of dimes board. I got teary eyed as if I was ready to break down and cry. My friend Holly, she had her son a good 12/13 weeks early to severe preeclampsia born April 28, 2010. He passed 3 months later, being on a ventilator his whole NICU time. So tragic, I feel for her every day. Naomi was born April 27, 2009, at 28 weeks, as well to severe preeclampsia. So we will both be walking in the walk April 30, along the beach, 6 miles.

I did it last year, my first year, for Naomi with another friend of mine. But this year, we have gone BIG. We have a HUGE team, I want to say up to almost 30 walkers, and have over $3000 raised! It is just wonderful! I am so excited how everyone has helped us make it this far. We have a fundraiser planned for April 16, at a local Irish Pub, with 4 bands and we will be raffling off tickets for AWESOME prizes. Heck, I will even enter! Our sweet babies are so very loved, as well as the many other babies born too early who survived and have passed.

A friend from highschool had given me a call earlier today and had wanted to come by with her 11 month old boy to have a play date with baby Sadie. I had plans to go out and try and get more donations from stores and places for our event, but decided I can do that tomorrow. She came over and we spent a good 2 hours or so chatting and watching the babies together. Sadie ended up needing a diaper change, so I went in my room and did my thing and she then came to change her son. She was admiring the room all in (pink) and saw Naomi's pictures up on her memorial. She said she musta been so small. Asked how small she was and I said, honestly, I cannot rememmber in inches. But I told her Ill find out. I then brought out "her memory box" I was giving that tragic day I will never forget.

I took a deep breath, whole time I was looking for what I had thought was in there, I felt like I had a big pile of rocks sitting in my stomach and on my heart, I showed her her little yellow had she always wore and gosh I hadn't smelt it in SO long and I did. Oh god. It still smells like the hospital and everything. I saw the baggy of her hair in there that was given to me as well and other items. I showed her the diapers she would wear, it pretty much looks like a women's sanitary napkin. I then found the item I was looking for it was in a pocket on the side of the box, I didn't even have to end up going through it all. It said she was 12.5 inches long. So a half an inch longer than a ruler. I simply then closed it. She then asked if she was buried or cremated.

I said, she was cremated. I have her :here: and I showed her my heart necklace I have on, that I NEVER take off from the day I got it, it stays on me forever. And then I said the rest of her, heart sinks, is in here. I opened her memorial cupboard and showed her the little box she was in (a silver heart) I had picked out. I told her I did not make any funeral arrangements, I left it up to my parents. I just COULD NOT think, or make any thing, in the state I was in. I sometimes wish I did do something, ie, bathe or, or put her in her outfit, or choose what was on the funeral cards, or something, but I just could not. I knew my mom would do well with whatever she choose to do.

Now that I had gone through all of that again, I hadn't in a few months, and now I am left in tears and just heart wrenching grief again. I remember how saw the pain was. It is undescribble. If someone would tell me at the age of 22, I would be attending my daughter's funeral, I would have said you are lying and that wouldn't be happening. <3 Naomi Hope you are forever missed and loved I will never forget you <3