Wednesday, April 27, 2011

"A small gift can bring joy to the whole family"

Two years ago, at 9:16 am, I was made a mother. All 790 grams, 10 fingers, 10 toes, a button nose and beautiful big eyes, just super duper tiny. I delivered my sweet baby girl, Naomi Hope, emergency c section to severe preeclampsia on April 27, 2009.

I will never forget, at my 28 week checkup, I had been feeling just plain horrible thie night before at my brothers baseball game. My mom saw that I was finally gaining weight, or so she thought, all in my face. That wasnt normal. Everything went haywire at that checkup the next day, April 24. I was admitted after being sent to a specialist, a highrisk doctor, for severe preeclampsia. My best friend,now, took me to get clothes and what not, magazines and candies at Walgreens. I was so sick, little did I know, I thought I would go in and come right out the next day or so. But I was wrong, so very wrong.

The way the doctors and nurses were talking, I wasn't going to be pregnant much longer. It was a day to day thing on what test results had shown. Well, come Monday morning, April 27, the doctor and nurse come in and explain, I have +6 grams protein, jumped from 2+ in the office on Friday to 6 on Monday. That 5 is the cut off for severe preeclampsia. They explained a nurse will prep me for a c section and to call whoever I needed to call to come ASAP. Everything happened so quick. Before I knew it, I was being wheeled into the OR.

I remember being wheeled into a room with HUGE bright lights. I then was put onto a table like thing and I thought, is this where I am going to have the baby? This is weird. I was put on horrible magneisum to help stop any seizuring activities. The doctor went about his work (he wasnt on call from my dr since she was on vacation, THANK GOD, because I hate her, never listend to my concerns when I knew things were not right, mothers intuition. He started talking to me and I thought why is he talking to me, but came to find out he was just making convo to make sure I was okay and still hanging in there. I was very very sick. And here they have a radio in the OR and I start hearing the lyrics, "Im staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain, Im going to the place where loe and feeling good dont ever cost a thing. And the pain you feel's a differnt kind of pain. I'm going home back to the place where I belong and where you love has always been enough for me". Little did I know, how big this song would play in a role. It has me thinking, is "home" really Heaven? Was that a HUGE sign that I missed? I cry everytime I hear that song.

And the dr was singing it. And as the song was on, at 9"16 in the morning, I hear a "cat's meow" and my little Naomi was born. I didn't get to see her. She was whisked right away to the NICU because of her small minute size. oh I will never forget it. Two days later, I was wheeled into see her in her little room in the NICU. she had her stunna shades on, sunglasses to protect her eyes from the bililight she was on.

Oh I was such a proud mother, walking those halls 35 days. She survived 35 days in the hospital. I would have friends visit and family and tell them updates. Oh I had NO reason for her not to make it. Yes there were rough days but I just didnt think death was near us at all.

Naomi, you made me a mommy, forever and ever I will be your mommy. Not a day that goes by that I do not think of you and miss you. Today I took your sweet sister Sadie to the beach this morning. I took 3 balloons, 1 yellow (because I associate yellow butterflies with you) 1 blue (for your mommys sweet friend Holly, whos baby boy Benji would be 1 years old tomorrow) and a big balloon butterfly that says "thinking of you on it". I wrote messages to you and sweet Benji on them. I was supposed to release them at 9L16am the time you were born, but I accidently let go of them while holding onto your sister, 20 minutes before and I was SO So upset. I got mad but realized nothing I can do about it. I thought you would forgive me. They flew away pretty quick and I didnt get to talk and say what I wanted to say to you. We stayed at the ocean for a little bit until sissy got antsy. I let her play in the sand and touch the water. I wrote your name in the sand as always, as I do before I leave. I stared out into the ocean. My stomach hurt. My chest hurt. I felt today all day like a dark hazy cloud lay over me and my whole body. We met up with my dear friend Holly after and sat at Starbucks so I can recieve 2 more shirts for our March of Dimes walk on Saturday. Oh it pains me, how both of you and Benji were born way too soon to preeclampsia. Naomi, today was harder than ever little girly. Harder than last year. I did alot of crying yet held alot in too. I got home from the beach and I saw your pictures on the screensaver, out of ALL of the family pictures on there, yours decides to play. I started bawling my eyes out. I scared your poor little sister and she started to cry. One day, I will be able to tell her why mommy and her go to the beach every year on your special day, I want to tell her all about you. She is going to know all about her big sissy and how you protected her so that mommy can have her here safe and sound. Mommy loves you forever and always my baby you'll be.

I want to thank all of my dear friends and family who thought of me and my babies today, this week, this month, and always. It means so much to me. Thank you.

Sorry there was no Easter post, or what not. So much emotions. WIll try and do one after this weekend, a late Easter post. Thank you all and I hope all had a nice holiday weekend.


LauraJane said...

What a sweet way to celebrate Naomi's 2nd birthday.


Michele said...

Sending love and hugs, and remembering with you...

*Laura Angel said...

Thinking of you always!!!!!! <3 Naomi

Andrea said...

Hi there, I just came across your blog. I am so sorry for your loss! Both your girls are beautiful! I am the mother to B/G twins born at 28 weeks due to preeclampsia. They are now healthy 3 year olds. I hope you don't mind me following along your adventurers. Please stop by my blog if you have time. Take care! Andrea

Raven said...

aww Jill, I can imagine you are feeling sad but this post was sweet to me. You are remembering your daughter in a great way, and letting us other bloggers out here read about her also. I am certain she is in heaven looking down on you now and smiling! :)

Jill said...

Thank you all! It was surely a hard day and very hard month. ox

Marie W said...

I'm sorry I missed this post Jill. Sending love and hugs your way. Dr. Matos is not my favorite person at all.

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